trigger warnings - mentions of eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, and severe homophobia
Distraction is key.
Something Alex's learned in his short time here is that distraction, at mealtimes, is the key to avoiding panic attacks and near-purges.
Distract Jack, Frank, Mikey, Brendon, and Awsten, get them talking, and they'll eat without thinking too much about what they're doing. It works every time and Alex is starting to get better at it.
Jack isn't here and that's worrying him. Alex knows he had group with Lucas today. He hasn't seen him since Jack pushed past him on the stairs earlier. Alex caught a glimpse of his face, the red eyes and tearstained cheeks, and he's been worried ever since.
"Guys, um, is Jack okay?" He lifts a forkful of pasta to his mouth and chews thoughtfully, looking at Luke. He's Jack's roommate, he'll probably know the most.
"He's in a shitty place," Luke sighs. "That's why he was so mean to Awsten yesterday. His eating disorder is giving him hell, so what Geoff did really pissed him off."
"He's always been quiet about his problems," Pete says. "It sucks because we all wanna help him, but he doesn't like talking about them. He bottles things up, represses things, and ends up having a breakdown when they get to be too much."
"He takes on everyone else's shit and pushes his to the side."
"He's like, the big brother," Ashton explains. "He's been here the longest out of all of us. He's the closest to moms. He's the one we go to if we needa hug or pep talk."
"I'm kinda glad Luke doesn't sleep in his bed," Kellin adds. "The first couple days after everything with Vic...I slept there. Sometimes I crawled in with Jack. I dunno, his breathing helped me calm down and knowing someone was there, that I wasn't alone, made things a helluva lot easier."
"Are you okay?" Alex asks. "I've wanted to ask for a while, just didn't feel like I could...m'still so new, wouldn't blame everyone for not wanting to tell me what's going on with them."
Kellin shrugs. "Being in love with someone who doesn't give a shit about you fuckin' sucks, man. But I think I'm getting over him. He doesn't care about me, why should I waste energy on him?"
"Because he's the one. At the end of the day, he's the person you wanna spend your life with and that's never gonna change no matter how good the next guy is." Alex follows Ashton's gaze to the other end of the long table, where Calum is laughing over something Michael's said, and then it clicks.
"Ash..." He wasn't talking about Vic and Kellin. The confession and realization that Ashton's in love with Calum is both shocking and heartbreaking to Alex. He never saw it coming, but now that he knows, the past few weeks make so much more sense.
Ashton and Calum are so close and now Alex knows it's because Ashton is smitten, but Calum is oblivious. He has no idea and the sadness etched across Ashton's face makes it clear how damaging that's been.
"It's okay," Ashton says softly. "I'm okay."
Alex knows he's not.
...
"Kells? Can I talk to you?"
Kellin swallows. His heart is hammering in his chest because that's the one voice he hasn't heard in a while and part of him is getting accustomed to that. Cutting Vic out seemed like an insurmountable task, but it's been easier than he thought.
It hurts. Being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way is the worst feeling in the world and he's so tired. He's tired of pining, tired of dreaming, tired of hoping that one day Vic will come to his senses and realize the mistake their breakup was. He's tired of living his life waiting on a boy that clearly doesn't care as much about him as he does them. He's tired of wishing and hoping and dreaming and fantasizing so he's done.
He's done staying up until the ungodly hours of the morning contemplating relapse, done with the sinking feeling in his chest every time Vic mentions someone else, done letting his feelings fall to the mercy of a stupid fucking boy that doesn't give a shit about him.
"I have nothing to say to you," Kellin forces out. He's trying so hard to keep his voice steady and keep his front strong because if Vic notices a falter he'll play to it and Kellin will find himself back at square one again. Vic just has that effect on him and he refuses to get sucked in once more.
"Please. I miss you."
"You miss me?" The anxiety is starting to evaporate into anger. What the fuck does he have to be so anxious about? Vic's the asshole. He's not worth getting anxious over. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? You don't miss me. You miss having a good conscience. Too fuckin' bad. You fucked up, now you havta deal with it."
"We weren't together!" Vic holds his hands up in surrender. "Please, Kellin. Let me explain. Two minutes. Give me a chance. Please."
"Two minutes," he repeats. He follows Vic into the (surprisingly) empty family room, and they take seats on one of the couches. Kellin makes it a point to sit as far away from Vic as possible. The sadness on Vic's face is oddly satisfying. He deserves to suffer.
"I'm so sorry," Vic breathes. "I didn't...I didn't know, Kells. Seriously. I didn't. If I'd known I never would've been such a dick about people I was into. I thought things were just bad for you, I didn't know I was the one causing it..."
"Why does that matter?" Kellin challenges. "You don't feel the same way. You shouldn't have to shut up about shit to spare my stupid feelings. You broke up with me for a reason, didn't you?"
"I broke up with you because I didn't want to trigger you."
Kellin freezes. "What?"
"I'm a fuckin' mess, Kells," Vic admits. "My drug problem is that. A fuckin' problem. But you...you were trying so hard to get better. You wanted to be clean. I didn't. I couldn't be with you. I couldn't drag you down with me. I haven't been clean for months, Kells. And the drugs...they help me forget. Snorting cocaine, popping pills, fucking girls I don't give a shit about...it helps me forget you and what we had because it hurts too much to remember. You made me the best version of myself, Kellin, but the way I was going...I was gonna make you the worst version of you...and I couldn't do that to you."
...
Alex can't take this.
Awsten and Geoff haven't spoken in a month, not since Geoff said that really shitty thing and Awsten, and it's destroying them both. It's awful to watch Geoff walk around the house in a constant daze, too scared to even speak in case he says something horrible again, but it's even more awful to watch Awsten have panic attack after panic attack and relapse over and over and try to hold himself together when he's hanging on by a thread.
He doesn't know if there's hope for them to get back together, but it's clear that they're worse apart. Geoff regrets what he said and Awsten is caught between wanting to forgive him and wanting to condemn him, stuck between a rock and a hard place because both involve sacrifice and both hurt and it's a matter of choosing which will hurt less in the long run.
"Alex? Can we talk?"
Speak of the devil. Awsten's standing in the doorway, tugging the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and biting his lip. The sweater seems to swallow him, hanging off his body and really highlighting the significant weight loss. It's a sight for sore eyes.
Alex smiles, scooting over and patting the empty stretch of pillow. "What's up? You okay?"
Awsten rolls his eyes. "You know the answer to that."
"I'm worried about you," Alex admits. "You look like hell. Don't kill me for saying it, but...you looked so much happier when you were with Geoff. I know what he said is awful, but...you were at your happiest when you were with him."
"I know," Awsten replies. "I miss it. Being happy, y'know? But I just...there's something he doesn't know. Something no one here knows. I don't talk about it. I've tried so hard to block it out because even thinking about it fucks me up, but I can't forget it no matter what I do."
"What is it?" He's scared to know what Awsten's been hiding. If he hasn't told anyone it's gotta be bad.
Awsten's tense against him, stiff-bodied and shaking. He's staring straight ahead, biting his lip. "I...I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Like, at all. They...um, they're really homophobic. They found out I was gay when they went through the search history on my computer, and they were so mad..." He trails off, a sob bubbling up his throat.
"Awsten, I-"
"They sent me to a conversion therapy camp."
Alex's blood runs cold. He feels like he's been dunked in a tub of ice water. The cold feeling is spreading throughout his entire body. His stomach is in his throat and it hurts. "W-What?"
"They're like, super Christian, and being gay is basically a death sentence," Awsten says. "It...It was the worst experience of my entire life..."
"You don't have to say anything else," Alex assures him. Part of him is selfish and doesn't want to hear anymore, because he's heard things about those camps and the idea that Awsten was put through that torture makes him sick to his stomach.
"No, I...I can't keep holding it in," Awsten whispers. "I'm losing Geoff because I can't talk about it. I need to tell him."
"Why?" He's trying to walk the line between wanting to pry and not wanting to know. It's a very fine one. He's so afraid to cross into unchartered territory. He's never done something like this before.
"Because I'm a stupid clingy shit that needs constant love and affection and that's problem if you don't know why," Awsten replies. "I'm crazy until you know why. I'm annoying until you know that we had little to no human contact. That they tried to shock the gay out of us. They'd show us gay porn and if anyone got a boner they'd shock them in the balls. And then they'd force us to watch straight porn and if we didn't get off we were beaten." Tears are running down his cheeks and his eyes are glassy. "I know I'm clingy. I know it's a lot. But I need it. I...I can't function without it because I'm back in that terrible place and the memories are too much..."
Alex pulls him into a hug. He holds on tight, squeezing Awsten to his chest and resting his chin on top of his head. "I'm so fucking sorry," he murmurs. "I know that means absolute shit to you, but I just...that's so awful, Awsten...you didn't deserve any of it. Do...do moms know?"
Awsten hiccups. "I...it's not in my file. I don't talk about it. You're the first person I've ever told..."
"I'm honored," Alex replies. "That you trusted me enough to tell me something so huge. But you needa tell moms, Awsten. They'll help you. They'll get you the help you need."
"No," Awsten mumbles. "I can't. Only Geoff. I just...I miss him so much. I need him. But he needs to know what he's getting into. The mess he's signing himself up for."
"Geoff loves you," Alex insists. He's trying so hard to keep composed. One of them has to be strong right now and it's definitely not gonna be Awsten. It's just so fucking infuriating to think about. And the fact that Awsten genuinely believes that Geoff won't love him or won't want him after he knows is downright ridiculous. It's not Awsten's fault – those bastards at that fucking conversion therapy camp fucking destroyed him and it's gonna take a lot to heal the scars.
"I'm not sure he will after this."
it's gonna get better, i promise. things aren't gonna stay this way, but it makes the good times so much sweeter when you look back and realize how much shit they had to go through to get there. so, next chapter, kellin is indecisive and conflicted, awsten tells geoff, alex meets jack's best friend, and later takes advantage of the empty bed in jack's room...and gets even closer than that. the more comments i get, the quicker it's yours.
thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed.