A/N: Thank you for everyone that is reading, liking, and commenting on my story. I read everyone's comments and really enjoy hearing from everyone. This chapter was pretty hard to write, but hopefully you'll understand why. Thank you and enjoy!
I glance at the clock, and then return my gaze to the ceiling, watching the shadows slowly creep overhead. I might have gotten a couple of hours of sleep tonight. I haven't slept this poorly in a long time. Ever since I met Tobias my nightmares have all but disappeared. Something about him has kept my nightmares at bay these past months. But not tonight. My nightmares returned in full force, being the most vivid and disturbing I've experienced in a long time.
I woke in a cold sweat, feeling my heart nearly beat out of my chest, as I tried desperately not to scream as the images of my dream remained imbedded in my memory. I briefly thought about calling Tobias, just to hear his voice, in hopes to rid my mind of the disturbing images, but I know he would drive over here just to comfort me. I've lost all hope of gaining any more sleep tonight, and I'll be damned if anyone else loses theirs because of me, especially him.
I breathe in deeply, letting air fill my lungs to the point where it's almost painful, then let it out slowly, running my fingers through my hair. It's been two years. So much of my life has changed in that time. When I felt the life leave Matthew, I thought he had taken with him any hope that I would ever find happiness again. I thought I would live alone for the rest of my life with only our memories together for comfort. I thought Matthew was it for me.
I feel the tears begin to slowly run down my cheeks without my permission, as I take in another shaky breath. I never thought anyone would ever even consider someone like me romantically ever again. I felt my fate was sealed. I'm not what most men would consider pretty. I am plain at best, and completely blend into the background. Trying to find a decent date in my thirties would be difficult right now, but with a child added to that mix, most men would run away screaming. Not wanting to come near that kind of responsibility. But somehow, miraculously, I found a man that thinks I'm beautiful, that loves me, and is great with Zoe.
I loved Matthew so much, but I love Tobias too. I know Matthew and I had the conversation about me moving on after him, but something in me just wants some sign that Matthew is ok with Tobias. That Tobias is not only good for me, but for Zoe too.
Thoughts that I have been suppressing for months start to swirl around my mind, but I push them aside. I can't think about them right now. Not with Zoe in the house. I know I need to face them, but I just can't right now. I really can't talk about this with Tobias either. I know he would probably be a great comfort, but something always holds me back. I really want him to continue to think that my birthday is worth celebrating, and not know how truly fucked up it really is. Tobias has been so patient in that he hasn't asked me to divulge the details about Matthews death, but I know Tobias is holding back on telling me all the details of his past too.
Tobias hasn't really spoken of his family since the night of our first date, especially his father. I know there has to be more concerning the abuse, but I'm not going to bring it up. I've seen something stir behind his eyes when I make a comment about my childhood or parents, but usually before I can place what it is, it's gone. I hope he will trust me enough in the future to tell me of his horrors, but I know it will be a long time before that happens. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready to burden him with my grief and turmoil either. He has enough in his past that he deals with.
I feel more tears slide down my cheeks, my hands shaking against the blanket. I wipe the tears away in frustration, throwing my hands back down. I want Tobias' arms around me for comfort, but I need to do this by myself today. I know this is going to be hell later, but I need to do it. I need to make it through this day by myself, so I can pretend to be happy tonight when everyone else wants to celebrate.
I hear the door knob turn, and freeze. Zoe's small voice comes from the door, "Mom?"
I clear my throat, hoping that I can disguise the fact that I've been crying, "Yes, Zoe?" My voice comes out rough, but thankfully it just sounds like I've just woken up.
"Can I come lay down with you?" Her voice barely above a whisper.
I smile, "Of course."
I hear her come over to the bed, and I pull the blanket back so she can snuggle close to me. I wrap my arms around her tiny frame, kissing her forehead. She's quiet for a moment before softly saying, "I miss Daddy."
I pull her closer to me, "I know you do. I miss him too."
She buries her head into my neck, "Do I have to go to school today?"
I think for a moment. I know she probably wants comfort from me today, and I would honestly give it to her any other day, but I need to be by myself today. As much as it pains me to say that to her. "Tell you what. Since I took today off, why don't we go get some breakfast, then we'll go put some flowers on Dad's grave, and then I'll take you in later. Ok?"
I feel a tear hit my chest. Zoe's voice is higher than normal, "Ok."
I begin stroking her hair, trying to soothe both of us. This day is so hard. Not only for me, but for her. I know she misses her father, but I don't know if she is able to fully comprehend right now everything he will miss in her life.
Matthew will never be there to teach her how to drive a car, see her off on her first date, see her graduate, or walk her down the aisle. My chest feels tight from trying not to sob at the milestones in Zoe's life Matthew will miss. My chest becomes tight, making it difficult to breath as I try not to sob. "Mom?"
I don't trust myself to say anything, "Hmm?"
"Do you love Tobias more than Dad?"
Oh God! I feel as if my heart as stopped. I was hoping she would never ask this question. I don't know what to say. What do I tell her? I clear my throat, giving myself some time to try and get the right words out. "Zoe...I loved your Dad very much. I was so, so sad when he passed away. I will never stop loving him. He gave me you, and you are so very precious to me. I see him in you every day." I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "The way I feel about Tobias is still new. We've only been dating a few months, but I do know that I love him. And my love for him is just different. It's not that I love him more than your Dad or less than your Dad. My heart has just made more room for him too."
Zoe is silent for a few minutes, taking in my words. I feel her tears on my chest. I don't say anything yet; I will wait till she is ready. This is the best I can do for her right now. I don't need to discuss how much turmoil is actually going through me right now. I need to be alone for that.
"Mom...are you going to marry him?"
I smile into her hair, "Oh Zoe honey, I don't know. Let's take one day at a time for now. Trust me when I say marriage is something we will be taking very seriously, and you will be involved in that decision too."
She nods her head, breathing in a shaky breath. I feel her tears still hitting my chest and continue to stroke her hair. Trying to calm her down. When she doesn't say anything for a while, I think we are done, when Zoe suddenly says, "I like him Mom. I would be ok if you decide to marry him. He makes me feel safe." Her voice almost free of grief.
I can almost feel my soul breaking at her words. I can't stop the tears that fall into her hair. My daughter has basically given me her blessing for Tobias. Wasn't I just asking that I wanted a sign from Matthew that he was ok with Tobias watching over her? My daughter just delivered half of what I asked Matthew for. That he is ok with Tobias taking care of our daughter. But then the much more difficult questions start pushing harder on my mind, demanding my attention, but I push them back again. I can't have this conversation with my daughter anymore. I can't. I will be a complete mess if I continue. I am the one that needs to comfort her, not the other way around right now.
I take in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying to stop the tears. I try to smile, keeping my voice light, "So where should we go for breakfast? We can go anywhere you want."
**********
After dropping off Zoe at school, I head back to Matthew's grave. I park my car, and start looking in my purse for my phone to make sure no one has called. After my hand circles round for the fourth time, I dump the contents in the seat, huffing out in frustration. It's not there.
I lean my head back against the head rest and think back to the last time I had it. I texted Tobias back this morning that I loved him, then set the phone on the table. I bet it's still there. Today has me so scatter brained; it's a wonder I didn't have a wreck coming back here. I sigh, putting everything back in my purse. I hopefully won't be too long. I doubt anyone will call until this afternoon. Tobias said he was going to try and get off work by three, but wasn't hopeful since they had a big project they were working on. I don't think I'll be here till three, it's only nine now.
I get out and walk over to Matthew's grave. It's a gloomy sort of day, chilly, with a light breeze. I pull my jacket closer around me as I get to his marker. I just need some time with Matthew privately. I need to let the thoughts I've had for the past few months come out. I need to face them. "Be brave Tris." I whisper.
I stand there looking at the words on his grave, running my hands over the cold stone. My fingertips brush along the engraved letters, feeling the stone morph between smooth and rough. My fingers steadily growing colder the longer I touch it. Almost as if the stone is trying to pull what happiness I have gained over the last months through my hands, attempting to push me back into the depths of my previous grief.
I'm not sure how long I stand there reading the words, touching each letter slowly. Taking in the smell of the flowers Zoe and I placed on his grave earlier. Feeling the bite of the cool air against my exposed skin. I let the thoughts and questions I have been keeping at bay for months' crash through me. Each one is like a hard punch to the chest. Taking my breath away each time.
Tears started some time ago, but I finally manage to find my voice, "Matthew...I know you said you wanted me to move on. That I should find someone that not only cared for me, but also for Zoe." I pause, brushing the hair out of my face. "I feel that Tobias might be that man you wanted me to find." A sob comes out, and I have to cover my mouth to stifle the next one. I breathe in deeply, steadying my voice. "I'm scared though." I pause trying not to completely break down before I can say the rest. I can feel myself losing all self-control, but I need to say this. "I'm scared I'm forgetting you. I'm scared that I really love this man. I'm mostly scared because I'm not entirely sure if I had met Tobias first, if I would have picked you."
I fall to my knees at my confession. Gripping the cold stone, my forehead resting against his name. Sobs raking my body. I wrap my arms around my chest, trying for some form of self-comfort. I need to get this out though. "I know I will never truly forget you, and I will never be able to stop loving you. You gave me so much when you were here." A new round of sobs takes over, making it hard to breathe. It is so incredibly painful to say this, but I need to get it out. "I'm sorry. I just want to know that you are ok with this. Even if it does mean..." I can't finish the sentence as I am to near hysterics. Does he approve of someone that I just admitted I probably would have picked over him? Why does this have to be so fucking hard?! Why can't life be simple?!
I feel a warm hand touch my shoulder, but it doesn't scare me. I would know his warmth anywhere. I stand up, being pulled into his embrace, neither one of us say anything. Tobias gently strokes my hair, holding me close in his protective embrace, letting me ruin his shirt as more tears continue to fall. I'm not sure how long he has been standing there. I don't know how much he heard. I honestly don't care.
I take a shaky breath in after my sobs have finally started to subside, my voice muffled in his chest, "How did you know I was here?"
He continues to stroke my hair, his voice low, "I called you this morning, but you didn't answer. I took off today as a surprise, so I went by your house and saw that you weren't there, but I found your phone on the table. I figured you had probably gone out with Zoe, and then took her to school afterwards, so I waited." He pauses, taking a deep breath in. "When you didn't come back I started to get worried. I called Tori and Christina, but they weren't sure where you were. So I called your Dad and he figured you might have come here." I nod into his chest at his words, unable to speak. He buries his face into my hair, his voice almost a whisper, "It scared me when I couldn't find you. I thought something had happened." He pulls me tight to his chest. "I'm so glad you aren't hurt. That you're safe. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."
Something about his words pulls at my mind. Maybe this is Matthew's way of giving me his blessing. Maybe this is his way of him saying that he is ok with Tobias. Maybe this is his way of making up for breaking his promise two years ago. Maybe he sent me someone that he felt was worthy, and they unfortunately would have to have a greater pull for me to truly be able to move on from Matthew. Maybe he is just trying to say, 'Be happy Tris.'