A/N: Thank you all so much for the comments and likes. I worked really, really hard on this chapter, and many tears were shed during my time writing it. Thank you so much @Depecher for all your help. Especially when I needed a laugh. Hope you have tissues handy. Enjoy!
My feet hit the pavement hard as I run toward the hospital doors. The moment I knew where she was taken, I sped here, not caring if I was pulled over. A sort of mantra is running through my head right now. The same phrases over and over. 'Please God no! Anyone but her! Please! You have only just started making up for my childhood by bringing her into my life! You can't take her away now!'
I nearly slam my body into the slow automatic doors, attempting to get to her. I skid to a stop in front of the receptionist, slamming my hands on the counter. She can clearly see that I'm upset, and leans back in her chair. "Tris." I shake my head remembering they probably don't have her under that name. "I mean Beatrice Prior! Where is she?" I demand. My breathing is erratic, making it difficult to talk, but it's not from the running. I am so close to tipping over the edge of insanity. I can't do it here though. Not now. Not yet.
The woman starts typing on the computer, stealing glances at me to make sure I don't jump over the counter to hurt her. "She's still in surgery right now. There's a waiting area on the third floor, second door on the left when you get off the elevators." She gestures toward a hallway to the right with elevators, a look of relief crosses her face as I begin running toward the them.
A small amount of hope blossoms in my chest at the woman's words. If she's in surgery, then she's still alive. I bolt down the hall that the receptionist indicated and jam my thumb on the button, waiting. "Fuck." I mumble. I can't wait here. I need action. I turn my head and see the sign for the stairs and run toward the door. I pull it open and begin taking stairs two at a time. I need to keep moving. I can't stop. If I stop, I'll hear her screams again, and again.
I come out on the third floor, and start jogging toward the waiting area. I look around, trying to see if I recognize anyone here. They might know what happened. Be able to tell me that this is all some huge mistake or sick joke.
My eyes land on Andrew, who's close to the windows. His elbows rest on his knees, his hands are laced together, pressed to his forehead, his eyes closed. He appears to be in silent prayer.
"Andrew!" I don't mean to be as loud as I am, but I'm having difficulty controlling my volume right now. I can almost hear the echo of her scream in my ears just standing here. His head snaps up as he sees me standing in the doorway. He quickly stands, coming over to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder, steering me away from the waiting room. I can only assume so that we don't disturb the other families. Many heads are turning in my direction; some have knowing looks on their faces, like they have some idea of what I'm going through. They can't possibly know what I'm feeling.
He continues to guide me further down the hall, but he doesn't say anything. I can't take this anymore, I need to know what is going on. I need to know what happened to Tris. The only information I got was a text from Tori saying Tris had been taken here. Any attempt I made to call her was sent to voicemail. I turn around, stopping in front of Andrew. "What is going on?" I demand.
Andrew holds my gaze, though he appears much older than he actually is. This is clearly taking its toll on him worrying about the fate of his daughter. "Beatrice is in surgery right now..."
"I got that!" I snap. I look down at the floor, running my shaking hands through my hair. I look back up into his face, expecting anger, but all I see is worry. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."
His eyes soften. "It's ok Tobias. I know you're upset. We all are." He takes a deep breath in, looking down as a tear begins to roll down his cheek, continuing, "There was a disgruntled family member at Beatrice's work looking for her. He apparently wanted to blame someone for the death of his grandfather." He takes another shaky breath in, his voice coming out almost a croak. "Tori said Beatrice told everyone to go out the window to escape. She told Tori she would be the only one that stood a chance to stop the guy. She...she was able to knock him unconscious, but not before he managed to shoot her in the shoulder and stab her in the leg during the struggle. She's lost a lot of blood according to the doctors. They are having to repair her leg and remove the bullet that was lodged in her shoulder."
My blood feels cold as each of his words sinks into my brain. Andrew's story now fits with the sounds I heard on the phone. Tethered to my desk, I listened in horror to the sounds that will forever be branded inside my head. I screamed into the phone for Tris to answer; hoping to hear her. It was the worst kind of torture I have ever experienced.
I can still hear her frantic muffled voice and the sound of footsteps. I can hear the guy's muffled voice as he taunted her. I can hear the static of the gun fire ringing in my ear. The endless silence, hoping for some kind of indication that she was ok. The gun firing again and how he probably hit her that time. The guy's howl of pain. Her screams as he probably stabbed her. How he yelled at her, but then a shriek of pain from him. Then I heard nothing.
I look down, as I feel a tear begin to fall. "I heard her screaming." I say barely above a whisper.
Andrew pauses, clearly shocked. "What?"
I can't look him in the eyes right now. I broke my promise to her. The guilt and pain I've been holding back surges through me that I wasn't there to protect her, making the tears fall faster. She was worried this morning, and I reassured her that nothing was going to happen to me or Zoe. It turned out she was the one I needed to worry about.
"I heard her scream on the phone. I think she was about to call me on her lunch break when the guy attacked the building." I take a shuddering breathe in. Unable to stop the flow of tears. My voice breaking on my words, "She must not have hung up. I heard the gun fire and her screams the most clearly."
Andrew suddenly pulls me into a fierce hug, and what little resolve I have left is gone. I start sobbing into his shoulder, gripping him for support. I'm scared of losing Tris. Hearing her screams, knowing how much pain she was in, and being told how many lives she saved today because she selflessly put herself in harm's way was enough to send me into a deep pit of despair. But now that I'm being hugged by her father, it's proving to be too much.
He continues to hold me, not saying anything. I find my voice suddenly being held like this. By someone who has shown me what a father should be. "Andrew, I was going to call you this weekend. I was going to ask you for her hand." I begin shaking at my words, afraid I will never have the future I so badly want. "I was also going to ask you if I could adopt Zoe. I've been looking into what was required to start that process. I didn't want to be a step-father. I wanted her to have a father again." My head is spinning, as I feel myself tip toward the abyss of hopelessness. "I couldn't protect her, Andrew! I promised to take care of her, and I didn't. I can't lose her! I'm so sorry."
I lose the ability to speak after that, the sobbing starting again. The only thing he does is hold me tighter, just comforting me. Andrew pulls back after a few minutes, placing his hands on my shoulders, "Tobias, this is not your fault in the slightest. You did nothing wrong. If I know my daughter at all, she is fighting hard right now. She wouldn't give up on life that easily, especially when she has Zoe and you. You gave her everything she needed to protect herself. It could have been so much worse. She saved so many people." Tears continue falling down his face as he smiles weakly, "I would be happy to have you as a son. I know you will protect both my girls. I couldn't ask for someone better than you. You have my blessing."
**********
It's been an hour, and still no word. I'm losing my mind right now. Every second that passes is a life time. Each minute is an eternity. I've taken to pacing the halls, sticking my head into the waiting room with each pass, but now I sit in the floor, unable to take the endless movement.
Several of Tris' workmates and Tori showed up after they talked to the police about what had happened. Tori gave me a recount of everything that happened, but it only makes me feel worse. To know that she was selfless to the point of sacrificing herself to save so many others she barely knew, hurts me. I'm angry at her right now. I wanted her to be selfish and save herself. To be with me. And if not with me, then at least Zoe.
I feel someone slide down the wall, sitting next to me. I don't turn my head, but I know who it is when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Zeke doesn't say anything, but just continues to sit there, attempting to comfort me with silence. Even though he has seen me in some dark places in my life, and was a great comfort then. I want to be alone. I really can't deal with the raging storm of emotions that is going through me right now. Knowing that my life with Tris could be slip through my fingers at any second. Making the hurt and fear surge through me yet again.
I finally turn to him, "Do you think you could stay with Christina? She's watching Zoe since Natalie and Caleb are here. She'll need some help keeping her from panicking about her mom." I can't bring myself to say Tris' name out loud, or I'm going to lose it again like I did with Andrew.
Zeke looks at me, one of the few times I've seen him truly serious. "I would be happy to, man. I'll bring Uriah with me, just in case Christina needs a moment." He stands to go, "Tris will be ok. She's truly a fighter, Four. She brings out something in you that no one has, and I just can't see her giving up." He stands, sensing I'm not going to add anything. "Call me if you need me to come back ok?"
I just nod my head, looking at my hands, hearing Zeke's retreating footsteps. I'm glad Christina is watching Zoe; I really don't think I could comfort her right now even if I tried. Zoe needs people that can keep her calm, since this is no doubt bringing back memories of her dying father. I'm completely useless right now.
**********
It's been hours now. The sky starting to darken outside, indicating the passage of time. I know the surgery is probably complicated, but I'm going crazy. Why can't they update us? I've been alternating between pacing and sitting, unable to find comfort in either activity. I lean against a wall after my tenth lap down the hall, looking up at the ceiling.
Memories of the past year have been going through my head all afternoon. When we first met, how her body curled into mine when she fell asleep on the couch, the many nights we spent on the phone talking, our first date, the way her lips felt on mine the first time we kissed, meeting Zoe, revealing my past, telling her I loved her, the first time we made love, and everything in between. Her scream of pain, keeps punctuating each memory, causing pain to rip through my chest.
I've had scars in my life. Not just the ones on my back, but deep ones that I thought would never truly heal. But Tris was able to heal them with one smile, one touch, one kiss. I thought I would live with that deep ache forever. I had even grown used to it, almost being able to ignore it at times. She was able to rid me of that pain with just her presence, and my body became weak with relief when she was near. I don't know what will be left behind of me if I lose her.
I slide down the wall, running my fingers through my hair. What will I do if she doesn't make it? How will I live my life? I press my palms into my eyes, trying not to have another breakdown like I did with Andrew earlier. She has to pull through. I can't lose her. I won't survive the pain that the loss of her will bring.
I hear the sound of feet running down the hall coming towards me. My head snaps up seeing Natalie, tears streaming down her face, "Tobias! Tobias!" My stomach seems to fall through the floor as I see the tears. I stand up, unsure if I can step forward or not. The wall seems to be the only thing supporting me right now. Natalie stops in front of me, breathless, but there is a small smile on her face. "She's out of surgery. They think she's going to be ok."
I grip the railing on the wall, unsure if I heard correctly. My voice is a whisper, "She is?"
Natalie nods her head. I grip the handle harder, leaning over, my other hand holding my knee for support. Breathing in a shaky breath. Relief floods through my body making me feel weak and unsteady. She places a gentle hand on my shoulder. "They tried waking her in recovery, but they weren't successful. That's what's been taking so long. They have her in ICU right now." She squeezes my shoulder, her voice breaking slightly, "Would you like to go see her?"
I stand straight, my eyes almost wide with anticipation. "Take me to her. Please."
Natalie begins leading me down the hall past the waiting area, "They don't think she's in a coma, but they have her in there as a precaution. They think because of her slight build and the blood loss, she's just taking longer than most to recover. When she wakes up, they said they would move her to another room." She pauses, then adds, "Andrew and I thought you should be the first one to see her." I smile weakly at her, hoping what she is saying is true.
She turns toward me, just before a door that reads ICU. "Andrew just told me that you asked him for Beatrice's hand. I'm so happy for the two of you. I'm so glad you found each other. You have brought so much happiness to her. To our whole family." She leans forward to hug me briefly. She pulls back, "We'll be down the hall, ok?"
I nod my head, walking through the door to the glass window. The woman on the other side looks up from her computer, "I'm here to see Beatrice Prior." The woman nods her head, "She's in room 107." She presses a button under her desk, and the door next to the window swings open.
The rooms in here are not typical hospital rooms that I've seen. There is no privacy. There is a glass wall so the nurses can check on the patients without even having to open their doors. Each patient that I pass seems to be worse than the next. Tris' room is right in front of the nurses' station. I freeze when I look through the window.
I almost can't comprehend what I'm seeing, my heart breaking at the sight of her. Tris has tubes and wires sticking out of her everywhere. She has bandages over her shoulder, arm, and part of her chest that I can see through the holes in her hospital gown. Her left arm is in some kind of sling that is strapped around her body to keep it still. There is an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. Her right leg is covered in bandages, resting on pillows. I'm terrified my presence alone is going to cause her more pain, and continue to stand in front of the window unsure what to do.
"It's ok. You aren't going to hurt her." I whip around to the nurse sitting at the desk. She gives me a small smile. "Just be gentle."
I nod my head, not sure what to say. I walk the few steps to the door, remaining in the doorway. I hear the heart monitor beeping out a steady rhythm, and I let out a shuttering breathe. I see a chair next to the bed and walk over, pulling it around quietly so I'm facing her. I sit down, and gently take her hand in mine, being careful of her IV. Her hand doesn't hold its normal warmth.
"Tris?" My voice cracks. I swallow trying to hold myself together. "I'm so, so sorry I wasn't there to protect you." I swallow again, but the tears have started once again. "You are the light in my life. I love you so much. I can't see my life without you. Please don't leave me. You are what is good and beautiful in this world. In my world."
I can't talk anymore. I lay my face in the blankets trying to muffle the tears. The world is so cruel sometimes. 'Why her? She is pure! She is perfect! Why would someone do this to her?' I need to know that she is ok. Seeing her like this isn't helping reassure me that she is. I want to see her eyes. I want to hear her voice. I don't want her scream to be the last thing I ever hear.
I hear a small, slurred sounding, "Tobias?" I sit up quickly, not believing what I just heard. "Tris?" Her eyes are still closed, but her mouth moves again, mumbling out a small croaky, "Tobias."
'Thank you God. Thank you.' I desperately want to hold her, just to make sure I'm not imagining things, but I hold back. She is so fragile right now. I don't want to hurt her more. I gently squeeze her hand, letting her know I'm here. Her head turns slightly toward me, her eyes opening slowly. "Oh God Tris. I thought I lost you." My voice is raspy.
She's still groggy from the surgery and pain killers. She gently licks her chapped lips, trying to talk. She then mumbles out a, "I love you Tobias." Tears leaking out of her eyes.
I stand up, gently wiping away her tears with a shaking hand. I whisper in her ear, "I love you so much Tris." Then gently place a kiss on her forehead.
She weakly grips my hand, not quite able to focus on me yet. She mumbles, "I really want to kiss you right now."
I pull back, smiling. "I really don't want to hurt you."
Her eyes lock with mine finally, and she smiles weakly, her words coming out the strongest I've heard yet. "You won't Tobias. You never have. You never will."