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I walk to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. What the hell am I going to do?

I am sick to my stomach from all of this. I knew Harry wasn't a good person before and I knew there were some things that I wouldn't be happy to hear but out of all the things I thought Anne could be referring to, this never ever crossed my mind. He recorded himself having sex with a girl without her knowing and showed it to his friends. Even worse, Harry's friend showed everyone. Her parents and her church found out, she lost her scholarship and was kicked out of her house. To top it off when she was kicked out and asked to stay with Harry, he told her no despite the fact that he was the cause of all of her problems. He violated her in a terrible, deplorable way and he didn't even care. He had no remorse for his actions and he still barely does. Unwelcome tears spill down my cheeks and I try to breathe in and out slowly, careful not to choke on my own breath.

The worse part to me is knowing her name. If she was just some anonymous girl I could almost pretend that she didn't exist. Knowing that her name is Natalie opens up too many thoughts. What does she look like? What did she plan to study in college before Harry took her scholarship from her, does she have any brother's or sister's? Did they know? If Anne wouldn't have brought this up would I have ever known?

How many times did they have sex? Did Harry like it? Of course he did. I am reminded. It's sex and obviously Harry was having a lot of it. With other girls, Lots of other girls. Did he stay the night with Natalie after? Why do I feel jealous of Natalie? I should feel sorry for her not envy her for touching Harry.  I push the sick thought out of my mind and go back to thinking about the type of person Harry really is.

Can I forgive him for this? The more I think about it I don't have anything to forgive him for, he didn't do it this terrible thing to me. Not this time. I didn't even know him when he taped himself having sex with her. I am disgusted by myself for the jealousy that keeps clawing its way to the surface.

I should have had him stay to talk it out, I always leave or in this case made him leave. The problem is that he clouds my thoughts, his presence washes away every ounce of gumption I hold. I have no constraint when he is involved.

I wish I knew what happened to Natalie after Harry demolished her life, leaving her with nothing but rubble at her feet. If she is happy now and leading a good life I would feel better, slightly. I wish I had a friend to talk about all of this with, someone to give me advice. Even if I did I wouldn't divulge Harry's indiscretion, I do not want anyone to know what he has done to these girls. I know how foolish it is to want to protect him when he doesn't deserve it, but I can not help it. I don't want anyone to think any worse of him and mostly I don't want him to think any worse of himself than he already does.

I lay back against the pillows and stare up at the ceiling. I just got over. well was working on getting over Harry using me to win a bet with his friends and now this? If it was just Natalie maybe it wouldn't be so bad but even after seeing the extent of the damage he had caused to the girl, he did it again with his friend's sister, then played another game with me. This is a cycle with him, this is what he does, will he be able to stop doing it? What would have happened to me if he wouldn't have fallen in love with me?

I know that he loves me, he truly does love me. I know that.

"Do you know how that feels to have someone love you despite all the fucked up shit you do?"

I do love him despite all the mistakes he makes and has made in the past. I do see a change in him since I have met him, even in the last week I have seen a change in him. He has never expressed his feelings about me the way he did today. I just wish that his declaration was announced under different circumstances.

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