Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 25

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Comment Topic: In what ways can the author make the protagonist more memorable?

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Author #1: Heavenlyhash333

Book Title: Numbering the Stars

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: A prologue from the antagonists point of view, which doesn't come into play until further down the story line. So, nothing really!

Author's Note: Hey there! When Dawn first told me that it was my turn to be spotlighted, I literally almost fell off the couch. That's how much I love NBR, and I feel that this is definitely the most worthwhile contest to join in all of Wattpad. So, a big thank-you goes out to the amazing DawnStarling, and everyone else who helped make this possible.

Now, onto my questions.

1. Do my characters seem 3D, if not, how can I improve them?

2. How is my pacing? I've been told many times that I move everything along too fast.

3. There are so many dystopian future/science fiction novels on Wattpad. It this one original enough to stand out?

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Sup! I laughed when I read your author's note because I sorta did the same thing - and it's cool to see I'm not alone in my craziness haha :P Right, let's get down to this review... This read really well! I liked your writing style, and the premise is extremely intriguing. I love all the work you put into developing how people survive in this new and unfamiliar world and the reasons behind it. One little issue I had however, was that the meeting was a little confusing for me. First of all, it seemed like there was a lot of recap. I don't know how long has passed between the ozone layer being destroyed and the meeting, but the way the meeting progresses (that people have questions and that Janeke feels the need at the start of EVERY meeting to reassert what happened) strongly suggests that the people there have no idea what happened. Which was a little weird, I guess. Not only is the recap a little odd, but we get that humanity has effectively broken the ozone later by the time Janeke talks about it, because you mention it at the start of the chapter and in the journal entry and in the synopsis (and in the other synopsis in the "before we start" chapter XD). So even if the people in the meeting don't know what happened, I'd recommend you skip over the ozone layer bit for the sake of the reader, and just go from the UV rays. Or even just the melting of the Arctic. "Since the poles melted, sea levels have risen..." some thing simple like that. Also, tsunamis are usually caused by earthquakes - I think a mere sea level rise would just lead to flooding at best? Unless the entire arctic melted in like, a day, or something, which would be both terrifying and really interesting to write about...hmm... Also, chlorofluorocarbons...it's good that you know your stuff, but I feel most people would just say "CFC's" instead, it's so much simpler :) Food for thought?

Second thing: was the MC invited to the meeting and was heading there from the start of the chapter, or did she just hear voices and decide to see what was happening? Again, the way it was written makes it seem like a bit of both. For example Janeke greets her like "you're just in time!" implying that she was invited and was heading to the meeting. However, she says she hears voices and heads towards it, which suggests it's an impulsive action, and she never mentions in the narrative that she has a place she needs to be - I thought she was just wandering around and killing time at the start. Also the purpose of the meeting is never really explained until she drops the bomb about the SWAT (love the acronym magic there, very well played). I'd suggest if she intended to attend this meeting from the start, mention it early on, so it doesn't seem like she's wandering around aimlessly. Also have either Janeke or Avril explain the actual reason they are meeting from the get-go, to give that scene purpose: "We're here because that there might be a solution to our "situation", but we need your help...", something along those lines, and then maybe you can have the man interrupt angrily about the tsunami instead of opening the floor for questions? That's just a suggestion. As for the characters, Avril has some interesting qualities. However, there is an alarming discrepancy between her action and her thought. In her diary she seems to be jaded, cynical, and appears to view death as something she'd be sorta okay with. BY the way she speaks to Jan, thinks about the little children, seems to harbour no ill-intention to her mother despite the poor treatment, she comes across as a mild, good-natured, grateful and cheerful individual. I don't get any crossover between the two states of mind, so if you'd showed me the diary entry and the character separately I'd be surprised they were the same person.Of course this doesn't mean that you need to make her unreasonably optimistic or really angsty and cynical (please dont) - but I'd like to see at least a little evidence she's not just writing words down on a page without actually feeling it. Maybe she acts cheerful, but she feels that kind of weariness all the time and uses a cheerful demeanour to disguise it? Maybe she's normally happy but every so now and then she gets a twinge of sadness and wonders if she'd be better off if she's dead...? You've got a really interesting opportunity to develop an intriguing character here who has been battered by an apocalypse of sorts but managed to survive through willpower/luck - getting into her mind could be really interesting! I'm interested to see where you'll take her, literally and emotionally - I think this kind of character development could well make her a uniquely memorable character, struggling with her humanity and the will to keep on and save the world vs. give up and be with her dad and friends. As for the others, it's too early to tell, and it's too early to have developed a 3D character. Jan seems eloquent and upbeat, and scientifically adept, so maybe smart? You told me she's selfless, although I haven't got that vibe yet (:P) It's hard to tell as yet if she had ulterior motives. Her mother is, of course, a little messed up - exactly why, again, would be something that would be fun to develop before you shot her. (Consider moving the explanation about her mother blaming her for her father's death forwards to this chapter - although by the way it's phrased in this chapter I thought she was a little envious that her daughter was only productive when her father was around and now that she's alone she's not pulling her weight and maybe insecure that her daughter liked her father better than her etc etc...) Also "I barely have enough to feed my daughter" makes her sound like she cares (or was it a guilt trip lol), so there may be hidden depths yet...The ending was...I'm still a little bit in shock, actually, because it came completely out of the blue. He just shot her, straight up? Why??? Did he think he was in genuine danger from this random woman and shooting her was the only option, or is he just really ruthless? (I was so confused, sorry). Granted, the mother was sort of a terrible person - but we don't even know that much for sure. Maybe she was just really overprotective? Bearing in mind this guy is going to end up working with Avril later and he just shot her mother in front of her? (Talk about first impressions -.-'). How was he planning to get her to join after murdering her closest relative without even giving her a chance to step off -- considering he was likely in no real danger? What makes Avril feel like he won't shoot her too if she looks slightly like she's going to do something he doesn't like? This man has displayed exactly zero trustworthy characteristics - even if she hated her mother and was glad he killed her I'd be extremely wary of going anywhere with him. I'm sorry for all the questions, but it was just so sudden, and I feel it's very hard to justify (but if you have a good explanation I'm all ears) realistically. Maybe if he'd tried to calm her down, but she'd refused, gone for the gun and threatened to shoot them - or maybe he actually is a ruthless cold-hearted guy under orders to bring Avril back, damn the consequences, and essentially forces her to come with them -- then I could understand. Try as to explain this, because it's such a big "um, WHAT?!" moment. If it's a world thing - like people (or the men in black specifically) act like this all the time, have the MC explain it to us. If it /was/ completely unprecedented...a little more emotional response would have been pretty useful, some kind of anger, if not straight sadness. I feel a little like you killed her off just to advance the plot (characters are precious!!) Cool, that's that bit over :)But in regards to pace, that was the only real area when things moved too quickly. In fact, in some ways I am tempted to say it moved a little too slowly (;-;) especially at the beginning; again, this was because there was no real purpose established in the early parts, and there was a lot of repetition of the setting. Don't get me wrong, I love good worldbuilding, and here you've clearly done a lot to develop the mechanics of the post-minus-ozone layered world. The concept is unique and I haven't seen anything along these lines, especially on wattpad - most of the dystopians around seem to be in the form of superpowered humans vs authoritarian government. At the moment I would actually be tempted to classify it more as a post-apocalyptic sci-fi. (cue genre war) There's so much potential for this story - a man vs. nature plotline - trying to survive a harsh and barren Earth while contemplating at their foolishness in squandering it's beauty (cue climate change aesop), a man vs. man vs. nature plot if you do go for an authoritarian government - what's a dystopia without one? Or even a man vs. nature vs. authoritarian government vs. slightly dickish aliens from the prologue -- also looking to see where that plot extract comes in because it sounds VERY intriguing. There are so many directions this could go - and I think that sets it apart from other dystopians out there. tl;dr: avoid info-dumping, especially the same information multiple times. make the character's thoughts and actions consistent and realistic. love the premise and the potential. the prologue, by the way, kicked all kinds of ass - a really brilliant way to open the story. Good luck with this - I think with a bit of revision over the main points this could be a really well-written and thought out novel :DNetwork with this Winner: twin_cities