30. UNDESERVING
As he approached Aiden's bedroom door, Julian couldn't shake how nervous he felt. The door was closed, as he expected it to be, but he could hear Aiden shuffling around inside. Julian sighed heavily and leaned his head against the door, knocking twice before speaking.
"It's me," he called out. The inside of the room immediately grew quiet as Julian tried to turn the doorknob only to find that Aiden had locked himself in. "Let me in, please? After everything that has happened tonight, can we make one attempt at trying to hold a civil conversation with each other?"
Seconds passed before Julian heard the lock on the door click.
His pulse had skyrocketed when the door opened. There stood Aiden in a fresh new suit looking as handsome as ever, despite the angry expression on his face.
"What more is there left to say?" Aiden muttered. "I fucked up. You fucked up. We both made mistakes. What else is there left for us to discuss?"
As Aiden started to close the door, Julian quickly slid into the room.
"I'm sorry that I spazzed out on you, okay?" Julian started. "I shouldn't have been that aggressive. It's just that the anger that I felt, that I still feel, I can't fathom why you went and put yourself in danger like that. A part of me wants to believe it's because you acted out on impulse, but the other part of me believes you did it because you were angry that I left to be with Lance."
Aiden broke off eye contact at the sound of Lance's name.
"You really should have been smarter in thinking that you didn't need to give me a ring when Jeremy reached out to you about Clarissa." Julian, his emotions getting the best of him again, wanted desperately to reach out and touch Aiden, but his arms were crossed, and he looked like he didn't want to be bothered. "And you're right, I should have been there with you and Cassie tonight. But how could I have been when you never called to tell me what was going on? So, you can't make me out to be the only bad guy here."
Aiden turned away from his lover because Julian's words hit him like a freight train. The truth hurt. Julian was more than right, and Aiden couldn't deny a word that he said. As much as he hated to admit when he was wrong, to make things right with Julian, Aiden had no other choice but to do just that.
"I overreacted," Aiden said. "I'm sorry."
"Overreacted?" Julian scoffed, shaking his head as he moved closer to Aiden. "You got pissed at me for all the wrong reasons. You got upset because you think that I chose Lance tonight over you when in reality, it wasn't like that at all." Julian grabbed Aiden by the arm, making him turn around to face him. His normally compelling green eyes were now red and puffy, almost as if he'd been crying. "I don't get why you don't understand that he wasn't the only one to lose someone that he loved tonight. Lance and I were very close and so was I with what little family he had left. That woman meant a lot to me, Grayson. And now she's gone within the blink of an eye. I mean, goddamn it I was there when she took her last breath... I'm fucking grieving and you're standing here pissed at me because of what? I went to send my condolences to someone that I cared about? How in the world can you get mad and punish me for that?"
Aiden shut his eyes in pain, unable to face Julian as guilt slapped him hard. His breath caught in his throat and his chest grew tight, making it hard to breathe. Aiden knew that he deserved to feel this way, like shit, and he had no one to blame but himself because it was his own selfishness, stupidity, and unwavering jealousy that landed him and Julian in the rocky place that they're in right now.
Aiden had been too busy throwing a pity party when one didn't need to be thrown; meanwhile, he completely ignored the fact that Julian was hurting. Here he was doing everything but making things better for him. Aiden was so concerned about Julian and Lance reconnecting romantically that he hadn't stopped to think about what Julian was feeling, who he'd just lost, nor had Aiden stopped to ask what he needed from him, if anything.
Instead, he was too busy focusing on what wasn't happening rather than what was.
"Clayton was right," Aiden whispered, opening his eyes to see Julian staring back at him. "I don't deserve you. You're too good for me. And I... I'm no good for you at all."
No matter what they were going through, Julian didn't agree with that at all.
"Baby, don't say that." Julian brought a hand to Aiden's face and wiped away the tears falling from his eyes. "We're right for each other. We just have a few things that we need to work on, that's all. And at the end of the day, there's not another man that I'd rather be with than you. But, at the same time, speaking on our relationship, you're not exactly making any of this easy for me. Every time that I feel like we're making progress something gets in the way and we're taken right back to where we started, butting heads. I can't live like that. Either we're good or we're not. Either we both try to change for the better starting now, or..." Julian paused. "Or maybe we should just end this now. If being in a relationship is too much for you, maybe we should quit while we're ahead."
"That's the last thing that I want!" Aiden pulled Julian into a hug, holding on to him tightly as if Julian were to disappear at any moment. "Don't give up on me, please."
"I'm not," Julian whispered, hugging Aiden back. "I promise I'm not."
"I really am sorry for not being there for you like I should have been," Aiden said. "I'm sorry for letting my jealousy blind me and for causing you so much pain. I'm sorry for hiding you, not claiming you. I'm sorry for being selfish and for not calling you about Clarissa and for putting Cassie in danger. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. But most of all, Julian, I'm so sorry for your loss tonight." It was then that Julian broke down. Aiden's arms tightened around his lover as he cried. "I can't change overnight, Jules. I'm still going to fuck up every now and then. I'm probably going to hurt you even when I don't mean to, but you can't give up on me. I won't let you."
They stood there and held each other until Julian's sobs came to a quiet end. And for every tear that he shed, the weight on his shoulders steadily grew lighter. Fighting with your significant other was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Neither Julian nor Aiden wanted to go through another replay of this night, that was something that the both of them could agree on.
"We're going to be late for the charity event," Julian broke the silence.
"Don't worry about it." Aiden grabbed Julian's hand before he turned to walk away from him.
"Why not?" Julian asked.
"Because what we have going on right now is more important," Aiden answered, bringing Julian back into his arms. "Besides, I never wanted to go to that stupid event in the first place, and especially not while pretending to be someone that I'm not. So fuck it. I'm done faking it for the cameras. I won't put you or Cassie through this madness anymore. It ends tonight."
"But your mother..." Julian broke away and said. "Your family is expecting you and Cassie to be there. You were down for it the other day. What's changed?"
"A lot, starting with the thought of you leaving me," Aiden admitted. "I can't bear to lose you, Julian."
"I'm not going anywhere." Julian managed to crack a smile. "We can still go to your mother's event."
Aiden shook his head. "I meant what I said." Before he or Julian could make a move or say anything else, Aiden's phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the caller I.D. It was his mother. He answered it, reluctantly. "Hey, mom."
"Kyle said that you and your new lady friend were coming down this evening. Where are you?" Lydia asked. "The event has already started. Is everything alright? "
"No, actually." Aiden went to sit at the edge of his bed, Julian joining him. "But it's nothing for you to worry about. I have everything under control. But about me coming to the event tonight—"
"Oh, don't worry about it," his mother said. "Just tell me what's going on with you. You sound funny. Do I need to come by and check on you?"
"No," Aiden replied. "I've just had a little development with my stalker situation. More bad news. I'm just a little stressed right now, but I'll be alright."
"I don't like the tone of your voice, son." Lydia sighed, sensing that something more serious was wrong. "What aren't you telling me, Aiden? You know that you can tell me anything, right?"
"Yes, I know," Aiden whispered, his anxiety rising. "There actually is something that I have to tell you, something personal, but I can't do it over the phone. I'll need to see you face to face. It'd just be better that way."
"Name the place and time and I'll be there," Lydia said.
"Give me a couple days, and I'll think of something," Aiden replied. "But are you sure that you're okay with me not coming tonight? I know how much these things mean to you, giving back to the community and all. I'm really sorry to let you down like this. I hate disappointing you. Kyle told me that you were hosting things this year and I—"
"Kyle said that? He must be confused. I'm not hosting the event this year, I'm only presenting a couple of things, it's nothing serious," Lydia said, making Aiden feel less bad for backing out at the last minute. "I mostly wanted you to come so that you could introduce me to your new girlfriend. With all the photos that I've seen taken of you two, you just looked so serious about her. I wanted to meet her."
Aiden replied in a sad tone, "I hate to break this to you, but she's not my girlfriend. The blogs and magazines have it all wrong."
"What do you mean by that, son?" Lydia asks.
"It's nothing that I can say over the phone. I'll tell you about it later." Aiden sighed. "Look, I gotta go now. I love you, mom." She said her goodbyes and then they hung up. "I think I'm finally going to tell her."
"So I've heard," Julian whispered. "Are you sure about this, Grayson? I said that I'd never push you to come out and I meant that. Don't do this to try and please me. Do it because you feel like it's the right time for it."
Aiden reached over and grabbed Julian's hand. "I'm not getting any younger, Julian. Holding all this shit in isn't just hurting me, but you as well. I have to do this. I have to tell her, tell someone and finally get it off my chest because you're better than being my dirty little secret. I should have never let you take on that stupid role in the first place because if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want you to hide me from the world or your family. The fact that you've been doing that for me makes me feel disgusted with myself. I should never have allowed it."
"You didn't force me to do anything that I didn't want to do. I put myself in that position, so if you're going to blame yourself, blame me as well." Julian rested his head on Aiden's shoulder as he stared at their conjoined hands. "Let's talk about something else, please."
Aiden nodded in agreement. "How many days did you say you booked us for at that hotel?"
"Three," Julian answered.
"We'll leave tomorrow and extend our stay once we get there," Aiden said. "Were in need of a break from all the bullshit going on around us. But, for now, we shower and then sleep this horrible day away."
"Shower? Together? Are you trying to seduce me or something?" Julian smirked as they entered the bathroom, hand in hand. "Even though I forgive you for not calling and telling me about Clarissa, I'm still pissed about it. So you can't use sex as a weapon with me. It isn't fair."
"I never said I played fair." Aiden winked and then went to help Julian out of his clothes. He stooped down and removed his shoes and socks, then he paused as his hands went to Julian's belt buckle. "Do you really forgive me for tonight?" Julian couldn't speak as he looked down at the compromising position that Aiden was in. He could only nod, and then gasp in delight as Aiden planted a soft kiss at his navel, continuing to remove his jeans. "I promise to do right by you from now on." Julian stepped out of his jeans as Aiden rose, staring into his eyes. Aiden slid a hand behind Julian's head and kissed him slowly, passionately, later whispering against his lips, "Do you believe me, Jules?"
"I don't know." Julian moaned after Aiden cupped his manhood. "I think I'll need to be convinced...?"
"Okay." Aiden began to undress, smiling cheekily. "No problem."
. . . . .