TW – discusses rape
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I could not quite see the figure stood before us in the darkness, but I quickly recognized the voice.
It was Aura.
Severus and I both immediately stood up, creating a large space between us as we did so. "I—it's not—we—I was—er..." I had no idea how to escape this situation. There was no way out of this, unless I either ran away or Obliviated Aura—and I would be doing neither of those options, leaving me to have to deal with the situation.
Severus appeared to be just as lost for words as I was. He simply stared at Aura, repeatedly slowly shaking his head, his mouth rather inelegantly hanging agape as he did so.
"Is this how you've been getting such good marks? By sleeping with your professors?"
My face turned a bright red, which may or may not have been visible in the dim moonlight. "How dare you—I would never—" I stopped myself and turned to look at Severus for a moment. "I don't mean you any offense, but—I would never—"
"Really? What is this, then?" said Aura.
Severus had finally got over his initial shock, and was once again capable of speech. "Miss Smith, that is quite enough. I am not sure of what you believe to have played witness to, but I can assure you that this is a misunderstanding. There is no scandal occurring between myself and Miss Kelly. Quite frankly, I should give you a detention for such an insinuation."
"Nice try, Professor, but I know what I saw. I could tell Dumbledore—you know, usually it's the Defense professors who get sacked around this time of the year, but I guess this year's different."
"Miss Smith, I suggest you cut this act at once, unless you would care to spend the rest of your week in detention." said Severus. A look of impatience formed upon Aura's face, and she turned once again towards Severus.
"Oh, sod off. I know what I saw, and no amount of detentions will change that." Aura said, a look of challenge in her eyes as she regarded Severus with disgust. She then turned to me, a milder look on her face.
"I had thought better of you than this, Am..." she said, sounding disappointed.
"It's not like that—" I said hopelessly.
"What is this?" she asked sadly.
"I swear, there's nothing going on between us—it was a mistake—"
"No, it wasn't. I was watching you before. You're brilliant at Potions—everyone knows that. You don't need to do the dirty with Snape to get good marks. You've been getting Os in it since first year—or were you sleeping with Slughorn, too?" Her voice grew less disappointed and more accusatory as she spoke, and I felt anger boiling up inside me.
"I'm not sleeping with him! You know how hard I work to get good marks—"
"And you'd do practically anything—anyone—to keep them." Aura said, her voice dripping with venom.
"Is this because of Fennel?" I asked. "I'm sorry for what he did to you, I really am, but that gives you no excuse to—"
"Don't you dare mention Fennel to me—"
"I'm the one that told Dumbledore about him, and got him sacked! I found out what he was doing, but I didn't tell anyone–anyone—but Dumbledore, because I thought you'd be embarrassed!"
"You—you did?" Aura said blankly, momentarily forgetting her anger. However, her face soon scrunched up again, and she said, "Don't think this changes anything." And began to walk back to the castle.
"Aura—wait—" I said. She turned around, an impatient look on her face.
"You won't—"
"—tell anyone? Is that what you're worried about?" She gave me a look of utter disgust. "No worries, I'll keep your pathetic secret safe, since that's all you care about." With that, she took off again, and soon disappeared into the castle.
I turned to Severus.
Wordlessly, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and I leaned my head onto his shoulder. We stood there silently, looking out onto the Lake, for a few moments. Then—
"It truly was a mistake—" he started, but I cut him off by pressing my lips against his. He was taken aback at first, but returned the kiss. My eyelids fluttered shut, and I hoped my other senses would be heightened as a result while I experienced perhaps the most blissful moment in my life. Too soon, Severus pulled away, and my eyes flew open, revealing a deeply conflicted Potions Master stood before me.
"No," he said simply.
"No?" I repeated.
"We—we mustn't."
"But—"
"Your friend Miss Smith has already been too lenient with us—were she to catch us again, she might not be so kind."
"Then we be more secretive?"
Severus shook his head. "It would be inappropriate—unprofessional—besides, Lily—"
"—would be happy for you. And it's not so terrible; I'm sixteen..."
"I highly doubt Dumbledore would approve of it."
"You never know, Dumbledore agrees to some strange things. And anyway, doesn't he always say 'love conquers all', or something along those lines?"
"That would be Vergil," Severus said with a smirk. "Even if Dumbledore agreed with us, the Ministry would not. You are a student, and I your professor."
"Since when did you give a damn about the Ministry?"
"Language, Miss Kelly." said Severus, but seemed rather amused. "I suppose I don't."
"Then you really shouldn't worry about what they might say if I did this—" I gave Severus a quick peck on the lips, and took great pleasure in watching his expression when I pulled away.
After a few moments of visible inner-turmoil, Severus finally said, "No. Not while you're a student."
And, with those few words, I was quickly sobered from my short-lived euphoria.
"I—I understand." I said, my voice suddenly very squeaky.
"I wouldn't want you to be expelled because of something we both could wait two years for."
"Really only a year and a half," I said, cursing my voice for betraying me still.
"Assuming you don't loathe me by then,"
"I don't think that's possible." I said, my voice finally returning to normal. "So...just—just friends, then?" I extended my hand towards him, as if an olive branch.
"Just friends." he said, taking my hand in his and shaking it. After we had shaken hands, my hand lingered in his.
"...for now." I said quietly, and he released my hand. If Severus heard this remark, he chose not to comment.
After a few long moments of silent regret, longing, and sorrow, Severus attempted to return the atmosphere to its previously warm (metaphorically—it was freezing, temperature-wise) state.
"Who was Fennel?" Severus asked.
"Fennel. Oh, dear. Fennel was our Defense Against the Darks Arts professor in our third year. Aura was brilliant at Defense—she still is—and—I probably shouldn't be telling you this..."
"What, because I'm such a gossipmonger?" he asked sarcastically, a smirk on his face.
"Precisely. No, it's just not—I'll just tell you. Fennel—Fennel raped Aura. I don't know exactly how it happened, but Aura was—imaginably—pretty traumatized. Fennel threatened Aura not to tell anyone, so she kept quiet. And, well, since Fennel still exerted power over Aura, he continued to...abuse her.
"It was bad. One day, Aura fell unconscious because of Fennel, and had to be taken to the Hospital Wing, yet she still didn't tell anyone, because she was afraid of what Fennel might do to her.
"One night towards the end of the year, I was up late and Aura started to have this—nightmare. I knew that something odd was going on with her, but I didn't know what. She kept begging for someone to stop, and then she said Fennel's name, and everything fell into place. I reported him to Dumbledore on suspicion, but then Dumbledore walked in on him—with Aura—and he was sacked, and had a trial at the Ministry of Magic."
"Why do I sense that the story doesn't end there?"
"It doesn't. Fennel held some influence Ministry, and got off easily. Dumbledore refused to let him back into Hogwarts, but he didn't have his wand broken or face any punishment. I think he's working in the Ministry now."
"And so Miss Smith thought that I was treating you as this 'Fennel' treated her?"
"I think so. Or she might have thought I was desperate for an O."
Severus looked out onto the Lake, staring into its murky depths with a rather bitter look on his look, a deep crease formed upon his brow.
"You do know I have done—terrible things, for which I can never be forgiven—in the past, in my days as a Death Eater—correct?" said Severus cautiously, turning to look at me.
I nodded, unsure of the direction which this conversation was heading, but knowing it couldn't be good.
"My fellow Death Eaters often raped their victims, along with other forms of torture. It was so popular it became a rite of passage for male Death Eaters—after being branded with the mark and enduring the initial torture, that is.
"I remember it vividly. I—well, I was a virgin at the time, so my dear friend Lucius thought it would be humorous to mock me in that sense, and so he gave me a Muggle girl whom he knew would be a virgin—a child..."
"Severus, you don't—you don't have to continue—" I said sadly, noticing the deeply sorrowful look in his black eyes, but he shook his head.
"You deserve to know the truth about me.
"She was eight. I was eighteen. They made me do it in front of them, as well, but I—I couldn't do it. As desperately as I wanted to join the Death Eaters, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was beginning to reconsider my decision, and I was about to take off and leave.
"Lucius, who was something of a friend at the time, noticed my reluctance. And, since he didn't want me to suffer the fate the Dark Lord bestows upon those who can't complete their initiation, he put the Imperius Curse on me.
"But I was still aware of what I was doing, even if I couldn't control it. They made—they made the girl's father watch.
"Not long afterwards, the girl was killed, along with the rest of her family. They were merely entertainment for that evening—they had done nothing wrong, but exist.
"After this incident, I felt incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself. But rather than change my resolve and try to better myself, I only submerged myself deeper into the darkness—because no one would accept me after what I had done, and because I deserved nothing less than the torture a Death Eater endures."
"But you did change," I said, gently touching his arm, "And that's all that matters."
He gave a cold laugh. "Hardly. I only ceased the vile acts once the Dark Lord disappeared in October."
I considered this. How many times had I seen Severus, right after he had murdered or tortured or raped someone? What made the difference between his victims and me? Mere blood status? Were I a Muggleborn, would I, too, be one of his victims?
I shook my head. No. It wasn't as though he enjoyed it—and he essentially had to do it, in his position as a spy—
"I'm sorry." I said, causing Severus to arch an eyebrow in confusion.
"For what you had to do, I mean. I know you didn't want to—but you had to—to be a spy for the Order—"
"I didn't kill people for the Order, Amarina. I didn't rape—I didn't torture—for them. I did it for Dumbledore."
"Did he know?" I asked incredulously, "What you had to do to be a Death Eater, to get information?"
"Of course he knew." said Severus. "I had to report any information to him whenever I returned from summons. He saw me after I tortured, or was tortured myself—"
"You were tortured?" I said angrily. "That's it, I'm going to have a word with Dumbledore—I can't believe he would make you go through that—and all this time I admired him—"
"That is unnecessary," said Severus. "Though I do appreciate the gesture. Like you said, it's in the past now." I frowned, but agreed nonetheless.
"It's getting late," said Severus.
"I suppose you're right," I said. "Do you Madam Pomfrey will know I was gone?"
"Amarina, you're the only student currently staying in the Hospital Wing, save for Miss Jones. I would be rather surprised if she had not noticed your absence." said Severus.
"That's what I was afraid of." I said. And with that, we began our long-overdue trek back to the Hospital Wing, spent completely in silence. Two equally troubling thoughts were plaguing my mind. The first, I had not given much previous thought, as I had been preoccupied by the second. Aura had seemed extremely upset, and I feared that I may have lost a friend—and not even gained a relationship with Severus. I couldn't get my and Severus's kiss—or kisses, as we had done it more than once—out of my mind. I was unsure how it would have worked out, had something further transpired between us—but I was rather regretful that we remained "just friends". But, one and a half years wasn't that long...
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A/N: Hello, I hope you are enjoying the holidays! Hope you aren't too disappointed by Amarina & Severus's decision to stay "friends"—but fret not, there will still be some romance between the two and, as always, drama!
On that note, I hope you have a wonderful Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, New Year, or whatever else you may celebrate!
Ta,
Cherry