( For everyone commenting about "Don't let me go" OMG yess!! It is so the "After" theme song!! I love it!! xo)
When I finally wake up it is two in the afternoon. I can't remember the last time I slept past eleven, let alone two o'clock but I also have to take into account that I stayed up until four reading and browsing through the wonderful gift from Hardin. It is so thoughtful, too thoughtful, but the best gift I have ever received. I grab my phone off the nightstand and check my missed calls. Two from my mother and one from Landon. A few "Happy Birthday messages clog my inbox, including one from Noah. I am not that into birthdays and never have been but I don't exactly love the idea of being alone on my birthday either. Well, I won't be alone. Catherine Earnshaw and Elizabeth Bennet are much better company than my mother.
I order too much Chinese food and stay in my pajamas the entire day. My mother is irate that I am "sick". I can tell that she doesn't believe me but honestly I don't care. It's my birthday and I can do whatever I choose to do and if what I chose to do is lay in bed with takeout and my new nook then that's what I will do.
My fingers try to dial Hardin's number a few times, but I stop them. No matter how wonderful his present was, he still slept with Molly. Whenever I think he couldn't possibly hurt me worse, he does. I begin to think about my dinner with Trevor on Saturday. He is so nice, and so charming. He says what he means and he compliments me. He doesn't yell at me, or annoy me. He has never lied to me. I never have to guess what he is thinking or how he is feeling. He is smart, educated, successful, and he volunteers on holidays. He is so perfect, compared to Hardin. The problem is that I shouldn't be comparing him to Hardin. Trevor is a little boring yes, and we don't share the same passion for novels as Hardin and I do, but we also don't have the damaged past that Hardin and I share.
The most infuriating thing about Hardin is that I actually love his personality, rudeness and all. He is funny, witty, and can be so sweet when he wants to be. This gift is messing with my head, I need to remember what he has done to me. All the lies, secrets, and most recently sleeping with Molly.
I text Landon back to thank him and within seconds he responds telling me to text him the address of my hotel. I want to tell him not to drive all the way here, but I also don't want to spend the remainder of my day completely alone. I don't get dressed, I just put a bra on and wait for Landon to arrive.
An hour later, he knocks at the door and I open it with a smile. It is so nice to see him, it has been too long. His familiar, warm smile makes me smile in return and he pulls me into his arms.
"Happy Birthday Tessa." He says into my hair.
"Thank you." I say and hug him tighter.
"Do you feel any older?" He asks and sits on the chair.
"No, well yes. I feel like I have aged ten years in the last week." I tell him.
He gives me a small smile but doesn't say anything.
"I ordered takeout, there is plenty left if you want some." I offer and he grabs the white styrofoam container and a plastic fork from the desk.
"Thanks. So is this what you're doing all day?" He teases.
"Yep. Sure is." I laugh and sit cross legged on the bed and pick up the nook.
"You got an e-reader? I thought you hated them?" Landon raises his brow at me.
"Well.. I did but now I love them, thousands of books right at my fingertips! What could be better." I smile and tilt my head to the side.
"Well nothing says happy birthday like buying yourself a nook." He says with his mouth full of rice.
"Hardin actually got it for me. He left it in my car when he brought my car back from getting it fixed."
"Oh. That was nice of him." He says.
"Yes, very. He even put all these wonderful novels on there and .." I stop myself.
"So what do you think about it?" He asks.
"It confuses me even more. He does these incredibly kind things sometimes but he doesn't the most hurtful things at the same time. "
'He loves you. Love doesn't always go hand in hand with common sense." He smiles.
"He doesn't know what love is." I sigh and scroll through the list of romantic novels, common sense is not something usually seen in any of these stories.
"He came to talk to me yesterday." He says and my gift falls from my hands onto the mattress.
"What?"
"Yea, I know. It surprised me too. He came looking for me, his dad or even my mother." He says and I shake my head.
"Why?"
"To ask for help."
"Help? With what? Is he okay?" Worry builds inside of me.
"Yea.. well no. He asked for help with you. He was completely distraught Tessa. I mean he came to his father's house out of all places."
"What did he say?" I can't picture Hardin knocking on Ken's door to ask for relationship advice.
"That he loves you and he wants me to help him persuade you to give him another chance. I wanted you to know that, I don't want to keep things from you." Landon says.
"I..well.. I don't know what to say. I can't believe he came to you. To anyone really."
"As much as I hate to admit it, he isn't the same Hardin Scott that he was when I first met him. He even joked about hugging me." He laughs.
"He did not!" I can't help but join him. I don't know how I feel about Hardin being desperate enough to go to his father's house and talk to Landon about me.
"Do you really believe that he loves me?" I dare to ask.
"Yes, I do. I don't know if I think you should forgive him but if there is one thing I am certain of, its that he does love you."
"It's just that he lied to me, he kept this big secret from me while everyone talked behind my back, laughed at me, and even after he told me he loved me he still went and told them all what happened between us. All of this is still new, it literally just happened a week ago. Then, as soon as I begin to think I could possibly consider trying to move past that, he sleeps with Molly." Tears prick my eyes and I grab the water bottle of the nightstand and take a drink in an attempt to distract myself.
"He didn't sleep with her."
"Yes, he did. He told me he did."
"He just said that to hurt you, I know that's not much better but you two are known to fight fire with fire."
Hardin is good, he even has Landon believing his lies. But what if he didn't actually sleep with her? Could I move towards forgiving him? I had my mind made up that I never would but I can't seem to shake him.
As if the universe is mocking me, my phone lights up with a "Happy Birthday beautiful" message from Trevor. I thank him and put my phone back on to the nightstand.
"I need more time. I don't know what to think." I admit to Landon and he nods.
"Fair enough, so what are you doing for Christmas?" He asks and grabs the remote.
"This." I gesture to the empty takeout box and nook.
"You aren't going to go home?"
"This is more of a home than my mother's house." I say and try not to think about how pathetic I am.
"You can't just stay in a hotel alone on Christmas. You should come to our house, I think my mother got you a few things before .. you know."
"My life went down the drain?" I half laugh and he nods playfully.
"I was thinking since Hardin is leaving tomorrow I would stay at the apartment.. just until I get into the dorms which hopefully will be before he returns and if not then I will come back to this lovely abode." I can't help but joke about how ridiculous of a situation I am in right now.
"Yea.. you should do that." Landon says with his eyes focused on the television.
"You think? What if he shows up or something?"
"He will be in London right?" He still doesn't take his eyes from the screen.
"Yea. You're right, I will stay there. My name is on the lease after all." I conclude.
Landon and I watch television and talk about Dakota leaving for New York. He is considering transferring to NYU next year if she decides to stay in New York. I am happy for him but I don't want him to leave Washington, I don't tell him that of course. Landon stays until nine and after he leaves I curl onto the bed with my nook and read until I fall asleep.
The next morning I take a shower get myself ready for my return to the apartment. I can't believe I am actually going back there but I don't have many options. I don't want to take advantage of Landon and stay there, I definitely don't want to go to my mother's, and I will run out of money if I keep staying at this hotel. I feel guilty for not going to my mother's but I don't want to listen to her snide comments about Hardin and I all week. I still may go there for Christmas but not today. I have five days to decide.
Once my hair is curled and my makeup is done, I put on a long sleeve white shirt and dark jeans. I want to stay in my pajamas but I need to go to the store to get some food for the next few days. If I eat whatever food Hardin has in the apartment, he will know I was there. I pack my small amount of belongings into my bags and hurry to my car. It is vacuumed and I swear I can smell a hint of mint, Hardin. It starts to snow as I make my way to the grocery store. I buy enough food to last me until I decide what I want to do on Christmas. As I wait in line to check out my mind wanders to what Hardin would have gotten me for Christmas. My birthday gift was so thoughtful, who knows what he would have came up with. I hope it would be something simple, not expensive.
"Are you going to move up?" A woman's voice barks from behind me.
When I look up the cashier is waiting impatiently with a scowl on her face. I didn't notice the line moving or disappearing in front of me.
"Sorry." I mumble, placing my groceries on the belt.
My heart begins to race as I pull into the parking lot of the apartment. What if he hasn't left yet? It's only noon. I look frantically around the lot, and his car is gone. He probably drove himself to the airport and left his car there. Or Molly drove him. My subconscious doesn't know when to shut up. Once I decide that he isn't here, I park my car and grab the groceries first. I will have to make two trips to get my bags. The snow has thickened and covers the cars around me in a thin layer. At least I will be in the warm apartment soon. When I reach the door I take one last breath before unlocking the door and stepping inside. I really love this apartment, it is so perfect for us.. for him. Or me, separately.
When I open the cabinets and fridge I am surprised to find them stocked full of food. He must have went shopping in the last few days. I shove the food that I bought wherever it will fit and head back down to get my belongings.
I can't stop thinking about what Landon said. I am floored by the fact that Hardin would go to anyone for advice and that Landon seems to think Hardin loves me, a fact that I have known but buried and locked away inside of me. If I allow myself to admit that he loves me it will only make all of this worse. I am so confused and thinking about this is giving me a headache.
As soon as I get back into the apartment I lock the door and put my bags in the room. I take out most of my clothes and hang them up so they won't be too wrinkled. The knife inside of me twists once again as I hang up my clothes in the closet that was intended for Hardin and I. He only has a few pair of black jeans hung up on the left side. I have to force myself not to hang his t-shirts up, they are always slightly wrinkled but he still manages to look perfect. My eyes travel to the black dress shirt hanging sloppily in the corner, the shirt he wore to the wedding. I hastily finish my task and walk away from the closet.
I make myself some macaroni on the stove and turn the television on. This must be what it is like to live alone. It's not so bad actually, especially in this wonderful apartment. I turn the volume up so that I can hear an old episode of 'Friends' that I have seen at least twenty times. I speak along with the characters as I load the dishwasher, I hope he doesn't notice but I can't stand to have dishes in the sink. I light a candle and wipe off the counters. Before I know it, I am sweeping the floor, vacuuming the couch and making the bed. Once the entire apartment is clean, I do a load of my laundry and fold the clothes Hardin had left in the dryer. Today is actually the most peaceful and calm day that I have had in the last week. That is, until I hear a set of voices and watch in slow motion as the lock turns. Shit. He is here, again. Why does he always show up here when I am here! Hopefully he gave an extra key to one of his friends to check on the apartment? Maybe it's Zed with a girl? Anyone but Hardin, please let it be anyone but Hardin. The woman that steps through the doorway isn't Hardin, obviously but I somehow immediately know who she is. The similarities are undeniable and she is beautiful.
"Wow Hardin, this apartment is beautiful." She says, her accent just as thick as her son's.
This isn't happening. I am going to look like a complete psychopath with my food in the cabinets, my clothes in the washer, and the entire apartment cleaned from top to bottom. I stand frozen and panicked as she looks up at me.
"Oh my goodness! You must be Tessa!" She smiles and rushes over to me as Hardin steps through the doorway. Her floral print luggage is dropped from his hands and the surprise on his face is beyond evident. I tear my eyes from him and focus on the woman coming towards me with her arms open.
"I was so disappointed when Hardin said you would be out of town this week! Now I know he was just fibbing to try and surprise me!" She gushes and wraps her arms around me. What?
She puts her hands on my shoulders and pulls me to look at her.
"Oh you are so lovely, look at you!" She squeals and hugs me again.
I stay silent and hug her once more. Hardin looks terrified and extremely caught off guard, just like me.