Eleven days.
It has been eleven days since I have heard from Hardin and each second certainly hurts much less than the last. Zed's company has surely helped.
Tonight is the dinner party at Christian's and I am afraid that being around the familiar faces that will surely remind me of Hardin will knock at the walls that been building. All it will take is one small crack and I will no longer be protected.
I have less than fifteen minutes to get myself dressed for the party. My hair is the same way it always is, down and curled in loose waves but my makeup is darker than usual. I slide my bracelet over my wrist even though I know I shouldn't be wearing it, I feel naked without it. It is such a part of me now, the way he is.. was.
The dress looks even better today than yesterday and I'm grateful that I have gained the few pounds back that I lost during the first few days of barely eating.
"I just want it back the way it was before and I just want to see you back at my front door." The music plays as I grab my small clutch purse and pull the buds out of my ear to place them inside.
When I met Karen and Ken downstairs they are dressed to a tee. Karen is in a long blue and white patterned gown and Ken is wearing a suit and tie.
"You look so lovely." I smile at Karen and her cheeks flush.
"Thank you dear, so do you." She beams.
She is so sweet. I am going to miss seeing them this often when I leave but I can't stay here forever, I have to find an apartment on my own.
"I was thinking that sometime this week we could go out to the greenhouse and work a little?" She asks me as we walk to the car, my nude heels clank loudly on the concrete driveway.
"I would love to." I tell her and climb in the backseat of their Volvo.
"This party will be so much fun, we haven't been to a party like this in a while." Karen takes Ken's hand into hers and places it on her lap as he pulls out of the driveway.
Their affection doesn't make me envious, it reminds me that people can actually be good to one another.
"Landon will be home from New York late tonight, I will be picking him up at two a.m." Karen says.
"I can't wait for him to be back." I say and mean it.
I have missed my best friend, his words of wisdom and his warm smile.
"Me either, I will miss him when he moves." His mother says and I nod in agreement.
Christian Vance's house is exactly how I had imagined it would be. It's an extremely modern house, the entire home is nearly transparent, beams and glass appear to be the only thing securing the house on the hill. Every decoration and detail are styled into the perfect theme throughout the entire space inside, it reminds me of a museum in a way because nothing looks like it's even been touched before.
"Thank you guys so much for coming." Kimberly smiles and pulls me into her arms.
"Thank you for inviting us. Congratulations on Seattle." Ken shakes Christian's hand.
I lose my breath at the sight of the water just out the back windows. Now I understand why most of the house is glass. The house sits on a large lake, the water seems endless and the sun is setting at the moment, making it even more breathtaking as the reflection shines on top of the lake, nearly blinding me. The fact that the house itself is on a hill and the yard is slightly sloped gives the appearance that the house is floating on top of the water.
"We are all in here." Kimberly leads us to their dining room which like the rest of the house is perfect.
None of this is my style, I prefer old fashioned themes but its exquisite really.
Two elongated rectangle tables fill the space, each table full of multicolored flowers and small bowls with floating candles inside. Kimberly really has gone all out for this party. It's lovely.
Trevor is sitting at the table closest to the window along with a few other faces I recognize from Vance, including Crystal from marketing and her soon to be husband. Smith is seated two chairs down and he has his face buried in some sort of handheld video game.
"You look beautiful." Trevor smiles at me and stands from his seat to greet Ken and Karen.
"Thank you, how are you?" I ask.
His blue tie is the exact same shade of blue as his eyes.
"Great, ready for the move." He beams.
"I bet!" If only I were able to move to Seattle now.
"Trevor, its nice to see you." Ken shakes his hand and I look down when I feel a slight tug at my dress.
"Hi Smith, how are you?" I ask the little boy with shining green eyes.
"Okay." He shrugs.
"Where's your Hardin?" His voice is quiet.
"He's uhm.. he's not here right now." I don't know what else to say and the way Smith called him 'my harry' stirs something in me. The stone wall is already beginning to chip away and I have only been here for ten minutes.
"He's coming though?" He asks.
"I don't think he is." I admit.
"Oh."
"I could tell him you said hey?" I offer, knowing I am lying to the quiet boy.
"Okay. I like your Hardin." He half smiles and sits back down at the table.
Me too, but he's not mine.
Within fifteen minutes, twenty more people arrive and Christian has turned on his high tech stereo system. With only a click of a button, a soft piano melody spreads through the house. Young men in white collared shirts begin to circle the room with trays of appetizers and I help myself to something that looks like a small piece of bread topped with tomatoes and sauce.
"The Seattle office is breathtaking, you should see it. It's right on the water, it's two times larger than our office here. I can't believe I'm finally expanding." Christian speaks to a small group of us as and I try to appear as interested as I can as a waiter hands me a glass of white wine.
I am interested, I'm just distracted. Distracted by the mention of Hardin and the idea of Seattle. As I stare out the glass wall and onto the water I imagine Hardin and I moving into an apartment together and the excitement of a new city, new place, and new people. We would make new friends and start a new life there, together. Hardin would work for Vance again and he would brag all day and night about how he makes more money than me and I would fight him to be able to pay the cable bill.
"Tessa?" I am brought out of my pointless daydream by the sound of Trevor's voice.
"Sorry.." I stutter and he begins or finishes his story that I wasn't even aware he was telling.
"My apartment is close to the new building and it's right in the middle of downtown, you should see the view." He smiles.
"That sounds incredible, the Seattle skyline is so beautiful." Trevor tells me and I smile.
Hardin's POV.
What the fuck am I actually doing?
I keep pacing back and forth in this driveway. I should just leave, this was a stupid fucking idea to begin with. What am I expecting to happen, she will run into my arms and forgive me for all the shit I have done to her?
She probably isn't even in there and I will look like an idiot going in there if she isn't. Actually, I'll look like a dumbass either way, I should just leave.
This shirt is fucking itchy and I hate dressing up. I didn't make too much of an effort anyway, I only threw on a black button up shirt but still.
When I walk closer to the house I approach my father's car, in the backseat sits that hideous purse that Tessa always brings along to every single function she attends. She is inside, she's in there. My empty stomach flutters at the idea of seeing her, of being close to her.
What would I even say to her? I don't know but I need to see her. I have to tell her how my days have been complete hell without her and how I need her, I need her more than anything. I have to tell her that I'm an asshole and I can't believe that I fucked up the one good thing in my life, her.
I will go inside and get her to leave with me so we can talk. I'm nervous, fuck am I nervous, and I feel like I may throw up. If there were food in my stomach I'm sure I would. I know I look like complete shit, I wonder if she does? Not that she ever could but I wonder if it's been as hard for her as it has been for me.
I finally reach the door but then turn back around again. I hate being around people as it is and there are at least fifteen cars in this driveway. Everyone will stare at me and I will look like a god damned fool, which is exactly what I am.
I turn around again and ring the doorbell.
This is for Tessa. This is for her, I keep reminding myself when Kim opens the door with a surprised smile.
"Hardin? I didn't know you would be here." She says, I can tell she is trying her hardest to be polite despite the anger I know she feels towards me for Tessa.
"Yeah.. me either." I reply.
I see the pity in her eyes when she takes in my appearance and I fight myself to keep quiet. I have to keep my cool tonight and bite my tongue if I want Tessa to listen to me.
"Well.. come inside, it's freezing out." She offers and opens the door further to let me walk past her.
This house is decorated like a fucking work of art, it doesn't even look like anyone lives here. It's cool and all but I like older things, simpler things.
"We are just getting ready to eat." She tells me and I follow her into a dining room with glass walls.
That's when I see her.
My heart stops and the pressure on my chest is overwhelming, nearly choking me, as she smiles and slides her hand across her forehead to push her hair back. The reflection of the setting sun behind her makes her glow, literally, and I can't move.
I hear her laugh and for the first time in ten days I can breathe. I have missed her so much and she looks phenomenal, she always does, but the red dress she is wearing and the sun hitting her skin, the smile on her face... why is she smiling and laughing?
Shouldn't she be crying and shouldn't she look like hell? She giggles again and my eyes move to the source.
Fucking Trevor.
I hate that bastard so fucking much, I could walk over there and throw him through that glass window and no one would be able to stop me. Why the fuck is he always around her? He's a fucking twit and I'm going to fucking kill him.
No. I need to calm down, if I hurt him right now she will never listen to me. She doesn't like when I act out in that way, she hates it.
I close my eyes for a few seconds and talk myself down. If I stay calm she will listen to me and she will leave here with me and we can go home and I will beg for her forgiveness and she will tell me she still loves me and we will make love and everything will be okay.
I continue to watch her as she begins an animated story. The hand that isn't holding the glass of wine moves around as she talks and smiles. My heart races as I spot the bracelet on her wrist. She is still wearing it, that's a good sign, it has to be.
Fucking Trevor watches her intently, his expression holding an adoration for her that makes my blood boil once more. He looks like a love sick puppy and she is feeding right into it. Has she moved on already? With him?
It would make sense if she did, I couldn't blame her really. I haven't returned her calls, I haven't even bothered to purchase a new phone yet. She probably thinks I don't care, that I have moved on already.
My mind travels back to that quiet street in England, to Natalie's swollen belly, to Elijah's adoring smile for his fiancé. Trevor is looking at Tessa the same way Elijah looked at Natalie.
Trevor is her Elijah, he's her second chance to have what she deserves. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I need to leave, I have to get out of here and leave her alone.
It now makes sense to me why I ran into Natalie that day. I saw the girl I hurt tremendously so I don't make the same mistake again with Tessa.
I have to leave before she sees me.
The moment I admit this to myself, she looks up and her eyes meet mine. Her smile vanishes and the glass of wine slips from her hand and shatters on the hardwood floor.
Everyone turns to look at her but she stays focused on me. I look away, to Trevor and he looks at her. She blinks a few times and her eyes travel to the floor.
"I'm so sorry." She says frantically and bends down to try to gather the broken glass.
"It's okay! I will grab a broom and some towels." Kimberly calls as she leaves the room.
I need to get the fuck out of here.
"Thought you weren't coming." A child's voice says from below me.
"Yeah.. I was just leaving." I look down to see Smith.
"Why?"
"Because I shouldn't be here." I tell him.
"I don't like it either." He groans and I nod.
Trevor helps Tessa gather the glass and toss it into a small trash bag. There has to be some symbolism behind this, behind watching him help her pick up the pieces.
"Stay?" Smith asks me and I look back and forth between Tessa and the kid.
I don't feel as annoyed with him as I once did, I don't think I have the energy to be annoyed with him.
"You should listen to him." Christian butts in and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"At least stay until after dinner, Kim has put a lot of effort into tonight." He tries to persuade me.
I look over to his girlfriend in her simple black dress as her nervous smile as she wipes a towel across the mess Tessa made because of me.
"Fine." I agree and walk over to take a seat at one of the tables.
If I can make it through this dinner, I can make it through anything. I will just swallow the pain that comes from watching Tessa be so complacent without me. She appeared unaffected until she saw me and sadness took over her beautiful face.
I will act the same, act like she isn't killing me with every blink of her eyes. If she is under the impression that I don't care she will be free to move on and finally be treated the way that she deserves.
"I'm really sorry, I will buy you a new glass." I hear her voice behind me.
"Honestly, don't worry about it. It's only a wine glass." Kimberly assures her.
I'm glad she is being so cool about it, otherwise Tessa would surely torture herself over it if she upset Kimberly in any way.
"I didn't expect to see you here." My father and Karen greet me.
"Everyone keeps saying that." I sigh as Karen takes the seat next to me.
I don't allow myself to look up from the table to find Tessa.
"Have you spoken to her?" Karen asks me almost silently.
"No." I reply.
"If everyone could please be seated, we will have dinner begin in just a moment." Kimberly calls above the light noise of her guests chatter.
I stare at the small printed swirl pattern on the table cloth and wait for the waiters to bring out the food. Finally, I can't help but look up to find her. I am surprised to find that she is sitting almost directly across from me, next to fucking Trevor of course. She is absentmindedly pushing an asparagus spear across her plate repeatedly. I know she doesn't like them but she is too polite to not eat something that someone else prepares for her. I watch her as she closes her eyes and brings the vegetable to her mouth and I almost smile when she tries her best to not appear disgusted as she washes the bite down with water then pats her lips with a napkin.
She catches me staring at her and I immediately look away. I can see the pain behind her blue-grey eyes. Pain that I have caused and pain that only I can heal by staying away from her and letting her move on.
I can feel the tension, all the unspoken words float in the air between us as she directs her attention back to her plate.
I don't look up again during the four course meal that I barely took five bites of. Even when I hear Trevor talking to Tessa about Seattle I keep my eyes away. For the first time in my life I wish I was someone else. I would give anything to be Trevor, to be able to make her happy, and not hurt her.
She answers in short sentences and I know she is thankful when Karen begins to talk about Landon and his long time girlfriend in New York.
"If I could have everyone's attention please.." Christian stands up and jokingly taps his fork against his glass.
"I better stop before I break it." He chuckles and looks at Tessa.
Her cheeks flush and I have to press my hands down against my thighs to hold myself in the chair and not tackle him to the ground for embarrassing her. I know he is teasing but it's still a dick move.
"Thank you all so much for coming, it means the world to me to have everyone that I love here in this room. I am beyond proud of the work that everyone in this room has done and I couldn't possibly be doing this without you. Maybe next year we will be opening an office in Los Angeles or even New York." He beams.
"Don't get ahead of yourself." His blonde lover teases.
"And you, especially you Kimberly. I wouldn't be anywhere without you." His tone changes drastically and the air in the room changes. He takes her hands in his as he stands in front of her in her chair.
"After Rose died I was living in complete darkness. The days came and went in a blur and I never thought I would be happy again. I didn't think I was capable of loving anyone else, I accepted that it would just be Smith and I. Then one day this bubbly blonde crashes into my office ten minutes late for her interview with the most hideous coffee stain on her white blouse and that was it for me. I was captivated by your spirit and your energy, you gave me life when I had none left in me. No one could ever replace Rose and you knew that, you didn't try to replace her, you welcomed her memory and helped me get my life back. I only wish I had met you sooner so I wasn't miserable for four years." He laughs and I know he added the humor to mask the emotions but he failed.
"I love you Kimberly, more than anything and I would love to spend the rest of my life repaying you for what you have given me." He bends down on one knee.
Is this some kind of fucking joke? Is everyone I know suddenly deciding to get married or is this some fucked up cosmic joke on my behalf?
"This wasn't a celebration party, this was an engagement party." He smiles at her and she squeals.
"If you say yes that is." He adds and she begins to cry.
I look away from them as she practically screams her acceptance.
I can't help but look at Tessa as she claps her hands and does her best to smile in this gleeful moment for her friend. I watch as she blinks away her tears and pretends to be happy when Kimberly just heard everything that she once wished she would hear from me.
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