Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 13

Comment Topic: Secondary characters are often used to thicken the plot. Without them, the protagonist won't have much of a story to tell. Comment on the dynamics of the relationships in this chapter as it pertains to the protagonist.

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Author #1: IVM992 [Featured Author on Wattpad]

Book Title: Moons made of Muskets

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/44383227-moons-made-of-muskets

Specified Chapter: Chapter Two: A Missing person

Protagonist: Stewart Casey

Summary Thus Far in Book: The narrator is Stewart Casey. He and his friend and colleague Marie Mirabeau run a small private detective business in Montreal. Previously, the business belonged to Marie's father, Mr. Mirabeau, who died recently. Stewart and Marie have come into the office over the weekend to meet with a potential client, a historian named Gregory Gagnon.

Author's Note: 1) Are you left with problematic questions at the end, like what is the point of the chapter and what's going on and is the narrator a guy (The answer is yes!). 2) Also, and this is more of a style thing, but is there too much French, and should I translate it more directly (put the English in parenthesis for example)?

Genre: Paranormal

Winning Comment:

In the first line, 'to put in some hours in over the weekend' , you have two prepositions together, 'in' and 'over'.

"It was next to impossible to go through an entire workday..." This sentence is too long. At least place commas after 'him', 'secretary', and 'Ginette'. That will give it an illusion of being short. Like if I said, " I like that guy, he has always been by my side, and yet doesn't make me feel claustrophobic, rather, he makes me feel needed and wanted." See how long it is, and if I don't use the commas here, this will be a hefty task to read, isn't it?

"I don't think she meant it" Add a 'had' before 'meant'. This is Past Perfect, babe."

Marie listened to a lot of pop-style ballads when she broke up with her boyfriend Marc" add a comma before and after Marc (this is extremely trivial)

"I liked Marc. He was a good guy" There is a clutter of phrasal short sentences around this part. Try clubbing it using conjunctions or commas 'I liked Marc, he was a good guy."

"Don't you want to move in your own apartment?.." I think if you italicize 'own' instead of 'want', it would enhance the readability.

"When I told my parents I was moving in with Marie they were ecstatic" add a comma after 'Marie'(again, a trivial edit)

"Its simple mom and dad, we are both attracted to men" This is Stewart's thought. Don't you think it would be better if its italicized or put into quotes?

"We are better as friends" I think you can add an 'off' after 'better' (it would harm if you don't, just me being in the mood today ;))

"That put him at somewhere around my middle- chest" You can do without 'middle' or 'chest', and 'at'.

" I paused my with my pen..." There's something wrong with this sentence. I think there would've been a word after 'my'.

After you go full fledged with your dialogues, the readers would be too engrossed to notice any mistakes. And this is where I wouldn't mind you spelling 'soul' as 'sole'. This is a huge feat, hence doesn't deserve any critique in my opinion.