Chapter Nine: Who's Zoomin' Who?
"Patient present with abdominal pain and blood in his urine. Once his work-up came back unrevealing, the urologist suggested a cystoscopy." Karev said as Burke has me use a scope to get a better look at the patient, the man's pregnant wife standing by his head.
"Reason?" Burke looked to me for an answer.
"To get a look inside the bladder." I answered without taking my eyes off the monitor.
"I appreciate you doing this, Preston." The patient, Bill, thanked the attending. "I know this is a little out of your field."
"It's not a problem." Burke assured him. "It gives my interns something to do."
"I have a feeling you keep them plenty busy." Bill gave a small chuckle. "We were in the same frat at Tulane. He's gone from torturing pledges to torturing interns. Am I right?"
"Be very careful how you two answer that." Burke warned Karev and I.
"I could tell some stories." Bill smirked.
"Bill, you have a camera snaking up your mojo." Burke reminded him before he could continue down memory lane. "It's not the time to cross me."
"It isn't anything too serious?" Bill's wife, Holly, asked.
"That's what this procedure will tell us." Burke told her. "You don't worry about anything but growing my godson in there."
"He kicks like you wouldn't believe." She informed him.
"Badass, just like his father." Burke said before looking at me. "Move a little to the right. Your other right. There."
"What do you see? What is it?" Bill asked him.
"Could be any number of things." Burke shook his head. "Watley, take a biopsy of the mass. Dr. Karev, schedule a CT. Let's not worry until we have to."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So, he's just gaining weight?" I raised a brow at Izzie as I walked with her to the hematology lab, not having much else to do until either Burke paged me of the results came in for the biopsy.
"Something's wrong with him." Izzie shook her head before handing the blood sample over to the man at the counter. "Franklin, Jordan. I need these back asap."
"Shocker." They guy rolled his eyes as Izzie and I spotted George.
"Hey, what did you get, something good?" Izzie asked him, taking the lab results from him before he could argue. "Syphilis?"
"That's not surgical." I pointed out.
"Who has syphilis?" Izzie asked him. George only frowned before he grabbed each of us by the arm, leading us into an empty room near us, closing the door and all the blinds so no one could see us inside. "You have syphilis?"
"I don't know how this happened." George shook his head.
"Sure you do, George." I smirked at him.
"God, Olivia must really be getting around." Izzie commented.
"Olivia? She's not like that." George defended the red headed nurse.
"It's a new millennium, George." Izzie told him. "The only people who aren't like that are the amish, Bethany, and, apparently, you."
"Thanks." I elbowed her in the side.
"You don't know. Neither of you do." George glared at us. "Maybe I've been sleeping around. Maybe I got ladies."
"Right." I drew the word out.
"Shut up." He told me. "What am I gonna do?"
"It's no biggie." Izzie shrugged. "A couple doses of penicillin will knock it right out."
"What am I gonna do about Olivia?" He shook his head.
"Well, for starters, stop sleeping with her." I advised him.
"Unless you want that thing to fall off." Izzie joked.
"Okay, that is twice that you have trash-talked the girl that I could on day potentially- well, not love, but like a whole lot."
"If she gave it to you, you have to tell her." Izzie told him.
"Three." George hissed.
"Fine." I sighed. "She didn't give it to you. She was a virgin when you met. Either way, you still have to tell her so she can get tested."
"Oh, yeah?" He scoffed. "How am I gonna tell her? 'Uh, hey, Olivia. How you doing? By the way, I got the syph. How about you?'"
"Well, maybe not quite like that." Izzie chuckled.
"No, it's good advice, really good advice." George's voice dripped of sarcasm as he headed out the door. "Thank you both very much."
"I guess it's a good thing we're not getting any, huh?" I commented, glancing at Izzie as she sipped at her coffee.
"I guess so." She nodded in agreement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I gotta say, I didn't think George had it in him." Karev told me as we waited for Bill's CT to end. "It's always the quiet ones. Do you know who the woman is?"
"It's not me, if that's what you're getting at." I shook my head.
"I wasn't, but now that you mention it." He smirked at me. "How about you and I go and get a drink later? Maybe I can see for myself?"
"You're disgusting." I sent him a glare.
"Seriously, who's the woman?" He asked.
"None of your business." I said as I watched the scans come up on the monitors. At what I saw I couldn't help but widen my eyes, shocked. "We better get Burke."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"There's definitely a growth protruding into the bladder, but look at the edges." Burke pointed out on the CT scan once we had found him. "I don't think it's a tumor."
"It's kind of shaped like an ovary." Karev commented.
"That the flip answer you're gonna give the patient, Dr. Karev?" Burke frowned at him, clearly not liking Karev's jokes. "This is one of my oldest friends. You might want to take this seriously."
"I'm sorry, sir." Karev apologized.
"You better be." Burke nodded.
"Dr. Burke, I have the rest of the labs back." I informed him as I handed him the labs. "They did a chromosome analysis of the tissue. You won't believe it."
"Bill has an ovary?" Burke read the results aloud before glancing into the next room where his friend was being helped out of the CT machine.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Do you think she's talking about me?" George asked Karev and I as we walked past Olivia's table to get to one of our own so we could eat our lunches.
"She's absolutely talking about you." Karev nodded. "Dude, that's a good thing."
"No. No, it's not." George shook his head as we sat down, joining Cristina and Izzie.
"Georgie, get a clue. Syphilis is the best thing that ever happened to you." Karev told him. "It their eyes, you're a player."
"Hey, syph boy." Cristina greeted George with a smirk.
"You told her." George's eyes widened as he looked at Izzie.
"Just her." Izzie promised.
"Syph boy." Karev repeated. "It has a nice ring to it, kind of like superboy, only diseased."
"Izzie, didn't have to say a word." Cristina shook her head. "Around here, the only thing that spreads faster than disease is gossip."
"It's not true." George told her. "Just 'cause Izzie can't keep her mouth shut doesn't mean everyone knows."
"How are you feeling?" Meredith asked George as she joined us, taking the last empty seat at the table. "Sorry about the syphilis."
"Everybody in this hospital knows?" George looked around at all of us.
"Knows you're a player." Karev told him.
"You're disturbed." I shook my had.
"True." Karev admitted. "Everybody's got a secret. Be glad yours is out in the open."
"Oh, yeah, Alex? What's yours?" Cristina asked.
"Show me yours, and I'll show you mine." He told her. "I bet you've got some seriously kinky skeletons in your closet."
"What's in my closet is none of your business." Cristina narrowed her eyes at him.
"Well, I don't have any secrets. My life is boring." Izzie shrugged.
"Everybody's got something to hide." Meredith shook her head. I only nodded silently in agreement, she was right, everyone did have something to hide.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I have cute butt, too. You want to see?" I heard Karev's voice as I searched for him, wondering where he had slinked off to when we were supposed to be running a few more labs on Bill before he met with his new surgeon to remove the ovary. At hearing his inappropriate question I pulled open a curtain, finding Karev and Meredith standing behind George as he leaned over a table, his naked butt up in the air.
"This is not what I wanted to see." I muttered.
"What? Disappointed it's not my butt?" Karev smirked at me.
"Oh, get out of here." Meredith told him. "You're doing it wrong."
"Be my guest." Karev handed the shot of penicillin over to her.
"What- Alex!" George looked over his shoulder as the two as I closed the curtain behind me again. Karev didn't say a word as he left, quickly being replaced by Izzie as I walked over to stand beside Meredith.
"What are we doing here?" Izzie asked us as she joined my side, George quickly pulling the curtain shut again.
"Breaking George's spirit." He muttered in annoyance.
"Curing George's syph." Meredith informed the blonde.
"I don't like needles." George told us.
"Good thing you became a doctor." I patted him on the back.
"Other side." Meredith told him.
"Izzie?" We heard Cristina call out.
"Yeah?" Izzie called back, causing Cristina to come and pull the curtains open, joining us.
"Mr. Franklin's procedure's been scheduled for after lunch-" Cristina began but cut herself off when she saw George bent over before her with his naked butt up in the air. "Oh, what are we doing?"
"We are saving George from a future of festering sores and insanity." Izzie informed her.
"Oh, cute butt." Cristina complimented George as she walked around to stand on Meredith's other side.
"Told you." Meredith smirked.
"It is cute." Izzie agreed. "Like a baby's."
"You know, I have spent hours, days, years, imagining myself half-naked in a room with four women." George told us as Meredith finished and he began to pull up his pants. "The reality is so much better."
"I think he's gonna cry." Cristina said as we watched George hurry out, causing all of us to laugh.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Three interns, four residents, and six nurses on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with syphilis." Dr. Webber informed everyone, having gathered everyone he could in the conference room, likely for a lecture about safe sex.
"There are over seventy thousand new cases every year." The woman standing beside him, Patricia, spoke up. "Undiagnosed, syphilis can lead to blindness, insanity, and death."
"Same symptoms as marriage." I whispered to Meredith and Cristina as we all stood at the back of the room, causing them both to give a soft chuckle.
"If you are having unprotected sex with another member of the staff, get tested." Dr. Webber instructed all of us. "This is not a request. Patricia will now give you a safe-sex demonstration."
"Poor George." Meredith commented as Patricia began her demonstration, using a banana.
"You know, I think he really likes typhoid Mary." Cristina told us.
"Well, not many budding relationships survive a good dose of VD." Meredith pointed out.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"That's the last of the ovarian material." Dr. Knox told us as she removed the last of Bill's ovary during surgery. "I just need to sew up the perforation on the bladder wall. Uh..."
"Is there a problem, Dr. Knox?" Burke asked her.
"Well, you said this man's wife is pregnant?" She recalled.
"Due in five weeks." Burke nodded. "Why?"
"Our patient has a blind vas deferens." Dr. Knox informed him, causing me to glanced across the operating table at Karev, my eyes widening slightly.
"Bill is sterile?" Burke questioned, clearly surprised.
"Always has been." Dr. Knox nodded.
"Then who got his wife pregnant?" Karev asked the obvious question. None of us said anything else as we finished the surgery and scrubbed out, tension clear in the air.
"Sucks to be Bill right now." Karev shook his head once we were done and headed out into the hallway, following behind Burke as we went.
"How's Burke gonna tell him that baby's not his?" I frowned, unable to imagine how Bill would feel once he found out that his wife had cheated on him.
"Burke's not gonna tell him." Karev said.
"He has to." I disagreed. "They're friends."
"Bill's better off not knowing." Karev pointed out. Though a part of me agreed with him on that fact I didn't say a word about it.
"Do you think Holly knows that Bill isn't the father?" I thought aloud.
"Maybe, maybe not." He shrugged.
"Bill should know his wife's cheating on him." I sighed. That seemed to be Burke's breaking point as he spun around to look at both of us, his eyes narrowed in annoyance.
"I don't remember asking for your opinions, so keep them to yourselves." He told us.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"You guys want to perform an unauthorized autopsy?" Meredith and I both looked at Izzie and Cristina that evening as well all sat in one of the back halls together, eating while we had a break.
"I know you, Cristina." Izzie looked to Cristina for back up. "You do not want to be known as the new double o seven. An autopsy clears your name."
"It also clears a place in the program." I pointed out. "Don't do it, Cristina."
"What about Mr. Franklin's wife? You saw the way she was looking at me. She wants the autopsy. She just didn't want to fight with her daughter. She looked so sad." At Izzie's words the three of us just looked at her, surprised that she was trying to play to Cristina's emotions. She seemed to realize her own mistake as she rolled her eyes. "Okay, Cristina Yang, license to kill."
"Okay, I'm in." Cristina gave in.
"I am so not involved in this." Meredith told them.
"Me either." I agreed.
"Meredith, Bethany, this is fight club. Nobody talks about it." Cristina warned us both.
"Fine." We both nodded.
"We have to do it when Bailey's not around." Cristina pointed out.
"Bailey's always around." Izzie shook her head. "Bailey's everywhere and knows everything."
"Well, we have to take our chances." Cristina said.
"Bailey's got something tonight from seven to eleven." Meredith told them both. "You two will be the last thing she's worried about."
"How do you know that?" Cristina frowned.
"What kind of something?" Izzie asked.
"And can I get in?" I raised a brow.
"No." Meredith answered me before she got up. "And, I can't talk about it. It's fight club, too."
"If I'm missing out on a real patient because of this, they're gonna call me double o seven because I've killed you." Cristina threatened Izzie.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Joel's still with his sitter, right?" Cristina asked me as we finished changing, once we had all broken up George and Karev's fight. "For the whole night?"
"Yeah, why?" I pulled my shirt on over my head.
"We're going to the bar across the street, you should come with us." She told me, nodding at George. "Take a night off from everything."
"Cristina, I'm a mom. I don't get nights off from that." I shook my head.
"Just one drink." She rolled her eyes.
"Fine." I agreed as she, George, and Meredith all headed out of the locker room without me. A few minutes later I followed suit, taking the stairs.
"Excuse me." A woman stopped me in the first floor waiting room. I looked up to see that she had styled red hair and wore a large black coat. "Do you work here?"
"Yes, can I help you?" I asked her.
"I'm looking for Dr. Shepherd." She told me.
"Um," I glanced around to see him standing a few yards away from us, talking to Meredith as they both pulled on their coats. As if sensing our gazes on him Derek looked up, his eyes widening when he saw us before he quickly turned to Meredith again.
"I see him, thank you." The woman told me before she headed towards Derek and Meredith. I only shook my head as I continued out of the hospital, heading towards the bar.