I get into his car and try not to notice the familiar scent of Hardin that fills the small space. He climbs in the drivers seat beside me and starts the car.
"Are you cold?" He asks.
"Yea." I answer and he turns up the heat.
"You have no right coming here." I tell him, reminding myself that I shouldn't be in the car with him.
"You weren't going to talk to me any other way." He says like his reasoning isn't completely insane. I keep my eyes focused out of window.
"Like I said, I am avoiding you for a reason Hardin."
"I know baby, I miss you so much."
My heart flutters at the word "baby" but I ignore it.
"You just saw me yesterday, and stop calling me that. Turn here, the hotel is right on the corner."
"I can't believe you are staying at a hotel." He runs his hand over his hair.
"Yea.. neither can I."
"You can stay at the apartment, I will stay back at the frat house or something."
"No." As much as I would love to stay there, I am not backtracking. I have been so strong, well stronger than I knew I could be and I am not ruining it now.
"Stop being so difficult."
"Difficult? You aren't serious! I shouldn't even be talking to you right now! I shouldn't be anywhere near you!" I raise my voice.
"Would you just calm down? Now, what's wrong with your car? And why was he staying here?"
"I don't know what's wrong with my car." I groan. I am not answering him about Trevor, it's none of his business.
"I will take a look at it." He states and parks his car next to mine.
"No, I will call someone. Just go." I climb out of the car. I am sure that he could detect the problem and fix it easily but I don't want him to. He is acting like nothing happened and it's infuriating.
"No, I said I am going to look at it." He rudely replies and I roll my eyes. I am trying to focus on one emotion with him, anger. If I am not angry then I will be sad and I don't want to be a sobbing mess in front of him. Not again.
He gets out of the car and I walk to the office to book the room for another night. Of course I hear Hardin's boot slushing through the remainder of snow on the ground. When I pull the door open a bell rings, clearly startling the small man behind the desk.
"Another night?" He asks as Hardin walks in behind me.
"Tessa, you don't need to stay here again. I wont stay at the apartment, just stay there and I will stay somewhere else." Hardin says.
I ignore Hardin and the clerk looks back and forth between the two of us.
"Yes, another night." I answer and hand him my bank card.
Hardin grabs it from my hand but I snatch it back before he can do anything with it. I can tell the clerk is uncomfortable watching our exchange, he tries to look anywhere except us.
"Would you just stop." I growl and Hardin rolls his eyes.
"Is this some sort of game to you, to see how miserable you can make me?" I ask him and he takes a step back as if I pushed him. I don't want to cause a scene in a hotel lobby but I will if I have to.
"No, that's not what I am doing, how could you even think that after everything I have done?"
"Exactly, I do think that because of everything you have done." I say almost laughing at his choice of words.
"Well, that's not my intention here. I just want you to talk to me. I know we can work this out." He tells me. I don't know what to say because I can't tell if he is telling the truth. He has played so many mind games with me since the beginning that I can't tell what is real.
"Here you go." The clerk says and hands me my receipt and a new key card.
"Thank you." I say as politely as I can manage.
"I know you miss me too." Hardin says when we get back outside. His words stop me in my tracks.
"Is that what you want to hear? That I miss you? Of course I miss you, I miss you every second of every day but you know what? It's not actually you that I miss, it's who I thought you were and now that I know who you really are, I want nothing to do with you!" I yell.
"You've always known who I really am! I've been me all along, you know that!" He shouts back.
Why cant we ever just talk without yelling at each other? He makes me crazy, that's why.
"No I don't know that, if I knew that I.." I stop myself before I admit that I want to forgive him. What I want to do and what I know I should do are two totally different things.
"You what?" He asks. Of course he would.
"Nothing, you need to go."
"Tess, you don't know what its been like the last few days for me. I can't sleep, I can't even function without you. I need to know there is a chance we could..."
I interrupt him before he can finish.
"What it's been like for you? How can you be so selfish? What do you think its been like for me Hardin? Imagine how it feels to have your life completely ripped apart within hours! Imagine how it feels to be so in love with someone that you give them everything only to find out it was all a game, a bet! How do you think that feels!" I take a step toward him.
"How do you think it feels to lose my relationship with my mother over someone who could give a shit less about me!! How do you think it feels to be staying in a god damn hotel room alone when just a few days ago I had my dream apartment with someone who I trusted! How do you think if it feels to try to move on from this when you keep showing up everywhere! You just don't know when to stop!"
He doesn't say anything so I continue my rant. Part of me feels like I am being too harsh on him but he betrayed me in the worst way possible and the worst thing about it all is that I still love him more than breathing.
"So don't you sit here and tell me that it's been hard for you because you did this! You fucking ruined everything! Just like you always do, so you know what I don't feel sorry for you... actually I do. I feel sorry for you because you will never be happy. You will never find anyone to love you the way I did, I would have given you everything.. even more than I did. I would have done anything for you and you ruined that. You will be alone for the rest of your life, and for that I feel sorry for you. I will move on, find a nice man who will treat me the way you should have, and we will get married and have children, I will be happy. " I am out of breath after my long speech and Hardin is looking at me with red eyes and an open mouth.
"You know the worst part of all of this? Is that you warned me, you said you would ruin me and I didn't listen." I try desperately to stop my tears but I can't. They fall mercilessly down my face and my mascara runs,, burning my eyes.
"I'm..I'm sorry. I'll go." He says in a low voice. He looks completely and utterly defeated, the way I wanted him to look but it doesn't give me the satisfaction that I thought it would.
I could have forgiven him in the beginning if he would have told me, even after we slept together, but instead he hid it from me, offered people money, threatened and beat up Zed, and tried to trap me by making me sign the lease with him. My first time being intimate with someone is something I will never forget, and thanks to him it will always be clouded by the terrible intentions behind his actions.
I stay silent as he gets into his car pulls out of the parking lot. I rush into the hotel room and slam the door behind me. I lean against the door and try to breath through my sobs, I give up and slide down the door and let the pain take back over.
By the time the sun goes down I force myself up off the floor and take a hot shower, too hot. The look on Hardin's face as he backed away from me and got into his car is etched in the back of my mind. I see his beautiful yet tortured face every time I close my eyes. This is what I want though, I can't trust him and I won't be in a one sided relationship with him. I don't want to have to question everything he does or says.
My phone hasn't rang once since he left. I pack my bag for Seattle and make sure to cross everything off of my list. It would have been so nice to go to Seattle with Hardin, if he would have came to the conference with me. I had this silly, naïve idea that we could work. That despite our differences and his temper.. well both of our tempers, we could make it work somehow. I'm not sure how I manage to fall asleep, but I do.
........................
When my alarm goes off at seven, I begin to panic. I forgot to call someone to fix my car. I look up the nearest mechanic to me and call them. I will probably have to pay them extra to keep my car for the weekend since I will be gone but that's the least of my worries right now. I get myself ready, curling my hair and putting on more makeup than usual. I choose to wear a navy blue dress that I haven't worn yet. I bought it because I knew Hardin would love the way the thin material hung on my curves. The dress itself isn't revealing at all, the hem reaches just below my knees and the sleeves go half way down my arm but the way it fits is what makes it look almost sexy. I hate that everything makes me think of him, as I stand in front of the mirror I think about the way he would be looking at me in this dress, the way his pupils would dilate and he would lick his lips before pulling his lip ring between his teeth as he watched me check my hair and makeup one last time.
A knock on the door brings me back to reality and I hurry over to the door.
"Ms. Young?" A man in a blue mechanics uniform asks.
"That's me, let me grab my keys." I tell him and leave the door open slightly while I grab the keys from the desk.
"Here, its the white corolla." I tell him and he looks behind him.
"White corolla?" He asks. I open the door further and step outside. My car is gone.
"What the.. okay let me call the front desk and see if he had my car towed for leaving it here yesterday." I say. What a great way to start my day.
"Hello, this is Tessa Young I am in room thirty six, I think you had my car towed?" I am trying to be nice.
"No, I didn't." He says through the phone.
"Uh, well then my car must have been stolen or something.." My head is spinning. If someone stole my car I am beyond screwed. It is almost time for me to leave.
"No, your friend came and got it this morning."
"My friend?"
"Yea, the one with... all the tattoos and stuff." He says quietly as if Hardin could actually hear him.
"What?" I know what he said but I cant help but ask again.
"Yea, he came with a tow truck this morning about two hours ago." He says.
"Thanks." I groan and hang up.
"I am so sorry, someone has already had my car taken to another mechanic. I didn't know, I'm sorry for wasting your time." I tell the man but he smiles and assures me that it's okay.
I want to call Hardin and yell at him, now I have no way to get to work to meet everyone to leave for Seattle. Just as I am about to call Kimberly, a black car pulls in the lot and parks in front of my room. The window rolls down and I see Kimberly's blonde hair.
"Good morning!" She smiles and I sigh in relief. I know Hardin must have called Mr. Vance to make sure I had a ride to work.. does that mean Hardin knows I am going to Seattle? What if Hardin is in the car? I begin to panic again. I grab my bag and open the car door. Luckily, it's only Kim, Christian, and Trevor inside the spacious town car. The driver gets out and puts my bag in the trunk for me.
"Ready for your weekend getaway?" Trevor smiles.
"More than you can imagine." I tell him with a smile.
(I have edits update info etc on twitter imaginator1dx (don't forget the x) and imaginator1d on instagram ) xo