I wake up and all I can hear is rain. It's pouring with rain outside. It is absolutely bucketing down. I sure as hell didn't miss this weather. Brad's arms are so tightly wrapped around me I can't move. He's awake. He's the reason I'm awake. He's kissing my neck. Ugh the guilt is fucking me over.
"How long have you been awake for? What time is it?" I mumbled and try and escape his grip. He doesn't let go and I can definitely feel a boner against my leg.
"Mmmm maybe about two hours? Not sure. It's about 3 in the afternoon though." He whispered against my neck. "You wanna...?" He trailed off. I knew what he meant. What he wanted to do. I wanted to too. But was it right? Probably not. I felt so bad but I love him, god I love him. And I want him right now, so I'll have him right now...
I let him roll on top of me and tried to enjoy what I want.
The shower water hisses and I'm lost. How long have I been in here for? I need to call Rae, she'll know what to do. I get out and wrap a towel around me, heading back into my bedroom. It's empty to my surprise. I get dressed quickly and head into the kitchen where I find a note from Brad.
It reads:
"Headed out to grab some stuff from the supermarket and get some other stuff, Rae's coming over".
I breathe a sigh of relief at the last part. I know she'll be over soon so I begin to prepare what I'm gonna tell her. What am I gonna tell her? There were no excuses.
I let her in and she sat down on the couch.
"What did you do?" She asked skeptically. She knows, she fucking knows.
"How do you know? How can you tell? Is it that obvious?" I begin to panic.
"To me it's obvious, which one was it?"
"Luke" I feel so ashamed. What the hell. I have fucked up so phenomenally.
"Were you safe?"
"Yes but I'm worried, what if I'm pregnant? He put the idea into my head. Now I'm worried. It was a stupid mistake. I don't even know what happened." I'm in tears now. I can hardly breathe.
"Oh honey. You know there's only one way to be sure right now." Rae is always so kind, I don't deserve her.
"I know but I can't leave. Brad'll be home any second. And what do I do if I am? If this is Luke's holy shit, Brad can never know."
"Look you don't know that you're pregnant and we'll deal with Brad later. I'm gonna go right now and get you a test. I'll be back in a second" She grabs her keys and runs out the door before I can say anything to her. I lay down on the couch and my mind is cloudy. The tears won't stop running down my cheeks and I hear the front door open. I pray to god it's Rae.
"Babyyyyy." He kneels down by the couch and wipes away my tears like the gentleman he is.
"I'm fine honey." I smile up at him and grab his hand.
"What's going on?"
"I'm just feeling overwhelmed, just really tired that's all." I try and reassure him and I think it works.
"Aw baby, do you wanna go back to mine?" He is so sweet to me. And I wanna say yes, I wanna lay in a messy room whilst we listen to Arctic Monkeys and lay in a bed that smells like him. I want it to all go away. I'm such a shitty human being. He loves me and I love him but I am so stupid.
"No she needa stay here I have something for her, scootch out the way this is girls stuff" Rae swoops in and grabs me off the couch, the plastic bag in her hand. She drags me into my bedroom before I can even say anything and into the bathroom. She locks the door behind us and pulls out the tests. She bought a few but I know I'll only need one. I rip open the box and squat on the toilet.
"Turn around this is weird" I giggle through the stress and tears.
"Aha sorry." She giggles and turns to the wall. I stand up and place it on the top of the toilet and wash my hands whilst we wait.
"Ok how long should I wait??" I sigh harder than ever. I hear Brad try the lock on the door again. Fucks sake.
"What are you doin in there??" He yells, the concern seeping through the door.
"Ahhh, nothing" I yell back and hear him walk away.
"Ok, five minutes and it should give you a result." Rae says confidently. Thank god I have her, what would I do without her? She holds onto me whilst we wait for what feels like an eternity.
Finally I pluck up the courage and grab the stick. One line. Thank fuck. I scream. I actually scream. I throw my arms around Rae.
"Oh Chloe honey I'm so happy for you. But you need to a) be quiet and b) tell him, you can't keep this a secret, it's important. I know you're worried you'll break him but it's only gonna hurt more if you keep it from him, you and I both know that." She held my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. I pull away. I know what I have to do but not now. I wrap the test in a million sheets of toilet paper and put it in the bin before unlocking the door. Brad's standing on the outside waiting.
"You ok? Why were you screaming?" He grabs my hand.
"Yeah, just an ingrown hair that had to be dealt with" Rae says, stepping out "Hey I'm gonna head off, I'll see you guys later, come back to the boy's house we wanna have dinner all together tonight" She quickly rushes past me and runs out of the apartment before either of us can say anything.
Brad pulls me into a hug where I break down. I can't bear the weight of this. It's so much, but I don't want to break him, I want to love him. I let him hold me for what feels like ages. My legs have gone numb, he's holding the entirety of my weight.
"I love you ok?" He whispers in my ear as he strokes my hair.
"I know, and I love you too, you know this. I want to go to yours." This palace feels too empty, too big for us. He's such a comfortable soul, I want to be in his apartment, with the boys. I just want things to go back to how they were. I want to return to work and have my boyfriend continue his life as my boyfriend.
"Ok, no problem, I'll just use the bathroom then we'll go, grab some stuff of yours to take." He smiles at me and slips into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I grab a few things from my suitcase and a pair of underwear and a change of clothes. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, guilt is eating away at me. The longer he takes in that bathroom the longer I panic. I can't be alone. I can't do it. I have to have him with me.
"Come on Brad" I yell and hear some shuffling around in the bathroom. Eventually he comes out and I slip my hand into his as we make our way down to his car.
The trip to his is relatively silent, he seems content with his hand on my thigh and my hand on top of his hand. He looks calm, I wouldn't say happy, but he looks calm. The sun shines beautifully behind him and his curls fly in the wind. My god he's stunning. What did I do to deserve him?
I walk into his apartment and it's eerily quiet.
"Where are they all?" I look around the entirety of the apartment but no one else is home but us.
"I dunno, they'll be back later though." He replies in an extremely soft voice. Something's up. He knows. He must, but why is he so content still. He doesn't seem upset.
"Is everything ok Brad?"
"Not really, tell me what you were doing in the bathroom."
"Brad, really honey it's nothing." I lie. I look the man who I love in the eyes and lie.
"It's clearly not nothing, you've been back for twenty four hours and you've been nothing but unhappy. Let me in, tell me what's happened?" He walks closer and places his arms around me.
"I can't, I really can't. If I do.." I trail off because the tears start and I have a feeling they wont stop any time soon.
"What's the worst that happens if you tell me what's going on?" He says, I can feel his heart beating roughly against my face. The rhythm isn't it's usual smooth, calm rhythm, it's uneasy, unsteady. It matches mine.
"Brad, if I tell you, it'll break your heart." I continue sobbing into his tee shirt. I feel the setting sun against my back as he pulls away. I look up at him and he pushes his hair out of his eyes with his left hand as his right pulls to his back pocket.
He pulls it out. The wad of toilet paper.
"Oh my god Bradley!" I step back, I'm shocked, why would he do this? He's gone through my rubbish bin. I can't believe this, I can't believe that he's gone and done this. It's one thing to ask me and another to go through my things.
"Hey! Don't get angry at me. You're the one keeping secrets. I have a right to know. Is this for us? Are you pregnant?" He runs his hands through his hair again, his eyes darting around my face for an idea.
"Brad, no.. I just."
"You know we're too young for this right? Why didn't you tell me? This isn't gonna break my heart. " He takes another step forward and I take another back until the back of my legs hit the couch. I'm trapped.
"It's not for us."
"Rae's pregnant?"
"No Brad, no one's pregnant."
"Yeah well we haven't exactly been having unsafe sex unless you've got something to tell me." His eyes narrow, I've never seen his expression so hard, so angry, ever.
"I just, it was a mistake. I have regretted it since. I didn't mean to." I start crying again, I can't stop.
"WHO? WITH WHO? I'LL KILL THEM" He's so angry, what am I gonna do?
"Luke." I fall back onto the couch, defeated by my own stupidity.
"No. No I knew this would happen. I fuckin knew I couldn't trust those arseholes. Which one is that? Who the fuck did this to you?" He shook the pregnancy test.
"NO Brad, I'm not... I'm not pregnant" I sob, I have to put my head in my hands. I can't even look at him.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" He's so mad.
"Brad, this isn't only his fault, it takes two... I ... I was as responsible as he i-"
"NO HE DID THIS TO YOU. YOU WOULD NEVER, HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU" He cuts me off.
"No Brad, it's just... no I think you should know I didn't say no to him."
"BUT DID YOU SAY YES?" He screams.
"uhh.. No? I guess I didn't"
"EXACTLY, HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. HE'S A DEAD MAN"
"No Brad, this was both of us. I'm sorry, I have felt nothing but guilt since. I feel dirty." I've confessed. That's it. I've done it. I have done it.
"WHAT THE FUCK NO NO NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" He's begun pacing, oh my god. He rarely paces.
I can't be here anymore. I slowly stand and move towards his bedroom. He catches me before I can walk past the coffee table. He holds my waist with a grip so strong I thought I might break.
"Tell me you're lying to me." He whispers threateningly. I've never felt so scared of myself. "Tell me this isn't real.", the pain is clear in his voice.
"I'm sorry Bradley, I didn't mean it. I didn't enjoy it, I don't want anyone but you. I'm... I'm sorry Brad."
"Don't. Just don't" He lets go of my waist and I almost fall. He slumps down onto the couch, elbows on knees and head in his hands. The tears don't stop. They continue in a steady stream. I walk to his bedroom and shut the door. I strip off and climb into his unkempt bed. I pulled the doona up above my head and closed my eyes. I have no hope of sleeping. I can hear him doing things out there. I don't know what he's doing. Minutes pass, possibly hours. The sun sets through the sheer curtains of his room and I stare out the window meaninglessly.
What have I done?
The door opens and someone walks in, I don't look up though, I have no desire to look up. I don't want to face the man who's heart I broke. I can hear some rustling and something hits the floor. Sounds like clothes. The bed dips besides me and I roll over to face him. I don't think he's been crying but I can't really tell. He pushes his head into my neck and throws his legs over me. I almost feel myself relax a little. But then I feel it, the warm tears are coming down my neck but for once they don't belong to me. I'm almost relieved. He's letting loose to the person who hurt him. Should I say something? I think it'll make it worse. But I have to.
"Bradley?"
"Hmmm?"
"It didn't mean anything. It happened and I didn't feel anything from it. I need you to know how much this has me cut up inside" The more I explain the harder he sobs into me.
"Why did it happen?"
"I wasn't in the right mind, I was missing you, I had passed out that day, I wasn't right. I fucked up." These excuses aren't good enough. No one deserves this.
I need him to know how sorry I am but right now, holding him and staying with him is all I have.
"Are you pregnant?"
"No."
"Did he wear protection?"
"No." I flinch at his forwardness.
"I swear to god if you are bringing disease into this house, into our home, the home we have built, I swear to god then that's the end. The end of us." His harsh words cut straight through me. I didn't realise that. I'd put him in a position. He doesn't deserve this. That's not fair on him. I didn't even think to ask. Now I have to get back in contact with someone I wanted to leave behind for the rest of my life.
"I didn't ask but I'll get back into contact with him" I'm so ashamed.
"No!" He almost yells sternly at me, "I'll get into contact with this bitch, I want you to have nothing to do with him ever again. Never."
"Okay..."
"And I'm going to get tested. It's your choice if you want to or not, but if anything comes up positive you won't hear from me again." He's talking like he doesn't care, but the way his arms are wrapped tightly around me says something else.
"I understand, Brad." I resign myself to his harshness. I deserve it after all.
We lay like this for an amount of time. Who knows how long. Until we hear the front door open. Then Tris is knocking on the door lightly with James standing behind him.
"Hiya! Mind if we come in? Are you two decent?" Tris giggles as he pushes the door open.
"Eh decent as we can be" Brad replies. He sounds nonchalant as the boys make their way in and give me an awkward hug. I'm thankful for the sheets being between me and the hug.
"How was America?" James asks sweetly as he sits down on the edge of the bed.
"Ahh, it was dull I guess.", I lie and force a small smile onto my lips. Brad snorts as I say this and what once existed of that small smile I had was destroyed. Tris raises his eyebrows questioningly at Brad but Brad just shakes his head. Great.
"Well, we missed you heaps and we are so glad you're back" Tris grins his classic smile at me.
"I've missed you guys like you wouldn't believe." I say it and I mean it. I squeeze Brad tightly when I say it but he doesn't respond.
"Aw that's adorable. Well we're all gonna order take away once Rae and Connor come back from wherever the fuck they are ay." James says, getting up. I think he can sense that something's up. It doesn't take a genius to catch on that Brad hasn't lifted his head from my neck.
"Righto, well call us when you're ready to order." I wave them out of the room and try to roll over and turn into Brad but his grip is tight. He doesn't let me move. He begins to kiss my neck.
"Brad..." The sadness in my voice takes me over.
"Did he kiss you like this?" He continues to kiss my neck, "Could he make you moan like I can?" He sounds almost cocky.
"Uh... I... Brad... uh." I can't answer him, he knows I can't.
"It's a yes or no question Clarise.", My heart melts when he uses my full name. I am liquid under his touch. I am his.
"No." I finally say.
"Did he love you like I do?"
"No."
"That's right. He couldn't. No one ever could. Remember that when you think about cheating on me again." He grazes his teeth against my neck then abruptly gets up and leaves, grabbing his pants as he walks out the door.
I'm left breathless. I honestly don't know how he's taking this. He still loves me and that's what makes me so happy. This can't be real. What the fuck?
We sit at the table, having just finished a lovely dinner. I actually temporarily forget about what has happened until I try and put my hand in Brad's and he swiftly pulls away. Ouch. Why does that upset me so much? He's being put through so much worse yet here I am feeling upset over a tiny thing like that. Suck it the fuck up chloe.
"Bet you missed each other." Rae smiles sweetly and I subtly shake my head in her direction, letting her know to let it go.
"Like you wouldn't believe." Brad says in a complete monotone. WOW. I just nod in agreement. I have no energy for this. I know I've fucked up. I understand that but right now I feel too fragile to be contesting with him on this. From that point in, cleaning up was silent and awkward. As soon as it was done I went straight to Brad's room and shut the door behind me. I walked into the bathroom and jumped in the shower quickly. I don't bother locking the door as I doubt Brad even wants to look at me right now. I close my eyes and the water burns my skin. I'm feeling the weight of my decisions now more than ever. I can't go back but I can show him I'm serious. I'll never speak to any one of those boys again. Not on social media, not ever. It's not going to happen, if that's what Brad wants then that's what he gets.
In my deep thoughts I don't hear the door open and Brad comes in. He leaves his clothes on the floor and joins me in the shower.
"I'm done, you can have it if you want." I whisper, my voice feels stolen.
"I would've waited if I'd wanted it to myself." He replies dully, wrapping his arms around my naked body. I feel him sigh and I can't help but cry.
"Hey, hey, hey. Don't cry." He says as he pulls me into a tight hug.
"You're so wonderful to me. I didn't do anything to deserve this and you know I haven't. I've gone and broken your heart and this is how you treat me."
"I love you. You have hurt me so much but that doesn't mean I don't still love you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop, you cut me up inside, I'm not gonna say you didn't but I just love you so much."
"Brad, you have no idea how much I want to go back to that day and not do what I did."
"Yeah, I know." He pulled away and looked off into the distance. I could tell how heartbroken he was.
"I could throw up." I whispered. I wasn't even sure he heard me over the shower water I said it so quietly.
"Yeah... me too to be honest."
"I'll go." And before he can stop me I've opened the shower door and stepped out. I quickly grab my towel and head into his bedroom. Man I have fucked up.
I get changed and shoot Rae a text, despite knowing she's in the other room. I can't speak to anyone about this out loud. It wouldn't just break Brad but everyone else if they knew what a dog I was.
"You texted?" She peeked into the bedroom.
"Yeah shh though, he's in the shower. He knows. I had to tell him."
"Holy shit. How'd he take it?"
"He's mad, with me, with Luke. Everyone. But he hasn't flipped out yet. I'm just waiting for him to, he always flips." I can't even look her in the eye when I say this.
"Have you been speaking to him? Or is it like awkward between you two?"
"A bit of both. He wants to go and get tested. And follow up with Luke." I swallow hard and hear him turn off the water.
"Ok, well I'll chat to you later? Try and get some sleep, I'm staying over as well so we can talk in the morning. Love you." And with that she kissed me on the head.
I crawled under the covers and faced away from the bathroom door. He came out and got dressed before joining me. He stayed in bed all of thirty seconds before he sat on the side of the bed, hunched over with his head in his hands.
"Bradley?"
"Yeah?" He answered half-heartedly.
"You once said to me 'once a cheater always a cheater'."
"Yeah I did say that. Chloe you've been cheated on. You know what it feels like."
"I would never do it again. I couldn't. I love you so much."
"YEAH WELL YOU KEEP SAYING THAT BUT WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FUCKIN MEAN IT?" He screamed, standing up and turning to face me. I had finally sat up and leant against the wall. Here it was.
"Brad, the boys are just out there." I'm on the brink of tears.
"I'M AWARE OF WHERE THEY ARE. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? I KNOW YOU. YOU WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS." He let out a deep sigh and began to cry.
"Brad, honey I..."
"Don't. Just don't . Not tonight. Please just, don't."
"I'll go..." I got up and grabbed my phone to call someone to come get me, even just an Uber.
"No. Stay" He turned around to face me as I stood, empty in the door way. I'm sure all of the boys and Rae have heard all of this.