**Trigger Warning: *loss, grieving**
Zaria's Pov
After the meeting, I stayed back to have a word with Ms. Evans. I was still in a state of unease, from my phone being blown up. For a while, things had been peaceful, but knowing that they were trying to contact me, put me on edge.
I wonder if Ms. Evans could tell that I was out of it during the meeting. I was attentive enough but not my usual self. I gathered all my stuff and was putting it in my bag when I realized Ms. Evans was still waiting there patiently looking at me. It was different from her normal look. Her typical warm and joking manner was replaced by a more serious expression.
"Zaria, please come sit down." She said softly.
I wandered over to her and decided to take a seat next to her. The previously filled conference room was reduced to only two inhabitants, Ms. Evans and I. But the nerves and tension developed rapidly in the room making it feel stuffy and awkward. I hesitantly sat down in the office chair perpendicular to her's and responded. "Yes ma'am?"
"During the meeting today you seemed out of it, worried about something?" She observed me intently then continued, "What's on your mind?"
"I was trying to pay attention, I promise." I said defensively, "But I just had other things on my mind." Part of me hoped she would press into my statement, decode it, and give me advice, but I was afraid to even utter a single word about Mikeyla and my mother.
Ms. Evans, who just sat there silently, leaned back in her chair, raising a brow at me.
I shifted nervously under her gaze and allowed my gaze to drop to my lap, where I focused on my dress.
"Would these other things include your mom and sister blowing up your phone throughout the meeting?" she asked.
I looked at her in astonishment, how could she know that?
"How did you-
"I know because your mom has been calling my phone since before the meeting started." She spoke carefully, and I saw the flash of annoyance passing on her face. "After we talked that first time, I put my phone on silent."
"Well what did she say?"
"Nothing too out of her character. I let her run her mouth, talk shit, and threaten me. She mostly just tried to interrogate me about your exact whereabouts. She knows that me of all people would most likely know where you went after you ran away. I'm the one legally entrusted to care for you if anything happens to both your parents."
"She is the same person who told me daily that she didn't want to deal with me, but now as soon as I exit myself from the equation, she goes left."
"Above all my job was to keep you safe. So I am not going to directly put you back into harm's way. And she knows that. I didn't give up your exact location, but she is not going to give up just because I am not telling her everything."
I was partially relieved by her not telling my mom, but the heavy reality set in. I hoped that making things easier for me and my mom would be more peaceful, but it seemed like peace only lasted temporarily. In reality, the woman who gave birth to me was cold, relentless, and calculated. If she was resolute in her decision to find me-which there is no doubt in my mind that she is- she would most definitely comb the city, utilizing all her resources, until she accomplished just that. Lord, I just hope she never does, but I know in my heart, it's only a matter of time. Memories of my life prior to the beginning of this month began to fill my mind, all the beatings, humiliation and downright hateful things she did to me before and after my dad died. "I can't just let her find me." I stammered and tears that I didn't even expect to fall were now flowing freely down my face. "I can't go back there, I can't..." Images of being strangled, pushed and belittled had me on the verge of hyperventilation and I focused my breathing trying to suppress the anxiety attack simmering below the surface.
Fighting back the sob stuck in the back of my throat, I hastily dried my tears with the back of my hand and started counting in my head to calm myself down. This immense fear of my mother had actually waned during my time away from her but her persistent efforts to return have brought back all the feelings of dread that I have been able to ignore in her absence.
Ms. Evans sighed and the worry lines on her face. She spoke softly, "The decision you made to leave that environment is completely understandable. It wasn't healthy or safe. So I will never blame you for reaching out to me that day and seeking a way to permanently remove yourself from that situation. But even with me helping you, we won't be able to make this a permanent solution without considering legal action. Because, eventually she'll connect the dots and come to find us."
She was right and I knew as long as I prolonged the process she was gonna find me. Maybe I shouldn't even have left.. "What do you mean by legal action?"
The idea of having to get courts and lawyers involved, seemed daunting.
"Have you looked into getting legally emancipated?"
I shook my head. "I was never in a position to consider it, so definitely not. I know for a fact that it would require a lawyer, which means money. And with my former salary, all of my money was being spent within the household and for school."
"Fair enough. But given you have a more capable salary as well as a person willing to help you with this process. I recommend you become more open to this option. This process is far from easy, but it would be a finite layer of legal protection from your mother. You would be legally considered an adult, free from her control."
"I'm already supporting and taking care of myself. I've been doing that. Getting the courts involved, that's what I am concerned about."
"I won't tell you what choices to make. But I don't want you to feel limited or to automatically take things off the table like before. Just take some time to think about it. The moment you come to a decision, you let me know."
"I hate that I have involved you in all of this drama."
"You don't have to apologize or take ownership of this situation. This all stemmed from what was happening at home. And that falls on your mother. If she had been better at this whole parenting thing, none of this would have ever happened.Trust me, I ain't worried about her at all."
"I know what happened to Dad was sudden. But sometimes I can't help but wonder why he left me with her? Why couldn't I just come stay with you sooner?" I sniffled.
"I won't act like I can fully understand his thought process, but I can imagine he never envisioned her treating you that way. He loved you and your mother alike. His love probably gave him hope that she could improve. Her selfish tendencies weren't a secret. But he felt he could balance them out. And that line of thinking was a mistake. Because all it did was enable her behavior instead of challenging her to fix it." She began, "And since your mom was still around after your dad passed away, there was no way that you could legally come live with me, unfortunately."
I thought back to how my dad would interact with us. He would come home, and devote all his time to us. I remember on weekends he would cook breakfast for everyone and we would have a designated family day. Sometimes we would just stay home and he would let us run around the backyard, or he would surprise us and take us somewhere. But most importantly, he was head over heels for my mom. He would cook for her, bring home flowers for her every week, and take her out on a date. Just to make her feel special. I thought their love was perfect, but there would be times that she would kick him out the house, when they would argue. If it did bother him, he wouldn't let us see it."
"I can't help but wonder in detail what he was dealing with. And how it managed to let things go so easily. Still come home and give us everything. When I was younger I didn't catch onto his pain but now looking back I can see it clearly. And I think that during those hours when I was with him there wasn't a need for a phone or music, it was because they were valuable to the both of us."
"See, he loved you guys unconditionally. A true example of an amazing father. I don't know what happened with Janice, why she couldn't bring herself to be a good mom. But your dad put his trust in me to protect you, so that's what I will do. But you also hold the power to sever ties. Don't let her detour you from your dream. You can put your foot down and build a much needed boundary." Ms. Evans said in a tone laced with conviction.
"I hear you. And it will take me some time to think through everything related to Janice." There was a slight aching in my heart from talking about my dad, but outside of my immediate family, Ms. Evans was the only person who knew my dad. Having this conversation about him just made me miss him even more.
"It's getting late," I said finally. "I have to get home so I can get ready for tomorrow."
"I know this conversation was pretty heavy for you. But I am glad you felt like you could come talk to me and I know you will figure things out. If you need anything my door is always open for conversations about anything." She said sincerely, taking my hand in hers. It was a simple gesture that felt motherly and supportive and incredibly foreign.
"Thank you so much." I said finally, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. I then got up for the first time to grab my stuff. I knew that I would have to walk briskly to catch the metro rail.
"Please be careful and let me know when you make it home." She said before tossing some keys my way.
Catching them in my hand, I immediately noticed the Lincoln symbol. "What are these for?"
"Well given that they are car keys. I suppose you use them to start the car and drive." She replied with a sarcastic smile.
"I mean I know they're car keys but why are you giving them to me?" I said.
"So you can drive. How else would you get around?" She said in a matter of fact tone.
"Well there's the Metrobus, Metro Rail, and there is a thing called "walking" where you use your two feet to get from place to place." I said matter of factly.
She just laughed. "Good point. But for certain jobs, like the Associate Designer role you are in, cars are recommended. Plus it would lessen my worry knowing you can travel at your own will. You are licensed to drive anyhow, so just use this for the time being."
"But Ms. Evans I can't-
"Oh it wasn't up for negotiation. Go ahead and get outta here, go where you're going so you can be home and get some rest for tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow yea?" She said, giving me a hug and pinching my cheek.
Sensing that there was no negotiation, I just returned the hug, "Thank you."
"The car is parked on the second floor of the garage."
_______________
Entering the garage, my heels clicked loudly against the concrete slab floor as I went towards the elevator. Quickly I took the elevator up and spotted a row of Lincoln branded cars. Skeptically I took out the key and pressed the button to test if the car was even here. A car honked loudly and the lights of a Grey 2016 Lincoln MKZ. I unlocked it and headed over to the car skeptically getting in the car. It wasn't the one Ms. Evans drove primarily but I wondered whose car it was. The interior was breathtaking.
The one thing I could thank Janice for is allowing me to get my license already. She wanted me to learn to drive so that I could take her places or run household errands. The interior of the car was breathtaking.
Because I was alone, I let out a small part of excitement. This car definitely exceeded my expectations for what the car I drove would look like.
Taking a deep breath, I put the key in the ignition and started the car. I took some time to sync my phone to the radio. I set up the GPS and started the playlist that I usually used when I took the bus, I backed out of the space and drove towards the garage exit.
-20 minutes later-
I had just exited the freeway, and turned on the street to the right. Memories began to surface as I passed the clusters of children playing at the neighborhood park, and the small, colorful homes that retained character over the decades. Even though it had been years, it looked exactly how I remembered it. Soon, I pulled up into the dark parking lot and got out of the car. Taking in the sunset, I briefly closed my eyes, allowing the breeze to rake over my skin. Then I walked to an open bench. As soon as I sat down the tears that had been building fell.
This was his favorite place, our place.
Every week, when my mom would be off taking Mikelya to different classes, or lessons; my dad would take me along with him.
After a while, I got up and walked in the other direction. My heels were sinking into the grass so I picked up my pace, moving swiftly across the grass in search of the path. I hope it's still here.
Searching the ground intently I walked across the grass. I know it's somewhere around here. I walked across the grass until I came across the familiar dirt path. Anxiously, I followed the path and kept walking towards the shed. Overtime, trees and bushes had grown. But the shed itself looked almost exactly the same even after all this time.
Carefully, I pulled the latch off of the door to open it. The familiar smell of wood and metal filled my nose. I searched along the wall illuminated by sunset, clicking on the light switch. Surprisingly, it turned on and illuminated the room.
Being back in this room felt like stepping into a chapter of my past. Everything was just as it was before. The only thing that was missing was my dad.
Right now, as I stood where we made our most precious memories, his absence felt massive. I wished he were here to guide me on how to handle mom. He would help me make the right decision.
When he died, I couldn't cry at the funeral because I was in shock. Afterwards, I felt betrayed, alone and lost without him in my life. Part of me still feels that way.
There are people who want me to succeed and are there for me like Ms. Evans, my friends, Ms. Ellie, Victor and I know for sure Kyle.
But before any of them were ever in the picture there was my dad and he was the only one who knew my mother in depth and was aware of my ambitions and aspirations.
He was the one who inspired my love of music, and the first person I sang for.
This shed was on the back of one of his rental properties. When he wasn't fixing other people's cars, he would come over here to work on his own. I used to love watching him do it. But, as soon as I was old enough to hold a wrench he began to show me how to fix cars. I could tell it meant a lot to him, to share something he was passionate about with me, and he was so good at it too. He would play his favorite CD's while we worked, and even tell jokes no matter how lame they were sometimes, I would laugh for his sake every single time.
One day after my seventh birthday we both snuck away while mom was bragging about entering Mikeyla into a pageant, my dad decided to take me to the park.
After the party, he was taking me somewhere to show my other birthday gift. As he drove, we were listening to my dad's favorite New Edition Home Again CD.
"Daddy, where are we going?" I asked before taking a bite out of my pink and blue frosted hello kitty cupcake.
"It's a surprise baby. And you know I don't give away surprises." He stated proudly before breaking out into song
"Oh what can I do girl
So much in love girl
But your friends got you thinkin'
And it's affecting you
What can I do girl
So in love girl
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I don't wanna lose youNo what would I do without your love
Baby it's heaven sent from above
So you don't believe
What your friends tell you about me.." He sang dramatically, making me giggle.
Huffing in fake frustration, I smiled in spite of myself and I joined into song with him.
"I'm still the man for you
And I'm still the man that's true
And I'm still the man who's lucky
And I'm still in love with you
It don't matter what your friends do
They're just jealous of me and you
And I'll always keep you happy
'Cause I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love..." We sang together in perfect harmony.
As soon as we finished he reached over and grabbed my hand smiling. "Your voice is amazing! We are going to keep practicing, because the world can use a voice like yours. Just think about it! You all over billboards, doing it big!" he beamed excitedly, "I can't wait! And I'll be right behind you always." He said lovingly, reaching back, and squeezing my hand.
I squeezed his hand back, "You really think so?" I asked curiously.
"Of course I do." He said, pinching my cheek, "I can feel it!"
We arrived at the shed and he practically pulled me out of the car. "Come on! We gotta get back to the house."
"Wait a minute I will not get my new jordans dirty!" I said trying to avoid the puddles and mud. He laughed at my disapproving look and picked me up, putting me on his back.
After a while he stopped."Close your eyes sweetheart." he said. I raised a brow at him and he smacked his lips "I'm not gonna let you fall."
Skeptically, I covered my eyes and let him guide me. I felt like I was being moved and I knew it was most likely in our place.
"Ok you can open your eyes." he said suddenly\ .
I opened my eyes and saw a little box. It looked kind of like my dad's tool box. For my birthday I told him I wanted a tool kit just like his so I could fix stuff and work on my own car.
"Is that what I think it is?!" I exclaimed excitedly.
"Oh I dunno, go over there and see." he said, cheesing hard .
I ran over to the box and yes it was a box just like his except it had my name carved into the side. "This is so awesome! Thank you daddy!" I said happily.
"I'm glad you're happy but that's not all." he said while heading over into the corner.
He came back rolling in some new car parts and a book. Puzzled, I watched him intently.
"What's that?" I said curiously.
"Remember after I took you to see Transformers, and you said you wanted a car like Bumblebee?" He asked.
"Yes, he was the coolest autobot for sure." I said excitedly.
"I figured you and I could build it together, we could get custom paint and I could modify the engine. It would be our major project to pass time while your mom is with Mika doing pageant stuff. How does that sound?" He asked.
Filled with excitement, I ran up to him and hopped in his arms. He chuckled trying to keep his balance but wrapped me into a warm loving hug. "I love looooveee it soo much! Thanks so much daddy! You're the bestest daddy ever!"
"And you're the best daughter ever. Happy Birthday cupcake! I love you so much you know that right?" He said, tickling me.
I busted into a fit of laughs and tried to catch my breath. "Yesss! Okay Okay!... I love you too!"
I said through my fit of giggles.
****
7 years ago my dad was killed in a shop fire. He decided to stay late because he had to finish up a job and wanted to get some additional pieces for the Camaro to fix it up. I remember he was so happy that day because he had clearance to make the calls and he promised he would come home...but he never did.
I was devastated, I felt like it was my fault. If it hadn't been for me wanting that particular car, he would have just come home after the job.
When I first began working at the Diner, I had begun slowly putting money aside from my check, to pay for parts for the cameo, hoping that finishing the project would give me some peace. It was something I felt obligated to do.
But when my mother got wind of it she exploded, and instructed me never to come here again. And that kept me away for so long. But lately, especially after getting out of that house, I wanted to return to the place that I felt the closest to. The only place I could still feel his energy and relive our happy memories.
"Daddy, I wish you were here. I'm soo sorry!" I sobbed clutching onto his old tool chest.
God if I could wish for one thing, it would be to bring him back. For a moment, I allowed the heavy load of grief to settle on my shoulders. He was the person that made me feel connected to our family, and his loss not only tore our family apart, but it left a huge void at that place in my heart where I held him closest. The hole felt cavernous, felt so large and all consuming.
I stilled when I heard the shed door creak open and was instantly on high alert.
The hairs bristled on the back of my neck. No one had been on this property in a few years, and only a few people knew how to locate not to talk of how to open the shed.
Gathering up the confidence, I grabbed a wrench before turning around to face the intruder.
"You wanna explain why you decided to go ghost?" She said, staring at me coldly.
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Thanks for all of you lovely readers, y'all are the greatest!