"My heart is paper
It flew in the sky
And drowned in the river
And as ashes,
It died."
I recite over and over again
I can't take it anymore; everywhere I go or do, something always reminds me of him. I breakdown and cry whenever I see someone with the same blonde hair and blue eyes, or even just looking at couples. Michael has been with me through all of it; he even cancelled on going to the Green day concert just to look after me. But now, Michael's nowhere to be seen, he's been gone frequently for the past few nights; leaving me here alone in my room.
I have been getting soft, I'm no longer the emotionless statue I was a month or so ago, but I am back to where I started; crying over a boy who never really cared for me. I sit on my bed alone looking out at my window; nothing to see but a few or so stars and nothing to hear except the honks of cars.
I close my eyes trying to finally relax but suddenly open them as I hear a familiar sound bursting its way to my ears.
"There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit on the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now"
Pink Floyd's song is bouncing off my walls; it's too loud. I take any breakable things I could find and smash it against the wall. No, no, no this can't be happening again, it can't I think to myself. Memories flood over me like waves on a beach; hitting me over and over again until I could take a breather:
"Here Bella I made this for you, it's to teach you what REAL music is" Luke laughs handing me a cassette with a mix tape
"'94 MIXTAPE FOR BELLA" it read; me grinning and hugging Luke close
stop. Stop. STOP.STOP! "Get out of my head!" I yell over and over again, covering my ears with my fist. It doesn't help; the music keeps getting louder and louder. I need to leave, I need to.
I try running out for the front door but it doesn't open. I slam my fist against the door hoping it'd magically open with my tears; but let's face it, this is reality.
"This is my jam!" Luke yelled across the room; signalling me to turn it up louder; i laugh to myself, what happened to not caring for anyone? He picks me up and spins me around like many times before
"I'm in love with you; and nothing's ever going to change that." Luke says whispering in my ear; I smile widely and kiss him hard on the lips.
"I am also in love with you Lucas." I say and we both laugh
I run into the kitchen taking the closest sharpest object. My hands shaking as I take a deep breath and my heart beating as the cool sharp blade gliding against my already-cut up forearm. The music suddenly stops after that; I throw the knife against the wall; what the hell am I thinking? I put my heads in my knees and my arms at my side. Blood dripping on the ground as my tears do also.
I was getting better. For him.
I hate this; I really do. I thought I was getting better. I did. I am. Are'nt I?
"No."
-
"Belle? Bella wake up please!" two arms shake me awake, my ears are ringing and my eyes are so puffy I can barely see. I could feel my heart beat slow in pace and my eyes getting heavier by the second. I rub my eyes with my palms and realize it was Michael; his eyes are filled with worry and agony. He pulls me into a tight hug resting his free hand on my back repeating the same sentence twice
"I should've never left you alone." he says. He picks me up so that my legs are wrapped around his waist and sets me down on the bathroom counter; my head's still resting on the crook of his neck never wanting him to let me go. My heads spinning and the world around me feels as if its falling.
He pulls out a bandage and wraps it around my forearm, the cut was deeper and bigger then it I intended it to be. He looks at me with sad and sorry eyes whispering "you promised." and leaves me alone sitting on the bathroom counter. My head and body feels light as air as if I was to collapse any moment. My throat burns and my arm itches as my whole body feels insane.
In the corner of my eye I see him, walking into the living room, taking in at the mess I've done and he crouches down and softly cries. I don't have the strength to do anything; not even lift myself off the counter. My whole body then collapses onto the ground leaving Michael running in again. I cant breathe as I'm taking in every breath I can possibly take as he holds me in his arms crying harder for me to calm down. But I cant.
He and I are both crying to the point where there's nothing left in us to take out. It's all silent deep breaths now. And silent it will be.
"I'm sorry Michael." I mouth, my voice barely anything from screaming and crying; he looks at me with the same sad eyes that I caused.
"It's my fault, all my fault." He whispers over and over again, I ruined Michael practically destroyed him is what I've done. He gives me a soft smile; even at times like this he can make it a hell lot brighter. He closes his eyes as he presses his lips against my forehead.
"I'm sorry." he says.
-
"I hate you! You're the worst daughter any man could ask for! Running around with that fucking 'boyfriend' of yours, he'll break your heart just you wait." My dad slurred smashing the empty beer bottle across the room; he takes a step closer to me causing me to flinch.
"What?!" he spat "You think I'd fucking hit my only child?" he roared; yes, you did before. I take a few steps back keeping my distance away from him; he takes his eyes off me and on to the vase with my mum's ashes on the shelf.
"You know, she could have still been here, if it weren't for you." He says staring at the vase, rolling it in his hands. Tears were slowly starting to spill down my cheeks and my lips beginning to tremble.
"She could've been here if it weren't for you." he repeated over and over again, the same sentence getting louder and louder each time. He smashes mum's vase into a million little pieces, ash being blown away in every direction. I drop on the floor and start bawling my eyes out for the only thing I've had left of mum is now gone.
-
I jerk awake with a sweat covered body and a hell hurting throat. Michael's arm is over-top of my torso as I notice him still sleeping. Dark bags under his eyes and his work uniform still on. If it were the same him a week ago; he'd be smiling in his sleep. His smile is long-gone from now. I slip away from his hold to see everything outside of my room is cleaned, no more pieces of glass, or tables upside down, he cleaned it all up. I sigh resting my head in my hands; I'm destroying Michael.
I already destroyed him.
I sit down on the dinner table grabbing two bowls of cereal: one for me and one for Michael, if he wakes up any time soon. My legs are sore and my arms feel numb; my one arm is covered in bandages as I guess Mikey did that a few good hours ago. I scratch the back of my head putting both my hands on my face; letting it rest there for a solid few minutes sighing.
I glance over at the clock on the wall which displays 2:47 pm, I get distracted by the buzzes on his phone on the other side of the table; me eager to pick it up. I decide whether or not to grab it as his phone was vibrating too much; it would've fell off the table. I stand up walking over to it when a voice stops me.
"You shouldn't look through Michael's phone you know." Luke says to me.
It's your imagination
Just your imagination
Imagination Bella, ignore it.
I pick his phone up anyways;
"You're still as stubborn as I left you, aren't you Bella?" he teases me, I flinch at the sound my name escapes his lips
"Get out Luke." I barely manage to choke out, he steps closer to me putting his hand on my cheek.
"You knew I'd hurt you, why were you so stupid to let me in your dumb little life?" He scoffs, and tears escape my eyes without permission; one tear after another, all for the boy who played around with my head.
"Get out!" I yell over and over again, just like many times before. But he doesn't leave, he stays put smirking at me, and in seconds I slap it right off his face. I run into the bathroom locking it as soon as I got in, Luke yelling at me to come out.
I'm in the corner of the bathroom screaming the same two words over again but he doesn't seem to leave. I stand up stumbling and go through the medicine cabinet; taking a random case; not caring what it was for and open it. I take a handful of pills, my hands shaking and pills falling over the floor. My hearts as loud as the bangs on the door. But in seconds everything is silent.
As if the whole world around me stopped.
I put four, five, six pills in my mouth swallowing them not caring that I was actually choking. My arms feel light and are shaking. The floor suddenly feels like pins and needles and I'm on the ground; frozen.
I admit it; I am crazy, and I'm not hesitant to leave it all behind.
the pounding of the door and yelling, is slowly fading away. No matter how hard any one tries; they're going to be too late to ever come close to saving me.
"I ' m s o r r y m i c h a e l" is all I think before everything blacks out.
***
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so watcha think? :)
this was supposed to be updated last night but my puppy like killed my finger and it was hardddd
anyways
question
if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
i'd go to like new zealand
fine lookin' lads there eh?
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GOALLLL (this is a big juannn)
50 reads
20 votes
and comments on where you'd like to live :)