"You what?" The intensity in his voice is unsettling.
I wish I wouldn't have just admitted to kissing Zed but I had to. I had to tell Hardin, I couldn't keep it from him and I have to own up to my mistakes the same way Hardin has.
"I kissed him Hardin." I look up at him from the bed but he isn't looking at me. His eyes are focused on the books he pushed to the floor as he clenches his fists into balls at his sides.
"I.. you.. why?" He taps his fists against his forehead in frustration and my mind scrambles for an explanation.
"I thought you forgot about me.. that you didn't want me anymore and he was there and.."
"Stop saying that shit! Stop fucking saying he was there, I swear to god if I hear that one more fucking time!"
"Okay! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Hardin. I was so hurt and confused, he was saying all the things that I was so desperate for you to say and.."
"What was he saying?"
I don't want to repeat anything that Zed said, not to Hardin.
"Hardin.."
"Now." He demands.
"He was just saying what would have happened if he had won, if we had dated instead."
"And what was like?"
"What?"
"What was that like hearing that bullshit? Is that what you want? You want to be with him instead of me?" His anger is boiling and I can tell he's trying his hardest to keep the lid on it but the steam is pressing and pressing.
"No, that's not what I want." I stand to my feet and take a cautious step toward him.
"Don't. Don't come near me." His words pierce me and I stay in place.
"What else did you do with him? Did you fuck him? Suck his dick?"
I hope everyone is downstairs in the dining room still or they will hear every word Hardin is saying.
"Oh my god! No! You know I didn't. I don't know what I was thinking when I kissed him, I was just being stupid and I was at such a bad place with you abandoning me."
"Abandoning you? You're the one who fucking left me and now I find out you were flaunting around campus like a fucking whore!" He screams.
I want to cry but this isn't about me, it's about him and how hurt and angry he must be.
"I didn't mean it that way, don't call me names." I settle my hands against the back of the chair.
Hardin turns his back to me, leaving me alone in my guilt. I can't imagine how I would feel if he had done this during the worst time in my life. I hadn't thought about how he would feel when I did it though, I had only assumed he was doing the same.
I don't want to continue to push him, I know the way his temper gets too heated for him to control and he has been trying his best to do so.
"Do you want me to leave you alone for now?" I weakly ask.
"Yes."
I didn't want him to agree for me to leave him be but I do what he asks and head out of the bedroom, he doesn't turn around.
I'm unsure what to do with myself as I lean against the wall in the hallway. In a sick way I'd rather him be screaming at me, pinning me against the wall and demanding me to tell him why I did it instead of staring out of the window and asking me to leave the room.
Maybe that's what is wrong with us, we both crave the drama of disagreements. I don't believe that to be true, we have come a long way since the beginning of our relationship even if we have fought more than we've had peace. Most of the novels that I've read led me to believe quarrels come and go in the blink of an eye, a simple apology will bandage any problem and everything will be worked out within minutes. The novels lie. Maybe that's why I am so enamored with Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice; they are incredibly romantic in their own way but they tell the truth behind the blind love and promises of forever.
This is the truth. This is a world where everyone makes mistakes, even the incredibly naïve girl who is usually the victim to the boy's insensitivity and temper. No one is truly innocent in this world, no one. The people who believe themselves to be perfect are the worst one's of all.
A crash in the room in front of me frightens me and I bring my hand to my mouth as another and another occur. He is destroying the room. I knew he would. I should stop him from breaking more and more of his father's property but honestly I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid that he will hurt me at all, I'm afraid he will say words that will hurt more than if he did physically harm me.
"Fuck!!' He screams and I begin to sob.
"What's going on?" Landon appears at the end of the hall, worry clear on his handsome face.
"He's just.. I told him about kissing Zed." I admit and watch as Landon's features shift to pure disapproval.
"You kissed him?"
"Yeah."
"Wow." I can't handle my best friend's disappointment along with Hardin's.
"I know." I cry.
"So what, he's just in there letting out anger?" Landon gestures toward the closed door.
I nod and wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"Should I go in?" He asks.
"I wouldn't." The last thing that needs to happen is Hardin to take his anger out on Landon.
"Someone should." He tells me.
I know that someone should be me but I'm a coward.
Landon and I stare at each other as another piece of furniture receives a blow of Hardin's anger.
"I'll go but you know no one else can calm him except you." Hardin's stepbrother says.
"I know." I take a deep breath and turn the knob.
"I'll be out here if you need me." He assures me.
In Hardin's hand is a piece of wood, the leg of the chair I take note when I see the chair on it's side at Hardin's feet. He tosses the dark wood to the side and his eyes glow an angry green when he sees me.
"What part of leave me the fuck alone do you not get Tessa?"
I take another breath and let his angry words bounce off of me.
"I'm not leaving you alone." My voice doesn't come out as strong as I intended.
"If you know what's good for you, you will." He threatens.
I take a few steps forward to meet him and stop less than a foot away. He tries to back up but he's blocked by the wall.
"You won't hurt me." I call him out on his empty threat.
"You don't know that, I've done it before."
"Not purposely. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you did, I know that."
"You don't know anything!' He yells.
"Talk to me." I calmly say.
My heart is in my mouth as I watch him close is eyes and open them again.
"I don't have anything to say to you, I don't want you." His voice is labored.
"Yes you do."
"No Tessa, I don't. I don't want shit to do with you. He can have you."
"I don't want him." I try not to let his harsh words absorb.
"You obviously do."
"No, I only want you."
"Bullshit!" He slams his open palm against the wall.
It startles me but I stay still.
"Get out Tess."
"No."
"Don't you have anything better to do, go find Zed. Go fuck him for all I fucking care, I'll do the same believe me Tessa. I will leave here and fuck every girl I lay my eyes on."
Tears spring to my eyes but he doesn't pay any mind.
"You're saying these things out of anger, you don't mean them."
His eyes search the room for something, anything, left to break. He hasn't left much untouched. Luckily, the things that have been tampered with are mostly mine. The poster board I brought home for Landon's biology assignment, the suitcase full of books has been dumped out and my novels are scattered across the carpet. Some of my clothes have been pulled from the dresser and the chair has been knocked to the floor and broken.
"I don't want to look at you, go." He continues.
I close the space between us and drop to my knees in front of him.
"What are you doing?"
"Asking for you to.."
"Get up." He interrupts me.
"No."
I plea with him, literally on my knees. Not because I think I should grovel on my knees for forgiveness, both of us were wrong here and it's not entirely my fault. I am on my knees in front of him because I want to show him we are equal, I am no better than him and I have no problem putting my pride to the side to prove it. I know he is hurt and I'm on my knees to try to soften the ache in his chest.
"I'm sorry for kissing him Hardin, I know it hurts you and for that I'm sorry." I look up at him.
He doesn't say anything as seconds pass and the frosty glare of his eyes begins to soften. His arms reach down and hook around mine to pull me to my feet in front of him.
He hasn't spoken a word as he continues to study my face. I jump slightly when his thumb wipes away the tears staining my cheeks.
"Don't be afraid." He whispers.
"I'm not." I say in an equally hushed tone.
"I don't know if I can get past this." He breathes heavily.
My knees nearly buckle at the thought. I don't think there has ever been a time since we declared our love for one another that I have had to consider Hardin being the one to end things over an infidelity. My kiss with the stranger on New Years was nothing like this, he was pissed off and I knew he would let me have it but deep down I knew he wouldn't hold onto it for too long. This was with Zed, whom he had had a rocky friendship with because of me, they have been in several fights and I know it drives Hardin insane for me to even speak to Zed.
I don't think getting back into a full blown relationship with Hardin is a good idea at this moment but our problems have shifted from uncertainty over the future to this.
Unwanted tears spill from my betraying eyes and his frown deepens.
"Don't cry." He coaxes, his fingers expanding and resting against my cheek.
"I'm sorry." I breath, a single tear falls onto my lips and I lick it away.
"Do you love me still?" I have to ask.
I know he does but I'm desperate and needy for the words.
"Of course I do, I always will." He comforts me in a soothing voice.
It's a strangely beautiful sound really, the way his exasperated breathing is heavy and loud but his voice is calm and soft, like the image of angry waves crashing against the shore with no sound.
"When will you know what you want to do?" I ask him, afraid of the answer.
"I don't know, it's not like I can be without you." He sighs and presses his forehead against mine as his breathing begins to slightly cool.
"I can't either," I whisper to him. "Be without you."
"We can't seem to get our shit together, can we?"
"No, not at all." I almost smile at our calm exchange of words after Hardin's tantrum only minutes ago.
"We can try?" I offer and I attempt to lean into him, nervously awaiting him to stop me.
"Come here." His fingers press into the skin on my arms and he brings me to his chest.
It feels heavenly, like visiting home after being away for so long and the scent of him as I bury my face into his t-shirt calms my heart.
"You won't be near him again." He says into my hair.
"I know." I agree without thinking.
"This doesn't mean I'm over it, I just miss you."
"I know." I repeat, nuzzling further into him.
His heartbeat is solid and rapid against my ear.
"You can't go around kissing people every time you're angry. It's fucked up and I won't have it. You would lose your shit if I did that."
I lift my head from Hardin's chest to look at his hostile face. My fingers unwrap from around the thin material of his t-shirt and I thread them through his soft curls.
His gaze is harsh but the way his lips are parting slowly let's me know he won't stop me when I tug at his hair to bring his face down to mine. If it weren't for his height, this would be much easier. Hardin sighs into the kiss, strengthening his grip around my waist, his fingers move to my hips and back around me again.
My tears are mixed with his harsh breathing for the most lethal combination of love and lust. I love him a thousand times more than I lust for him but the two mix and multiply as he removes his mouth from mine to travel his warm lips down my jaw and neckline. He bends at his knees to get better contact with my skin and I can barely stand on my feet as he bites down softly just above where my collarbone would show if I were as thin as society wanted me to be.
I begin to walk backward toward the bed and tug at his shirt when he tries to protest. He gives in with a huff and a firm kiss to my neck; we reach the bed and stop to look at one another.
I don't want either of us to speak and ruin what we have started so I grab ahold of the hem on my shirt and pull it up over my head. His breathing is deepening again, this time out of need, not anger.
When my skirt hits the floor I reach in front of me to undress him. His shirt is lifted by him as my nervous but quick fingers fumble with his belt and tug his jeans down his legs, he grows impatient and he uses his opposite leg to push them to the floor.
I climb back onto the bed as he does the same, his fingers constantly running along my bare skin.
Hardin shifts his weight as his lips find mine again, his tongue pushing through my lips slowly as he hovers over me using his arms to support his weight.
I can feel him getting hard just from our kissing so I lift my hips slightly off of the bed to meet his to create friction between us. He groans and tugs his boxers down with one hand, leaving them at his knees. My hand immediately grips his length and he hisses into my ear.
My hand pumps slowly up and down him.
"I love you." I remind him as he moans into my neck.
He moves one hand to my chest and tugs carelessly at the cups of my bra to expose my breasts to him.
"I love you." He finally says.
"Are you sure you want to do this? With everything going on, and we aren't together right now.." He asks and I nod.
"Please." I beg.
"I don't have a condom.." He curses and lifts himself off of me.
Out of all the times he doesn't have a condom. Really.
"Doesn't Landon?" I can't believe I just asked that.
"No." Hardin half laughs at the idea.
"Don't you have one in your car?" I sit up and adjust my bra to cover myself and bring my knees to my chest.
"No, I haven't needed them." He says.
As frustrating as this is, I'm glad to know he hasn't needed to carry a condom around.
"Come here." Hardin's large hand wraps around my wrist and he pulls me to lay back down.
His mouth meets my chest and his hands travel behind my back to unclasp my bra so he can remove it fully.
"But.."
"Shut up Theresa." He mutters and I do.
"I'll be right back." He says and climbs off of the bed.
He pulls his jeans back on without boxers and I can't stop staring at the way his angled muscles form a V shape and the trail of dark hair leads to the button on his black jeans.
He leaves me practically panting on the bed. I hope he isn't asking Landon for a condom. I grab the side of the comforter and pull it over my naked body.
Landon. Oh my word, I hope he isn't still in the hall. I would be mortified if he heard the last few minutes of our conversation.
I continue to stare up at the ceiling while I wait for Hardin's return.
Minutes later the door clicks open and Hardin returns with a small foil packet.
Hardin's POV.
"You asked Landon? Oh god." Tessa buries her face in her hands.
"No, that would have been a lost cause. I got one out of my father's room." I shrug.
"That's even worse! That's.. weird." She crinkles her nose and I laugh.
"Sort of." I admit and tear the top of the condom wrapper open.
"Too weird to use?" I ask and she shakes her head quickly.
"Didn't think so." I smile and remove the blanket she is using to cover herself.
One look at her and I'm ready to bury myself inside of her. I know all of our issues haven't been resolved but I need this, we fucking need this.
I take my jeans off again and climb back onto the bed to meet her, the infuriating girl who has stolen every ounce of me, body and soul and I never want it back. I don't even care what she does with it, it's hers, I'm hers.
I'm already hard just from looking at her naked body, I slide the condom down and she watches me with wide eyes.
"I want to be able to see you." I tell her when she begins to lay down.
She tilts her head to the side slightly in confusion so I hold onto her arms and pull her on top of me.
"Oh." She squeaks and grabs ahold of me in her small hand.
She lowers herself down onto me and we both hiss as I enter her. Fuck I've missed this.
"You feel so good." I praise her and watch as her eyes roll back in pleasure.
Her hips begin to move in slow circles as I take in the sight in front of me. She is beautiful and so damn sexy, exquisite really. I've never seen anything or anyone like her.
She's getting better and better at this, being on top. I remember the first time she tried, it wasn't terrible but she was so nervous the entire time. Right now she is taking full control and it couldn't be any fucking better.
I gently tug at her arm to bring her down to me. As much as I want to look at her, I want to kiss her even more.
My mouth finds hers and I attempt to kiss away her pants and moans.
"Tell me how it feels." I say into her mouth and cup her backside to assist her in her movements.
"Good.. so good." She whimpers and rests her hands just above my head.
"Move faster baby."
"Mhmm.." She agrees.
Seconds later she winces and stills.
"What's wrong?" I try to sit up with her against my chest without removing myself from her.
"Nothing.. it just felt..deeper or something." She flushes.
I have fucked this girl so many times now and she is still basically clueless about all things sex, except giving me head. She's great at that.
I move her hips again in an attempt to find that spot again, the spot that will have her screaming my name in seconds.
I love the way she looks when she rolls her hips, the shape of them are beyond fucking perfect.
A squeeze on my biceps gives away that I've found it again. She covers her mouth with her hand and bites down on her palm to quiet herself as I lift my hips to meet her movements to thrust faster in and out of her.
"I'm going to make you come this way." I breathe and hope she does soon because I don't know how much longer I can last as she begins to move up and down while I move round and round.
"Holy shit." I can't help but curse as her back arches and her blue-grey eyes screw shut. The fingernails on the hand she isn't using to cover her mouth dig into my chest and I feel her tighten around me. Fuck she feels so good. I change the pace and move slower but I'm sure to hit as deep inside of her as I can with each thrust of my hips.
I know how much she loves my vocals while I fuck her so it works out well when she nearly screams into her hand as I spill into the condom.
"Hardin.." She whines and lays her head on my chest in a panting mess.
"Baby." I retaliate and she looks up at me with a sleepy smile.
I match my breathing to hers and run my fingers through the mess of blonde hair sprawled across my chest. I'm still pissed at her, and at Zed but I love her and I am trying to prove to her that I am changing for her. I can't deny that our communication is one thousand times better than it used to be.
She is going to be pissed at me at least one more time because of Zed but he needs to know that she is mine and if he fucking touches her again, he's dead.