“Harry, listen to me” Louis said, sitting beside me in the car, “We’re doing this to help you”. I just turned away, staring out the window.
“Please Harry” Louis tried one more time, before sighing and sitting back in his seat. The drive continued in silence.
I knew the boys didn’t want to do this, I truly did. But I still couldn’t forgive them for it.
The car pulled up outside the tall grey building. I couldn’t help but try one last time. “Please. Don’t do this” I pleaded, staying in my seat. Liam sighed, “I’m sorry Haz, but this is to help” He soothed, before getting out of the car and moving around to my door, opening it.
His hand undid my seat belt and he pulled me out of the car, even though my hands clutched at the seat. “Please” I begged, not wanting to go in there.
Liam’s arm clamped around my shoulders as he guided me forward, walking me towards the grey building. Soon we were walking through the doors, Louis holding my hand tightly, Liam still guiding me forwards and the others boys hanging around.
We approached the front desk and I tried to pull away again. “I’m Liam Payne; I called earlier about Harry Styles?” Liam said, keeping a firm grip on me as he talked to the receptionist.
“Yes, I’ll just page a nurse and they’ll accompany Mr Styles to his room, if you could hand me his bag?” The receptionist said perkily, gesturing for me to hand my bag over. I held onto it, shaking slightly.
“Its part of our protocol, we need to search the bag to make sure there is nothing to hurt you with in it” The receptionist said, taking the bag gently out of my arms, as a nurse rounded the corner.
They wouldn’t find any things I could hurt myself with in the bag, Niall packed it. My pockets however, were a completely different story.
I had three blades in my left pocket, one stashed in my waistband and even one in-between one of my bracelets and my skin.
I mumbled goodbye to the lads, who promised to visit me often. Then I followed the nurse down the endless corridors.
I had one razor left. They found the ones in my pocket when I got changed the next morning and they took the clothes for ‘laundry’.
The one in my bracelets fell out yesterday morning. They didn’t say anything; a nurse just calmly picked it up and removed the rest of my bracelets.
I fingered my remaining blade, kept in my pillowcase. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to be home. With the boys. I knew they put me here. And I knew they were right to do so. But I still didn’t want to be here.
I didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. I know it sounds harsh to say it like that. But I don’t. Not if I’m stuck in this place.
So I had a plan. I was checked on every half an hour or so. So I had to do it fast.
I had sessions with a therapist everyday. She would ask me how I was feeling. And I would grunt. Then we would sit in silence, her hoping I would speak and me hoping for the session to end.
“I know what you’re planning Harry” She said, in my last session before I planned to do it. I just grunted. “I’ve seen it before”. I grunted, looking at my hands. “Harry, think of your friends, your band-mates. How do you think they’d feel if you died?” She asked, leaning forward slightly.
The silence continued, then… “They’d hurt” I whispered, my voice almost inaudible. I saw her flinch slightly, surprised I’d spoken.
“Why would they hurt Harry?” She pressed voice soft and gentle. “Because…” My voice trailed off.
“Because?” She prompted, the curiosity in her voice making me lift my head. She had blue eyes, I noticed dryly, not having taken in her appearance before.
“Because they love me?” My whisper came out like a question and she nodded slightly. “They love you Harry” She confirmed. I nodded.
“Can I go back to my room now?” I asked quietly and she nodded. “Can you come? Please?” My voice sounded weak, almost as if I was begging.
Her eyes searched my face, before she nodded. We stood up and I led her back to my room, taking a deep breath before walking toward the bed.
I shoved my hand into the pillow, withdrawing the blade. I walked back over to her and pressed it into her palm, taking care not to cut her. “Thank you Harry” She said softly, wrapped her hand over the blade.
I nodded.
That was the breakthrough.
A month later I stepped outside. I had asked my release to be kept a secret, even from the boys. I wanted to surprise them.
I sat in the taxi that was carrying me home and began to worry. What if they didn’t want me back? Sure, they had visited once a week, but what if they didn’t want me around more then that?
My worries were cut short as we pulled up in front of the apartment building. The one I had left just over two months ago.
I took a deep breathe before stepping in the elevator, pressing the button for floor 8. It was the top floor, with only three apartments on it. One at either end of the corridors and one opposite the elevator doors.
Louis and I shared the left apartment. Niall and Zayn shared the right and Liam had the smaller one opposite the doors. But at this time of day, everyone would be gathered at Liam’s flat.
We always had Wednesday lunches together, at Liam’s place. It was a tradition. I took another breathe, steadying myself as I knocked on the door.
It was a painful minute before the door was opened. Liam’s face appeared around the corner of the door as it opened a small amount, before being thrown all the way open.
“Harry” Liam gasped, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tight. “Did they let you out?” Liam murmured and I nodded. He grinned, pulling back. “You look better, happier” He smiled and I nodded, “I am”.
He led me through to the kitchen, where everyone was sitting around the table. “Who was at the door Liam?” Niall asked, buttering a piece of bread for his soup.
“Take a look for yourself” Liam said, grabbing himself a bowl. “Got enough for one more?” I asked as four sets of eyes jumped to me.
The sound of chairs being scraped backwards filled the room as they bolted towards me, pulling me into a group hug.
“Are you alright Harry?” Louis asked, seeming near tears as we broke apart. I smiled, pulling him in for another hug, “I’m perfect”.