It's now or never.
I will tell him how I feel.
And then maybe, I can learn to let him go.
***
When I arrived back from Tagaytay with Tony, Tony insisted that we have dinner together. I had to come up with a good excuse to tell Matteo because he had hoped that after our trip, we would still be spending the day together. I told him I was tired and I figured he was, too, because he did drive us to Tagaytay and back all in one day. When I got to the restaurant, I gave Tony a hug. "What's up with you all of a sudden?"
His answer caught me off guard. "I just missed my best friend."
"Well, sorry I went AWOL on you for the past week."
"Nagpa-miss ka na naman." [You made me miss you]
I couldn't help but smile. "Did it work?"
He laughed. "Yeah it did. Sorry if I've been such a jerk to you."
"Huh?" Tony was really acting weird - and in a way it was quite surprisingly pleasant. "What's up with you, Tony? I'm getting the feeling that being out of touch with you is not a good idea." Could it be that he had another fight with Nicole? "So what's wrong now?"
He shook his head. "Actually, it was something Martin told me..." Then he told me that Martin told him that he believed Tony was taking me for granted. I have to admit that I wanted to kill Martin for telling Tony, but at the same time it was different hearing Tony admit it to me. "So if I did anything to make you feel that I only turned to you when I needed something..."
"Stupid. I'm your best friend. It's just that I had a lot on my mind recently. Some things that needed to be fixed..." I was glad Martin apparently didn't tell him the whole story, but it suddenly brought back the memories of what Martin and I talked about. I couldn't help but look away. If you only knew, Tony, there's more to the story than that...
"Care to share? Maybe I can help for a change?"
I sighed. "You can't help, Tony." Unless you break up with Nicole and decide to be with me instead, I wanted to add.
"Try me." He grabbed both my hands and urged me to face him. "Let me be there for you this time."
How could I tell him that I was in love with him? "You can't help me."
"Is it that bad? Is it Matteo?"
How I wish it were! But telling Tony why I was with Matteo was out of the question. Matteo was amazing. I was the mess. "One day I'll let you know."
"Well...if you don't want to talk about it, I'll wait till you're ready." Then suddenly he squeezed my hands. "Hey, you like beaches right?
I was surprised that he remembered that I did. "Yeah, what about them?"
"Let's change our routine. Let's go out of town this weekend and spend the day at the beach. Clubbing can wait."
"You just want to see women clad in bikinis..." I teased.
He squeezed my hands again. "This time, I'll be a friend. No bikini-clad woman will keep me from cheering up my best friend."
"Stupid." I couldn't help it, I stood up and hugged him. This was definitely a first that he would choose me over Nicole. "You'd actually do that for me, Tony?"
"Yeah I would." He hugged me tightly. "Just don't tell Nic."
I laughed. "Then don't tell Matteo either."
***
When Tony brought me home, I couldn't believe what just happened. Did that really mean that I was going to spend time with Tony - just the two of us? I would finally have him all to myself? And maybe, find out the real score between him and Nicole? I simply had to text Martin about it. He called me as soon as he received my text. "I take it you're as happy as can be?"
"You know I am. I just can't believe he'd want to spend time with me."
"What do you plan to do? How will you tell Matteo? I doubt he'd like the idea that you're spending the weekend with Tony."
"It's a weekend. But I guess I have to come up with an excuse on Friday. We already decided to go to Cagbalete Island near Quezon. We talked about it over dinner. We're leaving early on Friday."
"Are you going to tell Tony how you feel?"
"Do you think I should?"
I heard him sigh on the other line. "Honestly, Frances, I don't think you should. I think you should just let him go. You know he'd never break up with Nicole even if they're in a weird relationship."
"Then after this trip I will. I will let him go. Just for that weekend, I don't want to think of anything else but the thought that I can have him all to myself."
"Well, apparently after the advice I gave you last week, you realized that you still love him. But think of Matteo now."
"I am, Martin. I promise, after that weekend, I will move on and let my feelings for Tony go."
When Martin said goodnight, I couldn't help but think about Tony again. I had loved him for four years, and hoped that one day he would realize my worth. But despite this, my heart still stupidly chose to continue loving him. Even after I met Matteo, the one guy who actually loved me - my foolish heart still chose Tony.
***
I met Matteo after college. We met at his current company, both applying for the same position. I didn't really feel like working there and at that time I wasn't really sure of what I wanted. He was gorgeous actually, and had a very nice smile. I'd always been attracted to chinitos [chinky-eyed guys] since I loved how their smiles reached their eyes. So when I caught him smiling, I went into flirt-mode. I guess it worked because when I was about to leave, he suddenly asked for my number.
At that time, I really wasn't looking for love. I had Tony and we were always together. But because I did have a crush on Matteo, whenever I'd be in the area where he worked, I'd usually ask him to meet up with me.
It was different with him. He was serious and very smart. There was never a dull moment because I learned something new every time I was with him. He was the perfect gentleman, a girl's dream - someone you thought was too good to be true, but he actually existed.
When Tony and I had a falling out, that was the time I turned to Matteo. At that time, I wanted someone to get my mind off Tony, and he was willing to be that person. Dates became more frequent, late night conversations started and became a routine. And I guess I did develop some feelings for him - but they were not enough to get over Tony. Because when Tony and I became friends again, my heart still chose to be with him.
But he didn't choose me.
So I chose Matteo.
With Matteo I felt loved. I could not return that love, but he was patient. I did tell him to give me time, and he was willing to wait for me. He understands me even when I act like a bitch. He comforts me when I get uncontrollable. He is the perfect boyfriend. But I'm not the perfect girl.
When we almost broke up a year after being together, I panicked. But he took me back. I don't know if I deserved it, but I couldn't let him go. He was my security blanket, the person who chose to love me even at my worst.
No matter how many times I hurt him, Matteo never leaves my side.
And now what I'm going to do will hurt him again. So he must never find out.
***
The day of the trip, Tony dropped by my condo. I have to admit I was pretty excited to see him. We would be taking a bus to Quezon then a boat to the island. "Wow, our first trip alone together. Parang mag-boyfriend." Tony teased. ["As though we are together"]
I laughed, but deep inside I was a bit nervous. "What was your excuse to Nicole?"
He grinned sheepishly. "I turned my phone off."
"Wow. You're really taking this trip with me seriously."
He smiled and took my hand. "Just us, Princess. Let me be your knight in shining armor this time since you've been wearing the suit all this time."
When we arrived at the island, I marveled at the sight of the ocean. I couldn't believe that Tony actually wanted to bring me here. The room he got had an amazing view. "Is this how you woo the women in your life?"
He winked. "Kinda. But you're different from them."
"Did you ever bring Nicole here?"
He winced when I mentioned her name. "She doesn't like beaches."
He had the entire day planned out. It was amazing how well planned it was because I enjoyed each activity we did. I guess that's the best part of going out of town with Tony, he knew exactly what I wanted.
By sunset, we were already by terrace admiring the view from our room. He left me for a bit to buy a couple of beers. I was savoring the sunset when I heard my phone ring. It was Martin. "Wow, you're lucky I'm in such a good mood right now. Don't ruin it."
"Cess, you guys have to go back to Manila. Nicole called me. It's their anniversary."
That surprised me, too. Did Tony know about it? "We can't. The last trip left at 4PM."
"Then have him call Nicole to apologize. She's really upset."
"Maybe he did it on purpose."
"Well, convince him to call her." Then Martin hung up. At the same time, Tony arrived.
"Who was that? Matteo?"
And that was when I made my first mistake by saying that it was.
***
Knowing Tony, I knew he probably forgot about the anniversary with Nicole. But I selfishly didn't want that to ruin our night together. If I was going to let my feelings for him die, I might as well spend that one night with him before letting him go. When Tony arrived with the beers, we continued to hang out by the terrace and enjoy the sea breeze. It was then that he finally opened up to me about Nicole.
"I guess I just wanted to escape for the first time. I never told you but we're only together because our moms want it that way..."
I didn't tell him I already found out about it from Martin, but I let him continue.
"I did try though. I wasn't completely honest with you. We were already a couple before you and I became friends again. I guess I just didn't want you to see I was in a failed relationship. You always saw me as someone who couldn't be tied down to anyone, but she was different..."
I couldn't help but notice the similarity of his relationship to mine.
"I guess I wanted to prove to my mother that I could do good. She's the type my mom wants me to go for. I've disappointed her so many times, that I figured that this time I'd do right by her. We tried, but I guess it wasn't enough. And no matter what I do, it's never good enough. Nicole sees me as a player who would never change."
"Then why stay with her? You should just be honest with your mom if you're not happy."
He shook his head. "I can't. You know when you're so used to having someone there that they become your go-to person? That no matter what happens, you have someone to go home to? That's how it is with Nicole."
That hurt. But in a way, it also made sense because that was how I saw Matteo as well.
Then he turned his phone on. And when he did, I heard it beep several times.
I knew exactly what type of messages they were because Tony suddenly grew quiet. "Shit." I heard him curse under his breath.
"Is something wrong?" I knew something was, but I didn't want him to know that I knew about it. I was right. He did forget about their anniversary.
"It's Nicole. I forgot that our anniversary was today. I must have mixed up the dates. I was too engrossed in making this trip special for you that I forgot about the reservations." He stood up and went inside, probably to give her a call.
Minutes passed and when he returned, he had his back turned away from me.
I stood up and rubbed his back. "Is she mad?"
He shrugged and lit a cigarette. "She's not answering her phone or replying. I tried ringing and on my last attempt, it became unattended. She probably turned her phone off."
"You can make it up to her tomorrow..."
He sighed. "We're supposed to leave on Sunday, remember?" He groaned. "She's gonna kill me."
"You can come up with an excuse..."
He shook his head. "She said Martin already told her about our Quezon trip. The next string of messages from her are already nasty."
"What do you plan to do?"
"What can I do? I know when I get back to Manila I'm going to have one big fight with her. And this time, I won't have a good excuse to cover it up. She might even want to break up with me." He took a deep breath and leaned against the terrace. "I can't...let that happen..."
"Why?" It came out before I could even stop myself. "Do you love her? All you do is fight. You have to be in a relationship with someone you love, someone who makes you happy. Does she make you happy, Tony?
He turned his face towards me and I couldn't help myself, I pulled his head down and kissed him. I love you, Tony. I've loved you ever since the time we had our falling out. But I never said them. And I never got the chance to again because he pulled away.
"Frances, what the..."
"I'm sorry, Tony. I guess I'm just tipsy..." And then I turned away from him and ran inside the room, hoping he wouldn't have to see the tears falling down my face. I went to the bed and faced the opposite direction. A few minutes later I heard him sit down on the bed.
He was silent for quite some time. "I don't know if you're asleep right now, but I guess this is a good time as any..." He took a deep breath and stroked my hair. "I've waited for the day when you would actually show some feeling for me. I guess I got scared and decided to give up."
I could not believe what I was hearing.
"I was a jerk, Frances. But when I kissed you that time, I wanted to. When you kissed me back, I got scared. I didn't want to mess what we had. So I took the easy way out and left."
I couldn't help it, I turned to face him. "Why, Tony...why didn't you try to go back...didn't you know I wanted you to?"
"Because you're my best friend, Frances."
"You shouldn't have given me special treatment...." I didn't care if he could see the tears falling down my face. It was now or never. I had to let it all out now that I started. "You made me fall."
"I figured as much when we became friends again. But I was selfish. I turned to you because Nicole wouldn't show some affection for me. I wanted the best of both worlds."
"But you didn't choose me..." Then, after almost five years, I finally told him. "I loved you, Tony."
-end chapter 12-