I'm in love with my best friend.
I know there is no way he will love me back, and I've learned to accept that.
As long as he needs me, I will be there. As long as I can be with him, I will be happy.
Even if he has someone else.
Even if it means hurting the one person who actually loves me.
***
I met Tony in college.
Super playboy, super flirt. He thinks no one can resist him. I guess it had something to do with his upbringing. He was the typical Fil-Am: Filipino mom, American dad. But unlike his siblings who stayed abroad, he preferred to live in the Philippines and become independent, which was one of the reasons why women found him irresistible. He was smart, talented, and very handsome – the typical hunk. He was taking up computer engineering, I was taking up interior designing. We didn't really run in the same circles since our colleges were buildings apart - that was until we had a beauty/popularity pageant I was tasked to organize.
There were several candidates per college, per course. He was vying of course for Mr. Engineering. How we met was really an interesting story. Apparently, Tony was such a flirt, that the boyfriend of one of the candidates was hunting Tony down for trying to steal his girlfriend. I was busy designing the venue when Tony ran towards me asking me where he could hide for a while.
By that time, I had known of his 'history' with the ladies, as well as his present situation with the certain Ms. Tourism. "You should stop with all the flirting. It's not good for the image."
He laughed. "I can't help it. I'm a guy."
"And a troublesome one. Look at what's happening with you now. You know her boyfriend is a varsity player. He can easily throttle you. Either he does or his teammates do."
"C'mon, Princess. Won't you help me out?" I could tell he was already trying his 'signature moves' with me. I guess he really lived up to his name.
Then the boyfriend arrived, his face red with anger. "Jestoni Parker, keep away from my girlfriend!"
I sighed. Might as well save the day. "Hey Vera! What do you want with my boyfriend?"
That took James Vera by surprise. "He's your boyfriend? Then why the hell is he flirting with my girlfriend?" He didn't seem to believe me. I wouldn't have, too, if I were in his shoes.
So I decided to go into 'acting mode' – which thankfully managed to convince both Tony and James. I hit Tony on the head. "Haven't I told you to stop flirting with other women behind my back? Didn't I tell you I'd break up with you if I found out?" I think I got carried away because I couldn't stop hitting Tony. That actually caught James off guard because he suddenly backed off. I guess he grew uncomfortable with seeing a lovers' quarrel.
"Sorry. I, uh, better leave you guys alone..." And then he walked away in embarrassment.
When he was out of earshot, I finally stopped hitting Tony. "He's gone and you owe me."
All of a sudden, Tony hugged me tight. "You saved me, Princess!"
Too close! "Let me go, creep!" I instinctively pushed him away.
"Wow, you're really something! A girl who actually resisted my charms!"
"You're so full of yourself, aren't you, Jestoni?"
"Tony na lang." [Call me Tony instead]
"Whatever. I'll never be interested in a guy like you. You're too much of a player."
He smiled, and he looked super gorgeous when he did. "Well, Princess, I do owe you, and I will make you fall in love with me!"
"Good luck trying."
And he did try. He put on his best foot forward and followed me everywhere. I have to admit I was impressed by the way he managed to get my class schedule and meet up with me after class. He even helped out with the pageant preparations.
"In love with me yet, Princess Frances?" Yes, he even gave me a pet name.
I rolled my eyes. "Please. I'll never fall in love with a guy like you unless by some miracle you change. You should learn to grow up, Tony. You can't be a player forever."
We were always like that. Everyone actually thought we were a couple and I surprised them by saying that he wasn't my type.
"We're just friends." This was my usual excuse which was always met by rolled eyes and disbelief. Who would believe it anyway?
We were always together, and it was then that we realized that we had so much in common – which only made being together even more worthwhile.
Then one day it happened. Tony received news that his dad passed away and he had to leave school for two weeks. The news crushed him. That was actually the first time I'd seen Tony upset. He wasn't his usual cheerful, talkative self. He was walking me to my dorm when he told me that he was leaving the next day. I couldn't help but hug him, and when I did, he didn't let me go. I could feel his shoulders shaking and I knew he was crying.
"I, uh, guess I'll be dropping off the pageant," he managed to say.
"You're crying because of that?" I managed to joke. It was a lame one, but at that time I couldn't think of anything to say to him.
He pulled away. "Wow, Princess finally hugged me. Achievement dapat 'to. [This must be an achievement] Are you in love with me already?"
"Wala ka talagang kwenta kausap, Tony!" I laughed. [There is really no sense in talking to you]
"Will you at least miss me? Two weeks din 'yun." [I'll be gone for two weeks]
"Of course I'll miss you! You're my best friend!"
His eyes lit up when I said that. "Wow. Level up agad? Best friends na tayo?" [We've leveled up already? Are we best friends now?]
"You know you're important to me, Tony. It hurts me that you're trying to be strong when you're hurting inside. You can be weak with me. What are friends for but to support each other when the other needs it?"
I guess that made him feel better and I was glad that it did.
***
Tony came back two weeks later. By that time he was back to his usual playboy self. It felt great that he was back and the usual bonding continued.
I guess we were really meant to be friends and I was thankful that we were. It's different when a guy is your best friend because you get to share insights with one another. I would tell him about the guys I date – he would tell me if that guy was a keeper or a loser. When I would cry over a broken heart, he would be there to comfort me when I needed him.
But, it was also different with him. Although he did lessen the playboy image, he couldn't lessen the flirting part. I had told him that he had to treat women the same way he treated me. His reply was often "But you're different! You're special!"
"Which is why you'll never get a decent relationship if you end up hurting a woman's feelings! Trust me, I'm a woman. I know how they would feel!"
There were times when he would actually ditch women to be with me when he got bored. It was flattering, but at the same time, I had to make him realize that he had to mature. I couldn't always be there when he needed me. I had to find a love of my own – and Tony always hanging around me would just drive my prospects away.
But he said he liked being with me. It was different compared with the others. It gave him security.
Then something happened that changed everything.
He usually spent the weekends at my condo after clubbing because he'd be too drunk to drive home. At that time, he was dead drunk and it took a lot of effort to help him rest on the sofa. "I swear, you should lessen the alcohol intake. I don't know what you'll do without me."
"I don't know either, Princess." He smiled and looked into my eyes. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me and started kissing me.
I was taken aback by this, but a part of me found myself kissing him back. We wouldn't stop kissing as if all those years and memories of being together flashed back and told us that it was about time we did something about them. Afterwards, he just held me tight and we spent the remainder of the night in each other's arms.
When I woke up, I found him sitting down, his hands covering his face. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me last night. I hope nothing would change between us."
I was about to say something but he spoke again.
"You're my best friend. The last thing I want to happen is for you to think that I would be treating you the same way I treat the women in my life. You're important to me, Frances."
"I...I don't think that way about you." I couldn't look at him now. For a weird reason, I could feel a sharp pain in my heart.
"Uh...what happened last night...I'm sorry. I was really drunk..."
I couldn't help it. "Could we have a time out, Tony?" Now I could feel tears forming from my eyes but I refused to let them fall.
He fell silent and stood up. "Yeah. Let's have that."
When he left, I realized that I was in love with him already.
***
We didn't speak for months. I guess at that time it was better that way. And that was when I met him.
Matteo.
We met while vying for an interview (where he got the job and I didn't). He was very tall, with tanned skin, and a very cute smile. He seemed quiet at first and he surprised me by asking my number out of the blue after a simple conversation we had while waiting for our interviews. Then we saw each other once a week which eventually led into exclusive dating.
He was very persistent. Unlike Tony who had always needed me, Matteo was there when I needed him. He never complained, was always patient, and made the effort to make me feel special. It was different with Matteo. I had hoped at least that if I spent time with him, I'd get over Tony. But it didn't turn out that way.
Because after a year of not being in speaking terms, Tony suddenly called.
And when he did, all the feelings resurfaced.
He told me that he missed me and apologized for making us drift apart. He had been an asshole, he admitted, and regretted just disappearing.
So we finally agreed to meet up. It was awkward at first. It felt like we didn't know each other at all and I guess both of us were waiting for the other to break the silence.
I decided to break the ice. "I missed you, idiot."
He smiled. "Back at you, Princess."
"So...did you miss me?"
He laughed. "Of course!" Then he became all serious. "I'm sorry it took this long."
"Stupid. I missed you so much!" Before I knew it, tears fell down my cheeks.
"Yeah. I was stupid, wasn't I?"
I hugged him. "You're my best friend. How dare you not show up for a year!"
"If I'd known you'd cry for me, I would've done this way back! Princess, are you in love with me already?"
"I will never love you, stupid!" It was a lie, I know. But there was no way in hell I was telling him how I felt.
"Hey, I've got so much to tell you..."
We spent the entire day talking about what we've been doing for the past year. He told me that his brother was getting married and now his mother was pestering him to do the same. Apparently, he never got rid of his womanizing because he had told me about all the girls he'd dating – which was either one after the other, or simultaneously.
"When will you ever change, idiot?"
"When the right girl comes along I guess," Then he looked at me and smiled.
"I missed you, Princess Frances. I won't ever leave you again."
At that time, I knew that no matter what happened I would love this guy. I would wait until the time was right for us. For now I would enjoy the company. I would enjoy his presence. I would enjoy what we had. Soon I would tell him how I felt.
But I never got the chance to.
Because a year later, he said something that shattered my heart into a million pieces.
***
We were having dinner one time when he told me about the news. His mother had recently connected with an old friend and decided to do a little match-making. He was reluctant at first because initially, the first daughter was a snob. Then he met the second daughter.
"She's different from all the women I've dated."
He kept telling me all about how wonderful that second daughter was, not knowing that each word was like a knife stabbing me in the heart.
And like the friend that I was, I listened to him no matter how painful it was for me. And then I told him something that I never knew I'd be able to say. "I think you've found the right girl at last."
And that was when it dawned on me that he would never see me the way I wanted him to see me. So I took the easy way out – I became Matteo's girlfriend.
I know it was wrong for me, but at that time, I knew that Matteo could fill in the gap that Tony could not. I would learn to love him, I promised. I would give him what Tony did not want from me – my heart.
***
Matteo and I have been together for two years, and yet I couldn't move on. How could I when I had promised Tony never to leave him? And how could I leave Tony when being with him made me happy? It was unfair to Matteo, but I guess I'm selfish. I could not have the love I wanted, so I needed to settle for the one who loved me.
I can never admit to Matteo my feelings for Tony. I know he's been suspicious about it, but he never once complained even if I spend more time with Tony. It's the perfect relationship, according to Tony – although he, too, was clueless of my feelings.
I guess I was luckier than Tony because even if he and Nicole were together longer than Matteo and I, I could sense that his relationship was not a perfect one. Why else would he still go back to me? Why else would he still need me around?
So as long as he needs me, I will always be there.
I'm still in love with my best friend.
-end chapter 3-