Follow up to Close Your Eyes (Bucky) and Close Your Eyes (Steve) in this book
"I only have a hazy memory of her," Bucky murmured to himself, standing next to Steve at the tiny and worn headstone that marked your final resting place. "They took so much from me, and she got pulled away with it." The cemetery was in an older and run-down edge of Brooklyn, marked off by an old and broken fence, the ground covered in the dry and muted leaves of fall, just before the first snowfall of the year.
"It's not your fault, Buck. You tried to fight them, I know you did."
"Yeah, but I should have fought harder, ya know? I should have fought to get back to her. I should be next to her right now, after living the life we wanted...whatever that was. I shouldn't be standing here, alive, carrying a name that she never got to share."
Steve didn't reply this time, now lost in his own swirl of mixed and hazy memories of those days; years with you and Bucky, when life was simpler and they had wistful plans that definitely didn't include running off to fight Hydra while you sat behind waiting for two men who would never return. "We were so unfair to her," he finally whispered, leaning down to set the flowers he had brought next to your name, "she told us not to go."
"I remember that. If I concentrate, I think I can hear her," Bucky nodded, closing his eyes and lifting them towards the clear sky and slight breeze. "Fuck, I was an idiot."
"Still are."
"Thanks, man."
"She knew that we loved her, and that we made a decision despite that. She knew we were idiots, and she still stayed," Steve began. "After I told her...when I told her that you had fallen from the train, it was as hard as being there to see it happen. It tore her apart even though she tried to keep a strong front for me. Can you imagine? Here I was, looking like this," he paused, waving his hand up and down over himself, "and she stayed strong for me? She deserved so much better from me that day."
Bucky shifted uncomfortably, pushing his hands deep into his pockets and rocking back and forth on his heels. He stared straight ahead, his mind flooding with a few broken pictures of you and a few phrases spoken though not complete, but one stood out amongst the chaos; it was the voice of the man next to him with a sting of betrayal as it replayed in his mind.
"Did you tell her that you loved her? Once I was out of the way?"
"What?" Steve gasped, turning finally to look at him. "No, of course not. I would never...I couldn't..."
"Did she know?"
"No, I don't think so." Steve looked away again and back to your name, struggling to remember the words that he had hastily written to you before his final flight, wondering if Colonel Phillips had ever delivered it to you as he had promised. "It was in my letter...but if she got it, I don't know if she even read it," he sighed. "When I left she told me that if I died and apologized in a letter that she wouldn't read it."
"She read it," Bucky nodded. "There's no way that she wouldn't let you get the last word. She knew you better than that."
"And thanks for that," Steve scoffed.
The two men stood in silence for an eternity again before Bucky finally had a revelation; a full memory of you that brought a wide smile to his face and a genuine laughter rumbling from his chest. A few tears of relief rolled gently down his cheeks, and when Steve looked at him, the laughter only grew.
"Do you remember how we met her?"
"No..." Steve mumbled, looking aimlessly as he searched his memory, "not off the top...of my...oh...oh, my god," he finally laughed when he found it. "How in the hell did I forget that?"
"I don't know, man, it was totally your fault."
"Was not! That was totally on you!"
~~~
Bucky had never seen such a deep shade of green before as what was filling his friend's face now; he felt bad, he really did, but the laughter wouldn't stop. Even when Steve stumbled away from the coaster, weak and uncoordinated as he searched for the nearest garbage before it was too late.
"Steve, come on, you gotta breathe through it."
"Screw off, Buck."
"It wasn't even that bad! You're such a pussy, Rogers," Bucky snickered, casually waving him off, though he kept a concerned eye on him when Steve wasn't looking back. "Look," he pointed a few feet to the left, "go stick your head in that can over there. Get it out of your system so we can go talk to that pretty lady at the cotton candy booth again."
"Give up, man, she wasn't interested," Steve groaned, hurrying to the garbage. "Oh, this isn't gonna end well..." His feet tripped over themselves and he stumbled forward until his hands finally caught the edge of the can, but when he leaned in, his balance shifted with his equilibrium and he overshot. When you let out a small scream right after, he closed his eyes in horror and prayed that this was just a nightmare that he would wake up from.
"Oh, shit," Bucky howled, "oh, ma'am, he's really sorry. The roller coaster didn't sit so well with the poor kid."
"You made me go," Steve whined as he regained his composure, taking a quick wipe of his sleeve over his mouth, "this is on you." He straightened and finally looked at you, but his eyes were immediately drawn to the mess he had made all over your new dress and barely worn shoes.
"Actually, it's on me," you smiled, though it took a concerted effort not to gag as a reflex. "Are you okay, honey? You look like warmed up death, and I'm trying to be nice."
"He always look like that," Bucky chuckled from behind Steve, but his laughter was only to cover his unabashed staring as he watched you with his friend. He was never a man for subtlety, and this was by far some of his most obvious work. "I'm Bucky, by the way."
You ignored the mess on your clothes as well as the attention from Bucky and took Steve's trembling arm, leading him to a nearby bench to make the poor little man sit before he fell over. "Put your head down, sweetie," you told him softly, gently rubbing your hand over his back, "it should pass soon. If you know that you don't do well on rides then why on earth did you go on that one? You couldn't pay me enough to get on that rickety old thing."
"He made me," Steve replied sadly, pointing weakly at Bucky, who's face was now nearly as pale as his own. "He's the jerk."
Bucky actually took a small step back when you looked up at him with a hint of fire in your eyes, though you were still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen; in a strange way that confused him just a bit, the fire actually made you even more irresistible to him. "Well...you see, he said that he would throw up...which you clearly noticed..." he coughed quietly, "...and I didn't believe him..."
"Are you always such a terrible friend?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Have you apologized yet?"
"No, ma'am."
You sat silently and stared at him, waiting for him to take the cue, with Steve now smiling widely and looking on, feeling like he had just found an amazing partner in finally getting the upper hand on Bucky Barnes. Steve felt like he had just won the jackpot and it was the greatest day of his life.
"We're both waiting, aren't we..." you paused, realizing that he hadn't introduced himself yet amongst all of the unsightly retching.
"Steve."
"Aren't we, Steve?"
"Indeed we are..."
"(Y/N)," you smiled, reaching out to shake his still weak hand before turning back to his dumbfounded companion. "So...Bucky, was it? We're waiting."
"Sorry, Stevie," he mumbled in an uncharacteristically meek voice, turning away with a shyness that Steve couldn't believe that he was seeing. His eyes darted back and forth from you to Bucky and back again, his mouth hanging open in complete shock; you were like a real-life superhero before his eyes, and he was as completely smitten as his best friend. It would create an unspoken rift that would last between them for years beyond any that they should have lived.
~~~
"It's no wonder that she went for you and not me," Steve sighed out of a dwindling laughter as the memory faded, "you didn't literally spill your guts all over her."
"She almost didn't. Poor girl felt sorry for you, and when she found out that I forced you onto that coaster she wanted nothing to do with me, remember? Didn't you actually get the first date?"
Steve nodded silently and knelt down, finally taking the initiative to run his fingers gently over the indentation of your name in the stone marker. He brushed away a few small rocks and dust from each letter with his fingers until they were all clean, and when his large hands couldn't do well enough, he leaned in to blow away any left over debris. "I should've played the sympathy card a little longer. Maybe things would have been different."
"You really believe that?" Bucky challenged, turning towards his friend, looking down at him with a new stern expression. "You know better, Rogers. We still would have run off to fight a war that we should've known better than to join. We were so young and so damn stupid. Look at how much we've missed out on because of it. Even worse, we're still standing here, living our lives, and for what? Fighting the good fight didn't turn out so great for us the first time around, so why are we putting ourselves through it again? What would she say?"
"She'd be pissed, for sure," Steve replied readily, "but she would still understand."
Bucky stood silently again, pushing away his instinct and feelings, dropping his own bouquet hastily onto the ground next to those that Steve had placed before turning to leave without explanation. Steve jumped up and followed, grabbing his arm before he could get more than a few steps away, spinning him around against the fight from his friend when he wrenched his arm from his grip.
"What the hell? What was that for?"
"How can you say that she'd understand when I don't even understand? And don't you dare lie to me, Rogers, you don't either," Bucky spat out angrily. "If I had known that this was the life we would end up with, I would never have put on that uniform. I don't care about the fight anymore. I just want a normal life, just for a minute...just one goddamn minute."
"I know," Steve sighed, dropping his stance slightly, "but we're here, Buck. She's not, and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm sorry. I didn't want this either."
Bucky could only shake his head and look away, not wanting Steve to see the emotions building up in his eyes, angrily rubbing the rim of moisture from his eyes onto his sleeve. When he walked away this time, Steve didn't follow; he didn't have any answers that Bucky would want to hear anyway. He didn't even have the answers for himself. He stood and watched until his friend was out of sight before turning back to you to arrange your flowers carefully so that the autumn winds wouldn't disrupt them, allowing himself one last look at your name before finally letting you go.