"The single greatest thing about love is the way it is doomed to pain and loss from its onset. Whether it is the spouse that outlives their lover, or loses them to another, there is no escaping that most solemn of inevitabilities. That two people can commit themselves to all this sadness and heartache in the name of such brief happiness, the warm touch of familiar skin, the unrivaled pleasantness in waking up beside the same person you spent the entire night with in your dreams, is all the proof I need that insanity exists, and it is beautiful."
That night I could barely manage an hour long sleep. I laid in bed, restless and deep in thought wondering about Diana and the possibility of our child. While I had been living my life the way it is for the past 10 months oblivious to the existence of my child, the flesh I created, Diana, on the other hand, went through everything alone.
I sat on the floor, next to the bed, wondering if she had morning sickness like Melanie did, hoping someone was there to hold her hair or rub her back when she vomited whilst I played pretend with my beautiful niece. I prayed someone was always there with her to the monthly doctors' visit because I had the warmth of my mother to nurse me when I had the flu few months ago. I wondered whether someone repeatedly told her that she still looked beautiful even with that big bump because I was never there to hold her and tell her how beautiful she looks because of the baby bump.
How I'm missed every little thing from those infamous pregnancy mood swings, to hearing the baby kick in her womb, and discussing whether to keep the sex of the baby as a surprise. I should have been there waiting outside the doctor's room or holding her hand when she was in labor. But I wasn't. Instead I pushed her away when I should've been fighting for her, for us.
After few hours of uneasiness and self pity, I decided to don my tracks and head out for a long jog. It was still dark when I headed out the street to tire my body and clear the fog off my mind.
An hour or so later, when exhaustion turned into over-exhaustion and keeping a step forward pained like hell, I decided that I had tortured myself enough. I had to race in Italy in two weeks and I couldn't afford a muscular injury, not now not ever. Racing was one thing I had screwed up.
Yet.
So, I slowed my pace and crawled sluggishly towards the Villa.
By now, the dawn had creaked as people started occupying the streets and roads that were once deserted two hours ago. Some were jogging cycling or simply walking around while others were heading out for work. Some took out their dogs for a stroll, others while taking out the garbage bags.
As I strolled down the street, I saw a small dog running in circles about two houses away from where I stood. It looked as if the dog was running after to catch his tail. Typical dog thing to do!
Chuckling I went closer to the dog. What appeared to be a stupid dog was actually circling around some sort of a toy. A baby pacifier to be precise. I winced as a sharp pinching sensation shot up from my calves to my thighs as I crouched down beside the dog which had, luckily, stopped circling around the baby pacifier.
"Hey there buddy!" I whispered to the Dackel with a short mud brown coat of fur. Settling my knees against the pavement, I shifted closer to the panting dog who was staring at the toy passively and gently patted his long back. When he stayed staring at the baby pacifier, I gingerly scratched and tickled him; starting from the back making way along his long slender body, reaching his head, his soft long ears, and the underside of his jaw. He turned his head looking around the street and then at the line of houses on the other side of the road
Finally turned towards me. Sniffing at my knees and huffing my sweaty sweatshirt from waist to my chest, "Where did you get that from, huh?"
And a few seconds later, the little Dackel had me resting on my backside and laughing as he licked my throat and my chin. "Aren't you a playful little kid!" I laughed as I continued to tickle the friendly dog; until we both, the dog and I, were startled by an irate voice presumably calling out to him. While I removed my hands from him, he nudged my chest and nuzzled in my shoulder seeking more pampering.
"Dax! Come back!" The female voice now sounded clear and more familiar.
"Dax, huh?" I dodged his tongue as it tried to lick more portions of my face.
"DAX!" I could feel the source of the voice standing behind me. Fuck!
The small hair at the back of my neck stood alerted as I managed to identify the voice. Same voice from last night. Same voice from my bedside 10 months ago. I was panting much like the dog had been a minute go.
"Dax, you idiot! Come here this instant!" As soon as she snapped at the dog, he jumped off my lap and , presumably, ran towards her. "I'm sorry, sir. Though my dog's under training but still a bit of an idiot."
She was talking to me! Fuck!
I opened my mouth to say something but my mind went blank. Of all the thousand things I wanted to say to her, nothing came to my mind. What should I say first? Should I ask her whether she missed me? Or demand to know about the baby? I tried to get up to face her, to see her beautiful smile, to fall into the depth of her expressive brown eyes but I stayed frozen on the spot, unable to move.
"Sir? Are you alright?" She asked in concern.
Yes, now I am!
With two deep breaths, I tried to calm my havoc mind and get up, intentionally keeping my back towards her. "You know," I dusted off the dirt from my jogging pants and finally turned to face her, "Dackel is a very intelligent breed."
Her lips were parted in a slight O and her eyes were wide open in surprise as soon as she registered who she was talking to. She looked just the same as 10 months ago- the same messy hair tied up in a bun, those light pink cheeks, her tender luscious lips.
Yet, she looked different. Her body was more lean than before. Her eyes that once held mischief was now more clouded with animosity, mostly directed towards me. For what felt like a decade that we stood there looking at each other, trying to drink in the differences between how we were before and how we are now, trying to digest the fact that here we stood merely inches apart yet neither of us had the courage to draw each other closer.
Breaking our eye contact, she abruptly crouched down to scoop Dax in her arms making a move to walk. But before she could turn away, I called out her name intending to stop her. She didn't. Instead she picked up her pace and walked towards the backside of the house. Well, I didn't intend on letting her go this time either. I strolled behind her, even through the back door leading to the kitchen, and kept calling her name along with the dog's incessant barking but never received her response.
As soon as we entered, a strong smell of bacon left my mouth watering and stomach grumbling in hunger instantly. I saw two faces from the previous night staring up at me in surprise.
"You went out to fetch the dog and walked in with a handsome hunk behind you." The old woman was the first to speak, winking at Diana. She walked away silently to deposit Dax on the floor outside the kitchen. She leaned sideways against the wall but kept her back towards me. Never once showing her face or talking or even acknowledging my presence.
That's what you get for being an insensitive ass towards her!
"Please surprise, Mister." Her dad stood stood in front of me with his arms crossed across his chest as his face remained passive.
"Join us for breakfast dear!" Her mother interrupted, her smile never once faltering.
"No, he isn't!" Before I could have my say, Diana had already decided for me. "Please tell him to leave my house right now!"
"Diana!" Her mother reprimanded, "Don't talk to Sebastian like that! Where are your manners now?"
Diana turned around, seething in anger, "Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House. NOW!" Shit!
"Diana!" The woman looked horrified at Diana. But she ignored her mother again kept glaring at me.
"Diana," I pleaded, "it's been so long and.. I've.. I finally have you in front of me. After 10 whole months." I tried so hard to keep my emotions at bay because one look at her and I just wanted to hold her in my arms, to kiss her, to tell her how big of an idiot I was. I wanted her, with me. I wanted to hold her and leave let her go. But I knew I couldn't. I lost that right long ago.
But she wasn't having any of it, "I won't hesitate to throw you out myself if it comes to that!"
"Diana," I pleaded, "I am.. It's been.. How are you, Diana?" I struggled to get the words right, especially when she was finally here, glaring at me in anger.. God, she looked hot as ever!
She cocked her eyebrow at me and ordered me again to leave the premise. But I wasn't having any of it either; that moment I had decided that I won't go until we've talked. So, I turned to her mother and smiled, "Ma'am, I'd love to stay for breakfast, if that's alright!"
The woman grinned and got back to working on the stove while her husband sat at the breakfast counter with the newspaper spread in front of him.
"What part of 'get out' do you not understand?" She snapped at me again but before I could talk to Diana, my cell phone rang.
That must be Mel. Shit!
Rejecting the call, I walked a few steps towards Diana. With each step she cringed and a visible shudder ran through her body. Oh, dear! She's cringing away from me as if I'd physically harm her. Is that the extent of hurt and pain I've given her?
"You have no idea how happy and relieved I am to see you again." I whispered softly to her, "How have you been Diana?"
I hopefully waited for her response but she kept staring at something behind me, never once making an eye contact or acknowledging my words. "Diana please! Please, talk to me, baby!"
She narrowed her eyes at me and snarled, "You're 10 months too late, Sebastian." She voice rising with each word she threw at me, "Remember back in my apartment how I begged and begged you to tell me whatever was the matter, and how you instead choose to tear our relationship apart. Or perhaps, you'd remember how you'd brought to Switzerland, for no apparent reason, and still didn't care to utter any shit."
"Maybe you've forgotten how you'd disappeared from the house without even so much telling me. Even your fucking mobile was switched off. I went crazy looking after you in the whole neighbourhood for two hours. All I know that you'd went out, through my sister. Do you even know what time you came back that night? Or how drunk out of your mind you were? Perhaps, you could even elaborate on the fact how you had left my place without informing me, again. there was no way I could have reached you. How about this, Diana? Huh?" I hadn't realised how loud I was until I had stopped talking. The whole place seemed dead silent. Her eyes had soften under guilt yet anger oozing out of her defensive stance.
Dammit! I was creating a spectacle in front of her parents! Just what I didn't want..
With a deep breath, I began again, keeping a check on my tone this time, "Look, both, you and I have made decisions which have inevitably hurt us in the past. I'm not here to ask forgiveness for any of it because, honestly, no amount of apologies could reverse the pain. Despite all this time, we are still looking for answers, wondering what went wrong. All I'm asking of you is some time to talk, to get our answers, and to put a stop to all the agony. That's all I ask."
Her eyes bore sharply into mine as she diverted her attention from her dull naked nails of her fingers. "Things don't work like this Sebastian. You can't come back into my life whenever you want and demand to talk about the past. The time for talking has gone by."
I placed on her upper arm and she flinched instantly, removing my hand and took a step back. And I felt rejected, once again.
"Please Diana. Don't d-"
"Sebastian dear, we've got pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, and some orange juice. Would you like me to make something else for you?" Her mother tactfully interrupted us. A smile plastered on her face.
"It's all fine, ma'am." I nodded.
She gushed, "Oh, stop with the ma'am. Makes me feel old. Call me Annie." She winked. Turning towards Diana, I asked her to join me. Instead, she turned around.
"Diana!" Her father called to her before she was earshot, "Sit with us." She glared at her father but soon hung her head dejectedly and sat down with us.
"So, what brings you here, Sebastian?" Her father spoke to for the first time this morning.
"My sister's getting married, sir."
"How lovely!" Annie grinned, "I did hear something about a wedding from Mrs. Tallie. When's the big day?"
I accidentally gulped a big piece of pancake and coughed. Diana's hand came shooting through across the table with her glass of water. When I looked at her, she diverted her eyes away from me. I took the glass from her and mouthed a thank you; she sat stoic.
"Today, actually. And I'd like Diana to attend the wedding with me."
Annie gasped, "Oh, my. Of course, she will." Sealing down an answer for her instead of letting Diana say the opposite.
Her father asked, "You must have a lot of work to do then?"
"Not really. My brother's handling everything this wedding."
"Fabian is a kid. How can he possibly take care of everything by himself?" It was Diana who spoke this time. My chest swelled with happiness. Progress.
"When Stephanie, my eldest sister, got married then I was in-charge of everything. This time Fabian insists, he'll manage everything considering I was of the same age when Stephanie got married. Moreover, he's a better organiser and mastermind than-"
"Diana," A male voice cut me off, "Why was Quinn's pacifier on the pavement outside?" Suddenly, my mind was on alert. A male's voice. Baby's pacifier.
Baby. Our baby.
Or not.
In that moment, perhaps since the last night, it struck to me that the baby could have been his. It fitted somehow. He was always lurking around her, using his daughter as an excuse to spend more time with her. With me out of the scene, he could have easily swept Diana into his favor.
Yes, it could have been Diana and Aiden's baby.
The realisation made me want to puke. I tightly clamped a hand over my mouth and abruptly stood up from the table, pushing the glass of water in the process. Well, that seemed to catch Diana's attention back to me. She stood up immediately and told me to follow her.
After vomiting my heart out, I rinsed my mouth thoroughly. From the mirror, I could see Diana standing outside the washroom through the space between the door and hinge.
"You alright?" She called out from the other side.
"Yes, I'll live." I said opening the door. She nodded and walked away but I grasped her wrist just in time. "Tell me."
She raised her eyebrow in annoyance.
"About the baby." I clarified.
"What baby?"
"I saw you last night, with a baby." I looked at her hoping she'd continue, instead she stood there with the same annoyed and confused expression. I looked around the room wondering how to carefully tread further. I still held her wrist scared she'll walk away if I loosen the grip. "I spent the whole of last night cursing myself for leaving you alone, especially when you needed me that most. I remember how restless Melanie was during her pregnancy, and last night I kept putting myself down for not being there for you. But the worst part was that you never tol-"
She snatched her hand back, "Wow wow! Hold up. We don't have a baby, okay?"
Not mine. Not mine. Aiden. That's the only other possibility. My body felt heavy suddenly. The throbbing pain in my leg had returned.
"Are you talking about the grocery store?" I nodded. "Avi and Lily's boy." A deep breath left me body leaving me with a big relief and a bit of happiness. "You thought it was our baby?"
I nodded and just like that, she walked away.
Is she so repulsed by the idea of having my baby?
"Diana, wait up!" I followed her out.
"You've had breakfast, go back now." She replied without turning.
"Please. I just want to talk." No reply.
By the time we reached the breakfast table, two more people were already seated. I recognised Avi and his wife, Lily. Diana's father was playing with their baby.
As soon as Avi saw me his eyes shone in anger. As he stood up, presumably to throw a punch at me or something, his wife placed her hand over his effectively stopping him. From the looks of it, he very much wanted to rip off my throat but he stood there in silent anger.
Annie turned and offered from me to sit but somehow my appetite had vanished. I just wanted to talk to Diana. I picked up my plate and placed it in the sink.
"Diana, can I talk to you for a minute please?" I silently begged.
"No!" Came her reply, short and crisp.
I involuntarily begged aloud, "Please!"
"You know from where you came in through; you can certainly find your way out."
I didn't wanted to make another public spectacle but neither did I have any other option, not enough time. "I won't leave until we've talked."
She still refused to look at me, "Suit yourself."
"Diana, I've had enough of you disrespecting that man. I didn't raise you to behave like this." Her father came to my rescue while she remained silent.
"I'm not attending the wedding either." She chipped in. Defiance shining bright in her eyes. I pleaded again and again but she stood strong on her word.
Annie stood up and politely excused herself; grabbing Diana's arm, she led her out of the kitchen area only to come back after a whole half an hour later. Diana's eyes were red and puffy, and her lips quivering.
Everyone waited for either of them to speak. Few moments later Diana raised her eyes to meet mine. "I have two conditions."
Conditions? Is this some sort of a fucking deal?
"I'm listening." I insisted.
"I want the truth, the whole truth. Before the wedding or after, that's up to you." I opened my mouth, all too willing to agree but she held up her hand. "Second, we will never meet after today. No phones, no emails, no mails, no meet-and-greet."
I stood there gaping at her. The whole room was silent dead silent. I could practically hear my heart thud against my ribcage. I could hear the gushing of the blood in my veins.
Not meeting her ever, not seeing her. Surely, I had be alright before I saw her last night but now.. I didn't want to think I could be happy with out her after today.
No!
"Yes or no Sebastian; it's that simple." She edged. Her eyes were cold and distant. Her mother smiled apologetically at me, while her father played with the baby boy. Avi and his wife were blatantly staring at me waiting for a response I couldn't fathom myself.
If I choose today, I'll lose her for forever. If I decline, I'd lose today's time as well. I'd lose her in either of the situations.
Only the thought brought back all the pain I felt when I found that my bedside was cold and empty and devoid of her.
The answer was clear. Very clear.
"Be ready by half past two." I announced.
Thanking her parents for their hospitality, I rushed out of the house in need of air.
-X-X-
Note: Dax says hola! =)
3-4 chapters more and the story is done.
Feedback is welcome. Hope you all had fun!