It's over.
I don't know how it happened.
And for the first time, I don't know what to do.
***
When I decided to take Frances on an out of town trip to Cagbalete Island, the main reason was to make up for the times I had mistreated her and took our friendship for granted. What I did not expect were the events that followed.
I had stupidly forgotten that I was supposed to meet Nicole that night. I guess it was because I was too focused on making Frances happy that I neglected Nicole's happiness. I had turned my phone off because I knew Nicole would be looking for me. At that time, I didn't want her to know I'd be with Frances and I figured she wouldn't really mind because Frances and I usually hung out during weekends. What I forgot was the most important thing - our anniversary dinner. So when I finally turned on my phone that night at the resort, I received a bunch of messages from Nicole:
Happy anniversary, Tony. I love you. I can't wait for tonight.
Why can't I reach your phone? Please text me when you read this. 7PM at Hype. Don't forget :)
Why aren't you replying? At least tell me if you're going to be late.
Are you even coming to our anniversary dinner? Where the hell are you?!
Don't bother. I found out from Martin. You asshole.
You are so dead.
I hate your guts.
You are such an asshole. Unforgivable. I hate you.
I tried calling her phone, but she turned it off after receiving a couple of rings from me. I knew she was pissed. And I didn't know what to do. So I went back to where Frances was and lit a cigarette to calm my nerves.
I thought that at least I'd be able to talk to Frances and she'd help me with the situation. I didn't expect that I'd be in another sticky situation. Because when I did open up to her, I was surprised by her reaction. I felt her move close to me and what she did next was unexpected - she kissed me. I was too busy thinking about my issue with Nicole that I wasn't able to react. And even if I could - it would not be the reaction she would want. When she pulled away, she ran back to the room.
If I already felt like such an asshole to Nicole, what Frances said made me feel more of an asshole than ever. "I loved you, Tony." I heard her say when I followed her back to the room.
I didn't know what to say. So I just hugged her tight and let her cry. "I'm sorry..."
She cried harder. "I loved you for four years. I tried getting over you by choosing Matteo but no matter what I do..." She buried her face on my chest. "After tonight I promise to let the feelings go. You're my best friend, Tony. I don't want to lose you."
"I'm sorry..." It was the only thing I could say again.
"Do you love her?"
I couldn't reply. Saying so would just hurt her even more.
"I need to get some air." She suddenly stood up and walked to the door. "I'm sorry for ruining this trip, Tony."
I watched her exit the room and leave me behind to watch her retreating back.
First Nicole, now Frances. I was such a jerk.
But what Frances asked me actually hit a nerve. Did I really love Nicole? Or was it because we were together that saying 'I love you' became automatic between us? I pulled out my phone and re-read all the messages she left.
You are such an asshole. Unforgivable. I hate you.
I guess I was incapable of love after all.
***
We decided to cut the trip short. I knew it was the best thing to do since there was an obvious awkwardness between Frances and myself. She was silent on the way home. The last words she told me was to drop her off in Ortigas where she'd just have Matteo pick her up. I, on the other hand, decided to go straight to Nicole's. If there was something I needed to fix asap, that would be our relationship.
When I got to Nicole's house, Tita Mercedes was there to greet me. Apparently, she didn't know what I did to her daughter. "Have you had dinner already? Nicole's upstairs in her room. Do you want me to go get her?"
"No need, Tita. I'll just go surprise her. She doesn't know I'm coming." I ran upstairs and knocked on her door. I heard her say it was open so I cautiously walked in. "Baby..."
She didn't reply when she heard my voice so I hugged her from behind.
"I'm sorry, Nic. I'm sorry...please don't be mad at me..."
"You chose...her."
"Baby, please don't break up with me. I'm sorry I forgot. What must I do to make it up to you? I messed the dates up. It was unintentional, I swear."
"You turned your phone off."
"No signal. We were in Cagbalete." It was a lie, I know. But telling her I turned my phone off would just make the issue worse than it already was.
Then I felt her shoulders shake. I knew she was crying so I hugged her tighter and began kissing her neck. "Please, baby. Forgive me."
She turned around and surprisingly held me tightly. I felt her bury her head against my chest so I instinctively stroked her back.
"Are you still mad at me?"
"Let's just...forget what happened, Tony."
That was also unexpected. "Are you sure, baby?"
She nodded but didn't look up. "I want to forget everything."
I lifted her chin up. "I promise I'll spend each day making everything up to you." I kissed her lips hesitantly, trying to test the waters and see if she would push me away. She didn't so I held her tighter. There was something in the way she kissed me that was different. I felt her fingers stroke my face, and she wouldn't stop kissing me. Not that I was complaining. When she pulled away, she looked into my eyes.
"Let's make us work, Tony. Let's both try harder."
I kissed her again. "I love you, Nicole." And this time, I was going to mean it.
***
After Nicole forgave me, we put everything behind us. Neither of us wanted to talk about what happened during our anniversary I guess. Our fights lessened, and little by little I was beginning to feel that the old Nicole was slowly returning. She became more lenient and I unfortunately took advantage of it. She no longer complained about my going out with friends, even if it would mean that Frances would be included.
Speaking of Frances, after our unfortunate trip, it took a month for things to go back to the way things were. Like Nicole, she was someone I needed in my life, and one thing I regret was not being able to tell her that on that fateful day when she told me she loved me.
I could not return the love she gave me. And I guess, like me, she decided to make her relationship with Matteo work. I never expected that we were in the same situation with our current relationships. A month after our 'incident', we finally met up and with Martin's help, Frances and I were back to the way things were.
"I missed you, idiot!"
"Back at you, Princess Frances."
Martin couldn't help laughing at us. "You guys owe me a date with Miranda."
I had to admit, I did owe Martin. "She will never love you." I joked.
"I don't care."
Frances rolled her eyes. "You are hopeless, Martin."
So things did go back to the way things were. And I guess I got so used to the situation that I got carried away. Nicole was lenient, Frances and I were back to the way things were. I unfortunately took advantage of it again. Little did I know I'd soon lose the privileges I had grown accustomed to. Because a month later, Nicole wanted to break up with me.
***
"I'm breaking up with you."
"I heard you the first time. I'm asking you why." It didn't make sense at all. I had been careful. I didn't get caught, neither did I take her for granted the past two months after we had decided to make things work.
"I don't..."
"Love me?" I couldn't help but add that. It was true. I knew she didn't love me. "We both know that you don't. We both know that we're in this relationship because of our parents. But, Nicole, why? Is it because lagi ako gumigimik? Babawasan ko. [I always go out and party? I'll lessen it] Is Frances still the problem? Nicole, she's my best friend. If you want, fine, I'll stop seeing her." I knew she still hadn't warmed up to Frances. After all, I did once choose to be with Frances over her. I grabbed her hand. "Please, Nicole, be reasonable. Is this about our anniversary? I thought you forgave me already? Do you want me to make up for it? I have been trying the past months, baby. Ganti ba 'to? [Is this payback] I deserve it anyway. I'll make everything up to you starting now."
What she told me was something I never expected to hear from her. "Tony, I'm pregnant."
I released her hand, unable to digest the news she just told me.
"I'm sorry..."
"You're what?" It couldn't be. She was a virgin. If there was one thing we never did, it was to sleep together. And now, hearing that she did sleep with someone, that she cheated on me was unacceptable. But maybe she was lying. Maybe this was just an idea that popped into her head that we'd have a reason to break up at last. She never caught me when I slept around so was she trying to turn the tables on me? "Impossible. You can't be pregnant."
"I'm sorry. I..."
"Who's the father?"
"It was a mistake."
"Was it a one night stand? Or have you been seeing someone behind my back? And I thought I was the player." The news was already sinking in. So she did sleep with someone. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. She had always told me that I couldn't sleep with her because she wasn't ready, but here I was hearing that she had slept with someone else. "You refused to give yourself to me and you offer yourself to a stranger instead."
"It was just one time..."
"How could you do this? Is this payback for my being a player? You made the rules. I never got caught. You should have asked pointers from me."
"I was drunk. I was so hurt when you chose Frances over me on our anniversary."
"Ah, so that's when it happened. You should have been careful. If I were the guy this would never happen." I thought back on that day. I guess it still came to haunt me. No wonder she agreed to forgive me that easily and worked on our relationship. She was as guilty as I was. I lit a cigarette and stood up. "Wow. Naunahan pa ako ng ibang lalaki sa sarili kong girlfriend." [Another guy beat me to my own girlfriend] I turned my back at her. "You got your wish at last Nicole."
***
I didn't know where else to go so I decided to meet up with Martin. When I told him what happened, he was as surprised as I was.
"Whoa. What was the reason behind it? Does this mean I won't be able to see Miranda again?"
"Idiot, there are more important things to think about than that."
"Like what?"
"She cheated on me." I couldn't exactly tell him that another guy knocked her up.
"Wow, pare. And you just left her and agreed to breaking up with her? You're a cheater yourself. Feeling ko you're more than a cheater than she was. And you can't forgive her? She turned a blind eye for you all the years you guys were together."
"It's more complicated."
"How is it complicated?
I made him swear not to say anything, not even to Frances. And when I told him the reason for the complication, he was left speechless for a few moments. "What do you plan to do?"
"Come up with an excuse to tell Mom that it didn't work out. I can't exactly tell her the real reason."
"Forget about your mom, what are YOU going to do?"
"What can I do?" But several thoughts were already racing in my head. First was to find out who the bastard who got Nicole pregnant was. The next was to beat the hell out of that guy.
-end chapter 13-