Just As Fucked Up As Me. A free verse poem.
Toxic.
Everything I touch is reduced to ashes.
Everyone I care about gets engulfed in my darkness.
I am toxic.
I beg you not to look to deep.
I can tell when people try to get into my head.
All my guards snap into place and lock away every concealed secret I have.
I need to protect the people I love.. But I need to protect myself as well.
I disguise myself as being open, talking about anything with no hesitation.
But if you dig deep enough, I shut down.
I'm a good person whose been through a lot of bad stuff.
No one can know the darkness within me..
When I say I trust people, I'm being honest.
But, with my inner demons, I trust no one but myself.
When it comes to protection, I rely on myself.
Because so many others have vowed to protect me before.. And they all ended up hurting me.
The mask I have is so cocky and teasing.
But deep inside, is another girl, another piece of me, broken and scarred and bruised.. Screaming for help.
For real protection.
But I'll never admit it. Never seek help.
I don't need anyone to fight my battles.
I do that myself, daily.
I don't need some knight in shinning armor.
I am my own hero. My own villain.
"Just find a nice, good guy to help you."
It's not that simple.
I'm to damaged for an average 'good guy'
I can't bring him down. I need someone else.
Someone who understands why I panic in certain situations.
Someone who doesn't constantly question why my guard is up.
Someone who understands why sometimes I can't sleep for 4 days.
Someone who I don't feel like I'm corrupting with my life.
It's not because of the 'badboy' stereotype.
It's not because I want some jerk.
It's the fact that those guys who lash out because no one understands why they are the way they are.
They are the most damaged ones.
You can never truly 'fix' someone.
You can glue them back together.
But you can't expect to make them brand new.
They will always be broken. And no one should feel bad about that.
Everyone deserves someone who makes them a little less broken.
Someone who will ride out all your issues with you.
Who will know how to handle you.
Who knows what sets you off.
You need someone just as mentally fucked up as you, who can relate to all your problems and instead of trying to fix them, they just stand by you and help you overcome them.
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- Jade xx