Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 14

Comment Topic: Name 1 attribute of the protagonist that makes him/her appear as a real person who could exist outside of a book. Please be descriptive - 5 sentences or more, and don't forget to address the Author's note.

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Author #1: Danielle_Burton

Book Title: Excuse Me, First Love?

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/47898239-excuse-me-first-love

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I'm so excited to be spotlighted this week because I have witnessed the wonderful comments here at NBR!

I have chosen my first chapter to be spotlighted because according to my stats it only has 58% completed reads! :( Also my reads tend to stagger from chapter to chapter.

My questions are as follows:

1.) Do you find this chapter and the characters it introduces to be interesting?

2.) Is there anything you noticed that you feel could be causing the drop off in readers?

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Romance

Winning Comment: I'm gonna go straight to the point and make a radical recommendation. Since this is your first chapter, I want the intro to be as great a hook as possible. In light of this, I suggest making the following dialogue the very first sentence:

"Sports are for manly girls." She went back to ...

"Excuse me??" I glared a hole into the back of her head...I don't know who Cammie felt she was (by the way, she hated being referred to as Cammie, but I couldn't care less now...)

And continue the chapter up until the end when she meets Jayson Adams. (And yes, this will be the first introduction of this character). Basically cut out all the beginning part before "Sports are for manly girls." The cut out section would come into play later, trust me.

Back to the first sentence. The reason why I have that as your first sentence is because right off the bat you have an apparent conflict between two characters. I like to think that conflict and tension is what makes a story flow. This intro would get people excited, probably controversially but believe you me, people love reading stuff that is imbued with conflicts and controversies. Also, it doesn't have to be that particular line (you can pick any dialogue that has enough spice to make you want to know what happens next). The point is that I think your first few paragraphs, as they originally are, really slows down the pace of the story and you may be losing readers there.

I also recommend ending with Jayson Adams being introduced for the first time. My guess is that this would leave the audience wondering, "what the hell?". And when people wonder that, I think, they are more likely to want to read the next chapter. In the next chapter, I'd recommend beginning with the following sentence:

"River Crest was one of those places people dreamed of moving to."

And continue up until the point where she say she is still waiting for her feelings to disappear. For now, you might have to make her introduction to Cam less of a priority or somehow work it into the story in the first chapter. All of these recommendations are based on the fact that the central theme of the story is Gabi and Jayson's relationship. There were quite a few parts of the your first chapter that seemed to slow the pace and serve no special purpose in moving the story along the main theme. Not of course, that every sentence has to be about Gabi and Jayson.