-Violet-
I was an idiot.
A full-fledged idiot.
Nothing will ever make up for what I've done and the trouble I've caused. I've caused trouble my mom didn't need. My brothers didn't need it either. If I could take it back, I would in a heart beat. There's no reason for what I did yesterday. But there comes a time when you want to do nothing but yell at someone.
And that someone happened to be the person I love most in this world.
My dad's funeral was yesterday morning.
I watched my mom cry over the casket of a man that didn't care about her. It wasn't just then either. She cried the night before, not even coming out of her room. She cried on the way there and then she cried when he was gone. And when I say gone, I mean no longer has a beating heart.
It was an asshole move on my part and she didn't deserve that.
James was right about having all this pent up. It was like my body was full of pressure and it had to be let out or I'd explode. My anger was the pressure and my mom's tears were what set it off.
He didn't deserve her tears, not even now.
I can't help that she loved him. Nothing in the world can change that and nothing in the world can change what he did.
Not only did he leave, but he had a new family too. A beautiful wife and a little girl. She was crying too, but his little girl had no idea what was going on. She'd tug on her moms dress, but she'd swat her hand and tell her to be quiet. Eventually she got fed up and handed her off to the nanny.
He had another family. A beautiful one too. It wasn't fair to my mom and it definitely wasn't fair to my brothers and I.
There will always be this anger towards him inside of me.
After the funeral, I stood in the graveyard and watched his new wife walk away and then yell at her two-year old daughter. The little girl started crying but her mother wasn't doing anything about it. She just kept yelling and it wasn't helping the problem.
I hate she has to grow up without a father. It doesn't matter if he was my father and left me. No kid deserves to grow up without knowing their father. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
One day, I hope I can tell her about him.
Her name is Scarlet.
So in some way, I think he thought about us when he named her.
As I lay in James's bed, secured tightly in his arms with no space between us, all I wanted was to see my mom.
James fell asleep hours ago, but I lay awake. I could see the slight rise and fall of his chest in even, timed breaths.
I tried closing my eyes again and rested my forehead against his temple. My lips brushed his cheek and I squeezed my eyes tighter.
My eyes burned and they felt swollen from all the crying. I couldn't lie and say I'm not tired, because I'm beyond exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted.
This was a good place to be right now. I'll see my mom in the morning and we'll talk. Or I'll be talking anyway. Telling her how sorry I am and that I'll never act that way again.
She's hurting.
My mom will always be hurting and I need to understand that.
And I do now. More than ever.
* * *
I don't remember falling asleep.
James's fingers where in my hair as he brushed them through sleep infested strands. His touch was light and delicate, it almost put me right back to sleep. His lips pressed against the bare skin of my neck and I sighed in contentment. He swept my hair further to the side and trailed smooth kisses over the top of my shoulder and up the back of my neck. "How are you?" He asked, his breath chilling my skin.
"I've been better." I croaked, but didn't move just yet.
"I'm sorry." He kissed my neck again and tightened his arm around my waist, "I'm so sorry, Violet."
I placed a hand over his wrist and melted further against him. "It's okay." Truth. "Thank you for being there after the way I acted."
"Thank you for letting me be there." He slipped his fingers through my hair again, "I was so worried."
Finally, I opened my eyes and stared straight ahead. "I didn't mean to worry you, James." My voice wouldn't go higher than a whisper.
His breath caressed my neck again. "I care about you so much and when Gray told me that you weren't there...my heart fell. You scared the shit out of me."
I flipped onto my back so I could stare into his eyes. The blue seemed more of a dull gray today. Even if he didn't talk to me, his eyes could tell me everything he was thinking. "I didn't mean to." I lightly touched his jaw.
"I know." He grabbed my hand and pressed his lips to my knuckles, "Just the thought of something happening to you—"
"Nothing's going to happen to me. I was just childish. The way I acted yesterday towards my mom and you...it was really childish. It won't happen again."
His bottom lip fluttered over my knuckles again. "It's okay."
I smiled, my lips only tugging a little. "Thank you for everything."
"You're welcome." He smiled.
After letting myself get lost for a few more minutes in his arms, I asked him to take me home. My heart started racing faster the closer we got to my house. The car was in the driveway, so I knew they were home.
It's time to face the music.
Before I got out, James grabbed my hand. "If you need anything, call me and I'll be back."
"I will."
He squeezed my hand once and let me go.
James left after I stepped onto the driveway. I just stared at the house for a few minutes, feeling my insides twist with worry. As nervous as I was, I just wanted to see her.
I'm scared she'll be so mad and not even talk to me.
But it's something I need to face.
I let my feet bring me to the front door. My hand lingered on the handle before I finally turned it and the door popped open. Gray was the first to notice me. He sat his coffee down on the bar and ran to me.
He brought me into his arms, so tight I almost couldn't breathe. "I could kill you right now if I wasn't so happy to see you."
"I'm fine." I murmured, "I'm sorry I did that yesterday."
"I don't care. I'm just glad you're okay." He stepped back and I noticed Nic standing behind him, "But I could also kick your ass for how you talked to Mom yesterday."
I nodded. "It can't be any worse than how bad I've already kicked my own ass." I looked around, but noticed she wasn't in here, "Where is she?"
Gray pointed to the hallway. "She cried herself to sleep."
There was a hand around my throat and I couldn't speak. I walked past Gray and down the hallway to her bedroom. I opened the door quietly and closed it behind me. She was laying bed, on the side facing away from me.
My eyes burned with tears that threatened to spill out.
I kneeled on the side of the bed and climbed in behind her. I hooked an arm under hers and buried my face in her back. "Mom." I whispered.
A few seconds past and she placed a hand over mine.
"I'm so sorry." I cried, "I didn't mean anything I said to you and I'm just sorry. I was stupid."
She squeezed my hand.
"I love you so much and I don't know what I'd do without you." I choked on a sob, "I'm so sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I love you so much, Sweetie."
I moved my arm from around her so she could sit up. I mocked her actions and pulled myself up. I didn't hesitate to fall into her arms and she didn't hesitate to pull me in closer. "Listen to me, Violet," She locked her arms around my shoulders, "You know there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do you for you guys. The way you acted yesterday...I knew that was more anger towards your dad than at me. I don't blame you for it. Please don't run off again. I don't care who you're with, don't ever do that to me again."
I clung to her and closed my eyes. "I won't ever do that to you again, Mom. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Honey." She stroked the back of my head, "I'd die if something happened to you."
I just held onto her because I didn't want to let go. "I'm sorry about what happened to Dad. I knew you loved him and I know it must be hard for you. And I'm sorry you have to go through the loss of him again."
"I'm fine, Vi." She sniffled, "Or I will be. But for the most part, I'm fine."
We just sat there for a few moments, holding each other. I tried not to cry again, but failed.
The bedroom door opened and I pulled away from Mom. My three brothers came into the room, piling on the bed with us. We all huddled together, holding onto one another. This is my family and I don't know what I'd do without them.
* * *
"We're going to go pick up dinner at Mark's." Gray said from my doorway.
I just glanced at him and back to my textbook. "Okay."
"Will you be fine while we're gone?"
"I won't do anything stupid, Gray, if that's what you're asking."
He smiled at me. "Of course you won't. We'll be back."
I stuck my tongue out at him and he left.
When I heard the front door close, I shut my textbook and lay back on my bed. I put my forearm over my eyes and let out a sigh.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I'm glad we're okay now, but still. My mom is still upset over our dad and I have to admit that I am too. Maybe I didn't want to admit it at first because he abandoned us, but I did love him. He was a great father up until the month before he left us.
I was too young to understand what was happening or why he left. Our mom doesn't talk about him, especially on the subject of him leaving and not returning. Once she told us that she told him to leave and never come back and that I do believe.
But what happened? Why did he go from a caring and loving father to someone who couldn't stand the sight of us? And I can't ask him.
I think I'd rather not know why he left. I don't want my happy memories to be tainted by anything he could've done. Well, besides the fact he abused our mother to the point she couldn't take it anymore.
No one should have to take abuse from any person. That's not healthy.
My concentration was lost when I heard the three taps on my window. I knew who it was without even looking.
I rolled off my bed, onto my feet, and walked to my window where I raised the blinds and then the window. James was standing close and he smiled when he saw me. "Hey," I smiled back.
He stepped forward. "Everything okay?"
I bobbed my head. "Yeah, everything's okay." Before I said what I did next, I looked at my apparel for the night. A tank top and pajama shorts. Great. "Wanna come in for a bit?"
"You sure?"
"I wouldn't have asked." I joked and stepped back from the window.
It was quite comical to watch James's tall, lean frame climb through my bedroom window. When he stepped foot in my room, he straightened his spine and turned to close my window. He closed my blinds after and stepped back from the window. He looked around my room and I suddenly felt self-conscious about it.
My room wasn't big at all and nothing matched. I had a messy bookcase, a cluttered desk, and an unmade bed in the corner against the wall. Which wasn't like me, but I've been so caught up these past three months and haven't touched a thing.
James's eyes swept over every inch until his gaze landed on me. "It's cozy."
A laugh tumbled from my lips. "I hope that's a good thing."
"It is."
I walked backwards towards my bed and dropped down on the edge. "You know you could've used the front door, right?"
"Better to be safe than sorry." He grinned and plopped down next to me, "How's your mom doing?"
I twisted my body to face him and crossed my legs. "She's as good as she can be, considering the circumstances."
He reached for my hand, wrapping his fingers tight around mine. "And how are you doing?"
James could see right through me even if I chose to lie. "I'm in between, I guess. Not really sure how I feel other than mentally exhausted."
"You'll get through this." He assured with the small squeeze of his palm, "I actually came here for two reasons. One, obviously to see how you're doing, and two, I just got back from my mom's. I talked to her about a permanent job for you—"
"James—"
"She said yes, Vi. She wants you to come back and work for her."
"I didn't think she'd want me back after yesterday. Quitting during my last week doesn't really scream responsible."
"I explained everything to her." He turned his body to face me, mimicking my actions and crossing his legs. "I told her what happened with your dad and she understood."
A lump formed in my throat. "I don't want the job because she feels sorry for me."
His featured contorted into confusion. "Violet—no, that's not why she gave it to you. She said you deserve it because of all the hard work you've put into the internship. You deserve this job."
"Did you tell her about us?" I couldn't help but ask.
He nodded with reluctance. "I know I probably shouldn't have. But it kind of slipped out. She's not mad about it."
"How sure are you about that?"
"Pretty sure." He smiled sheepishly, "But the job is yours, if you want it, Vi."
I slowly smiled. "I'll call her tomorrow."
James returned my smile. "Thank you."
"I should be thanking you." I leaned my body forward and cupped his face in my palms, "So thank you, James."
He chuckled and closed the distance between our lips for a small, sweet kiss. "I've...never felt like this before." He murmured on my lips.
"Like what?" I leaned further into him, barely brushing my lips over his.
"It's hard to explain." He slid a hand to the back of my neck, "It's like my skin is burning every time I'm with you. My heart doesn't like to beat normally and I just...I can never stop thinking about you no matter what. I worry about you, I care about you, and I just want to be with you. I want you."
My smile widened and I brushed my hand down his jaw. "I know exactly how you feel."
Our lips met again and he brought me into his lap. The space between our bodies was non-existent. The burning feeling James was talking about crawled and curled over my skin.
My legs straddled his lap as he stretched his legs out in front of him. I braced myself against his shoulders and he tilted his head back and leaned on a hand while one held onto my waist.
His mouth parted under mine, his tongue swiping over my bottom lip in a soft motion. I fell further against him, slipping my hands into his hair and curling my fingers into a tight fist.
A moan fell from my lips and attached to his.
Everything was hot and my body was burning. Every inch felt like it's been doused in fire.
It's a feeling I'll never get enough of.
That was until the doorbell rang and I gasped for air. I climbed off of his lap hurriedly and rushed to the door.
My lips were throbbing.
James eventually appeared behind me, swiping a thumb over his bottom lip. I apologized and unlocked the door. I swung it open and my heart fell into the pit of my stomach.
His green eyes blazed with memories and I couldn't speak. "You're home."
James was behind me, but I couldn't take me eyes off of Reese.
"Do you need something?" James asked with venom in his tone.
Reese looked up at James, a brilliant smile gracing his lips I've kissed too many times. "I just wanted to visit an old friend."
"And you are?" The defense in James's voice didn't go unnoticed.
He stuck his hand in James's direction. "Reese."
James stiffened behind me and did not meet Reese's gesture. "James."
Reese dropped his hand and looked back to me.
It took everything inside me not to fall to the ground. He looked the same, except a sharper, carved jaw. Wide eyes that held a color I could never forget. His features remained boyish, but completely charming. Something about this felt weird. Looking into his eyes after two years was something I never thought I'd do again.
Anger enveloped me as I stepped forward.
And I slapped Reese across the face. My palm stung and I clenched my jaw as my eyes welled up with tears I wouldn't let fall.
Reese put his fingertips to his cheek and watched me.
James was quiet, but I could still feel his presence behind me.
"Go away and don't come back here." I hissed through my teeth.
"I just wanted to talk—"
"No." I interjected, "I definitely don't want to hear you talk."
Reese looked hurt, but I didn't care.
James came forward and moved me so I stood behind him. "I think you need to leave."
I couldn't see, but I heard footsteps down the path and James closed the front door.
James slowly turned around to face me and he lifted my head in his hands. "Are you alright?"
I stared blankly at him, only seeing the color of his eyes and the slow movements of his lips.
He lowered his head and searched my eyes. "Violet,"
I snapped out of it and looked back. "I'm fine, thank you."
His hands dropped from my face and I grabbed one to lead him into the living room.
My mom and brothers will be home any minute and the last thing I need is for them to find James in my room. Gray would obviously throw a fit to no end.
While James sat down, I flipped on my side and rested my head in his lap. His fingers trickled down my cheek, moving the hair from my face and from my neck. I let my eyes close.
But behind my eyelids I saw Reese.
I saw us tangled together, stolen kisses behind the grocery store, and smiles we shared in the span of our year.
He was bright in my darkness.
Now he clouded my darkness, leaving me more in the pit.
But James's light sliced through the darkness in my mind and I opened my eyes.
I turned on my back and looked up at him.
He curved a hand over my jaw, his thumb tracing my lower lip as he stared into my eyes. He didn't speak a word and he didn't have to. He was here and I knew he wasn't going anywhere.
And that's all the reassurance that I needed.
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I was gonna post this tomorrow but I changed my mind, lol. I'm aiming for at least thirty chapters, but I guess we'll see. I'm seriously thinking this will be my last book on here but I haven't decided just yet. It most likely will. At least for awhile anyway.
Please vote and comment? I'd like to know what you think pleeeeaasee? :)
Song: End of Me by A Day To Remember