"photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. what you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything." -Aaron Siskind
Dinah pov
she left me, crying. she told me that she had felt nothing as we fucked. I may have been the one to say "fuck me" first but she obliged. she wanted to do this so this wasn't just my fault . we were both at fault for this. I decided to fix myself before leaving to go find the girls . just as I found them, I heard zendaya say the one thing that I didn't ever want to hear.
"Normani Kordei Hamilton, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? I've been planning this for awhile now and I realized that on my 23rd birthday, I wanted it to be special. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how happy it'd make me if you say yes."
I pushed through the crowd to find zendaya on a bended knee along with a ring in the box in her hand. normani had her hands covering her mouth. I'm pretty sure I saw tears flow down her cheeks. unbeknownst to me, I was holding my breath. I could feel myself get lightheaded as I awaited for the answer normani was going to give. my heart started racing and zendaya was still smiling.
"yes."
I instantly felt tears come down and I rushed out of the house. I could hear Lauren and Camila calling my name but I ignored it. I ran out of there and I didn't care that I was in heels. tears coming down faster and I can't see anything. I stopped upon feeling my heels sinking. I wiped away my tears and realized I was at the beach . the very beach where I met her. this place has so much memories and I never brought Kehlani here. i wanted it to be the only place I go with normani and with my girls. anyone else didn't touch foot here with me. this beach changed my life that day and I don't want to ever forget it. a beautiful melanin woman fought for me. she captured a photo of me here.
"what are you doing here?" a voice asked.
I stopped breathing and cursed at myself. why was she here? shouldn't she be with her fiancée? she didn't need to be here.
"why do you care?" I asked, harshly as I bit down on my lip.
"I care about you. I know that I hurt you but that didn't mean anything . it was a mistake and we were both out of it."
"mani, it hurts when you said that it meant nothing. you were my first! I can't take it back! I regret asking you to fuck me when I knew you have a girlfriend turned fiancée."
"your first?" she asked, shocked.
"YES ! my first!"
"you're lying. you did it with Kehlani."
"I didn't. the farthest we've ever gone was taking a bath together. I wanted to save my virginity for someone special ."
"no, this can't be. please tell me this isn't true." she pleaded, as tears starting to fill her waterline.
"you were my first normani. I can't change that and now you're getting married. I hope you're happy with it. I hope the guilt sticks with you. knowing you fucked me while you were still with zendaya. the guilt will eat me up but I won't be here anymore. I'm going somewhere that I won't be reminded of you every time I go out. I'm not about to watch the woman I love marry someone else. I'm not going through that heartbreak. you were worth it to me but I didn't realize it until I stopped being insecure. you made me feel better by telling me things like I was beautiful and all that. have a nice life mani. I hope she's everything you want in life because I know I wasn't."
I walked away and heard her call out my name but I didn't turn around. the waves crashing onto the sand blocking out everything. tears filling my eyes as I walked away. this broke my heart worse than her breaking mine. knowing that I'm going to wake up and not see her beside me. I don't have a chance with her anymore. as soon as I get home, I'm calling my old friends and telling them that I'll be coming back. I arrived at zendaya's house and saw Lauren and Camila pacing by the car. when they saw me, they instantly cried and flung their arms around me.
"I'm leaving."
they quickly let go of me and gave me a confused look.
"I'm going back home."
"who will you stay with?"
"I'm calling Natalie and Tinashe as soon as I get home. if they're cool with me staying with them then I'm leaving. I'm not about to stay here and watch the love of my life get married to someone else."
"what about tickets?"
"I have my money saved up from when I was working. I'm giving my job a resignation letter before I leave. it's short notice but I can't wait. the longer I stay, the more hurt I go through. I need to get out of here. I'm tired of crying and going through so much hurt."
"stay in touch." Lauren said, dejectedly.
I sigh and pull her into a hug. I kiss her head as I wrapped my arms around her. I felt her hot tears get on my shirt and my heart broke even more. I hated making them cry.
"I'll come back and visit every chance I get okay? I am so grateful that you guys took me in after learning about my problems. you didn't have to stay but you did and I'm glad that I had you guys. I wouldn't have been able to handle much more if it kept happening."
"if they get near you, you call us and we'll fly over there."
"I don't think they would want me to get anywhere near them."
I could hear someone walking and I looked back to find normani looking down. I wanted to hug her and comfort her but I caused her hurt.
"what's wrong with her?" Camila asked, softly.
"nothing. can we go? I gotta get packing and I'll be calling them in the car. I have to know if it'll be okay if I stay with them."
I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I found tinashe's number . I got in the back and heard the rings. by the third ring, she answered.
"hello?"
"it's Dinah, is it okay if I stay with you? I'm coming back home."
"NATALIE! DINAH'S COMING BACK !" I heard tinashe scream.
I heard another scream and I chuckled. they were both excited for me to come home.
"I take it that I'm allowed to stay with you ?"
"hell yeah! we haven't seen you in forever and when are you coming?"
"I'm going to book a flight today and hopefully I'll leave tomorrow afternoon."
"tell us when you book the flight so we know when we need to pick you up . we'll fix your room tonight."
"okay, bye tinashe . I'll see you guys soon."
"bye babygirl ."
I ended the call and quickly went online to book a ticket . the only one they had was tomorrow at 10 am. I can wake up early and do my errands before leaving. this is actually happening. I'm finally going home after about 4-5 years.
"what time is your flight?"
"10 in the morning. I'll wake up around 6 and do everything I need to do and by the time it's 8, you can drive me to the airport. hopefully we'll get there by 9:30 so I can get everything ready there. I'm going to miss you guys so much."
"we'll miss you more."
I can hear Camila crying and Lauren trying to taking deep breaths, as she gripped the steering wheel hard. I hated that I was making them hurt because I was hurt. this wasn't right but it felt like it was. I need space away from normani. I can't keep getting hurt and hurting her in the process . we can never truly be happy together and I'm realizing that now. the more we're in each other's lives, the more we hurt one another. if I left then she doesn't have to worry about me, about getting hurt. she'll have everything she's ever wanted right in front of her. she'll live happily just like I'll try to. who knows maybe we'll cross paths again and we could be together. maybe we won't, the future is unpredictable . you never know what might happen . all you can do is hope. hope that you'll be happy and that the future holds something special.
it's really over between normani and I. that's finally sinking in. no more being friends. no more being anything. this is happening, we are no longer going to be in each other's lives. we're going to move on and be happy. even if it was a mistake, I don't regret a single bit of it. I'm glad she was my first and I hope I was hers but it was doubtful. she probably had sex with zendaya. she's going to be happy and that's all that matters. she deserves this. happiness because it's something I couldn't provide for her and I regret it. I hurt her and vice versa . that doesn't mean I won't still love her. in my eyes, she was worth it and even if I have her in the end, I know that she holds a place in my heart that no one will take and that I love her so much. I'm letting her go by leaving. if it's meant to be , she'll come . if she doesn't , we weren't meant to be from the start and that'll totally be okay.
*the next morning*
I woke up around 6 am and quickly for dressed. I had everything packed up and ready to go. I grabbed everything I needed for today and held them close. i can't believe this was happening. I'm finally getting away. I woke up Lauren and Camila before fixing my hair .
"what time is it?" Camila asked, emerging from her room.
"6:10. you two should hurry because I have to go to my job and give them this letter. I also have to apologize for it being short notice and I hope they can understand. this is going to be a hard day for me."
"it's a hard one for us too. we'll miss you so much."
"I promise to FaceTime you guys everyday . I love you guys so much."
"we love you more."
I fixed my hair as they got ready. this was the last day I was going to spend with my girls. the memories that I have with these girls will always be remembered . they are my everything .
when they finally finished up, we headed towards my job . I know I'm going to get yelled at but I don't care. when we got there, I saw Amelia smiling. she won't be smiling after she finds out I'm quitting . I've honestly got close with her but not close enough to tell her my problems. I gave her the envelope and she instantly frowned. I just broke this poor woman's heart. bless her heart.
"Dinah, what is this?"
"my resignation letter."
"you're what?" I heard a voice scream.
I turned around to find my boss. I exhaled and faced him. I felt my body begin to sweat.
"I'm quitting. I can't be here any longer and I'm sorry this is short notice."
"why? where did this come from?"
"sir, I love working at this job but with my personal life, it's taking quite a toll on me and I can't handle it. I need some time away from this place . I'm sorry about this. I have to go."
before he could reply, I rushed out of the building. I got in the car and told Lauren to go. this hurt so much. it's something I have to do even if I don't like it. I put in my headphones and played my music. I let myself get engulfed in the music as I looked out the window. after an hour or so of being in the car, we finally made it to the airport. Lauren and Camila began to cry once again. they escorted me to where I was supposed to go . God, I hated this.
"please don't leave." Camila begged .
"I have to. I'm sorry guys. I love you so much and I don't want you to forget that. you guys are my everything and I love you."
I gave them a long hug , kissing both of their heads. I stayed with them for alittle bit until the PA system said my flight needs to board now. tears and screams were coming from them and my stomach twisted. they didn't deserve this. I was leaving them .
"Dinah please!" Lauren whined , her breath becoming ragged .
"I love you so much . never forget that. I need to go ."
I left them and heard them fall to the floor. their cries getting louder and louder. I wanted to stop this. I wanted to stay with them but I knew that if I did then I'll be hurt.
I was about to board the plane but I heard someone call my name. it was faint but I heard it. I didn't see anyone when I turned around. so I kept walking but I heard it again. I turned around and still I didn't find anyone. this needs to quit . I don't got time for this.
A/N: aweh shucks😖 this chapter made me want to freaking cry. like I broke my own heart writing this. also I wrote this long ass chapter to make up for when I don't write since school is tiring me out. -nala😭