Hardin grabs two pillows off the bed and I pull the comforter off to hand to him.
"No, you use that. I will get a blanket from the hall closet." He says and exits the room.
"Okay." I quietly answer even though I am alone in the room.
I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of watching Hardin break down in front of me. I never, ever thought that I would ever witness anything like that from him.
He was so raw, so vulnerable. I feel like the dynamic between Hardin and I is constantly changing and shifting, one of us always having the upper hand. Right now I am positive that I do, but I don't want to. I don't trust myself to be in control of what happens between us. Up until a few hours ago I had it all figured out but now after seeing him that way my mind is muddled and my thoughts clouded.
Hardin returns with two blankets in his arms and sits them down on the floor. I feel a little guilty because he will be sleeping on the concrete floor of our.. this apartment but considering everything he has done, that's not too bad.
I had planned to take a shower tonight but I am going to wait until the morning, I just want to change and lay down. I am not sure how much sleep I will actually get but I don't have the energy to shower right now. I climb off the bed and grab the small pile of clothes from the end of the bed. Hardin watches me as I walk into the closet and pull the door closed behind me. Once I am dressed in the shorts and t-shirt, I regret not grabbing pants. Hardin obviously has seen me in much less clothing, no clothing at all, but I feel oddly exposed in the cotton shorts.
Taking a deep breath, I open the door and pad back to the bed. Hardin is laying on his makeshift bed, his long body taking up most of the spare room on the floor. I feel his eyes on me until I reach the safe haven of the bed, tucking myself under the thick blanket and letting out the breath I was holding.
"Do you want me to turn the television on?" He asks after minutes of silence.
"No, if you want to you can but I am okay without it." I answer.
I wish that I would have grabbed my nook out of my bag so I could read until I fell asleep. Maybe reading the demise of Catherine and Heathcliff's lives would make mine seem easier, less traumatic. Catherine spent her whole life trying to fight her love for that man, on and off until the day she begged for his forgiveness and claimed she could not live without him, only to die hours later. I could live without Hardin, couldn't I? I won't spend my entire life fighting this, this is only temporary. Right? We won't bring ourselves and other's misery because of our stubbornness and hard heads. Right? I am bothered by my uncertainty of this and I can't help but compare Trevor to Edgar.
"Tess?" My very own Heathcliff calls, breaking me from my thoughts.
"Yea?" I croak.
"I didn't fuck.. sleep with Molly." He says, correcting his foul language.
I stay silent, I want to believe him but I can't allow myself to forget that he is a master of deception.
"I swear it." He adds.
"Why did you say that then?"
"To hurt you. I was just so pissed because you said you kissed someone and I just said the thing that I knew would hurt you the most." I can't see him but somehow I know that he is laying on his back, his arms crossed, hands under his head and staring at the ceiling.
"Did you really kiss someone?" He asks before I can respond.
"Yea." I admit.
I hear the suction of a deep breath and he sighs.
"Only once." I try to soften the blow.
"Why?" His voice is cool yet heated. It's a strange sound.
"I honestly have no idea.. I was mad because of how you were acting on the phone and I had way too much to drink so I danced with him and he kissed me."
"You danced with him? Danced how?" He asks.
I roll my eyes at the fact that Hardin needs to know every detail of what I do, even when we are not together.
"You don't want me to answer that."
"Yes I do." The air between us is thickening again.
"Hardin, we just danced like everyone else was dancing and then he kissed me and tried to get me to go home with him." I stare at the blades on the ceiling fan and I know if we keep talking about this they will stop, unable to cut through the tension.
"Thank you for the nook. It was very thoughtful." I try to change the subject.
"He tried to get you to go home with him? Did you?" I hear him shuffling, giving me the indication that he is now sitting up. I stay flat against the mattress.
"No, do you even have to ask that? You know I would never do that." I snap.
"Well I never thought you would be kissing and dancing at a club either." He barks and I roll my eyes but stay quiet.
After a few beats of silence I speak.
"I don't think you want to get started on the unexpected." I say and hear the blankets shuffle again.
"Tell me, please tell me that you didn't." His voice is right next to me. He sits down on the bed next to me and I move away from him.
"You know I didn't."
"I need to hear you say it. Say that you only kissed him once and you haven't spoken to him since." His voice is harsh but pleading.
"I only kissed him once and I haven't spoken to him since." I repeat, only because I know he desperately needs to hear that words.
I keep my eyes focused on the swirl of ink poking out from the low collar of his shirt. Having him on the bed with me soothes and burns me at once. I can't stand the internal battle I am stuck in the middle of.
"Is there anything else I should know?" He asks softly.
"No." I lie. I am not telling him about the date with Trevor. Nothing happened and it's none of Hardin's business. I like Trevor and I want to keep him safe from the time bomb that is Hardin.
"You sure?"
"Hardin.. I don't really think you are in the position to be hounding me." I say and look into his eyes. I can't help it.
"I know." He surprises me by saying.
"What time are you leaving tomorrow?" He asks.
"I don't know, shortly after I wake up. I am going to take a shower and everything first. Do you want to me leave early?"
"No, no. Not at all, I was just wondering."
"Okay." I sigh. I am drained.
"What's wrong?" The concern in his voice tugs at my chest.
"Nothing, I am just tired."
"Oh, sorry." He says and moves off of the bed.
I ignore the immediate emptiness that takes over me from his absence.
Just as I close my eyes he speaks.
"You really liked the nook?"
"Yea, I really do. It was very thoughtful." I tell him, my eyelids heavy.
Hardin's POV.
"I am glad you liked it, I wasn't sure because I know you don't like the whole digital reading thing but then I thought that your mind would be changed after the conference." I tell her.
"How.. why did you think that?" She asks. I can tell by her voice she is on the verge of sleep.
"I know you." I explain.
"Yea.. I guess you really do." Her voice stops and I look up at the bed to watch her eyes close.
Today has been hell. A hell that I welcomed with open arms, but hell all the same. I never expected to see her when I came home from picking my mum up from the airport. I had came up with a simple lie, my girlfriend wouldn't be available to meet my mum because she would be out of town all week for Christmas. My mother had whined a little but didn't ask too many questions or push my story. She had been so thrilled and surprised really, that I had a woman in my life. I think her and my father both expected me to be alone my entire life. Then again, so did I. I find this amusing, in a twisted way, that I can't go a second without thinking of her when up until three months ago I wanted to be alone. I never knew what I was missing and now that I found it, I can't let it go. It's only her though, no matter what I do I can't shake her.
I tried to stop, tried to forget about her, tried to move on and it was a disaster. The nice blonde that I took out Saturday night wasn't Tessa and no one would ever be. She looked like her, even dressed like her. She blushed when I cursed and seemed a little afraid of me throughout our dinner. She was nice enough yeah, but she was boring. She was missing that fire that Tess has, she didn't scold me for my foul language, she didn't even say anything when I put my hand on her thigh in the middle of dinner. I knew she only agreed to go out with me to fill some fucked up bad boy fantasy she had before she went to church the next morning, but I was using her too. I was using her to fill the void of Tessa and to distract me from Tessa being in Seattle still with fucking Trevor. I felt guilty when I moved in to kiss her, then pulled away. The embarrassment was clear on her innocent face when I practically ran to my car, leaving her stranded at the restaurant.
I sit up further and look at the sleeping girl that I am desperately in love with. Seeing her in the apartment with her clothes in the washer, the apartment clean , and even her toothbrush in the bathroom has given me a little bit of hope. But then again, you know what they say about hope.
I am still holding onto the sliver that exists, the small chance that she may forgive me. If she woke up now, she would surely scream at the sight of me standing over her as she sleeps. I need to take it down a few notches. This behavior and these feelings are so foreign to me that I have no fucking idea how to deal with them. I push a loose strand of her soft hair from her face and force myself away from the bed, back to my pile of blankets on the concrete floor. Maybe I will be able to sleep tonight.
Tessa's POV.
When I wake up I am slightly confused by the familiar brick ceiling above me. It is strange to wake up here after staying in hotels the last week. When I climb out of bed, the floor is cleared. The blankets are folded and sitting on the floor next to the closet. I grab my toiletry bag and head to the bathroom.
"She can't stay today mum. Her mother is expecting her." I hear Hardin's voice from the living room.
"Couldn't we have her mom come here? I would love to meet her." Anne responds. Oh no.
"No, her mother is.. not very fond of me." He says.
"Why not?"
"She doesn't think I am good enough for Tessa I guess. And maybe because of how I look."
"How you look? Hardin don't you ever let anyone make you feel insecure about the way you look. I thought you loved your....style?'
"I do, I mean I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. Except Tessa." My mouth falls open.
"Who are you and where is my boy?" Anne laughs.
"I can't even remember the last conversation we had where you didn't curse me out, it's been years. This is nice." I can hear the happiness in her voice.
"Okay..okay.." Hardin groans and I giggle while imagining her trying to hug him.
"Tessa?" Anne's voice calls. My eavesdropping skills are obviously not up to par.
"Uhmm.. I am just going to take a shower and I will be right out." I mutter and close the bathroom door.