(The songs for the chapter are, You could be happy-Snow Patrol, Ashes and Wine-A fine frenzy, wrecking ball-Miley Cyrus, heartbreak warfare-John Mayer, holding on and letting go-Ross Coperman)
Hardin's POV.
I can taste my tears and her hesitation on her lips as I wrap my arm around her waist to bring her body against mine. I press my palm against the small of her back and kiss her harder, it's a feverish and purely emotional kiss and I could pass out from the relief of her mouth on mine.
I know I won't have long before she pushes me away so I take in every movement of her tongue, every barely audible gasp falling from her lips.
All of the pain from the last eleven days nearly evaporates when her arms wrap around my waist and in this moment, more than ever, I know that no matter how much we fight we will always find a way back to each other. Always.
After I watched her walk back into the house I sat in my car for a second before finally growing some fucking balls and going after her. I have let her slip away too many times and I can't take the chance of it being the last. I lost it, I couldn't help but cry as Landon closed the door behind her. I knew that I had to come after her, I had to fight for her before someone else takes her from me. I will show her that I can be who she wants me to be, not completely but I can show her how much I love her and that I won't allow her to walk away so easily, not anymore.
"Hardin.." She says and gently presses her hand against my chest and pushes me back, breaking our kiss.
"Don't Tessa." I beg her, I'm not ready for it to end yet.
"Hardin you can't just kiss me and expect everything to be okay. Not this time." She whispers and I fall to my knees in front of her.
"I know, I don't know why I let you walk away again but I'm sorry. So sorry, baby." I tell her, hoping the use of the word will help me.
I wrap my arms around her legs and her hands move to my head, caressing and running her fingers through my hair.
"I know I always fuck everything up and I know I can't treat you the way that I have been. I just love you so much that it overwhelms me and I don't know what the fuck to do half the time so I just say things on impulse and I don't think of how the words effect you. I know I keep breaking your heart but please.. please let me fix it. I'll put it back together and I won't dare to break it again. I'm sorry, I'm always sorry I know. I will get a fucking shrink or something, I don't care, just.." I sob into her legs.
I grab ahold of the waistband of the boxers and slide them down.
"What are you.." She stops my hands.
"Please, just take them off. I can't stand you wearing them, please..I won't touch you just let me take them off." I beg and she lifts her hands from mine, returning them to my hair as I slide the boxers to the floor and she steps out of them.
Her hand moves under my chin to lift my head up. Her small fingers caress my cheek then move up to wipe away the tears from my eyes. Her face holds a confused expression and she watches me carefully as if she's studying me.
"I don't understand you." She tells me, still swiping her thumb across my tear stained cheeks.
"I don't either." I agree and she frowns.
I stay in this position, kneeling in front of her, begging for her to give me one last chance even though I have blown through more chances than I deserve.
The bathroom is full of steam and her hair is sticking to her face and moisture is beginning to pool on her skin. God she's beautiful.
"We can't keep going back and forth Hardin, it's not good for either of us."
"It's not going to be that way anymore, we can get through this. We've gotten through worse and I know now how quickly I can lose you. I took you for granted and I know that. I'm only asking for one more chance." I take her face between my hands.
"It's not that simple." She tells me, her bottom lip begins to quiver and I'm still trying to stop my tears.
"It's not supposed to be simple."
"It's not supposed to be this hard either." She begins to cry with me.
"Yes, yes it is. It will never be easy with us, we are who we are but it won't always be this hard. We just have to learn to talk to each other without fighting every time. If we would have been able to have a conversation about the future it wouldn't have turned into this big fucking mess."
"I tried but you wouldn't have it." She reminds me.
"I know." I sigh.
"I am a mess without you Tessa, I'm nothing. I can't eat, sleep, or even breathe. I have been crying for days straight and you know I don't cry. I just.. I need you." My voice is broken and cracking and I sound like a fucking idiot.
"Stand up." She hooks her arm under mine to try to pull me up.
Once I'm on my feet I stand directly in front of her. My breath is ragged and it's hard to breathe in here with the steam filling every inch of the bathroom.
Her eyes pour into mine as she takes in my confession. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm crying now she wouldn't believe me. I know she is battling with herself, I can tell by the look in her eyes.
"I don't know if I can, we keep doing this over and over. I don't know if I can set myself up for it again. I'm sorry." She looks down at the ground.
"Hey, look at me." I plead and tilt her head up to look at me.
"I need to get in the shower, I'm going to be late."
I capture a single tear from just below her eye and nod.
I know that I have put her through hell and no one in their right mind would take me back again after the bet, the lies, and my constant need to fuck everything up. She's not like anyone else though, she loves unconditionally and she puts everything she has into loving me, even now when she's turning me away I know she loves me.
"Just think about it, okay?" I ask her.
I will give her space to think about it but I'm not going to give up on her, I need her too fucking much.
"Please?" I say when she doesn't respond.
"Okay." Tessa quietly agrees and my heart leaps.
"I'll show you, I will show you how much I love you and that this can work. Just don't give up on me yet, okay?" I wrap my hand around the door knob.
She bites down on her bottom lip and I let go of the knob to close the small space between us. When I reach her she looks up with cautious eyes. I want to kiss her lips again, to feel her arms wrapped around me, but instead I plant a single kiss on her cheek and step away from her.
"Okay." She repeats and I head out of the door.
It takes every bit of self discipline I posses to walk out of the bathroom, especially when I turn around and she's pulling the t-shirt over her head to expose her creamy skin that I haven't laid eyes on in what seems like years.
I close the door behind me and lean against the frame closing my eyes to stop myself from crying again. Fuck.
At least she said she would think about it. She seemed so apprehensive though, like it pained her to think of being with me again, not that I can blame her.
I open my eyes when Landon's bedroom door opens and he steps into the hall wearing a white polo and khaki's.
"Hey." He says to me as he slings his bag over his shoulder.
"Hey."
"Is she okay?" He asks.
"No, but I hope she will be."
"Me too, she's stronger than she knows."
"I know she is." I use my shirt to wipe my eyes.
"I love her."
"I know you do." He agrees with me and I look up at him again.
"How do I show her that? What would you do?" I ask him.
A pained look flashes in his eyes but quickly disappears before he answers.
"You just have to prove to her that you will change for her, you have to treat her the way she deserves to be treated and give her the space she needs."
"It's not that easy to give her space." I tell him.
I can't believe I am talking to Landon about this shit, again.
"You have to though or she will just fight back against you. Why don't you try to show her in a non-suffocating way that you will fight for her, that's all she wants. She wants you to make an effort."
"A non-suffocating way?" I don't suffocate her.
Okay, maybe I do but I can't help it, there is no medium for me I either push her away or hold her too close. I don't know how to balance the two.
"Yeah."
"Could you explain what the hell you mean? Give me an example or something."
"Well you could ask her out on a date, have you guys ever even been on an actual date?" He asks.
"Yeah of course we have." Haven't we?
"When?" He arches his brow at me in question.
"Uhm.. well we went to.. and there was this time we.. " I'm drawing a blank here.
"Okay so maybe we haven't." I conclude.
Trevor would have taken her on dates. Has Zed? If he has I swear to fucking....
"So ask her out, not today because that's too soon for even you two."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap.
"Nothing, I'm just saying you need some space. Well she does, otherwise you are going to push her away even more than you already have."
"How long should I wait?"
"A few days at least. Try to act like the two of you just began dating, or you are trying to get her to date you. Basically try to make her fall in love with you again.
"You're saying that she doesn't love me anymore?" I harshly remark.
"No, would you stop with the pessimism all the time."
"I'm not a pessimist." I defend. If anything this is the most optimistic I have been in a long time.
"Okay..."
"You're an asshole." I tell my step-brother.
"An asshole that you keep asking for relationship advice from." He brags with an annoying smile.
"Only because you're the only friend I have that has an actual relationship and you happen to know Tessa better than anyone, except me of course."
"You just called me your friend." His smile grows.
"What? No I didn't."
"Yes, yes you did." He is clearly pleased by this.
"I didn't mean friend, I meant.. I don't know what the hell I meant but I didn't mean friend."
"Sure." He chuckles and I hear the water turn off behind the door.
He's not so bad I guess but I'll never tell him that.
"Should I ask to drive her to campus today?" I follow him down the stairs.
"What part of non-suffocating do you not get?" He shakes his head at me.
"I liked you better when you kept your mouth shut."
"I liked you better when you... well I never liked you." He says but I can tell he's teasing.
I never thought he liked me actually, I thought he hated me for the terrible things I have done to Tessa but here he is, my only ally in this mess I made for myself.
I reach my arm out and push him lightly which makes him laugh and I almost join him until I spot my father at the bottom of the stairs watching us like we are an act in a circus.
"What are you doing here?" He asks and takes a drink out of his coffee mug.
"I brought her home.. well here."
Is this her home now? I hope not. The three of us walk into the kitchen and Landon grabs an apple out of the wire fruit basket on the kitchen island.
"Oh." He looks to Landon.
"It's fine dad, I can bring her wherever I want to. You can stop trying to play protector and remember which one of us is your actual child." I grab a coffee mug and Landon lowers his eyes at me.
"Tessa has become a part of this family in the last few months and this is her only place to go when you.." He trails off as Karen enters the kitchen.
"When I what?" I ask.
"When you mess up."
"You don't even know what happened."
"I don't have to know the whole story, all I know is she is the best thing that has ever happened to you and I am watching as you make the same mistakes that I did with your mother."
Is he fucking serious?
"I'm nothing like you! I love her and I would do anything for her! She's everything to me which is nothing like you and my mum!" I slam the mug down, spilling coffee on the counter.
"Hardin.." Tessa's voice is behind me.
Damn it.
"Ken you leave the boy alone, he is doing his best." Karen defends me and my father's eyes immediately soften as he turns to his wife.
"I'm sorry Hardin, I just worry about you." He sighs and Karen rubs her hand up and down his back.
"It's fine." I say and look at Tessa standing in her jeans and WSU sweatshirt. She looks so innocently beautiful with her damp hair hanging around her makeup free face.
If Tessa wouldn't appeared in the kitchen I would have told him how big of an asshole he is and he needs to learn to mind his own god damn business.
I grab a paper towel and wipe it over the counter to clean up the pool of coffee on their expensive ass granite counter.
"Are you ready?" Landon asks Tessa and she nods, still staring at me.
I really want to take her but I should go home and sleep or shower, lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling, clean the place, hell anything but sit here and chat with my father.
Her eyes finally leave mine and she leaves the room, moments later I hear the front door close and I let out a deep breath.
As soon as I walk away from my father and Karen I hear them start talking about me.
"You have got to stop being so hard on him Ken, did you see how upset he was?" She says to him.
Tessa's POV.
"I can't believe he came back." I tell Landon.
"You can't?"
"No, I thought he was just going to leave." I haven't decided how I feel about this.
I know how I should feel, I should have told him to go away but I couldn't. He rarely shows emotion and the way he was on his knees in front of me broke the pieces of my already shattered heart. I told him that I will think about it, about giving us another try but I don't know how this is going to work. I suppose it depends on what happens next.
I am so conflicted right now, I am more confused than ever and I'm annoyed with myself that I almost gave into him but on the other hand I am proud of myself for stopping it before it got too far. I need to think of myself here, not only him, for once.
My phone buzzes in my lap and I check the screen.
*Are you okay?* It's Zed.
I take a deep breath before responding.
*Yeah, I'm fine. I'm on my way to campus with Landon. I'm sorry about last night, it was my fault that he came there.* I send and turn my attention back to Landon.
"What do you think will happen now?" He asks.
"I have no clue. I'm still talking to Christian about Seattle." I tell him.
*No it's not. It's his fault. I'm glad you're okay. Are we still on for lunch today?*
I had forgotten about my plans to meet Zed in the environmental studies building for lunch. He wanted to show me some sort of flower he helped create that glows in the dark.
I want to keep my plans with him, he has been so kind to me through everything but now that I kissed Hardin this morning I don't know what to do. I was just sleeping at Zed's last night then kissing Hardin this morning, what is happening to me? I don't want to be that girl, I still hold guilt over what happened with Hardin while I was with Noah. In my defense Hardin came in like wrecking ball, I had no choice but to gravitate to him as he slowly destroyed me then built me back up, then destroyed me again.
Everything that is happening with Zed is totally different. Hardin hadn't spoken to me in nine days and I had no idea why. I was left to assume he didn't want me anymore and Zed has always been there for me. Since the beginning he was always sweet, he tried to end the bet with Hardin but Hardin wouldn't have it, he had to prove he could get me to sleep with him regardless of Zed's efforts to stop the disgusting game. Hardin and Zed have had bad blood between them since I met them, because of the bet I assume. I'm not sure but it's been evident since the first time I hung out with the two of them. Hardin claims that Zed only wants to get in my pants but honestly that's a little hypocritical of him to say that and Zed hasn't done a single thing to even hint that he is trying to sleep with me. Even before I knew about the bet and I kissed him at his apartment he never made me feel like I had to do anything I didn't want to.
I hate when my thoughts go back to that time. I was so clueless and they both played me but there is something behind Zed's caramel eyes that shows kindness while anger is behind Hardin's green eyes. I'm not going to be kissing Zed or dating him and I don't know what the hell is going on with Hardin. I love him and I hope he does try to show me that he can treat me better but I feel bad for tossing Zed to the side. He has always been on the side but I'm afraid he was beginning to think he was taking center stage.
*Yeah, I will meet you there at noon.* I respond.
He deserves an explanation of my back and forth behavior. I will explain everything to him when I meet him today.
(Please vote and comment ily all and I really appreciate you reading and I am glad you all like to read it as much as I love to write it, thank you! xo )