Wade slipped away from Natasha and Tony and into the for-sale office space. They can stand around talking and being responsible or whatever, he was going to break a window and get Peter.
"Fuck this window," he muttered as he swung to kick it open, but his leg was met with only air. Upon further inspection, he noticed all the windows were already broken. He shrugged and stepped through. "Window was already fucked. Ow! Glass!" He hissed, stepping through the lobby.
The floor was covered in glass from all the broken windows. He probably should have noticed that. As he worked his way through the building, he felt more and more like he was in a bad horror movie. Dark and creepy office, no people around, empty and unused desks.
"Your whole life is a bad horror movie, Wilson," he sighed under his breath, kicking a chair as he passed. "Fuck this chair. Fuck this empty office building. Nobody wants to buy offices anymore."
After a few more minutes of kicking abandoned pieces of officeware and working his way through the dark space, he found a slightly ajar metal door that had a broken lock on it.
"Bingo," he opened it all the way with his foot and pulled a gun off his belt. He walked quietly down the stairs (he can be quiet, in your face, Tony) and stopped halfway when he could see into the room. It was small, and also very horror movie like. He was beginning to think they were all being punk'd. There was a table where three ugly guys were playing cards, a flickering lightbulb hanging from a chain, and- his chest tightened- Peter, tied and gagged to piping on a wall. He inhaled deeply and rolled his shoulders as he stomped the rest of the way down. Natasha was totally right, the shoulder thing made everyone look cool and he was gonna do it from now on.
"Welcome to the Deadpool radio hour!" He shouted in a game-show voice, and the idiots playing cards jumped up in a panic. "Recorded in front of a live studio audience! Today's topic- What happens to three ugly cow-fuckers when they kidnap my sweet love cookie?"
"Listen, fuc-" one of them started. Wade shot him twice in the chest.
"Wroooooooong answer! Contestants two and three care to venture a guess? No? Disqualified, both of you!" He fired two shots into each of their legs. "The answer we were looking for was: they regret it."
"Ahrgfh," Peter muttered around the rag in his mouth. Wade threw himself over and pulled it out. "Thank you."
"Are you okay?" Wade began working on Peter's restraints. "Also, you all tied up is totally kinky and kinda turning me on."
"That's- I missed you."
"I was only gone for like, a few hours. These knots are-" he paused, and then pulled one of his swords off his back. "I'm so stupid." He cut Peter free and set it down.
"Thanks, Wade. You're not stupid," he added as he rubbed his wrists.
"What happened to your face?!" Wade exclaimed, grabbing Peter's head in his hands and inspecting the swelling pre-bruise under his eye.
"Oh, that? You didn't notice that earlier?"
"I was distracted by the fact that you weren't being eaten by giant lizards-"
"That's not even a situation-"
"What happened to your face?!"
"Kidnappers, Wade. They're not exactly worried about my well being."
"I'm gonna kill them," Wade went to stand up and Peter grabbed him.
"Don't. They're goons, and it's just a few bruises-" he tried.
"A few?! Wh- What else- I'm gonna kill them," Wade stood up, and Peter tried to follow him.
"You promised- Ow, ow!" He sucked in a breath and grabbed his side.
"What's wrong?" Wade forgot about murder for the moment and held Peter up.
"Idiot kicked me in my ribcage. And unlike some people, I'm not accustomed to doing that every week."
"I don't break it every week, and I am going to kill-"
Peter rolled his eyes and snatched off Wade's mask so he could lean up and kiss him.
"Boss is gonna get you idiots," one of the goons moaned in agony from the ground. Wade shot him in the side without turning around or moving away from Peter.
"Wade," Peter warned.
"I didn't kill him, I just shot him again. He's fine. Probably. But I don't actually care, because those three are assholes, and you're not dead," he leaned down to kiss Peter again.
"We should probably go, though."
"Yeah. Why do you taste like gas?"
"Dirty handrag."
"Ah," Wade glanced at the three men on the floor. "Real quick, which one of them hit you?"
"Uh, the one you only shot in the legs," Peter gestured at the one attempting to crawl away behind them. "Pretty sure his name is Mick."
"Well, Mick!" Wade turned around and strode over to him. Peter groaned. "You thought it'd feel pretty good to beat up my love cookie, did you?"
"Stop calling me that," Peter sighed, picking up Wade's discarded sword and wincing at the strain on his side.
"Whatever. Let me ask you this, Mick," Wade emphasized the last word and stepped on the guy's hand as he crouched down. Mick exclaimed in pain as Wade ground his hand into the floor. "How's it feel now?"
"Wade!" Peter scolded.
"Yes, sweetums?" Wade stood up and turned, 'accidentally' kicking Mick in the face as he did so. "Ready to go?"
"Stop harassing the help. They just work for the villain guy. Who, by the way," he reached and stuck Wade's sword in it's sheath on his back, "Is called The Red Owl, which I thought you'd like."
"I probably would, if he hadn't kidnapped my sugar muffin."
"Where are you getting these?" Peter snickered. Wade grinned.
"My nicknaming skills are bountiful. Let's go," he headed back to the stairs.
"Your boyfriend is hideous," Mick muttered. Wade paused and turned back to Peter.
"Oh, yeah, uh, mask," he stuck his hand out.
"You are not," Peter handed it to him with a frown. "Mine's over here," he grabbed his mask, webs, and phone off the table.
"Let's go home. Also, I may have lost Nat and Tony," Wade said as he headed up the stairs. Peter waited til he was out of sight and reattached his webshooter.
"Boyfriend is not hideous," he muttered, kicking Mick a couple times before attaching him and the other two to the floor by way of webbing.
"You need some help?" Wade called from the top. Peter considered that.
"Could you carry me?" He called back in his best pathetic voice, leaning against the second step. Wade rushed back down and lifted him up bridal style.
"Pumpkin butt."
"Next."
"Mmm, daddy's-"
"No, nothing with daddy."
"Poodle boy."
"Why poodle boy?!"
"Cos you're cute and fancy and your ears are floppy."
"They're regular ears."
"Mmm."
"Stop biting my ear, Wilson."
"Sorry, prince peach."
"Ehhh."
"Peach butt?"
"Nah."
"Twinkie."
"No."
"Candy man."
"Like the Christina Aguilera song?"
"Yeah!"
"... I'll consider that."
"YES!"
{ sorry these last few chapters have been non-texting and also short and badly written, I'm trying my best over here! don't forget to vote and comment what you want to see more of! }