trigger warnings - depression, suicidal thoughts, homophobia, and abuse
Kellin doesn't know how to feel.
He doesn't know what to think.
He's spent so long believing he was the problem, that Vic broke up with him because he wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough. Never once did it cross his mind that Vic didn't do it because of him.
He knew part of him would always be in love with Vic. You never really forget your first love. You never let go completely. He thought it'd be one of those things he'd just learn to live with. He'd eventually move on, find someone else, and learn to be happy with them. He didn't think there was a chance of rekindling anything with Vic.
But now he knows.
Now he knows the truth and it's paralyzing.
None of the girls meant anything. None of the late nights, none of the drugs, none of the hookups...none of it meant anything. It was all an act to try and get over him, and damn, Vic's a good fucking actor.
He doesn't know where to go from here. Part of him is screaming, desperate to get back with Vic and remember all the good times they had, but the other part of him is still so afraid things won't work out again. He was destroyed after the break up. He can't go through that again. He's never hit a lower point but he knows he will if something tears them apart again.
Vic's willing to give him time and while he's grateful, more time to think and mull this over is going to stress him out even more. He needs to make a decision and he needs to do it before overthinking kills him.
There are so many pros and cons and he can't stop weighing them. It's a perfect balance. There's nothing tipping the scale in one direction and he's stuck. He could get back with Vic, risk the heartbreak again, but get genuine happiness and fulfillment and love again, or he could turn Vic down and risk missing out on a future with the man he's been in love with for years, but get security from heartbreak and the chance to learn how to be happy with himself.
Both options have equal benefits and sacrifices and he doesn't know what to do.
He's done getting high or drunk to run from his problems.
He needs to make a decision.
But which one is right?
...
"Are you sure you don't want me there?"
Awsten nods, forcing a smile. "Thanks, but I gotta do this on my own. And I dunno how comfortable Geoff would be with you in there anyway..."
"If he still thinks you were cheating..."
"I don't think he does," Awsten says quickly. "Just...this is hard enough as it is without having to worry about jealousy."
"I'll be right outside if you need me," Alex replies, pulling him in for a quick last hug.
Awsten swallows against the lump in his throat and knocks on Geoff and Vic's door.
"Come in!"
He turns the handle and steps inside, closing the door behind him. Just his luck, Vic and Geoff are there, and both pairs of eyes travel to him immediately. He squirms uncomfortably, biting his lip.
"Um...Geoff, can we talk?" He shoots a pointed glance at Vic, hoping he'll get the hint so he doesn't have to ask him to kindly get the fuck out. This isn't a story he's comfortable sharing with just anyone.
"Yeah, of course," Geoff says quickly, sliding off the bed and joining him at the door. "Vic, get out."
Vic rolls his eyes. "Lock the door if you start doin' it, please." He grabs his guitar and a hoodie from the closet and lets himself out.
Awsten waits for the door to shut behind him before he moves, sliding onto Geoff's bed. Tears are pricking at his eyes, he's so scared. He's so scared of what Geoff's gonna think, so scared of how he's gonna see him after this, so fucking scared that his reaction isn't gonna be positive which really fucks him up because he has no pieces left to pick up. He's done. Shattered. If Geoff doesn't take this well it's over.
"Aws, before you say anything, I just-"
Awsten shakes his head. "Just listen, okay? I have something to tell you and it's really not easy for me to say..."
Geoff falls silent, just staring at him. Awsten takes a deep breath, lifting his head to meet Geoff's eyes. "I know I'm clingy. And annoying. And according to you, desperate. But-"
"No!" Geoff cuts him off again, a wild look in his eyes. "No, no, no! I'm sorry I keep interrupting but you have to know you're none of those things, Aws. I was angry. I didn't mean it. I don't think you're clingy or annoying or desperate. Especially not desperate. God, I'm so fuckin' sorry I ever made you think I believed that, I-"
Awsten holds up a hand. "Geoff, it's okay. I am clingy. And you can't lie, sometimes it does get annoying. I..." He swallows. "I spent last summer in a conversion therapy camp."
The mix of shock and horror on Geoff's face mirrors Alex's. He opens his mouth to interrupt once more, but Awsten plows on, "My parents are really religious and when they found out I was gay...they didn't give me a choice. And that summer was the worst two months of my entire life."
"They used shock therapy," Awsten says. "Like, they made us watch gay porn and shocked us in the balls if we got off. And if we didn't get off while watching straight porn they beat us. But that wasn't even the worst part." He takes another deep breath. "The worst part was the lack of human contact. If they could help it, they didn't talk to us. We couldn't talk to each other. We barely saw people. It was just us in tiny rooms with no windows. They gave us food through a tiny ass flap in the door. The solitary confinement was supposed to simulate our lives if we continued with this 'sinful' lifestyle. That's why I'm so clingy. That's why I'm so touchy. That camp...it destroyed me, Geoff. It's been a year, and I'm still a complete fuckin' mess. Moms don't know about it because it's not in my file. I don't talk about it. I wish I could forget it but I can't. And the truth is...I miss you, Geoff. I miss you so fucking much it hurts. But you don't have to deal with my shit if it's too much. You can walk away and I won't hold it against you. I promise."
He's barely finished talking before Geoff is kissing him, long, yet soft and full of the passion they've always had. He's missed it so much.
"I love you," Geoff says. "I love you so fuckin' much, and I am never leaving you. I'm so glad you told me because now I can try to help, but this doesn't make you damaged goods or some bullshit like that. You mean the world to me, Aws. I'm so sorry I haven't made you felt like it the past few weeks, but that's gonna change, I promise."
...
"Hey Alex, over here! There's some people I want you to meet!"
Alex looks up and over to where Jack is. He's another guy Alex's never seen before. The weirdest part is that he's carrying Jack bridal style. He's really ripped; the tank top he's wearing looks stretched out over his muscles.
Alex joins them nervously. He's gotten a lot better about socializing and people in general, but meeting someone knew is always terrifying. He's not the best when it comes to first impressions.
"This is Zack," Jack says. "He's put up with me for the last, I dunno, ten years? He's the closest thing I have to a brother, well, except for everyone here. But I've known him longer."
"Hey man." Zack holds out a hand, surprising Alex even more. He must be strong, if he can shake hands while carrying someone. Either that, or Jack's really light, which wouldn't be totally out there considering the eating disorder. "Cool to finally meet ya. Jack's told me a lot."
"He- what?" Alex takes his hand shakily, looking over at Jack. "What'd you tell him?"
"That I've finally found someone with eyebrows like mine so he can stop givin' me shit!"
Alex rolls his eyes. "Of all my redeeming qualities, you go for my shitty eyebrows?"
"Hey! We have the same eyebrows!" Jack's voice is borderline shout. "And what redeeming qualities? Your inability to keep your hands to yourself? Your stupid jokes? And oh hell, don't even get me started on how much you play that fuckin' guitar."
Alex bends at the waist, collapsing in a fit of laughter. All the nerves he had are gone. Jack is so good at that. His confidence is infectious and he makes Alex feel so comfortable.
He loves it.
...
"Jack?"
Alex shifts his weight between both feet, standing in the doorway of Jack and Luke's room. "I was wondering...can I sleep with you tonight?"
It's weird, especially for him, the person who's just begun to stop flinching at unexpected touch. But Jack is just...captivating in a way he can't explain. The way everyone talks about him, like he's the big brother, the one they all go to...Alex is starting to understand why. He wants to experience it for himself.
He's also heard that Jack gives great cuddles and he's been in need of a good hug for a long time.
Jack grins at him and opens his arms. Alex makes his way over gingerly, slightly hesitant and unsure of how this is going to go. He crawls into Jack's embrace and rests his head against Jack's shoulder. "I really needed this. Thanks."
"What's goin' on, Lex?" Jack asks gently. "How're you doin'?"
"Good," Alex mumbles. "I mean, that's what m'supposed to say, right? I'm out of my parents' house, I have friends, I have people who actually give a shit about me, but I'm...m'not happy, Jack... And I want to be. I wanna be so fucking bad. But I'm not and I don't know why and it's so fuckin' frustrating because I finally like my life. I like the way things are but they're eventually gonna change and why the fuck can't I just be happy when things are good?"
"Whoa." Jack squeezes him tightly for a couple seconds. "Breathe. Relax. It's okay. You've got depression, Lex. It doesn't work like that. It's a real fucking bitch and you're not happy a lot of the time and it sucks, but you're gonna be okay. This isn't forever."
Alex sighs. Tears are pricking at the corners of his eyes and he feels like such a fucking baby for crying but he's so unbelievably frustrated. "I'm just...so tired of feeling like this."
"I know," Jack whispers. "I hate it. I hate that it exists and I hate that you havta go through it because it fucking sucks and it's not fair and you definitely don't deserve any of it. But life's a fuckin' shitshow and we're just along for the ride, y'know? And we hope to anyone fuckin' up there that it'll get better and sometimes it will but other times it just...doesn't. And that really sucks. But no matter what I'm gonna be here, okay? You got me." He chuckles. "Honestly, the only reason Zack and I have been friends this long is because I won't let him stop talking to me. Once we're friends, we're friends for life. I got ya and now you're stuck with me."
Alex gets it now. He understands why everyone looks up to Jack as a big brother, because he is. He's the big brother that makes too many dick jokes and calls everyone out on their bullshit but is always willing to offer comfort and cuddles and love and reassurance.
Something's just...different. The relationship Alex had with Tom and the one he has with Jack are so different, and not in the 'different person different kinda relationship' type of way. Jack doesn't feel like a brother to him. He sees how everyone else views him that way, but Alex knows what it's like to have a brother and things with Jack are...different.
"I dunno 'bout you, but I'm fuckin' wiped."
Jack doesn't loosen his grip at all as he flops down to the mattress, and Alex is pulled along with him, wincing as the blood rushes to his head. He curls under the covers with Jack and turns so his back is against Jack's chest, snugging into the pillow.
"Things are gonna be better tomorrow," Jack murmurs, breath warm against his ear. "Promise."