Returning home, Stevie sat in the drive with Roger, not saying a word, staring ahead at his headlights hitting against a few bushes. "I don't think you should come inside," she finally spoke, Roger turning off the car as he looked at her shocked. "I know that you are disappointed but I don't want you here when he gets back, I don't want anymore trouble, and he's not himself."
"What is this sudden urge to be his best friend?"
Turning her head, she spoke, "He is my best friend."
"What does that make me?"
"My boyfriend."
"Stev -"
"No, Roger, he's a mess and if I don't help him then he is going to just dig himself a bigger hole. Don't you get it? Lindsey is not a violent person, he's very confused and how would you feel if your wife of seventeen years divorced you? He's a man that enjoys having a family, being in a family, he's out of place and I have to fix this for him before it's too late."
"Can I least walk you to the door?"
"That'll only lead to a plan to get inside, Roger, I won't play that right now. Go take care of your business and I will call you tomorrow," opening the car door as it dinged, stepping out as she closed the door behind her. Roger didn't even wait till she got inside.
Scooping up her Yorkie, Stevie trailed up the staircase, showering and slipping on her robe. She didn't even bother with the nightgown, wanting a bit of Lindsey's attention as she thought through everything that she should tell him. What was it about the two of them to always ignore this subject? They'd confessed so much love in those fifty years and still they were not capable of bringing themselves together? It drove Stevie mad as she brushed the ends of her hair, placing the brush down while staring at herself in the mirror.
"What's your problem, Stevie? Why do you do this to yourself?" leaning her elbows on to the vanity and placing her fingers together to rest against her lips. This shouldn't be this hard.
***
Lindsey slowly walked with his hands in his pockets, walking up the street that would lead to Stevie's home, praying that Roger would not be there when he returned. His thoughts were of disappointment and loss, kicking himself for allowing to be arrested. What would that show on his record now with trying to win custody of his kids? What he'd done was made things even worse than they were and how could Stevie see through this? Lindsey feared that now not only did he lose his children but Stevie as well.
Reaching her gate, his prayer was answered, Roger's car no where in sight, feeling a huge weight off his shoulders as he walked up the drive. His first instinct was to run in to that house, pull her in to his arms, then show her everything that he desired but how would she react? Or, how would his body react? Stevie deserved way more than he could ever offer.
With a gentle close of the door, Lindsey removed his shoes and jacket, placing down his keys to head towards the kitchen to quench his undying thirst. It was a relief to feel the cool sensation of water hit his throat, tossing the empty bottle in to the recycling bin then turning to face Stevie. His eyes took in her beauty, long blonde hair up in a messy bun, wearing what looked to be nothing but that silk robe again.
"How was your walk?" crossing her arms over her chest.
"Nice. The air has cooled, woke me up quite a bit."
She nodded. "Lindsey, what caused you to act up like that?"
Here we go, he thought. "Stevie," taking a few steps towards her, "...I came home earlier because a friend of mine kicked me in the ass - not literally but figuratively, pointing out that I had to step up my game if I wanted..." shifting nervously, "...you back."
Her heart fluttered, laying her hands down at her sides. "You, what?"
"I was filled with adrenaline and I didn't think, opening your door then seeing you with him... It killed me, broke me apart to know that I cannot be him. That I cannot love you in the way he can and that I cannot make up all the years we lost. I've let the most incredible woman in the world go and now her interests are on someone else, someone that I can't even compare to. I was about to let all of it out, tell you what I was feeling, wanting, but then reality hit me as I saw you..." taking one of her hands and watching as their fingers linked, "...being pleasured, making love, crying out his name. But now as I struggle to perform properly, I'd never make you happy, and I want you to be happy. I want Roger to give you what I cannot but I'm jealous, so jealous of him and I wanted to make him hurt just as much as he did me. That's why I rebelled but now I'm only making my other problems worse, having a dent in my record for destruction of public property. How can I get custody of my children with what I've done? Karma really knows who to hit and when but maybe I deserve this, deserve to suffer the way I obviously made you. God, I never wanted to leave you back then - I wanted you more than anything in the world, child or not! My instincts had forced me to marry Kristen, though it hurt the real woman that I loved."
The tears escaped her eyes, hearing all of what he's been hiding, what he had been afraid to tell her. Stevie had let him go years ago, seeing that his marriage would never crumble - that they would never get that chance to once again be together, thinking it was too late! Then he was back in to her life so quickly and she was finding love again, believing that was a lost cause as well, now having to play with not only two men's hearts but her own as well!
"I don't expect you to return the gesture, to reciprocate the love that I have never lost, but there was no way I could keep going with out telling you the reasons to why I acted out tonight. I'm so sorry for being immature," a hand to his chest, "...for going out of my way to destroy a fellow producer's studio, for walking in on you while at your most intimate, and sorry that this came too late. Roger is who I wish I could be; to hold you, kiss you, make love to you whenever you asked for it. I'd sacrifice myself over and over again to be with you and tomorrow I've decided to start searching for a new place, to get out of your hair, to move on from what I know can never be." Lindsey was almost in tears now, fighting the urge to touch her but failing as his fingers grazed her lips, rubbing his knuckles against her soft white cheek. "You're so beautiful and I never fought hard enough and I'm sorry, sorry that you're angry now, unattracted to me - as I cannot blame you, I would be, too. I can't satisfy you even if I wanted to but please, I don't want to ever lose you, that connection that we have - I will support you for the rest of my life, even if that means losing you romantically to another."
As if her voice was not in her control, Stevie couldn't even speak, placing a hand to her throat as the tears stung her face. She turned to sob, crouching over with two hands on her stomach, shaking from head to toe.
"Steph," hands to her shoulders, kissing the back of her head, "...I am so sorry for everything that I've done to you, to make you think that I'd forgotten everything that we've had. You're all I've dreamed of, all I've wanted, and due to a little fvck up - I turned us to oblivion. If I could take back what happened in nineteen ninety-eight, I would, and I would be what Roger now is to you, except you are better off with him... as I can't love you fully."
"Stop..." gaining back her strength to speak. "Just stop, please, you're breaking my heart."
"Your heart does not have to break for me, I will be fine, I will recover."
"Dammit, Lindsey, will you just stop talking!" turning around while her body still shook.
He took a few steps back, nodding, Stevie unsure of even how to respond to this. It would be much easier if Roger was not in the picture but he was and though they had issues, mostly about Lindsey, she still loved him but was it the same kind of love she had for Lindsey? This was what she wanted, this is what she wanted to hear him confess but why was she now afraid to accept it?
"So, you are telling me right now that you are in love with me? That you want me as your girlfriend or giving me up?"
"Listen to me, Stephanie," taking both of her hands in his, "...I want you just to know that I fancy you, that I ache around you, but I'm not a full man anymore."
"Fvck, Lindsey, what kind of person do you take me for? Do you not realize the signals that I've shown you? Lindsey, I never went up in a helicopter or to a yacht for dinner that night - I wanted you to chase me, to come after me, to fight for me! I began to give up because you showed such little to no interest at all! I wore that pant suit for you... I did it all for you."
"What...?" taken aback while placing her hands to his chest. "You mean to tell me that you went through all of that trouble for my attention?"
"...yes..."
"I'm sorry, Stevie, I thought you were generally happy with Roger."
"I am happy with Roger, Lindsey, but you have been showing such kindness - you've been so protective that I didn't think I'd ever see that from you again. You kissed me and I wanted so much more from that kiss! Everything you've shared with me this last month, you are different...so different," holding his face.
"I wanted to take you away from him, to give you all that I have, but how? How can I do that now when I...I can't?"
"What is it that you think you can't do for me? You keep confessing your love but then you pull back! What are you denying yourself?"
"The main part that makes me a man has almost diminished. You know exatly what I am talking about and you know it."
"If you're talking about your sex drive or your "problem," how could you think for a second that that would matter to me?"
"This has done damage for me, Stevie, and it hurts. I want to be close and my brain just can't connect. Wouldn't you rather have a man that can give you that?"
"Jesus, Lindsey, you shouldn't think for a second that that would bother me. I don't need sex the way you believe and it's Roger that pushes me in to it! I don't like to show him my body and I was ashamed of it, wanting to go through with the plastic surgery until...well, until you told me I was beautiful. It was different hearing it from you, that you were the only one's opinion that mattered, and that's when I knew..."
"Knew what?"
"That I still loved you."
"You mean to tell me that after I told you the reason I was divorced, that you still loved me?"
"Again, you must not know the type of person that I am... God, Linds, I'm not perfect and I don't expect you to be and you shouldn't be divorced over the fact. The way you make me feel is absoutely incredible and not even Roger can do that."
"I - I don't know what to say, I was not expecting you to reciprocate this..."
"But you're wrong...So wrong..." tips of her fingers running against his cheek bones.
"What are you saying then?" holding her wrists.
"I'm saying that I want you to kiss me."
Touching her bottom lip, Lindsey leaned in, taking her soft pink lips to mesh against his. He breathed in the oxygen from her breath, as if consuming her soul, opening mouths to devour the others tongue. "You feel so amazing," speaking against her lips as his hands gripped her hips, cupping the bottom of her butt in his hands, pushing her further against him. "I love the way you taste," tongue gliding against her lower lip.
Stevie's arousal was obvious, the way her skin turned a bright shade of pink, chest rising and falling as her hips grinding against his. "You have no idea how you make me feel..." pressing her hands to his chest, rubbing him with her palms. "Come to bed with me..." whispering with her breasts pushed up against him, popping out from her robe. "I want this, Lindsey," pulling at his hands as she stepped backwards.
"I don't know what it is that you think I can give..."
"But you're wrong... You can touch me... and I want you to," undoing her hair as it fell against her shoulders in a beautiful wave of gold.
Every part of his body tingled, a sheet of sweat soaking through his clothes as he listened to her beg for his touch. He was so indifferent over this, wanting her but knowing there'd be a wall dividing them.
"All I want is your body next to mine... " opening her robe as her breasts suddenly became visible, touching herself while rubbing her palms against her hardened nipples. "Tell me I'm beautiful, Lindsey."
"Fvck, you are more than that."
"Come to me, Lindsey," holding out her arms.
Closing his eyes, he didn't know what to do, knowing she did not belong to him - all these years her never once coming in between him and his wife!
"Why are you so hesitant...?" dropping her hands at her sides.
"I can't."
"Why? Why can't you?! I asked you to, I want you to! What else more could you ask for?!"
"Because I'll want to make love to you and I can't! I can't fvck you, Stevie!"
Shaking her head, she was willing to do everything in her power to get him to understand. "Lindsey, don't you get it...? You can fvck me..." holding up his hand. "You just have to use your imagination."
Entering Lindsey's room, as he refused to be in the same bed that she'd occupied with Roger, she locked the door and let her robe fall to the floor. Lindsey just about fell to his knees, watching her naked body glide across the carpet in front of him, brushing the hair from her shoulders to get a better look. "I can't even remember you being this beautiful... " one hand turning to caress a breast with his knuckles, eventually cupping both as her head bent backwards, his thumbs igniting a pressure to her nipples.
"Don't hold back a thing, Lindsey," breathing heavily as she yanked his shirt over his head, pushing him down on to the bed as she straddled. "Give me your hand," placing it between them as if his member, positioning his fingers properly as she mounted, moving slow and steady. Stevie gasped as his thumb stretched the hood of her clit, feeling the intensity while he stared in admiration, his other hand on a breast to stimulate her farther. "Kiss me," leaning forwards as she gave him her lips, biting down on his as she covered his fingers in the substance from her arousal. "That feels so good...so perfect..."
"You're a Goddess..."
"Will you taste me?" pressing the tip of her nose to his. "Would you like to?"
Nodding his head, he was in a daze, lips parted as he watched her lay her body down next to his, rolling on top of her while pinning her hands to the bed. "I'd be honored to taste you, Nicks," licking the side of her face then taking her mouth again in a feisty kiss, both opening their mouths to the point their jaws may crack.
Lindsey made wet kisses down her neck to her breasts, biting down on the undercurves then sucking each pointed tip, opening her thighs to once again touch her. He smiled at her reaction, jolting with a groan as he then grazed her stomach with his teeth, smelling the sweat from her dripping crevice while trailing the edges with his tongue. "Oh, Lindsey, fvck!" propping up her feet as she thrusted herself towards his face, taking hold of his curly head.
Spreading her far and wide, he examined her like an OBGYN, feeling her tigthen around his index finger as he pressed down against her walls. Stevie cried out once he pinched the top and bottom of her slit, working her with his tongue as she dug her nails in to his shoulders, humping upwards to show just how good he was. Lindsey finished her off while banging his fingers in and out at a fast vigorous pace, hand slapping against her folds as she arched with a wail, screaming out his name in ectasy while he slowed down the pace to accommodate her comfort.
From habit, Lindsey began undoing his belt buckle, unzipping his pants but feeling nothing but a slight hardness. That is what ruined it for him, pulling and tugging at his own genitals to force an erection, Stevie watching in horror as he became irrational. "Stop..." one hand wrapping around his wrist, "...you're going to hurt yourself."
Giving up, he sobbed, literally embarrassed with shame as he sat on the edge of the bed, Stevie's heart heavy with sympathy as she began massaging his back. "I want you so bad, Stevie, so bad... My heart is in it and my mind tells me that I must have you but I'm not making a connection..."
"God, Linds, stop! You can't keep doing this to yourself! I enjoyed every bit of you all over me! There's more to us than just that," squeezing his shoulders.
"You don't get it, Stephanie!" turning his head around to face her. "I'm a man! This is my pride!" gesturing towards his member. "It's easy for a woman to lube up but that's not the issue here!"
Kissing his shoulder, Stevie laid her face against him, wrapping her arms around his middle as she consoled him in the best way she knew how. "You're forgetting one thing..."
"And what's that...?"
"I love you all the same," tracing his spine with her fingers. "You're still every bit of a man to me..."
"But you deserve so much more."
"Maybe you are all the more I need."
"Jesus, Steph," hand on his forehead, "...it's just not as easy for me to accept as you."
"Let me love you for who you are, I know I can."
"But what happens when you have that urge, that urge to make love - what will you do then when my hands are not enough?"
"You have but little faith," one hand running over the back of his head.
"My love for you is so strong and to struggle like this is unexplainable, unfathomable!"
"I felt every bit of your love," standing up on her knees as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"But it's different."
"It may be but it was still done, still expressed whether you believe it or not, and I enjoyed it. You felt it, you felt me, and you know it."
His hands ran against her arms, leaning his head back in to her. "I just want to give you all of me."
"And you do, you have, you can," hand on his chest. "Everything that you give is all from here," patting against his heart.
Kissing her hand, Lindsey couldn't stop from crying, curling up with her on the bed as he wanted nothing more than to have her close. This could be a new step for them but was he willing to accept the reality of his declining libido?