Naimulat ko ang mga mata dahil sa malakas na putok na bumalot sa aking pandinig. Kasabay nito ay hiyawan ng mga tao sa paligid. I shifted my eyes from above and saw the dazzling fireworks as they spiralled into the pitch black sky. The town plaza was filled with happiness and laughters of the anticipating townspeople. The fireworks, once again, lit up the dark sky like the neon glow of the Northern lights.
The whole thing looked like a beautiful painting.
Nanatili roon ang paningin ko habang ang mga tao naman ay nagsimula nang magsayawan sa masayang saliw ng musika. Faint conversations and hearty laughs from the townspeople filled my ears. Isang malalim na buntong-hininga ang kumawala sa labi ko at ibinalik ang tingin sa paligid.
Everyone was dancing to the cheerful music of the band. Fairy lights are hanging by the old lamp posts, giving the place a magical and cozy atmosphere. The smell of salt wafted through the air as the wind calmly sways the waters of the San Carlos' sea. Giggles of the children being chased by their parents for running around with the barbeque sticks in their hand, somehow made me warm in this cold December night.
This scene... it is very familiar. Almost as if it's a scene from the recurring dreams I have.
"Eloise Sandoval?" muntikan na akong mapatalon sa gulat nang may kumalabit sa akin. I turned around to see the person behind me and was surprised to see Gabrielle.
"It's really you!" nakangiting bulalas nito. Napangiti rin ako, lalo na nang salubungin ako nito ng isang mahigpit na yakap.
"God, it's been years since the last time I saw you! Tinatanong kita kay Joaquin pero ang sabi ay busy ka raw sa studio mo sa Manila," sunud-sunod niyang wika. Napakamot ako ng batok nang makaramdam ng hiya.
"Ganoon na nga..." saad ko.
"I'm happy for you. You finally reached your real dream. To be a photographer!" nginitian ako nito. Hindi ko alam, ngunit hindi ko magawang ngumiti dahil sa narinig.
Instead, I saw images. Images of the two of us, standing in this same place at the night of the Sayawan sa Paraiso five years ago. I am holding my camera, adjusting its lenses while aiming for a photo. A photo of I don't know what.
I heaved a deep breathe, "Chief? Naalala mo pa ba kung ano 'yung pinag-usapan natin noong gabing 'yon?" lumingon ako sakanya.
I felt her stiffened.
"To be honest, I don't really remember much things about that night, which was weird, by the way."
"How was it weird?"
"Hindi ko rin alam. But that was the only Sayawan sa Paraiso that felt like it never happened. I can't remember a thing about it, tulad nalang ng naging pag-uusap natin. It felt so sudden and surreal... like a dream," natigilan ako sa kanyang sinabi.
A dream. It was like a dream...
Lumingon muli ako sa harapan. In the middle of the plaza stood a big bonfire. People hopped around the raging crackling bonfire as they sing together with the band. Nanatili ang mata ko sa nag-aalab na apoy. The sound of the woods crackling from the heat echoed in my ears. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit, ngunit pakiramdam ko ay may kulang.
The bonfire has become a part of our tradition. It has always been there at the last night of the festival. But why do I have this feeling that something else was standing in there before?
"Wala bang nakatayo noon rito?" I asked, my eyes fixated at the bright orange flickering blaze.
"Sa gitna ng plaza ba kamo?" I nodded. "Sa pagkakaalam ko ay wala naman. It was just a plaza. No trees, no statues... or anything. Bakit?"
Hindi ko alam.
I hate to admit it myself, ngunit maging ako man ay hindi magawang maintindihan kung ano nga ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. I would always wake up with a shallow feeling in my chest. With a memory or a dream, that I can never recall. I always felt a kind of a lack, a wistfulness, a sense of having missed something. And the sensation that I lost something lingers for some quite time now.
Sometimes, I would see fragments. The Sayawan sa Paraiso, billion of stars parading before my eyes, wide rose garden, a night in the sea with glowing jellyfishes, and a lone sky lantern flying into the vast darkness. And in those fragments, I was all alone, but I can feel another presence with me.
In other times, it was not that sweet and endearing. I would see terrifying fragments that would make me broke into tears. A bloody corpse, a heavy metal chain, a huge fire, and a gun pointing at me.
Sometimes, I am even searching for someone, whom I can't pinpoint who. Hindi ko alam. Tuwing susubukan ko naman na alalahanin ito ay nabablanko lamang ang utak ko. It was as if my mind refuses to remember, that my mind itself is blocking either the dreams or memories I once had.
I think this feeling possessed me after the incident that happened to me five years ago. The night when I was found unconscious by the seashore. If I committed a suicide or someone tried to kill me that night, I don't know. We don't know. No one knows what really happened that night. Unless I remember, which I think, is impossible to happen.
"Ma, can I smoke?" nilingon ko si mama na ngayon ay nakatayo sa pintuan ng bahay. Suot nito ang makapal na sweater at yakap ang sarili, habang may hawak na isang tasa na marahil ay kape.
She scowled at me, "Baka nalilimutan mo na doctor ka pa rin, Eloise. Sino na lang ang maniniwala sa iyo kung ikaw mismo ay hindi magawang alagaan ang sariling kalusugan?"
Marahan kong sinipa ang buhangin at tiningala ang kalangitan. Maliwanag ang gabi dahil sa buwan at sa hatid na kinang ng mga nagsasayawang bituin. Stars illuminate the sky like soft snowflakes in a winter night, yet still appear, like an old photograph. For reasons I don't know, I feel connected to the stars. Sa bawat kislap ng mga ito ay tila nangungusap sila sa akin.
"Hindi ako doctor, ma," I said after the long silence.
After finishing my degree in medicine, tulad ng aking dating plano, itinuloy ko ang pangarap ko. I pursued my passion. I attended Photography school in the past four years. I was beyond happy that my family supported my decision.
When I graduated, I started working as a freelance photographer. I was offered a lot of gigs. Until I have earned enough to build my own studio, of course, together with my mother who insisted to help. Hindi pa ito kalakihan, but with enough patience, perseverance and hardwork, I know that someday it will be big. I always pray for that to happen.
Photography is my passion, but through the years, it has also been my remedy and distraction from everything that happened to me. When this strange feeling consumes me, I'd hold my camera. The need to take photographs was captivating, but it was also an escape I use to drown unwanted emotions trying to succumb me. Sa tuwing hawak ko ang camera ko, nakakalimutan ko ang lahat. All I know is that, I am Eloise Sandoval, a girl with a simple dream.
To capture a memory.
So we can hold the happiest or even the saddest times of our lives in our hearts and look back at it, without the need of travelling back into the past.
I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave my eyes. And that's when I can't hold them back. Napahawak ako sa pisngi nang may tumulong luha rito. Mabilis ko itong pinalis upang hindi mapansin ni mama. I can't believe I'm here again. I'm stuck in this feeling again.
"Tungkol ba ito sa panaginip mo?" naramdaman ko ang presensya ni mama sa tabi ko. From above, I shifted my eyes to her.
"Pakiramdam ko may kulang. It feels like I've lost something so dear to me. Pakiramdam ko may nawalang parte saakin," I bit my lower lip, "At ang bigat-bigat na dito, ma." itinuro ko ang dibdib. Napatingala ako nang muling manlabo ang paningin. I tried to hold the tears back in as I feel the tightening feeling in my throat.
"Hindi ba't sinabi ng doctor na maaari kang makaranas ng hallucinations? Tatlong buwan kang comatose, hija. Sa halip na isipin ang mga bagay na hindi mo maalala, bakit hindi ka nalang gumawa ng mga panibagong alaala?"
I was in comatose for three months after I got drowned. I inhaled so much water and my lungs were on the verge of giving up. It was a miracle, they say, that I even woke up.
Tungkol sa mga nakikita ko, ang sabi ng doctor ay maaaring panaginip ko lang ang mga ito. People sometimes claim to have strange memories, dreams, or even visions from the time they spend in a coma. But the doctor said that what I have is probably post-traumatic amnesia. This occurs after the person emerges from a coma, when the brain is still adjusting to being awake. During this time, the person may experience hallucinations.
The doctor said that the images that I can see were nothing like dreams or memories, rather hallucinations. But there is something in me that persists that they were not, that they happened. It was real. Kasi, yung saya, lungkot, at sakit na nararamdaman ko ay totoo.
"How can I move forward without the missing pieces?" I whispered. Mom smiled at me and pointed at the sky.
"Do you see the moon?" napatingin ako sa kalahating buwan dahil roon.
"It's in a half, incomplete," mom says, "But time will come that it will be complete. Hindi man ngayon, ngunit darating ang araw na 'yon."
"I don't understand."
"If you can't remember, then wait for it. Don't force yourself to remember or you will never remember," she smiled. "Like the half of the moon who reveals itself in the right time, ganoon rin ang mga alaala mo. Makukumpleto ka muli. Sa tamang panahon. But for now, work on your other parts first."
"What if the right time never came?"
"Kung hindi man dumating, baka kailangan mo na talagang limutin. It's been five years, Eloise. I think you have suffered enough," marahang hinaplos ni mama ang aking pisngi, "You do know that in our life, there is this... at least one thing... that will always be left unanswered? Marahil ay ito 'yon."
Nanatiling nakapako ang mga mata ko sa aking repleksyon sa salamin. I stopped combing my hair and stared at my reflection. It has been five years. Five years spent with wistfulness and frustration for something I can't remember.
I even had my therapy sessions for this, but still, nothing happened. I can't progress. Kahit na gusto kong limutin ang mga bagay na 'to ay hindi ko magawa. Tila may parte saakin na gustong malaman kung ano ang totoo. I want to know if these things that I see happened or just like what the doctor said, a hallucination.
Nawala ang atensyon ko sa salamin nang may kumatok sa pintuan ng kwarto. Tiningnan ko ito at natagpuan si mama na ngayon ay nakatayo sa amba ng pintuan.
"May naghahanap sa'yo sa baba," her lips formed into a sly smile. Nanliit ang mga mata ko at napailing. I can't believe my mother.
"He's my employee, ma," putol ko sa kung ano mang palaisipan na tumatakbo sa isip nito.
"May hitsura," dagdag pa nito.
I laughed, "He's in Joaquin's age, mama."
And there, she didn't say a thing again. Natawa ako sa isipan. Hindi naman lingid saakin ang kagustuhan ni mama na lumagay na 'ko sa tahimik. Dumadalas ang pagpaparinig niya nitong mga nakaraang araw. But if I were to ask, I haven't really thought about it. I think I'm still young, and I just started building my dream. Gusto ko munang sulitin ang lahat ng bagay na meron ako ngayon.
Kung darating siya, doon nalang.
But for now my main focus is this photoshoot! This is the biggest one I had since the studio was built. It's a prenuptial shoot. One of our clients, the bride, is a native of San Carlos and wanted to do the shoot here. I must say she have a taste. A prenuptial shoot by the sea is truly a top tier.
"Hindi ko alam na dito ka lumaki, ma'am. Ang akala ko ay Manileña ka," tiningnan ko si Gio na ngayon ay payapang nagmamaneho.
Naalala ko na naman ang ngiti ni mama kanina. I mentally shook my head. How could she think of that? I literally treat this kid as a little brother!
I smiled, "I grew up here, Gio. I also finished my studies in here and moved in Manila after that."
"Ang saya siguro ng childhood mo, ma'am. Laking probinsya," he says, as he manoeuvre the steering wheel to our destination.
Sa halip na sumagot, dumako ang mga mata ko sa labas ng bintana ng kotse. Mula rito ay tanaw na tanaw ang dagat. Napahawak ako sa salamin ng bintana. The pristine sea stretched in all directions, the magnificent sun scattering diamonds in its surface. Seagulls wheeled overhead, carried by the cool sea breeze. I sighed at the view.
I don't understand why I always feel longing for the sea. Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang pinaghalong saya at lungkot na nararamdaman ko tuwing natatanaw ang asul at payapang dagat.
"Apo pala ng dating governor ang ikakasal. Bigtime pala talaga ang project na ito, ma'am."
"Governor?" tinanguan ako ni Gio. I didn't know that! How could I not know that? All I know is that I am grateful to accept this project because it's the biggest one we had so far!
"Juan Mateo dela Cuesta III," sa hindi malamang dahilan ay natigilan ako dahil sa narinig.
"Bakit, ma'am? Do you personally know any of the dela Cuesta's?" naikurap ko ang mata at umiling.
But... but it sounded familiar. The surname sounds very familiar. Maybe because the past governor was a dela Cuesta? O baka nabanggit na talaga sa akin during our first meeting and I just forgot about it? Napailing ako sa isipan. No, it's not like that. The familiarity that I feel is different.
Lumiko si Gio papunta sa kung saan. I grew up here in San Carlos, but it's been years since the last time I went here. A lot of things changed, kaya medyo hindi na rin ako pamilyar sa buong lugar. Tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana nang huminto kami sa harapan ng isang pamilyar at matayog na gate.
Ilang sandali pa ay bumukas ang malaking wooden gate. Sa itaas nito ay may tila arko kung saan naka-ukit ang apelyidong dela Cuesta gamit ang ginto. Bawat letra ay kumikinang sa ganda sa ilalim ng sikat ng araw. What is this place?
Tumingin ako sa harapan at bumati sa mga mata ko ang malawak na lupain. Tinanaw ko ang buong paligid mula sa bintana. Hindi ko alam kung may sinasabi ba si Gio sa akin, ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ay ang hindi maipaliwanag na kaba at pagkasabik na nararamdaman.
"Nandito na po tayo," I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Gio. Humingi ako ng paumanhin rito at bumaba na rin ng sasakyan.
The moment I stepped out of the van, my eyes lingered at the view in front of me. Ivy and ferns grew through the crevices of the old winding stone path, which led directly to the old spanish mansion. Tiningala ko ito, minamasdan ang masalimuot at magandang istraktura ng mansyon.
In front of it stood the delicate marble fountain. May istatwa ito ng tatlong anghel na ngayon ay payapang nagbubuga ng tubig. The soft gurgling of the clear water was melodic as it resonated in the surrounding silence. It's so serene.
Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib. Marahan ko itong pinalo, pilit na kinakalma ang sarili. This feeling... I only get this kind of feeling whenever I see those images flashing inside my mind.
For a moment, I thought that I am inside those recurring dreams or memories I've had. It felt like I was hit with a huge wave of nostalgia.
"Ayos lang po ba kayo, ma'am?" mabilis kong iniwas ang tingin sa mansyon dahil roon.
I smiled at Gio, "Yes, I'm fine."
"Ganyan rin ang reaksyon namin kanina no'ng makita ang mansyon. It's beautiful with the touch of classic," nilingon ito ni Gio. Ibinalik ko tuloy ang tingin sa mansyon. Matiim ko itong tiningnan. There is something about this place that makes me drawn to it. I just can't tell what.
"As far as I know, this mansion was built during the reign of the Spaniards in our country. Ipinatayo ito ni Don Alejandro dela Cuesta noong lumipat sila ng kanyang asawa sa San Carlos. Dito sila nanirahan, and sooner, they built their own family. Tatlo ang naging anak ng mag-asawa. In fact ma'am, the grandfather of the past governor was the last child of Don Alejandro and Doña Luciana, who is Juan Mateo dela Cuesta."
"You really did a research for this?" tanong ko.
"I got interested the moment I saw the mansion," nahihiyang amin nito. He's even scratching the back of his head. Napangiti na lang ako.
"Gio!" sigaw ng pamilyar na boses. I wandered my eyes around the place, until I saw Loris standing few feets away from us.
"Nandito na pala kayo!" wika nito kay Gio nang makalapit. Humarap ito sa akin, yumuko at binati ako.
I smiled. "All set?"
"Yes ma'am, kanina pa po. Even the bride and groom, they are both ready. Ang akala po namin ay naligaw si Gio papunta sa bahay ninyo dahil natagalan," hindi nakatakas sa mga mata ko ang pasimpleng pag-irap niya rito. I mentally shook my head.
"That's what actually happened," ngiwing pag-amin naman ni Gio. Mabilis siyang hinarap ni Loris dahil doon. Nanliliit ang mga mata nito at akmang kukutusan si Gio, but he was quick to hide behind my back.
"Sinasabi ko sa'yo ma'am, sadista 'yan. You should do something. Fire her or at least file a lawsuit. Harassment, ma'am! That will do."
"You, satanic asshole!"
Inilingan ko si Loris nang akmang papaluin si Gio na nasa likuran ko gamit ng kanyang clipboard. Wala itong nagawa kung hindi sundin ang utos ko. We may almost be in the same age, but I am still her boss and she knows that. I told them that they can act themselves around me, but be professional when needed.
"We still have a work to finish. You can smack him on the head later," I says, wiggling my brows at her.
Loris was happy with what I said, while Gio kept on mumbling and sulking as we walk our way inside the mansion. Hindi ko maiwasan ang matawa sa isipan. Why did I hire these young kids again? Ah, because of the burning passion in their eyes. Their strong desire to do what they love. Nakita ko sakanila ang sarili ko noong nagsisimula pa lang ako.
Nauna ang mga staff na magpunta rito. They prepared everything that's needed for the photoshoot. After that, Gio was the one who's tasked to fetch me in the house. I insisted, but they were persistent. Gumamit ito ng waze papunta sa amin, ngunit nagloko ito kaya naman naligaw siya at natagalan. He was really glad that the people in town are kind enough to guide him, until he reached our house.
Noong marating namin ang likuran ng mansyon ay bumati sa amin ang asul at malawak na karagatan. Binati kami ng mga kasamahan namin. Ngitian ko ang mga ito. Loris is right, everything is set. Nakaramdam tuloy ako ng hiya. How could I be late to our very first big project?
"I'm sorry we were late," nahihiyang bati ko nang maglakad palapit sa amin ang babaeng kliyente.
"We don't mind waiting with this kind of view," sulyap nya sa dagat. The man beside her, whom I assumed is her fiancé, smiled at us.
We didn't waste any time and started the shoot. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mapangiti habang kinukunan sila ng letrato. Isa ito sa mga paborito kong parte ng trabaho ko. It is when I see the smiles on the faces of the two people deeply in love. And the way they look at their partners like they are the most precious thing in the universe... it's beautiful.
"Hugo wrapped your hands around Yna," I politely instructed, "Yna, let your head rest upon his chest..." mabilis naman na sinunod ng dalawa ang utos ko. A smile crept onto my lips as I captured the glorious moment.
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like... to love and to be loved by someone. What does it feels like to look at this certain person and instead of eyes, you see a home?
Napailing ako sa sarili.
Why am I suddenly thinking of those things? Kasasabi ko lamang sa sarili kanina na wala pa akong oras para sa pag-ibig.
Napangiti ako matapos tignan ang lahat ng letratong nakuha ko. The pictures sung the beauty of love. It is the power that photographs have. They convey the truth of a moment, in a way that volumes of words cannot.
Tumingin ako sa harapan kung nasaan ang payapang dagat. I stood there watching the line where heaven touched the earth. Tuluyan na sa paglubog ang araw. The yellow ball of fire stretches far and wide, the hues of orange blended with reds, purples, crimsons. The birds flew home across the horizon. I even saw a star peeking from above!
"They look so happy," napalingon ako kay Loris na ngayon ay nakatayo na sa aking tabi. My eyes followed her gaze, until I saw Yna and Hugo.
Naghahabulan ang dalawa sa dalampasigan. I can hear their laughters from here. Two souls deeply in love, running around the beach at sunset. What could be more beautiful than this scene?
Until all of a sudden, I saw an image of me walking near the shore. It struck my mind out of nowhere. The images played like a tape, fast yet buffering. Tila may hinahabol ako sa mga oras na 'yon. I was laughing. I was happy. The smile on my face suddenly faded. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan. I held tightly onto my camera.
What did I just see?
"Ma'am Eloise?" nagising ang aking diwa nang marinig ang pagtawag ni Loris. When I looked at her, she smiled at me.
"Packed up na, ma'am," my eyes wandered around and she's right. Nakaayos na nga ang lahat ng gamit. Mukhang handa na rin sa pag-alis ang mga kasama namin. I looked at my wrist watch. It's already six o'clock in the evening.
"And pinapatanong po ng bride and groom if we wanted to join them for dinner tonight?" bumalik ang tingin ko kay Loris dahil doon.
"Yes, syempre diba, ma'am!" I almost jumped in my place when Gio suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Nginitian ako nito nang may matang nagpapa-awa.
Loris rolled her eyes, "Epal."
I smiled, "If we wouldn't bother them."
"Yes!" tuwang-tuwang saad ni Gio.
After we packed our things up and placed them inside the van, we headed straight inside the mansion. Sunud-sunod na napasinghap sa pagkamangha ang mga kasamahan ko nang tuluyan kaming makapasok sa loob. The place had architecture like no other. Tila nakawala ako sa isang mansyon noong panahon.
The grand staircase covered with red carpet is the first thing that you will see. All stair rails were ornate mahogany, carved and polished so that it shined. Nagmistulang ginto naman ang buong paligid dahil sa dilaw na ilaw na nagmumula sa eleganteng aranya. Whilst, the beautiful paintings hang in the wall in array.
Engrande rin ang kanilang hapag kainan. The long mahogany table almost took up the space of the dimmed room. There are two tall silver candelabras placed on the center of the table, holding smooth white candles. It felt like I am dining in with the Queen of England. Hindi ko naman expect na ganito pala 'yon. Medyo nahiya tuloy ako na makikain.
Fortunately, the tension broke when we started to eat. Nagsimula silang mag-kwentuhan tungkol sa iba't-ibang bagay. Gio as usual, targeted Loris, and annoyed the hell out of her. Napuno ng tawanan ang table. We even talked about how Yna and Hugo met, and how did their love story bloomed.
"Eloise, thank you so much for today." napailing ako kay Yna, saka ko siya nginitian.
"I should be the one to say thank you. It's such an honor to do this photoshoot with you guys," bawi ko rito, which is really true. She softly laughed.
"If possible I would've hired you too on our wedding day, but mother-in-law's order," kibit balikat na saad nito. Natawa ako. Unfortunately, iba ang photography team nila sa mismong araw ng kasal dahil sa hiling ng mother-in-law nito.
Yna and I talked more. Habang ang iba kong kasamahan ay bumalik sa likuran ng mansion— think they will light a bonfire by the beach—she walked me around the place. Talaga namang malaki ang mansion na ito. Everything in here is shining with gold and pure antique. Hindi nakapagtataka dahil matanda na rin itong bahay.
Yna told me more about her. Hindi ito lumaki sa probinsya. She lived in the city all her life. So why did she chose to get married here?
"It was my grandfather's request before he died," saad nito sa akin. We stopped in a room full of portraits. It is kinda similar to a museum, only that these paintings were portraits of the dela Cuesta clan, I suppose.
"He asked me to promise him that if I ever decided of getting married, it would be in this mansion..." she smiled. Hinaplos nito ang frame ng isa sa mga portrait, "And he even picked the date for my wedding, you know?" tumingin ito saakin.
"January 8," natigilan ako dahil sa narinig.
"I know, I was also shocked. January 8, the day when the moon will meet the sun after centuries long. Is it possible that my abuelo knew that it would be the time of the total solar eclipse? Or he just picked the date randomly?"
Wala akong maintindihan sa mga sinabi ni Yna. Tanging ang malakas na tibok lamang ng puso ko ang aking naririnig. A familiar rush of fear swept in me. January 8... I can only think of one thing that happened that day five years ago.
It was the time when I was found by the seashore, barely breathing.
"Eloise?" I jumped back in reality and looked at Yna who's wearing a worried face, "Are you alright?"
I heaved a silent deep breathe, "Yes, I'm good."
Matamis ako nitong nginitian, "You got me worried for a second. Come, I have something big to show you!" hinila nito ang aking kamay at dinala ako sa kung saang parte ng mansion.
We went upstairs. May dinaanan kaming hallway. We stopped in front of a door at the hallway's end. Tantya ko ay kwarto ang isang 'to. And I was right. Yna opened the door and we were greeted by a king-size four poster canopy bed. The whole room was carpeted. There are paintings of angels and saints on the ceiling, the same ceiling where an antique yet elegant chandelier is hanging. Everything about this room screams antiquity.
"Eloise, here!" nawala ang tingin ko sa paligid at nilapitan si Yna. She's standing near the window where a tripod stands and a—
"Kodak camera," my eyes went wide in awe. Mahinang natawa si Yna sa reaksyon ko.
"I know you'll love it!" anito, "You probably know that it's centuries older than us."
"Are you kidding me? It's the first ever Kodak camera in 1888!" I can't contain my joy anymore! Pinagmasdan ko ng mabuti ang camera. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I'm afraid I'll break it.
"I'm so jealous... how come you guys have this?" tanong ko. Ang mga mata ay nanatiling nakapako sa matandang camera. I feel like I am seeing history right in front of my eyes. I'm overwhelmed.
"It's a gift," Yna said, "Ang sabi saakin ni abuelo, it originally belong to his ancestor. The oldest brother of his great great great grandfather, Juan Mateo. Inigo Gabriel dela Cuesta..."
Natigilan ako dahil sa narinig. Unti-unting naglaho ang ngiti sa aking mukha. Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang sakit sa aking dibdib. Ano ang nangyayari sa akin?
"Abuelo said that it was supposed to be his gift to his lady love. This lady happens to love photography... but sadly, he never had the chance to give it to her. My abuelo Inigo decided to keep it with him. He said that the camera will serve as his memory of the lady he once deeply loved..."
Unti-unting nanlabo ang aking paningin. And the next thing I knew is that, I am crying. Mabilis akong dinaluhan ni Yna, ngunit hindi nito nabawasan ang sakit at lungkot na unti-unting dumudurog sa puso ko. I don't know what's with Yna's words, but it surely triggered my emotions.
Suddenly, I feel everything at once. All the pain and sadness and longing I tried so hard to bottle up all those years. Hindi ako makahinga sa sikip ng dibdib ko. It feels like I am drowning beneath the waves. It's painful.
"Eloise?" nawala ako mula sa malalim na pag-iisip nang makarinig ng pagkatok.
Mula sa kisame ng kwarto ay inilipat ko ang tingin kay mama. She waved her hand at me, before finally entering the room.
"Bakit hindi ka pa nakabihis?" maingat itong umupo sa paanan ng aking kama. Isang malalim na buntong-hininga ang kumawala sa labi ko nang marinig ang katanungan niya.
"Do I really need to come?" tila isa akong bata na ayaw kainin ang gulay na inihanda sa aking plato. Natawa si mama sa akin.
"You don't," sagot nito sa akin, "Question is... can you risk the reputation of your photography studio? You made a promise, anak."
I let out a frustrated groan, "Why did I promise?" tamad na tamad akong namaluktot sa aking kama, "Should I call Yna and tell her that something urgent came up?" mabilis akong napa-upo sa aking kama dahil sa naisip. Right, I can do that! I'm a busy woman and that would be an acceptable excuse.
"And ruin the rest of the day for the bride?" natigilan ako mula sa pag-abot ng cellphone sa tanong ni mama. Ginulo ko ang aking buhok. Another groan slipped out of my lips.
"Why don't you want to come?" napatingin ako kay mama dahil sa katanungan niya.
Why don't I want to come?
I cried on Yna. Yna who is my client! That is so unprofessional! Hindi ko na yata maatim pa na ipakita ang mukha sa kanya dahil sa sobrang kahihiyan! But of course I can't tell that to my mom. Itatanong lamang nito kung bakit ako umiyak. At tulad ng dati, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.
Hindi ko rin alam ang dahilan.
But it's not the only reason why I don't want to attend the wedding.
"Kinakabahan ako," pag-amin ko kay mama. I looked at her and she stared back at me. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal 'yon. Hanggang sa tawanan ako nito. My brows furrowed.
What's funny?
"Hindi naman ikaw ang bride, anak," muli itong tumawa. I rolled my eyes in the air and sighed.
It's not like that.
"Now get up and get dressed. Attend the wedding. It would be a shame not to. Apo pa naman ng dating governor iyon, Eloise," umiling ako at muling humiga sa kama. Napabuntong-hininga si mama.
"Eloise, if you really don't want to come, you wouldn't be here. Hindi ka uuwi ng probinsya kung kailan malapit na ang kasal. Hindi mo iiwan ang trabaho mo sa Manila. I know you also want to come. Stop sulking and get up!" napangiwi ako sa sakit nang paluin nito ang aking mga binti.
I scowled.
"Okay, I'll come!" I sighed, "Hindi niyo naman ako kailangan palui—" pinanlakihan ako nito ng mata. Itinikom ko ang bibig at hindi na nagsalita.
"I'll be back. Kakausapin ko lang ang papa mo. I'd tell him that he will be driving you to the venue," wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumayo sa kama ko. I guess I have no choice.
Isang buwan na rin ang lumipas simula noong umuwi ako dito para sa photoshoot nila Yna at Hugo. And it's also been a month since I cried on Yna's shoulder. Napapikit ako nang maalala ang nangyari. I don't know why I did that. But one thing that I am sure of is the pain that I felt that night.
Yna's words haunted me. Hindi ko magawang limutin ang mga sinabi niya kahit na abala ako sa trabaho. They always find a way into my brain. Paulit-ulit silang tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Walang hinto sa loob ng isang buwan.
I would wake up in the middle of the night crying for something I don't understand. Ano nga ba ang meron sa mga salita ni Yna? What's with something she said for it to affect me like this?
And now, for another reason that I don't understand, I feel nervous. Hindi ito 'yung klase ng kaba tuwing may mangyayaring masama. Sa halip, kinakabahan ako nang may halong pagka-sabik. Hindi ko alam kung epekto lang ba ito ng mangyayaring eclipse ngayong araw.
"Tawagan mo ako kung tapos na ang kasal. I'll pick you up," inalis ko ang seatbelt at tinanguan si papa.
He smiled at me, "Isang araw ikaw naman ang maglalakad sa altar, at naroon ako sa tabi mo upang ihatid ka sa piling ng lalaking makakasama mo habang buhay. I can't imagine of the day where you will no longer carry my name..."
Natulala ako sa sinabi ni papa.
I never really thought of it, but now that he mentioned it, I know I won't stop thinking about it. Lalaking makakasama ko habang buhay... Napaka-bigat na titulo. May lalaki kaya na handang ibigay ang buong buhay niya para sa isang babae? Does that kind of love still exist in this generation?
Maybe. Yna found it with Hugo.
He laughed, "Hindi kita minamadali, anak. You can enjoy your life. You're still young. You have all your life to find that one man whom you want to spend the rest of your days with."
Napangiti ako, "I know, pa."
Ginulo nito ang aking buhok, "Ingat ka, hija."
When I stepped out of the car, a strange emotion swept in me. My heart hurt at the sight of the familiar wooden gate. It hurt in a good way. I heaved a deep breathe and brushed away the feeling. Don't entertain any of those strange emotions anymore, El.
Pumasok na ako sa loob. It was a simple garden wedding. I didn't expect it to be simple, considering the wealth of the couple, but I remember what my mother once said: love should be the centre stage of the wedding, not wealth.
I sat at my designated seat. Inilibot ko ang mata sa buong paligid. At the end of each seated aisle, jasmine scented candles hung from naked tree branches. Scattered down the aisle were white and red roses, as far as the eyes could see.
The small conversations faded once the bride arrived. What happened next seemed like a scene from a fairy tale. Tumugtog ang isang romantikong awitin at tumayo ang lahat upang salubungin ang bride sa kanyang paglalakad.
Hindi ko maiwasan ang mapangiti nang makita si Yna. She looked so beautiful in her white gown! Even with the veil on, I could see the tears threatening to leave her lovely eyes. She smiled when her father offered his arms. Ipinulupot rito ni Yna ang kanyang kamay, and she started to walk down the aisle. To the arms of her love, Hugo.
It was in the middle of the wedding when the sky turned darker than ever. It was sudden. Everyone fell silent as the vast blue sky shifted into grey. Tila huminto sa pagtibok ang puso ko nang matanto kung ano ang nangyayari.
It's the eclipse.
The wedding scene seemed like an old fashioned photograph, everything is in a shade of grey. The moon is slowly taking over the sun. Hindi ko namalayan na kusa na palang gumagalaw ang aking mga paa. Ang tibok ng puso ko ay walang kasing-bilis. Sakit na may nakakubling saya ang aking nararamdaman sa bawat pintig nito.
Pabilis ng pabilis ang aking mga hakbang. Ramdam ko ang iilang mata na dumapo sa akin ngunit hindi ko ito alintana. I ran somewhere else. Wherever my heart desired to take me. Malalim ang aking bawat paghinga nang huminto ako sa kung saan.
Napatitig ako sa aking mga paa. The crystal white sand kissed my feet. Inangat ko ang aking paningin, first it was a blinding light I see. Slowly it faded and a familiar figure appeared right before my eyes.
It was a figure of a man.
Payapa itong nakatayo sa tabi ng dalampasigan. Tila pinakikiramdaman ang bawat haplos ng hangin sa kanyang mukha, habang nakaharap sa dagat at pinapanuod ang pagsisiping ng araw at ng buwan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isipan ko, ngunit natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili na naglalakad palapit rito.
Sino ka?
Unti-unti akong lumapit. Sa bawat hakbang ko papalapit rito ay lumalakas ang pintig ng puso ko. I don't know why he feels so familiar to me. Tila naaalala ko kung sino siya. There is a part in me that echoes of him. Something tells me that I know I have known him long before.
Huminto ako sa likuran nito. Nanginginig ang mga kamay sa pagsubok na tawagin ito. I can feel every limb in my body aching to reach him.
An inch.
My hand is only an inch away from him when I felt him moving. I took my hand back as he slowly turned around. Nagwawala ang puso ko sa pinaghalong kaba at pananabik.
Who is he?
I need to know.
At nang tuluyan ko nang nasilayan ang kanyang mukha ay tila tumigil sa paggalaw ang buong paligid kasabay nang paghinto ng tibok ng puso ko.
Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay dumaloy ang luha pababa sa aking mga pisngi. Sunud-sunod at walang tigil. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo... at ilan pang segundo.
Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakikita. I am struggling to comprehend that he isn't one of the dreams I keep on having at night, that he is real.
"Eloise..." kakaibang init ang humaplos sa aking puso nang marinig ang pangalan ko mula sa kanyang labi kasabay ng isang matamis na ngiti.
And just in seconds, everything... everything came back to me in flashes.
———
Hi, it's been a while!
I am writing this note to remind you all of two things. First, do not be confused on the sequence of events. Everything will make sense in the end. I promise.
Second, I know you all missed Inigo and Eloise and everyone here in San Carlos, just as much as I did. I apologize for taking this long to finally give you all an update. With that being said, I am taking this time to send my gratitude to those who stayed and are still patiently waiting to see how Eloise's quest for the truth will end. Thank you!
Love, A