The leather bound journal lay lazily in his lap as the porch swing allowed gravity to motion it back and forth. The semester would be ending soon meaning procrastination time was over. With all the chaos happening around him, he hardly had time for music much less creative writing.
He was suffering a drought in the inspiration department anyway.
Frustrated, he threw the journal on the floor. He watched as the pen rolled carelessly down the stairs.
Hearing the loud thump the journal made, Louis stepped out of the house and sat beside Harry on the swing.
"Feel like I haven't talked to you all day," he smiled as he slumped down beside Harry on the swing.
"Went to the lake earlier, remember?" Harry asked staring off into space. "I figured you wanted to spend time with your Mom and pack."
Exhaling, Louis hesitated. "Can I tell you something without upsetting you?" He waited on Harry to nod before proceeding. "I don't want to be in recovery. When you're in the cycle, you feel control and poise. When you recover, that's when the real sickness sets in." He said fiddling with his hands in his lap. "Life becomes unbearable, more so than before. You may be a healthy weight, but your emotions and mind plead for death everyday." He searched Harry's eyes for a reaction didn't receive one from the neutral face. "I have my manuscript ready for class. Will you turn it in for me?" He questioned as Harry nodded again.
"This doesn't seem real." Harry said still staring forward. "I've noticed something depressing, if you want to call it that. When you watch your soulmate slowly dying everyday, it becomes contagious; the yearning, the apathy. You see someone in so much pain that you question your own sanity. You wonder if happiness is attainable. If someone so perfect sees themselves so distorted and lives everyday in agony, there's no hope. All I can wish is to fade away with you." He numbly confessed.
Louis stood up and placed himself between Harry's legs resting his knees on the porch floor.
"What?"
"I'm not good at farewell, Lou." He said as he stood up. Louis fell backwards. Without looking at him, he gathered his journal and walked toward his car.
"Wait!" Louis clumsily chased after him, feeling drunk and dizzy from the low blood pressure emancipation causes.
Harry placed his keys in the ignition. Contemplating on leaving Louis, he knew he couldn't; not again.
"If you choose to go with me, you may leave me," Harry said looking straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel. Any hope of using mindfulness had perished.
Louis latched his seatbelt. "Let's go."
_______________
The scenery passed quickly as he tried to stay focused on the colors of Doncaster. He knew he would be going to England tomorrow and wanted to remember everything his hometown had to offer. He always was one for nostalgia, and wanted to cling onto the positive memories of his life.
He made fog appear on the passenger window before drawing a heart and scribbling L+H inside the abstract structure. Smiling, he looked over at a troubled Harry. His face melted into a frown and he continued to stare back through the window.
Truth being: he was petrified about tomorrow. He had been down this routine before and knew exactly what would ensue. He meant what he said: recovery felt like you are dying within your soul. Why would someone want to take away the only means of coping with life? Who can tell someone how to live? Who can sit and preach that eating disorders are about control when you have zero control? A paradox.
"Where are we going?" Louis asked breaking the silence.
Harry continued to look forward in silence.
He was feeling goal-oriented and could not focus on anything else. He did not want to stop and think because that meant getting emotional and he knew he had too much of that the past couple of months. He wanted to feel better. As he confessed earlier, death was on his mind too much lately. Watching someone else be destructive pulled him into the madness. Old habits reap old habits. Parallel lives.
Pulling into the drug store, he put his car in park and quickly removed the keys. Keeping his chivalry attitude, he walked over to Louis' door and opened it before starting to walk swiftly toward the door.
He didn't stop or wait on anyone or anything. He walked over to the shaving section and scanned his eyes through the shelves until he found what he was looking for. He immediately walked to the cashier and paid for his item before leaving. Placing the box in his trench coat, he sat back down in his car.
Louis looked over at him and pouted, trying to lighten the mood. "I didn't want to disturb you so I stayed here....but you forgot to close my door."
Harry glanced over at him for a second and saw the resting pout. Without hesitation, he got back out of the car and gently closed the door.
"You spoil me," Louis said snuggling up to his arm before he began to drive. "You wasn't in there long. What did you get?"
Harry still didn't answer. He began to get worried and feel tense. "Haz, I'm not sure what's going on right now. You're acting different."
He clutched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. He couldn't think, much less speak. He allowed his arm to break free from Louis' grip before turning on his 90s playlist.
Must be your skin that I'm sinking in
Must be for real because now I can feel
and I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why
Everything' gone wrong
and everything's grey
Now you're here, now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
Don't let the days go by
Glycerin
Glyercin
Louis hummed softly to the song and stared intently to Harry, waiting on him to sing along so he could remember his beautiful voice before he had to leave.
Harry listened to the song but did not sing. He wanted to let out a sweet smile listening ot the man sitting beside him, almost identically mimicking Louis' thoughts about wanting to hear his voice before he had to leave.
I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields
I treated you bad
You bruised my face
Couldn't love you more
You got a beautiful taste
Louis continued to gaze at Harry, trying to read this thoughts but couldn't. His own head pounded loudly in his ears but he couldn't keep from singing along. He felt the lyrics deep inside his soul, echoing through his entire body; a raw reminder of tomorrow. If only he was stronger, he wouldn't need rehab, If he wasn't so narcissistic, he could fake eating just to stay with Harry, but he's selfish. At least Ana thinks so.
Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Her veil became exposed. Louis could feel her sitting between him and Harry. She wore a black dress with a mourning vail over her face. She taunted him and abused him. He could feel her long talon nails sticking into his arm, trying to pinch every pound of fat he still held onto.
"You're so naïve, aren't you? To think you are going to go away for 90 days and get rid of me. I'm insulted actually. I've been providing you comfort all these years and you repay me by trying to make me disappear. My, my, what a good little puppy you are to listen to your friends and family. Do you think Harry is actually going to wait for you faithfully? Oh please. I'll be here when you get out because I'll never leave. You won't get rid of me that easily." Ana moved toward Louis trying to place her corpse-like lips onto Louis'.
"You aren't real. You're just static!"
"Is that so? Do you feel this?" Ana asked as her transparent hand seeped through Louis' stomach. She clutched onto his organs without pity as he winched over in pain. "They want you to believe I'm not real. Of course they do." Ana rubbed her cold finger down Louis' jawline. "Tell me that Harry's touch feels better than this." She moaned between her teeth.
"You're just static!" Louis whimpered. "Go away, Ana! Just go away! You're static!" He flung his arms around sloppily, trying to make the woman straddling his lip go away.
"He thinks you're a lunatic by the way. You'll never be able to keep him. He deserves better," She giggled in his ear.
"......Just static....." Louis whispered helplessly.
Harry looked over confused, still unable to speak.
Bad moon white again
Bad moon white again
And she falls around me
I needed you more
You wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be
Clear, simple, and plain
That's just fine
That's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine
The destination appeared in front of them. Louis continued to speak to the inaudible woman only he could hear as Harry focused on parking the car. He stepped out and opened the door for him, not acknowledging his conversation. He gently grabbed him by the arm and steered him into the house and up the stairs, finally able to complete his mission
Without muttering a word, he retrieved the box out of his pocket and opened it frantically. With every moment that passed thereafter, he felt his walls crumbling.
________________
Authors Note: Unless I can think of a more fitting one, I am dubbing "Glycerine" the theme song to this story. I mean seriously, I think Gavin Rosdale wrote this song for this fanfic. Then again, this song fits a lot scenarios and that's what makes it timeless. I am going to keep the 90s playlist. .
ALSO, "Flicker" was released two days ago...I listened to it on spotify. I loved what I heard so far. Niall deserves more credit. As I stated in previous chapters about Louis, our dark horses are rising! We always believed and now the world will know why.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOllF3TgAsM