WARNING: SELFHARM
Songfic.
Help.. I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there is no one else to blame.
No one was here to save me this time.. I choked down a sob and shut my eye tightly dragging the blade across my wrists, once, twice, three times, four times. I dropped my head in shame and leet tears pour out and hit my fresh cuts burning them with my salty tears.
Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.
The boys had gone to a signing and won’t be back for the next couple of hours or so giving me a perfect opportunity to just sit here and cry letting out my anger on my wrists. How could Niall have just did that? I felt as if someone had shoved a million bricks into my backpack because I felt as if I were carrying a load of bullshit, lies, broken and empty promises. Empty promises of forever. All the ‘I love you’s’ meant noting, all the kisses meaningless. Everything we ever had or shared was thrown away.
I have lost myself again, lost myself and I am nowhere to be found.
I had pushed away these thoughts, these feelings, these rumors, the photos and comments away for a long time knowing he would never do anything like that to hurt me in any sort of way or form until I saw for myself, then again, and two more times after that always with the same girl and always ended up with me not saying a word and staying.
I lost myself again and I feel so unsafe..
The first time was when I had gotten home late from the pub with Danielle, I heard the moans and watched about a few minutes of Niall fuck that brunette in our bed where we made our memories. It felt as if he ripped my heart right out of my chest and put it in his shoes while he walked around for miles painfully slow. I kept quiet and tiptoed down the stairs and back out. I walked back to the pub and got more to drink. The second time was when I was home, I hid in the closet ready to catch them both in the act, but stopped myself from doing so. I had watched through the whole thing and cried the only time making sure not a sound came from me. When they were done Niall went to drop her off at home which took him about an hour. By the time he came home my eyes went back to normal and I was asleep. The third time was still with the same girl and that’s when I realised it, he actually loved her. The fourth time, I sat outside in my car that was parked outside, but this time without so much tears. I was numb and too used to this. For the first time since I’ve found about the cheating Niall finally told the girl I love you making it hurt more than it did to watch them and know wat was going on.
Before he left we had an arguement about me not being around enough, not trying, I can still hear his words, “Your so selfish! Don’t you ever think about what I want and if I’m happy or not? I try so hard to make you happy and nothing works! Well I’m done trying!” he shouted, his words felt like I was getting punched in the stomach repeatedly.
Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.
I got up from the floor when I heard a car door slam and washed the blood as quick as possible and the pool of blood that was on the floor. “(y/n)?” Niall called out, but I didn’t answer. “(y/n)?” he shouted again this time sounding more worried. I scrubbed harder on the floor frantically until I gave up and let the tears come again. I was on my hands and kness with a wet blood soaked towel in my hands on the floor trying to fight for something that isn’t there and crying. Pathetic. He burst through the door and I didn’t even want to look him in the eye scared of what I’d see on his face. “Why?” he asked dropping to his beside me. I then noticed more pairs of feet at the door stood frozen. “Why (y/n)?” he asks again coming closer, he reaches for me, but I pull back. I looked up to meet a bunch of sad eyes. I looked over to Niall who was staring at my bloody arm, “four cuts..” he says taking my right arm, “four times.. I whisper to myself quietly, but he hears. His facial expression suddenly changes, “I’m sorry” he mumbles and I nod letting out a cold laugh. I yank my arm from his grip and stand up. “For what? Keeping this from me for so long letting me think that I was the one doing things wrong in this relationship? Making me feel so bad about myself while you were in our bed making yourself feel better? For lying to me? For what?” I ask, and now it’s his turn to avoid looking at me. “Please forgive me? I love you and only you, please forgive me? I can’t live without you.. I - I l-love you” he sttuters chocking on his own sobs. I scoff, “now I’m starting to think of all those times you told me you loved me, where those lies too? Are you gonna tell I’m the only one and that you love me and only me? I know that’s a lie considering you’ve done this to me more than four times and haven’t told me about ti once. I heard you tell her you love her.. You don’t need me..” I say, he stands up towering over me. “I do need you, and only you. I will have to live with regret if I lose you. I know I don’t have any excuses for this, but I really do love you and each time I told you I loved you I did and I still do mean it. Please do’t leave me, stay. Love me,” he begs crying , sobbing. “I can only be manipulated for so much ties before I love you starts to feel like a lie..” I say, “Please don’t do this.. I love you, nor het. I don’t want you lose you because of my stupidity.. Don’t go” he’s cying harder now and the tears have came back to me. “It seems you loved her enough to have done this to me in the first place and it seems she loves you enough to have been the second girl. No more sneaking about or worrying, no more trynig to make me happy because I’ll be gone by tomorrow” I say and he only cries harder. “If you go I don’t what I’d do without you.. I’m nothing without you..” he trails off ranting on. “You ripped me to pieces so small I wasn’t sure if I still existed.. I need someone who will be able to help me put those peices back together again and that someone isn’t you, we were bound to give up this fight soon anyways.” I say and he slowly nods, numbly and very slowly, almost hesitant like he knew I was right and which I was. “This is whats best,” I continue. “And this is where it ends.. I won’t be back, I’m sorry Ni” I whisper the nickname I gave him. “But I’m happy you have someoen who won’t be so me.. goodbye” I say and kiss his forehead walking past him quickly and past the boys who looked sad and shocked. My arms was covered in a big gauge and I threw on a sweater grabbing my suitcases I packed hours earlier and left not once turning back. I found love in blue orbs the out dued the ocean, and I fell out of love with eyes as sad as the ocean.
Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me, I am small and needy
CREDITS: http://laestrellas.tumblr.com/