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Commenting timeframe (CST): 8/26-9/04
Moderator: swiftiegirl1010
Comment Topic: The starting point of the chapter is always important. It sets the scene and introduces the characters of an unfolding story. Comment on the beginning of each author's chapter and how well they executed it.
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Author #1: xtoverus
Book Title: The Zero Hour
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 - Fight or Flight (Part 1)
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Thanks NBR for the chance to be spotlighted! I'm very excited to see how the excellent writers and readers in this group will help to improve my story...
1) Does the story flow smoothly or are there abrupt sections where you tap your fingers and start to get bored. What do you think about the pacing of the story - too fast/too slow?
2) It's important for the dialogue and characters to be believable and not feel forced. What improvements would you suggest?
3) Please tell me honestly if you would read on. If you wouldn't, why - is it poor language, a weak hook, not a genre you are interested in, etc?
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG-13
Winning Comment: Hey! Congrats on the spotlight!
Comment topic: The beginning of your chapter. To me, the engagement level was so-so. Not too boring, but not super exciting either. I would try to use some different sentence structures to make it a tad bit more exciting. For instance,
-"...shouted a large boy with red hair and freckles." I would change the sentence structure a bit, just so we're drawn to it a bit more. Maybe show us his appearance instead of telling us? For example, maybe try ""Quick!" The ground seemed to shake as a red-headed boy stomped forward, his freckled face crumpled into a scowl. "Get him!"" We can see what the boy is doing while shouting at his gooneys to get Amadeus. To me, this is a bit more engaging.
Another sentence:
-"He barely had time to look up before realizing that he was surrounded by a group of boys, yelling taunts at him in unison." Once again, try to show us the situation more instead of telling. For instance, what do they boys look like when they surround him? I wouldn't be too specific, but just give us a general idea. For example, "He barely had time to look up before realizing that a group of boys were closing in around him, wearing ugly smirks and jeering grins as they taunted him in unison." Now, for the taunting part. "In unison" sounds a bit awkward. It feels like they're all calling him the same name at the same time, like a cheer or something. Maybe try "all together" or something similar?
-If the entire area is snowing, maybe show some indications that it is before? Maybe show us the chill clinging onto his skin when he's pushed over by one of the gooneys and stumble into the snow. Maybe the ginger boy's hair is speckled with snow flakes, and his freckled nose is red from the cold. Maybe show the gooneys trudging through the snow while they surround him, and they kick snow into Amadeus's face. I was picturing a summer setting until you mentioned later on that it was snowing.
Apart from these points, as for how it was executed, it wasn't bad at all. It set the scene, telling us that Amadeus is bullied, taunted, and threatened often, is somewhat an outsider, and something happened to his father (passed away, maybe?). He's used to all this and he now knows how to handle the bullies. We know that the "wilderness" is a place to be fearful of. Great job with the opening of the chapter!
Now, onto your questions.
1) Does the story flow smoothly? Overall pacing? Well, overall, the flow of the chapter and the pacing was pretty good, I just think you have to work on smoothing out some sentence structures and focusing on showing more than telling. I'll point out a few examples here:
-"The boys tensed up and all eyes turned toward the direction..." Show us how they tensed up. For example, "One by one, each boys' eyes filled with terror as they whipped around towards the direction Amadeus had pointed at, bodies stiff and frozen." We get a clearer picture of what they looked like at this situation.
-"She was always the more optimistic one." Hmm, to me, I could easily tell throughout the chapter that she was the one who leaned toward the positive side of things even without this statement. Maybe omit? You don't have to tell us with the great way you showed us later on.
-Overall, I felt like the entire flashback sequence was a bit rushed. I liked how his parents pulled a fight, but I feel like it ended pretty quickly. Hmm, just a few suggestions here:
-Maybe have his father go out first, and his mother stays with Amadeus. Later, Amadeus hears them fighting, and a body drops to the ground, groaning with pain. As if on cue, his mother kisses him on his forehead and tells him she loves him, and to stay quiet and hidden. She pushes him under the bed and approaches the guards, and she also goes down. Later, Amadeus cannot do anything but watch as his parents are dragged away. Maybe they'll be unconscious/soundless/unmoving, so Amadeus doesn't know if they're dead or not. This might add on to the emotional weight of the traumatizing memory.
-I might also add a bit more hints of emotions in the flashback scene. Maybe his mother's voice is shaking with fear, or filled with sadness at the thought that she has to leave her son. When his father tries to stall for time, maybe show his fear despite trying to look brave, or his preparedness to face the worst outcome (like clenching the broom handle tightly, a hardened, stoic expression on his face.) Maybe show Amadeus trying hard to stay quiet as he sobs silently, for he know that his parents' sacrifice will be a waste if he dares make a sound. I couldn't feel the emotional weight you wanted to show in the flashback scene as vividly as I wanted to, so I think these might help a bit.
-When you transition to Madam Marcell's POV, maybe make things a bit smoother? Since starting from the description of the camp is her POV, maybe try to put "She scanned the area and Amadeus held his breath, staying completely still" to the end of the paragraph, "Lines of worry were beginning to...", and maybe replace it with a sentence showing Madam Marcell looking over at the camp. This might help smooth the transition a bit.
Network with this winner: swiftiegirl1010
1st runner up: tegan1311
2nd runner up: NOT PROVIDED
Final Author's Note: lots of the comments I received were really honest, direct and helpful. I'd like to thank each and every person who took the trouble to comment and am really grateful to be spotlighted
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Author #2: Ashanina
Book Title: Shattered Line
Specified Chapter: Chapter One
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: It's my turn! I'm so happy and excited. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and give me feedback. You're welcome to tear it a part (hopefully in a good way). Any grammatical errors, weirdly worded sentences, the whole deal. So here are my questions:
- This chapter has gone under revision multiple times. So my main question is if this chapter reads too mechanical? That there's no emotion or it reads like a manual.
- As far as action goes, does it seem possible or does it make the character ungodly strong? Like are there clear plot holes in what's being presented. Note that she has lived numerous lives because she's been reincarnated. So her past experiences will have accumulated.
- Is there any vagueness that needs to be clarified other than plot questions?
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Comment Topic: Comment on the beginning of each author's chapter and how well they executed it.
We begin with Isla running through the pine forest which is a good hook, jumping straight in with the action. It instantly opens up a lot of questions, which is good. But it also means we know nothing about her, have no reason to care what happens to her and without knowing her abilities there is little opportunity for tension.
It was a pleasure to read a tight, fast passage that still managed to splice in some beautiful description. I got a strong sense of the night, the forest, the time period and her aloneness.
- This chapter has gone under revision multiple times. So my main question is if this chapter reads too mechanical? That there's no emotion or it reads like a manual.
No, it does not read like a manual and even though you don't explicitly state her emotions, her behaviour makes them clear. She's got very high expectations of herself, she's afraid but not terrified and believes she has the skill to manage. She is wilful and has self control, but worries about distraction.
- As far as action goes, does it seem possible or does it make the character ungodly strong? Like are there clear plot holes in what's being presented.
No, she doesn't seem ungodly strong, but yes, I didn't find the action believable. When she charges through a ring of five men and runs, they would have to be right on her heals. If she is so brilliant that she can out run them in time to find a hiding place and wait, surely she wouldn't squander her lead by lying under a tree when she could easily make it to the river and escape.
Being able to kill the attacker by jumping out from under a tree might have been possible if she's highly skilled. Being able to win a one on one fight with the next man is also believable, especially because she uses a trick.
But when she is pinned face down on the ground, a man on her, and two other's next to her with drawn weapons, she wouldn't have made it to the river. Certainly she could stab the man on her. But after having two comrades killed by her, as soon as she stabbed a third, the others would have immediately struck her down, long before she managed to stand up.
Finally, if she loses enough blood to lose consciousness in the time it takes her to take the couple of steps to the river, she'd certainly be dead within minutes.
- Is there any vagueness that needs to be clarified other than plot questions?
The opening sentence reads like a call to action, but is immediately followed by current action. Was she already running when the noises came? If so, it feels incongruent to call it a quiet night, even if it is silent. If the noises caused her to start running, I feel like I need that initiating moment to be painted for me.
"Moonlight flickered back and forth," Is a great description of a windy, full-moon night in a dense forest. But not a pine forest because they cast soft blurred shadows when not completely dark. And not in a quiet forest because if it's windy enough to blow branches and make shadows dance, then it's also loud.
"...rang out in the distance" then "several paces ahead of the men" While the term 'paces' can mean steps in a plan, it is confusing when she is running at the same time. Then there seemed to be no plan, so I went back to thinking she was only a few strides in front of men that she'd just heard in the distance.
"She took the chance and squeezed effortlessly through them with sharp twigs scratching her back." Because it takes will to cause yourself pain, the adverb effortlessly feels wrong.
"passed the tree line." then "stepped into the clearing". For me, a clearing is surrounded by trees and I was unable to establish it in the same image I had of the tree line ending.
"three prong attack" I only see one prong. Is the right-hand man a second prong, because he's not attacking. If the six men had been in three pairs coming from different directions, her running wouldn't make sense, nor would their arriving together.
"Shock slowly emerged within his eyes as they grew wide." There is no time for slowly. As he realised what was happening, someone else would have stuck a sword in her.
"The other men stared in disbelief at their fallen comrade." Are they just farmers dressed up as mercenaries or am I missing something?
"She used their hesitation to make a break, back into the woods." Isn't she surrounded? If she intended to make a break, wouldn't she have pushed through with her sword, past her victim and kept running instead of pulling back and allowing them to close the gap she'd just made?
Originally "No protective light-armor attached to their bodies." then "his leather armor ripped to shreds." My first picture of the attackers didn't fit with the description that followed. Was his armour already ripped up? Because I don't think she landed a strike until that point.
"If she reached a hand out, she'd touch it." Seems like the wrong description for a river she is running towards as fast as she can. From that close, she'd have the momentum to land in the river when being tackled.
"a boulder fell on top of her" but "He latched onto her legs tripping her" At first I thought she was jumped on by one person, possibly from above, and then tackled around the legs by a second. But there was only one person.
I don't know why they didn't drag her unconscious body from the river and kill her.
Style:
"She swore under her breath at her lack of concentration." Telling us this twice with only a short paragraph might be overdoing it.
I like the short sentences with the action. You kept it moving so fast that it was really hard for me to remember I was critiquing and not just get dragged along with it.
"Hope bubbled to the surface that she could escape." Maybe try juggling the syntax to "Hope that she could escape bubbled to the surface."
"His mere presence drew..." This is a great paragraph. I was amazed at how quickly you gave me a character that I knew and hated. Brilliant.
"she reached out and snatched the weapon." Maybe instead of reaching out, she might have "bent down"?
"The single mistake created an opportune time." Maybe 'opening' instead of 'opportune time' unless that is the voice you are going for.
"pushing him off balance. He fell forward as she sidestepped away." Maybe 'pulling' would work better than 'pushing' here?
"sound of footsteps disappeared" This works really well if you're trying to let the reader know that Isla is an intensely visual person who avoids aural or tactile language. Otherwise maybe 'silenced' or 'halted' would work here?
'overdrive' The word feels modern, at least post industrial revolution.
"Ahead was a river, she remembered the forest layout." I don't know how you conveyed it but somehow I had already guessed that she was in a familiar forest. Very subtle of you. Maybe this would work here instead, "She remembered there was a river ahead."
I'm having trouble with mixed metaphors. The attackers are like a net, a noose around her neck, and moving in like an arrow, blockading her sides. This could very well be just me because I tend to be bothered by such things. If more reviewers mention it as well, then it might be something to look at.
"whom appeared to be the leader of the group." This is already apparent to the reader as much as it is to Isla.
Grammar:
"The dim light—her shining beacon. Allowed her the ability to maneuver through the dense woods. To stay several paces ahead of the men chasing her." There are a number of sentences that you've structured like this and even though I know it tosses the rigid grammar handbook I did like the prose feel that it gave your writing. Because your descriptions are good and evocative, I think you could get away with it but you will have to take great care to remain consistent and pass it off as the narrator's voice and not the author's errors.
At the end of the day, what really matters is that people understand exactly what you intend them to. You manage this fine. I never felt lost. At one point you broke a prose-like passage over a paragraph and I think that is too much. Established and self-published authors can get away with it, but a new author would have a hard time getting it past a publisher.
"For the surrounding trees dwindled in number." Subject/object? Again a prose like sentence, but in this case, I would consider deleting 'for' from he start.
"she past too close." I know you know this is 'passed' because you got it right in the next paragraph. It is the sort of thing I miss in my own work all the time and kick myself for regularly.
You're off to a great start with this chapter and have already established intrigue. I'm sure Isla survived, but she won't be feeling too well and won't have done it on her own so I'm already wondering who her saviour will be.
Network with this winner: TimothyMarsh
1st runner up: linahanson
2nd runner up: GirlsCanRockToo
Final Author's Note: I'm really happy from all the great feedback. I was searching for overall things to help me improve as a writer. The bigger picture so to speak, and I got some amazing stuff that I believe can help me in the longer run. So i'm excited to go back through and edit. A special shout out to writervid, I thought your comment held importance as well, but wasn't submitted before the deadline.
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Author #3: wordsinsilk [NBR Informer]
Book Title: Ravenous Three
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Hey everyone, I'm so excited to be in the spotlight! Ravenous Three is the story I've been working on for quite some time. I appreciate everyone for taking the time to read my story, also thanks to the mods and the entire NBR team for giving me this chance. That said, I can't wait for you to check it out! Knock yourself out :D
1. The nature of the story is grounded on the characters and some from of realism, how do you feel about the nature of this world.
2. Does it hold your interest in some way?
3. If not, (from previous question) what would you want to learn more?
Genre: Science Fiction
Rating: PG-13 (The story has a mature rating. This chapter is not rated mature due to the nature of the arc. The next chapter is *different, keep this in mind if you're compelled to continue)
Winning Comment: Hi! Congrats on the spotlight! I love your cover!
Plot and Chapter Division--
I read ahead through chapters 2 and 3 to see how they, the world, and everything else would go/change. The first thing that I got from it is that there are only a few really significant things in chapter 1: the fact that Kat hasn't paid the rent in a while, that they're not the most financially stable, and that the extortion is happening. Those are the only three things that really are important.
My suggestion? Cut everything else out.
A bunch of people in the comments mentioned that they were bored by the lip biting and the chores. No one likes chores, and the reaction to the lip bite was unrealistic. So start differently (I'll dive into hook later, but this works as an introduction to it). Focus on the fact that it's extortion day, that your MC is worried about the rent. Focus on something else.
I tried to write up an example of this (that you can totally use) from what you've written.
Today is extortion day.
Genari watches the bay at the window, biting her lip. Thousands of people pile onto the streets, waiting for the black cube. And though she hates to admit it, she's waiting too.
To get it over with.
Downstairs, she can hear the clang of pots that means her mother is done cooking. She runs down...(cont. until Convo happens with faster pacing and they hurry to extortion).
Also: just a note, but I like how you show the threats of the school with extortion before anything else. It's a twist on the magic school idea, and it definitely adds to the intensity of what will happen at the school, whatever that may be, as well as providing a reason why Genari hasn't applied.
Character--
I want to start out with character after talking about plot because plot is generally driven by characters. The thing about yours is that they aren't making a strong impression on me. Here is what I learn about them after chapter 1.
I want to start out with character after talking about plot because plot is generally driven by characters. The thing about yours is that they aren't making a strong impression on me. Here is what I learn about them after chapter 1.
Genari: doesn't like extortion. Works at a pottery shop. Lives with mother. Gas brown hair. Is poor. Most of clothes are tattered. Does chores. Daughter of Kat. Wants to leave city. Looks out windows.
Kat: enjoys cooking. Can cook well, and does well with what she's got. Mother of Genari. Red hair. Hasn't paid rent in a while. Is poor.
I don't really learn anything about these characters in this chapter other than basic appearance and interests. I learn about their BACKGROUND. Not about who they are. And that's not a good thing. Your first chapter needs to work as several things: a kickstarter to action, a quick look at character and setting, and a hook to make people want to read on. Your chapter, partially due to its slow pacing, is no kickstarter to action. It doesn't hook me. And I barely learn anything about your characters. It looks more like the opening credits of a movie than a movie.
It doesn't function as an effective first chapter.
I really do think you should cut pretty much the first half of it, then speed the pacing in the new first half. Add it to your present chapter 2, which is short, and then you have an effective first chapter that functions as a kickstarter to action and, depending on how you write it, a good hook.
Now...character. Gotta get back on topic.
The thing that is tricky about your characters is that I'm pretty sure you're writing in third limited (though feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). In third limited, the narrator generally has an idea of what is going on in the MC's head when the MC is spotlighted, like in this chapter.
I don't feel any emotional connection to Gerani at all because I don't see or hear how she feels or hear what she thinks. It is hard to relate to this girl, which is reason enough for someone to put the book down.
So give us her thoughts in italics. What does she feel or think about the rent? Does she show this through her body language? Does she cross her arms or frown or bow her head or slump her shoulders? Show us how she feels, show us what she thinks, and you will be fine with that.
Also: head hopping. Stick to one characters POV in each chapter. I left a link on that in one of my annoying inline comments, so I think that's something to be looked at. You do it in chapter three as well.
World building--
I think you have a world with a lot of potential here. I like the black cube in the sky, the odd names of places. I like the bay.
I don't really know a lot about it, though. And I think that's because you lack some sensory details here.
What does it smell like on extortion day? Is it reeky because of all the bodies pressed together? Is it fishy, or salty?
And what does the bed feel like? Is it soft, or is it scratchy? What do tears running down her face feel like? Itchy? Gross? How does your MC feel hunger? Does it pinch her stomach, or is it an ache?
You have a sight overload here. It's good, but you need more of a balance with the other senses. I don't need to know what her clothes look like, but these are good things to have for world building.
Hook--
This isn't going to be too in depth because I briefly covered it earlier, but hook is important. It sets up your book, and generally, if a person doesn't like the hook, they leave.
Your hook kind of falls flat.
Show me something that grabs my attention. That presents the novel. Here are a couple hooks that I think work very well at making readers ask questions so they want to read more.
"It was a pleasure to burn." -Fahrenheit 451. Not only does this hook immediately make you go "whoa", but it also kicks off Guy's character arc for the book, which is related to burning.
"It is the first day of November, so today, someone will die." -The Scorpio Races. Kicks the action right off. I recommend something like this for your book, actually. Seems to be a similar theme between them.
I also suggest looking at ChayAvalerias's NBR review book with the Hunger Games hook look over there. It's super, super helpful, and a much different approach to hooks than what I showed you here. I wish I could link it, but I can't since I'm on my mobile.
Tense--
This tense/person choice was, well, interesting. I like that it's different, but it's super hard to get used to, and I'm not sure it works. One thing I like about present tense is that it puts you in the moment. Makes you feel like you're there.
But I don't get that here because we don't see or feel any of the character's feelings or thoughts (weird phrasing, I know). I'm not in the moment because I'm not in the character.
Put me in the character and I think it might work.
Overall, I see this story as one with a lot of potential. Your weakness lies in telling and not showing.
Network with this winner: Writervid
1st runner up: The3dreamers
2nd runner up: Tegan1311
Final Author's Note: Again, I wish to thank the NBR team and everyone else for checking out my story. I appreciate every comment, and every take that came through and I got to understand how it's received by a good number of people.
I took the chance to review the comments myself, and I picked up a lot from them. I hope everyone gets the chance to continue with the good work. Although I wanted to list a number of people, these are the few that made the cut, simply because they went the extra mile, or I found it helpful (whether harsh or not). Some reached out through PM to remind me that not all criticism might be true, and that it's okay to take it with a grain of salt.Here's a list of honorable mentions who gave some sage advice: JesseSprague wrightstory swiftiegirl1010 theemmpress AyushiPandey GirlsCanRockToo Wimbug PackerBacker2 linahanson yayathesailor field19 and TheRecklessRebel
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