Arriving at Willow's funeral service was extremely nerve wracking. Even though Liam had come with me, I somehow felt alone. Seeing Willow's beautiful face on a big picture in front of her casket was heart breaking.
I was afraid to face her family. From the way Niall talked about his family, I knew they were all high and mighty. I could only imagine how they reacted to the way Willow passed away.
I had never met Willow's father before. She had never really talked about her family because she didn't like to. All I knew was what Niall had once told me. Willow's mother had left her and her father when she was just a toddler. But her father and the rest of their family painted a pretty picture for her and the rest of the world. That family had a lot of money and didn't like to be talked about.
I could only imagine what Willow had gone through with her family while her same was in the tabloids. I should have been there for her. But I wasn't.
I looked down at my black dress checking if I looked presentable before facing her family. My hands were shaking as I took steps forwards.
As I got closer to her father, he looked more and more intimidating. He was a tall man with a lot of facial hair, but the facial hair looked well kept. But was scared me the most about this encounter was the way he held no emotion in his facial expression. It was like he had a wall blocking any emotion from escaping for people to see. It didn't make sense to me. This was his daughter's funeral.
I walked up to him and he immediately recognized me.
" what are you doing here?" He asked me in a harsh tone.
At first I froze in place. I should have expected this kind of reaction but I really wasn't expecting anything. I hadn't thought about it really.
" I'm so sorry" I whispered.
" this is all your fault. If it wasn't for you, Willow would still be here" he glared at me.
This time I stayed quiet. I knew he was right. It really was my fault. If it wasn't for me, Willow would had probably gone back home after a couple of rough months for her with the agency. If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't had gone down spiral like she did. I abandoned her and that's why she isn't here anymore.
At that point I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt as if I was about to have a panic attack in front of everyone here.
" uncle Keith, I invited Cailin. Willow would have wanted her here" Niall said as he stepped in front of me.
" well after today, I don't ever want to see her again" Willow's father declared before walking away. As I watched her father walk away, my anxiety disappeared. It was a relief that he was away from my sight.
Then Niall turned to me with a soft smile.
" are you okay?" He asked.
" I don't know yet" I shrugged.
He immediately pulled me in for a hug, trying to comfort. But I still felt alone. When Niall heard about what had happened. I tried to avoid answering his questions. It was a bit too much for me to handle. When he realized what I was doing, he stopped asking questions. Instead he asked Liam the questions. Unfortuntely for them, I had heard the whole conversation.
Liam had told Niall about our drug abuse. Niall already knew about WIllow, but he was shocked about me. But I was glad he hadn't brought it up to me, yet. I wasn't ready to talk about it.
" I'm gonna go use the bathroom, are you good, Cai?" Liam asked as he looked around the funeral home.
I simply nodded my head.
Niall tried pulling a conversation with me but it was no use. I could hardly keep up with him. My mind would stop. I hadn't had a full conversation with anyone, not even Liam, since I was in the hospital. My mind would always go back to Willow.
Looking around the funeral service once again, made me finally focus on something other than Willow.
It was Harry, Zayn and Louis slowly walking in. They were all dressed in black suits which was a major change from their regular clothes. I wondered what they were doing here and how they even knew about this service for Willow.
" did you invited them too?" I asked Niall.
He simply nodded.
I sometimes forgot that the rest of the world didn't know what really happened behind the curtains. I forget that for them, I just abandoned my career. So instead of complaining, I just stayed quiet. The less the world knew, the better.
Zayn seemed distraught. As if he hadn't slept in days. It surprised me. It did because to me, it didn't seem like Zayn cared that much about Willow anymore. But that only happened because of my mistakes with Carter. Forcing her to keep my secret destroyed their relationship.
Louis was the first to see me from the crowd of people. Instead of saying anything or even coming over to me, he gave me a soft smile. That soft smile reminded me how much cared for him as a good friend. I hated the way everything ended just because of secrets. I hated that I had lost such good friends.
I watched Harry's eyes search around the room until he met mine. As soon as his eyes made contact with mine, he let out a breath he seemed to be holding. Unconsiously I did the same thing. I hadn't even realized I had been holding my breath.
Soon enough Harry started making his way towards me. Instead of feeling nervous, I felt fine. Seeing him here, I didn't feel angry anymore. I glanced over at Niall, only to realize he wasn't there anymore. He was talking with an older women, maybe his grandmother.
" hey"
I looked forward only to be face to face with Harry.
" hi" I said coming out more like a whisper.
I noticed the way his eyes searched my eyes for something.
" I wanted to come and make sure you were doing okay" Harry said.
" my mind's a mess" I confessed with a half smile
" I'm sure it is" he chuckled softly.
My mind went back to the morning when we first woke up in bed together. He had been such a jerk to me that morning even though we had had sex hours prior. I remember hating him for the way he was treating me. I remember hating him lots of other times because of the way he treated me again and again. But looking at him now, even after everything he did to me, I was standing in front of a completely different person.
Harry had changed. He was here for me even when I didn't want him to be.
After Liam told me about Willow that night in the hospital, I still didn't allow Harry in my room. But Liam was assure me that Harry was still right outside my room waiting for me. He slept in those uncomfortable waiting seats, for me.
" thank you" I said
" for what?" he asked.
" for being there for me in the hospital, for being here for me now" I nodded.
" I'll always be here for you, Cai" he said.
As his hand softly brushed my shoulder, I leaned into him so that my head was on his shoulder. His hand immediately went down to my lower back pulling me closer to him. We hand't been this close since the day I moved out of the apartment. That had been the last time we were in each other's arms. This was the first time I felt comforted in a long time. I missed this. I missed this feeling.
" Harry?" I called out without moving an inch.
" yeah?" he answered.
" I forgive you" I whispered.
But Harry didn't respond. He stayed quiet. We both did after that. Because we both knew what I meant by what I said.
I forgave him, I really did. But we could never get back together. We were too toxic for each other. Our relationship had been too tarnished for it too recover. Being close friends would be too hard on us. After all, we still loved each other deeply. It pained me knowing that the only way both of us would turn out okay would be if we stay away from each other.
I knew it was the right thing to do
Harry knew it was the right thing to do.
I stayed in his arms until it was time for Willow's service. From there, we took our separate ways. We sat on opposite sides of the funeral home. But the important thing for me was that he had stayed. He could have just left after talking to me. He didn't know Willow that well. But he stayed.
So I wondered if I would ever really get over this boy.....
.........this boy who had flipped my life upside down
~
UPDATE! haha
pretty quick update and I hope you guys enjoy it.
So I've been thinking of writing a bonus chapter, I literally just thought of it. So you guys remember how Zayn had stayed with Willow in the previous chapter? I want to do a chapter in either Willow's POV of Zayn's POV of the next morning.
So:
would you like the chapter in who's POV?
and when would you like the chapter? as soon as possible? or after I finish the book?(which should be by next week)
It's been a crazy week and I have no idea how I found time to write this for you all lol
I'm in the middle of finals week, moving to a different apartment and packing for my month long vacation back home
like I said crazy week!
anyways, today I got a copy of Before by Anna Todd! I'm super excited to read it since I haven't read the Wattpad version. But I promised myself I would only read it when I leave for my trip, after all it is a 24 hour flight trip.
also! today I noticed that Just For Show is #891 on the Fanfiction listing on Wattpad!!!!!!
thats so exciting for me haha
thank you all so much, you all mean so much to me
spread the love <3