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Comment Topic: In what ways can the author make the protagonist more memorable?
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Author #1: Heavenlyhash333
Book Title: Numbering the Stars
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1
Summary Thus Far in Book: A prologue from the antagonists point of view, which doesn't come into play until further down the story line. So, nothing really!
Author's Note: Hey there! When Dawn first told me that it was my turn to be spotlighted, I literally almost fell off the couch. That's how much I love NBR, and I feel that this is definitely the most worthwhile contest to join in all of Wattpad. So, a big thank-you goes out to the amazing DawnStarling, and everyone else who helped make this possible.
Now, onto my questions.
1. Do my characters seem 3D, if not, how can I improve them?
2. How is my pacing? I've been told many times that I move everything along too fast.
3. There are so many dystopian future/science fiction novels on Wattpad. It this one original enough to stand out?
Genre: Science Fiction
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Sup! I laughed when I read your author's note because I sorta did the same thing - and it's cool to see I'm not alone in my craziness haha :P Right, let's get down to this review... This read really well! I liked your writing style, and the premise is extremely intriguing. I love all the work you put into developing how people survive in this new and unfamiliar world and the reasons behind it. One little issue I had however, was that the meeting was a little confusing for me. First of all, it seemed like there was a lot of recap. I don't know how long has passed between the ozone layer being destroyed and the meeting, but the way the meeting progresses (that people have questions and that Janeke feels the need at the start of EVERY meeting to reassert what happened) strongly suggests that the people there have no idea what happened. Which was a little weird, I guess. Not only is the recap a little odd, but we get that humanity has effectively broken the ozone later by the time Janeke talks about it, because you mention it at the start of the chapter and in the journal entry and in the synopsis (and in the other synopsis in the "before we start" chapter XD). So even if the people in the meeting don't know what happened, I'd recommend you skip over the ozone layer bit for the sake of the reader, and just go from the UV rays. Or even just the melting of the Arctic. "Since the poles melted, sea levels have risen..." some thing simple like that. Also, tsunamis are usually caused by earthquakes - I think a mere sea level rise would just lead to flooding at best? Unless the entire arctic melted in like, a day, or something, which would be both terrifying and really interesting to write about...hmm... Also, chlorofluorocarbons...it's good that you know your stuff, but I feel most people would just say "CFC's" instead, it's so much simpler :) Food for thought?
Second thing: was the MC invited to the meeting and was heading there from the start of the chapter, or did she just hear voices and decide to see what was happening? Again, the way it was written makes it seem like a bit of both. For example Janeke greets her like "you're just in time!" implying that she was invited and was heading to the meeting. However, she says she hears voices and heads towards it, which suggests it's an impulsive action, and she never mentions in the narrative that she has a place she needs to be - I thought she was just wandering around and killing time at the start. Also the purpose of the meeting is never really explained until she drops the bomb about the SWAT (love the acronym magic there, very well played). I'd suggest if she intended to attend this meeting from the start, mention it early on, so it doesn't seem like she's wandering around aimlessly. Also have either Janeke or Avril explain the actual reason they are meeting from the get-go, to give that scene purpose: "We're here because that there might be a solution to our "situation", but we need your help...", something along those lines, and then maybe you can have the man interrupt angrily about the tsunami instead of opening the floor for questions? That's just a suggestion. As for the characters, Avril has some interesting qualities. However, there is an alarming discrepancy between her action and her thought. In her diary she seems to be jaded, cynical, and appears to view death as something she'd be sorta okay with. BY the way she speaks to Jan, thinks about the little children, seems to harbour no ill-intention to her mother despite the poor treatment, she comes across as a mild, good-natured, grateful and cheerful individual. I don't get any crossover between the two states of mind, so if you'd showed me the diary entry and the character separately I'd be surprised they were the same person.Of course this doesn't mean that you need to make her unreasonably optimistic or really angsty and cynical (please dont) - but I'd like to see at least a little evidence she's not just writing words down on a page without actually feeling it. Maybe she acts cheerful, but she feels that kind of weariness all the time and uses a cheerful demeanour to disguise it? Maybe she's normally happy but every so now and then she gets a twinge of sadness and wonders if she'd be better off if she's dead...? You've got a really interesting opportunity to develop an intriguing character here who has been battered by an apocalypse of sorts but managed to survive through willpower/luck - getting into her mind could be really interesting! I'm interested to see where you'll take her, literally and emotionally - I think this kind of character development could well make her a uniquely memorable character, struggling with her humanity and the will to keep on and save the world vs. give up and be with her dad and friends. As for the others, it's too early to tell, and it's too early to have developed a 3D character. Jan seems eloquent and upbeat, and scientifically adept, so maybe smart? You told me she's selfless, although I haven't got that vibe yet (:P) It's hard to tell as yet if she had ulterior motives. Her mother is, of course, a little messed up - exactly why, again, would be something that would be fun to develop before you shot her. (Consider moving the explanation about her mother blaming her for her father's death forwards to this chapter - although by the way it's phrased in this chapter I thought she was a little envious that her daughter was only productive when her father was around and now that she's alone she's not pulling her weight and maybe insecure that her daughter liked her father better than her etc etc...) Also "I barely have enough to feed my daughter" makes her sound like she cares (or was it a guilt trip lol), so there may be hidden depths yet...The ending was...I'm still a little bit in shock, actually, because it came completely out of the blue. He just shot her, straight up? Why??? Did he think he was in genuine danger from this random woman and shooting her was the only option, or is he just really ruthless? (I was so confused, sorry). Granted, the mother was sort of a terrible person - but we don't even know that much for sure. Maybe she was just really overprotective? Bearing in mind this guy is going to end up working with Avril later and he just shot her mother in front of her? (Talk about first impressions -.-'). How was he planning to get her to join after murdering her closest relative without even giving her a chance to step off -- considering he was likely in no real danger? What makes Avril feel like he won't shoot her too if she looks slightly like she's going to do something he doesn't like? This man has displayed exactly zero trustworthy characteristics - even if she hated her mother and was glad he killed her I'd be extremely wary of going anywhere with him. I'm sorry for all the questions, but it was just so sudden, and I feel it's very hard to justify (but if you have a good explanation I'm all ears) realistically. Maybe if he'd tried to calm her down, but she'd refused, gone for the gun and threatened to shoot them - or maybe he actually is a ruthless cold-hearted guy under orders to bring Avril back, damn the consequences, and essentially forces her to come with them -- then I could understand. Try as to explain this, because it's such a big "um, WHAT?!" moment. If it's a world thing - like people (or the men in black specifically) act like this all the time, have the MC explain it to us. If it /was/ completely unprecedented...a little more emotional response would have been pretty useful, some kind of anger, if not straight sadness. I feel a little like you killed her off just to advance the plot (characters are precious!!) Cool, that's that bit over :)But in regards to pace, that was the only real area when things moved too quickly. In fact, in some ways I am tempted to say it moved a little too slowly (;-;) especially at the beginning; again, this was because there was no real purpose established in the early parts, and there was a lot of repetition of the setting. Don't get me wrong, I love good worldbuilding, and here you've clearly done a lot to develop the mechanics of the post-minus-ozone layered world. The concept is unique and I haven't seen anything along these lines, especially on wattpad - most of the dystopians around seem to be in the form of superpowered humans vs authoritarian government. At the moment I would actually be tempted to classify it more as a post-apocalyptic sci-fi. (cue genre war) There's so much potential for this story - a man vs. nature plotline - trying to survive a harsh and barren Earth while contemplating at their foolishness in squandering it's beauty (cue climate change aesop), a man vs. man vs. nature plot if you do go for an authoritarian government - what's a dystopia without one? Or even a man vs. nature vs. authoritarian government vs. slightly dickish aliens from the prologue -- also looking to see where that plot extract comes in because it sounds VERY intriguing. There are so many directions this could go - and I think that sets it apart from other dystopians out there. tl;dr: avoid info-dumping, especially the same information multiple times. make the character's thoughts and actions consistent and realistic. love the premise and the potential. the prologue, by the way, kicked all kinds of ass - a really brilliant way to open the story. Good luck with this - I think with a bit of revision over the main points this could be a really well-written and thought out novel :DNetwork with this Winner: twin_cities
1st Runner Up: ariel_paiement1
2nd Runner Up: masheena
Final Author's Note: To start off, I just want to say that I literally cannot believe all of the amaing support I've received in the last week. You guys blew me away! I got so excited every time one of you commented, because I knew that more help was on the way! This book is my little baby, and I loved being able to share it with my fellow NBRians.
In the end, I decided to choose twin_cities comments because not only did she provide me with helpful edits, she introduced me to aspects of my story that I had never thought about before. A few things didn't quite add up, and she pointed them out to me. Thanks again twin_cities, to ariel_paiement1, as well as masheena and everyone who commented! ---
Author #2: exphiring
Book Title: Alive
Specified Chapter: Lifeless Eyes
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Hello fellow NBR-ians.
This is my first time making a book like this so criticism is very appreciated.
1) Since first chapters are always 'meh,' how should I improve it?
2) What did you feel throughout the chapter?
3) How did I do in portraying the characters?
That's all thank you.
Genre: No More Bullying
Rating: PG
Winning Comment:Awesome writing, only a few things to critique (1/4) Dear Writervid, What an interesting and a tiny bit scary story you have here! The story really hooked me from the beginning. So, I'll say well-done! I did, however, catch a few minor narrative "bumps." A bump is something in the writing or description that causes me to lose the sense of being captivated by the story. These bumps are usually very minor issues that can be remedied by changing a few words or phrases or a sentence or two. I will identify some of these here.
First, I believe KevinXValentine already mentioned being confused by the opening of this chapter. I also felt a little disoriented until I realized what was happening. Once I realized the scene, it was already too late. I had to reread the top part to get it. Here's what I think you were going for: Gertie and Helga (the older of the two) are giving their prayers in honor of it being Accusation day. In nearby kitchen, Karina is churning the butter for the event using a "dasher" or long stick. This dashing the cream is what makes the "thump" sound. Karina is listening to the prayer, but starts to respond physically to what is being said in the prayer. When they say, "guard against evil spirits, yagas, and warlocks," she becomes nervous and "shuffles across the floor," her breathing is unsteady and a "scrape" sound occurs as she drags the butter bowl (which is more like a pot or urn) along with her. Then, they say "yield to your ancestors," which gets her perhaps enraged given her view of the village and she knocks over the butter bowl without realizing it. This causes the initial conflict. (I think I got that right?)
There are few reasons why that opening and all the wonderful nuances you had there might not make it to the reader. The first reason is that most readers have little idea of what churning is and won't even think that might be happening. So without a direct reference to her dashing butter, the readers might think of the thumping as some kind of drumming or lyric (which is what Kevin did). Second the actions occurring are written in italics, which often signals mental action or internal dialogue not physical action. Finally, readers don't' have a sense that they in or near a kitchen area. One way to improve the clarity of the opening scene could be to embed more description of the scene within the narrative. (Oh, also remove those italics.) It might read something like this: __ Thump, thump, thump. "Be good, be kind," they prayed. Thump, thump, thump. "Be fair, be gentle." Karina glanced at them, careful not to stop her churning. Thump, thump, thump. "Treat your elders with respect." The two sisters held a deep look of concentration on their faces. Helga's brown hair bounced as she bobbed slightly with her chanting; even Gertie's block locks wavering despite her stillness. Thump, thump, thump. "Guard against evil spirits, yagas, and warlocks." Thump... Evil? Thump. Karina scuffled backwards into the kitchen, her eyes falling from Gertie, who was only eight. Did Gertie really believe that yagas and warlocks were evil? All of them? Thump. [Okay, I made up these details just as an example of what could go here. I don't know how old they are or what they look like. I guess I could have given one of them purple hair. Lol.] "And above all, defend and yield to your ancestors." She retreated further back, scraping the urn along the floor. Then: Clatter!There are a few other minor things here and there that I wanted to mention that are easy fixes. First, I recommend that you use the word "urn" instead of butter "bowl." An urn and a bowl conjure different images in the mind. Also, I think this urn should be more a pot made possibility of clay or stone. An urn would "clatter" and would also be breakable. Second, again a minor issue here. In the paragraph beginning with Karina felt her face flush with shame... I recommend moving the line word "servant," because the sentence "The servant walked outside..." might lead the reader into thinking that Karina was accompanied by a house servant rather than her being the servant. You later describe her servitude, so that word is not necessary here. Third, I'm still not sure what is meant with the use of iron shavings. I used to be a history buff, but it isn't coming to me. That part need to be clarified some. Fourth, what becomes of Lilith in the end? Does she actually do something? I wasn't sure. Maybe a small narrative clue as to what Lilith will do, especially given her small size. Finally, Karina sees a slash of blond hair. If you look up at the sample opening I have, I gave Gertie blond hair. This was to suggest that maybe Karina might know who it could have been. Oh, yeah, one more thing. Any chance of changing Helga's name to something that doesn't sound like Olga? And any chance the readers can meet this Olga person? Again all of these are very, very minor. Basically, you're a pretty amazing writer.I think I have already answered your questions about this piece from my comments above. However, here's some of things I liked about this chapter.First, this piece here is clean and tight. The tension is layered. I especially liked the odd compliment that Lilith gave out. Here, Karina doesn't realize she just opened up the doorway for Lilith to take something different than bread—something very foreboding.Second, I did like the opening scene. You had a good concept going there. I thought it was a clever approach to add in those physical reactions to the prayer.Third, I enjoy the wonderful conflicting attachments that you have sparked in the reader. We feel sympathetic for Karina, but wonder why she can't handle iron shavings (one of those yaga tests from long ago). We are excited that Karina has a friend in the form of a cute little doll, but see that this doll is extremely dangerous. In the words of Ray Bradbury, "Something wicked this way comes." All of these revelations were masterfully interwoven into this very short chapter. Fourth, you clearly showed your writing skills. You provided just enough detail to allow the readers to construct their own mental pictures of the doll. You also embedded detail and characterization within the story line. You demonstrated the effectiveness of combining physical action with characterization and dialogue. There's an excellent movement of the character and momentum to the plot here. You also have a great way of leaving the reader in suspense at the end of the chapter. That makes us want to scroll onward.Well done! I can learn a lot from reading more of your work.Thanks,Chay
Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias
1st Runner Up: EmilyCharlotteCooledge
2nd Runner Up:Tegan1311
Final Author's Note:Hi, everyone! First of all, I would like to thank you all for making this such an amazing week. You all were so supportive, thorough, and helpful, and I could not have asked for better commenters. I wish I could have chosen all of you (and believe me, it was hard to choose!) but in the end I chose ChayAvalerias as the winner because he (and here comes an answer in paragraph form):
He provided a really objective view of the chapter and analyzed everything, from grammar to description to my tricky opening sequence. He also really connected with Karina, completely understanding her psychology and how she felt about the different events that occurred. He also took the time to read the prologue, which I am incredibly thankful for. And to top it off, he reached out to me through PM and provided me with a sample of his own writing that is definitely going to help me later on. Thank you! EmilyCharlotteCooledge was chosen as the first runner up because she was thorough in every aspect of the chapter and because she was straightforward, direct, and critical of all of it. She gave me very useful feedback based on the logic of all of it. Thank you!Tegan1311 was chosen as the second runner up because she looked at the big picture in a way that was both critical and objective. From grammar to description to word choice, she was on it, and she was also super positive about all of it. Thank you!I really appreciated all of your help (and still do, seeing as that was in past tense). Shoutouts to twin_cities, swiftiegirl1010, Regular_Guy, IVM992, masheena, RutherJake (who made me laugh with #NotNBR ), and AmeVicky02. You all were particularly incredible and I am so honored that you commented (I'm also fearing I've forgotten someone...). Thank you so much to everyone who commented!
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Author #3: writervid
Book Title: Night Witch
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1
Summary Thus Far in Book: In the prologue, Karina's mother was burned at the stake for being a yaga, or a witch, by a man named Duras. That same night Karina's father hung himself. Karina, feeling resentful and angry towards the villagers (whom she blamed), took a vow of silence against them. At the end of the night she hid in her house and ordered her doll to comfort her, which it did (because it was magical) This first chapter is set 8 years later, and Karina is 16. Since nothing else has been explained, I won't explain anything else.
Author's Note: Hi, everyone! (I'm incredibly excited right now). I would like to thank Dawn and her amazing board and enforcers for this incredible opportunity! And you for reviewing this chapter. I really appreciate advice, so feel free to get out your weapons and use them on my work! Tear it up, guys!
Here are my questions:
1) What do you think of the characters Karina and Lilith?
2) What confused you if anything confused you?
3) When did I have your attention and when was it slipping?
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG
Winning Comment:Hello Sofea, Your writing has a "raw" and "forceful" quality to it. You clearly want to make an impression and you do. You are right the topic can be hard for some. I want to refer back to what sarahklwilson posted earlier. Keep in mind that Sarah writes pretty fast-paced, intense, and character- driven novels. She has published two e-books of the first two books in the Ex-Pacifist series. (To learn more, see her website at in her comments, Sarah asked you to give the readers more depth to the characters and more structure to your storyline (Sarah, btw, the other chapters are also about Yvonne so there is a continuing plot.) I agree with her, but I also remember that you are in high school and this is your first time writing something like this for a review. So, to help me get into the right mood I pulled out the binders of stories, poems and novel-attempts I wrote when I was between 15- 18- years old. Boy, did I have a laugh reading what I wrote back then! I shook my head at the outrageous writing errors I committed or overwhelming the "telling" (instead of showing) that characterized my work. Then, I smiled at my youthful confidence and seemingly endless imagination that conjured up all kinds of characters and storylines. I remember actually announcing to my friends that I was a writer at a ripe age of 16. I even carried around a tiny notepad and pen everywhere I went in case inspiration hit me. When I was 17, I convinced my mother to let me skip school for a day so I could finish a story that I started writing the night before and was still working on. (She called in sick for me, but not before telling the school nurse that I had a bad case of diarrhea! Thanks, mom!) So with those fond memories, I want to offer just two pieces of advice to help improve your writing overall. Camera Zooming (1/2) First, you have probably already heard by now about this "showing versus telling" thing.
In and then zooming in ( Camera 1) to get how Yvonne feels or thinks about it.
See this example. Here's what you wrote:--Her friends laughed at the insult. Yvonne stood back up and was about to leave when a hand wrapped around her neck and slammed her into the wall. "Who said you could leave? I'm not done with you, freak," Crystal hissed.--The above is all Camera 2. Now, insert some of Camera 1:--Her friends laughed at the insult. (C2) At first, Yvonne didn't understand what was so funny. Then, she realized that they were laughing at her. (C1) Yvonne stood back up and was determined [note that the word "determined" is C1] to leave when a hand wrapped around her neck and slammed her into the wall. She couldn't believe what was happening. [C1] The shock of it paralyzed her. [C1] "Who said you could leave? I'm not done with you, freak," Crystal hissed.your writing, you do "show" the readers what is happening but also have a lot of telling as well. So, this skill is still developing. Which is just fine. = - ) Now, I want to re-introduce the concept of the twin- cameras and the zooming in and zooming out. I actually presented this idea back in round 19 for flamingsky and her book, "Cloaked." I posted quite a few comments before you posted on her chapter. In the chapter, her main character, Claec attempts to break free or at least get some kind of tool to help him and his friends escape their imprisonment. Although the book is written in first person, the same concept apply. Here's what I posted back then: -- Let's pretend that your story is actually a movie set and you are the director. Because you are not as good as Steven Spielberg and because the company is cheap, they only gave you two cameras. Both had a major defect. Camera 1 could only see what was happening inside Claec's head (e.g, his thoughts); Camera 2 could only see or hear or feel through Claec's eyes, ear or skin about what's happening around him. So if you re-read this chapter looking for instances of Camera 1 and Camera 2, you might find that Camera 2 sort of took a vacation (That's what the company gets for paying such low wages!) So, when it comes to "showing" and "slow motion," think; Camera 2. I will highlight three examples here from your story in the remaining posts. Camera Zooming (2/2) In your story, your Camera 1 (what's happening inside the character) took a vacation. We have plenty of Camera 2 (what's happening outside the character.) So, my first advice is to put both your Cameras to work! Play with; (1) describing Yvonne's thoughts, (2) giving the reader her internal dialogue, and (3) showing the reader a flashback or two. Once you got those cameras working, practice zooming in and out to get the whole scene of what's going on.
--
Notice the difference in the writing there. In the second passage, the story gets more real, more intense. The reader can actually see Yvonne from the inside.Deepening Your Characters (1/1)My second piece of advice follows along what Sarah Wilson suggested about making your characters more complicated. This second part actually takes a little bit of experience to develop. We can get some hints from psychology. Google "Johari's Window." You'll see that most people have three dimensions that can be easily captured by a writer: what everyone knows about the person including the person, what others see but the person doesn't, and what the person seems and knows about her/himself but others don't see. When developing your characters, you might consider these different aspects.Now let's talk about personality traits. Consider that people are never black- and- white, but all kinds of colours. Usually, a person has a dominant character feature or trait that makes her or him who they are. There are also less dominant traits they have as well. In many cases, a person can have contradictory traits (e.g; the really sweet boy who also bullies his little brother.) A fun way to think about the characters (other than making them based on your own friends and family!) is to look up the descriptions from the zodiac. I, myself, am a Libra, but so is my brother and my mother. While we have traits in common, we have different traits that are more dominant.So, in order to make the story occurring inside the character (Camera 1) more fascinating, make the character more complex. Show the readers the hidden self or the character's blind spot.nShow the readers how the character has different sides or facets to her or his personality. Give your character quirks, both good and bad. Make her or him silly and sad and hopeful and angry and determined all at once, but to different degrees.I hope my suggestion have been helpful. Keep on writing and learning about writing. Being masterful at writing takes time. You are already on your way there.Best wishes,Chayton
Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias
1st Runner Up: RebelDynasty
2nd Runner Up: EmilyCharlotteCooledge
Final Author's Note: First of all, I would like to say thank you so much for everyone who commented. Each and every single your comments were helpful and informative. Congratulations to the three winners. Again, a massive thanks to all of you. Here's some brownie points for you :)
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