Hardin's POV.
"Just hear me out okay?" I beg.
"Why now?" She asks, staring out the window.
I still can't believe she's in the car with me, not that I gave her much of a choice.
"Because... because I miss you." I admit.
"You miss me? You mean you are jealous that I was with Zed. You didn't miss me until he picked me up tonight. You are fueled by jealousy, not love."
"That's not true, that doesn't have anything to do with it." It does have a lot to do with it but I do miss her regardless.
"You didn't talk me to me all evening, then you came outside and told me you were too busy to talk to me. That's not what you do when you miss someone." She points out.
"I was lying."
"You? Lying? No way, that never happens." She is feisty tonight.
I take a deep breath to make sure that I don't say something that will make this worse.
"I don't have a phone for starters, and I went home to England."
Her head snaps to look at me.
"You what?"
"I went to England to clear my head. I didn't know what else to do." I explain.
"You didn't answer my calls."
"I know. I ignored them and I'm so sorry for that. I wanted to call you back but I couldn't bring myself to and then I got drunk and broke my phone."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"No..but the reasoning made sense to me at the time, and still does. I want you to be happy Tessa."
She doesn't say anything, she looks out the window again and I reach for her hand but she pulls away.
"Don't." She says.
"Tess.."
"No Hardin! You can't just show up eleven days later and hold my hand. I'm sick of going in circles with you. I am finally to a point where I can go an hour without crying then you pop up and try to pull me back under. You've always done this to me since the say I met you and I'm sick of giving into it. If you cared about me you would have explained yourself." She is trying her hardest not to cry, I can tell.
"I'm trying to explain myself now." I remind her, my annoyance growing as I pull into my father's driveway.
She tried to open the door but I hit the locks.
"You aren't seriously trying to lock me in the car with you. You already basically forced me to leave Zed's house! What is wrong with you!" She begins to shout.
"I'm not trying to lock you in the car." I am though.
However, in my defense she is stubborn and doesn't like to listen to anything I have to say.
She presses the unlock button and climbs out of the car.
"Tessa! God damn it Tessa, just listen to me!" I shout into the wind.
"You keep telling me to listen but you haven't been saying anything!"
"Because you won't shut up long enough for me to!"
We always end up in a screaming match. I need to let her yell at me and just take it, otherwise I will say something I regret. I want to bring up Zed and the fact that she is in his fucking clothes but I have to keep my temper under control.
"I'm sorry okay, just give me two minutes to talk without interrupting me. Please?" I ask her.
She surprises me by nodding and crossing her arms to wait for me to speak.
The snow is really coming down and I know she's freezing but I have to talk to her now or she may change her mind.
"I went to England after you didn't come back that night. I was so pissed off at you that I couldn't see straight. You were being so damned difficult and I just.." She turns away from me and starts to walk up the snowy driveway toward the house.
Damn it.
I am shit at apologies.
"I know it's not your fault, I lied to you and I'm sorry!" I shout, hoping she will turn around.
She does.
"This isn't only about you lying Hardin. There is so much more than that." Tessa tells me.
"Then tell me, please."
"It's about you not treating me the way I should be treated. I never come first with you, it's always about you. Your friends, your parties, your future. I don't get to make any decisions about anything, and you made me feel like a fool when you said I was being crazy about marriage. You weren't listening to me, it wasn't about marriage, it was the fact that you haven't even thought of what I want for myself and my future. And yes, I would like to be married someday, not any time soon but I need security. You know how I am and you couldn't even humor me with the idea of it yet you expected me to move across the world where I will not know anyone." She is out of breath by the time she finishes speaking and I take a few steps toward her.
She's right, and I know she is. I just don't know what to do about it.
"I know, I thought if it were just the two of us there you would.." I stutter.
"I would what?" Her teeth are chattering and her nose is red from the cold.
"You would be less likely to leave." I admit and wait for her horrified response.
It doesn't come.
Instead she begins to cry.
"I don't know what else I could have done to show you how much I loved you Hardin. I kept coming back every time you hurt me, I moved in with you and I forgave you for every unthinkable thing you did to me, I gave up my relationship with my mother for you and you are still so insecure." She quickly wipes her tears away.
"I'm not insecure." I tell her.
"See? That's why this would never work. You always let your ego get in the way." She cries.
"I don't let my ego get in the way of shit! If anything my ego is pretty fucked right now because I just found you in Zed's bed." I snap.
"You're really going there right now?" She challenges.
"Hell yes I am, you're acting like a.." I stop myself as she flinches from the words that she knows will follow.
I know it's not her fault that he got under her skin, he is good at that but it still fucking hurts me that she did.
"Go ahead Hardin, call me names." She is the most infuriating woman in the entire world but fuck if I don't love her even at her most difficult.
I have to go inside I'm cold and I have to be up in an hour to get ready for school." She adds and walks toward the house again.
I follow her up the driveway and watch as she remembers that she left her purse in my father's car.
"I'll have to call Landon, I don't have a key." She says, mostly to herself I assume.
"You can come home?" I suggest.
"No."
"I'm insecure okay? I admit it. I can't help it, you know you are too good for me."
"No I'm not. We are the same, remember?" She looks down at the ground.
"We aren't though. But I am okay with that as long as you are. I'm sorry for everything and I know you think I haven't missed you or cared enough to contact you but that's not true. I have missed you so much, I have been through absolute hell without you and I can't last another day." I spill.
Tessa's POV.
My heart aches as the words leave his mouth. He is too good at this.
"You're lying. You always do this." I say.
"No, I'm not. It's true, yeah I'll admit the first few days weren't so bad. I was so pissed off and I didn't want to be anywhere near you because you were overreacting but then as I began to realize this could be it, it terrified me. I know I haven't treated you the way I should have, I don't know how to love anyone other than myself Tess. I am trying as hard as I can.. okay I haven't been trying as hard I could but I will from now on. I swear it."
I have heard those words too many times.
"You've said that before."
"I know but this time I mean it. After I saw Natalie I.."
Natalie? My stomach drops.
"You saw her?"
Does she still love him? Or hate him? Has he truly ruined her entire life?
"Yeah, I saw her and I spoke to her. She's pregnant."
Oh god.
"I haven't seen her in years Tessa." He reads my mind.
"She's engaged and she's happy and she told me that she forgives me and she was saying how she's happy to be getting married because there is no greater honor or some shit but it was really eye opening for me." He steps toward me again.
My legs and arms are numb from the cold air and I am furious at Hardin, more than furious, I am enraged and heartbroken. He keeps going back and forth and it's exhausting. Now he's here in front of me talking about marriage and I don't know what to think.
I shouldn't have even left with him, my mind was made up earlier. I would get over him if it was the last thing I would do.
"What are you saying?" I ask.
"That now I realize how lucky I am to have you, to have you stick by me through all the shit I put you through."
"You should've realized that before. I have always loved you more than you love me and.."
"That's not true. I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. I went through hell too Tessa, I have been sick, literally, without you. I have barely eaten, I know I look like shit. I was doing this for you so you could move on." He explains.
"That doesn't even make any sense." I push my damp hair away from my face.
"Yes it does. It does make sense. I thought if I stayed out of your life you could move on and be happy without me, with your own Elijah."
"Who is Elijah?" What is he talking about?
"Natalie's fiancé. See, she found someone to love and marry her, you can too." He tells me.
"But that someone's not you..is it?" I ask him.
A few seconds pass and he doesn't say anything.
His expression is puzzled and frantic as he tugs at his hair for the tenth time in the last hour. Slivers of orange and red are beginning to appear behind the large houses on the block and I need to get inside before everyone wakes up and I have to walk past them in boxers and high heels.
"I didn't think so." I sigh, not allowing anymore tears to be shed for him, not until I'm alone at least.
Hardin stands in front of me with a completely blank expression and I dial Landon's number to have him open the door for me. I should have known that he was only going to fight enough to get me out of Zed's apartment, now that he has the perfect opportunity to tell me everything I need to hear yet he stands in silence.
"Can you open the front door please?" I ask when Landon picks up the phone.
I wait for Hardin to stop me, even though I shouldn't be but I love him. I am setting myself up for another nine days of hell and I know it.
He doesn't. He just stands there as Landon opens the door and I step inside. I look back once more, just in case, but he is already walking back to his car.
I wanted to give in to him the way that I always do but he proved once again that I am an idiot for doing it. He isn't trying to prove anything to me.
"Come on, it's freezing." Landon says and closes the door behind me.
"He's.." I don't even know what to say.
I don't want to push my problems on Landon right now, he only got home from New York a few hours ago and I need to not be selfish.
He grabs the blanket that hangs over the back of the chair and drapes it over my shoulders.
"Let's go upstairs before they get up." He suggests and I nod.
My entire body and mind are numb from the snow and Hardin. I glance at the clock as I follow Landon up the stairs, it's ten until six. I need to get in the shower in ten minutes. It's going to be a long day. Landon opens the door to the room I have been staying in and turns the light on as I walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Are you okay? You have to be freezing." He says and I nod.
I'm grateful for him not asking what I am wearing and why.
"How was New York?" My voice comes out monotone and uninterested.
I am interested in my best friend's life, I just have no emotions left to show.
"You sure you want to talk about this right now, it can wait." He tells me.
"I'm sure." I force a smile.
I am used to this back and forth with Hardin, it still hurts but I knew it was coming. It always does. I can't believe he went to England to get away from me. He said he had to clear his head but I should be the one clearing mine.
I shouldn't have stayed outside and talked to him for so long, I should have had him drive me here and came right inside the house instead of listening to him. The words he said only made me more confused, I thought for a moment he was going to say he does see and want a future with me but when it came time for him to say just that, he let me walk away again.
When he admitted that he wanted to take me away to England so I couldn't leave him I should have ran for the hills, but I know him too well. I know he doesn't believe he is worthy of anyone loving him and I know that in his mind that made sense to him. The problem is that's not a normal thing to do, he can't just expect me to give up everything and be trapped with him in England.
He has a lot of things he needs to work out on his own and so do I. I love him but I have to love myself more.
"It was nice, I loved it. Dakota's apartment is really awesome and her roommate is really nice." Landon tells me.
It must be so nice to have an uncomplicated relationship. Memories of Noah and I watching endless hours of movies flash through my mind, nothing was ever complicated with him. But maybe that's why it didn't last, that's why I love Hardin so much because he challenges me and we have so much passion between us that it nearly crushes me. I just wish we could have communicated better, I like to think it could have worked.
"So are you moving there? For sure?" I ask.
"Yeah, I think I am. Not until the semester ends but I really want to be near her, I miss her a lot." He tells me.
"I know you do. I'm happy for you, I really am."
"I'm sorry that you and Hardin..."
"Don't be. It's done. I'm done. I have to be. Maybe I should come to New York with you." I smile and his face lights up with the warm smile I adore so much.
"You could." He beams.
I always say this, I always say I'm done with Hardin then I go back to him, it's an endless cycle.
"I'm going to talk to Christian Tuesday about Seattle." I decide in this moment.
"Really?"
"I have to." I tell him and he nods.
"I'm going to get dressed so you can take a shower, I'll meet you downstairs when you're ready."
"I missed you so much." I stand and hug him as tight as I can.
Tears spill down my cheeks and he hugs me tighter.
"I'm sorry, I am just a mess now. I have been since he came into my life." I cry and pull away.
He frowns but doesn't say anything as he heads to the door. I gather my clothes in my arms and follow him into the hallway to head to the bathroom.
"Tessa?" He says as he reaches his bedroom door.
"Yeah?"
"Just because he can't love you the way you want him to doesn't mean he doesn't love you with everything he has." Landon says.
I process his words as I close the bathroom door and start the shower. As I pull Zed's t-shirt over my head there's a knock at the door.
"Hang on Landon, I need one second." I call and pull the shirt down to cover my stomach.
When I open the door it's not Landon. It's Hardin and his cheeks are stained with tears and his eyes are bloodshot.
"Hardin?"
His hand cups my neck and he pulls me to him, his mouth moves against mine before I can resist.
(Please vote and comment<3 Yes I am aware it's a cliffhanger lol, love ya! xo)