n. long long time I don't update. and i'm so sorry, my mind was so backed up with this storyline. but i'm updating the last few chapters of this story.
Alexis;
We sit in his truck, the humming of his old truck engine slipping between the silence that fills between us like liquid. Occasionally, he'll look towards me and open his mouth to say something, but knowing it won't work, he closes it again.
I had no interest in going to watch Harry do something incredibly dangerous. But, I would rather be there to watch than have to put up with my lucidly horrid thoughts. The tired, old truck comes to a stop when we've arrived at the 'dug out', where everyone's spread out, talking, and drinking. I remember being here with Myra at the very beginning of the summer. It's lost its juvenile rush, and the obvious grimace and dislike on my face makes Harry sigh beside me, tugging the keys away from the ignition.
"I'm not going to get hurt," he insists for the tenth time today.
"Yeah," I murmur beneath my breath, undoing the belt and pushing the door open on my side. My feet hit the dusty ground. Instantly, the laughs and the chatter grow in volume, but they leave me unfazed. I gaze around, trying to look for familiar faces, but I remember I only know a few. Very few.
Moonlight reflects on the various cars parked around. A loud laugh erupts from a group of people, laughing at the one that seems to take the center of attention. The smell of fresh beer and maybe cannabis sits in the air like its meant to. I sigh to myself and cross my arms over my chest.
"Alexis," he tries again.
I gaze at him, lips sitting closed and big eyes casually disinterested. Harry's pale green ones watch me, waiting for my response that doesn't arrive. He knows why I'm here, and it's not because I'm all well too excited about it at all. He parts his plump lips with a need to speak, but gets interrupted by the blonde boy that seems ecstatic this whole thing is happening.
Niall wraps an arm around Harry's shoulder, lazy grin plastered across his face. "Ya ready, man? Ben's talking trash like he knows somethin'."
My indirect anger for Niall remains passive, because I don't want to be rude to him. I don't like his support for this, but then again, everyone here who's nearly peeing themselves to watch gets me a tad bit irritated. I look between the two as Harry grumbles to him about something, and Niall glances at me with his mouth parted into a 'o'. That's when he waves to me and awkwardly departs from us after patting Harry's back.
He watches me as I rub my hands down my arms, feeling chills down my back. It's a colder night than usual. I don't understand why he thinks repeating himself will make me grin and utterly support this whole battle of the egos, but what can I do? He wants to do it, and I in no way, shape or form can control his decisions. Unless he'd listen to me and avoid getting into a car wreck. My negative outlook becomes annoying, but it's all I can think about.
"You've watched me before," he states, placing his hand on the truck and leaning onto it just beside me. "And you weren't...this paranoid."
"Paranoid...!?" I sputter, shaking my head and sighing irritatingly. "Harry, that was different and you know it. You weren't going up against this idiot, and we didn't even know each other very well."
Harry uses his other hand to rub over his eyes in slight distress. "I'm not going to change my mind, okay? This isn't about us, it's between him and I."
I don't respond to him, figuring that if he won't change his mind, why bother trying to. My arms hug my body tightly in attempt to conserve warmth, but Harry opens the truck door and grabs one of his sweatshirts. He holds it out to me, and I take it thankfully, not in the mood to keep arguing. Once I've got it around my body, he goes to grab my hand, entwining our fingers and pulling me through the crowds.
Approaching the familiar group of friends, I let go of Harry's hand and walk over to Myra. Her smile is instant, and so is the embrace she pulls me into. "Hey, why so serious?" She pouts her lips, eyebrows furrowing when we pull away.
A soft, almost inaudible sigh escapes my lips. "Eh...not really feeling...this...right now." Again, I cross my arms over my chest and briefly glance at Harry, who is already in an overly enthusiastic conversation hyping up the race.
"I can tell," she huffs lightly, raising her eyebrows. "How come?"
I shake my head, doubting that my opinion about this matters anymore than others. "I'm just afraid he's going to get hurt. I didn't want to watch, but I didn't want to hear about it from someone else."
Myra's lips curve into a half-hearted smile and she states, "I get that. The whole thing is just their business. If I'm honest, everyone else is here for the booze."
In thought, I stare off into a specific direction to notice the presence of Ben, leaning by his car with a few girls around him like he's the most precious thing, and he soaks in all the fun from the attention with a cocky smirk. He talks to a few of his buddies, groping girls left to right. My jaw clenches and I have to inhale deeply in order to erase his ugly images from my mind.
"What happened between them, anyways?"
Myra goes to speak, but Harry shows up beside me with a chaste kiss to my forehead. I look up at him and try to get my concern out of the way for a few seconds to lightly lean on the tips of my toes and peck his lips. He looks to Myra with a small wave before whispering in my ear. "I'm gonna head out to get the car with Liam, then we'll start. Wish me luck?" He sheepishly smiles.
I give him one hard look before disregarding Myra's presence as she smiles to herself, and I turn fully towards Harry. My hands grab onto his grey tee and I look up, big eyes ready to beg and lips ready to do the exact thing. "Please..."
A sigh falls from his lips. "I'm going to settle this," he insists firmly. "No changing my mind."
"I know," I grunt, creases between my eyebrows from my prominent displeasure. "I don't even know what you're both fighting about."
He shakes his head much like I did before. "It really hits home, Alexis. If it was nothing, I would have forgiven him. It's not something worth just forgiving -- but I'm gonna go. I'll be right back."
I let go of his t-shirt. Harry leaves me on my own again, but I'm soon realizing Myra is still around. I turn back to her, and she stands there far in thought with the rim of her cup by her purple colored lips. She mutters, "You guys are so freaking cute...but, do you still want to know?"
"I don't know...it feels like Harry doesn't want to talk about it."
"Of course he doesn't. No one talks to him about it. No one wants to bring up the conversation about the last time Harry saw his mom," Myra retorts, shaking her head and giving me a side glance. "That kid...Ben, he's just...ugh! -- he makes me want to shoot my left toe off...! Actually, both of em!"
My eyebrows furrow deeply, gazing over at the superstar of the night. "What..wait? What does Ben have anything to do with the last time Harry saw his mom?" Guess I'm going to know, now.
She tuts her tongue and murmurs, "Okay...well, Harry and Ben used to be friends. Although, every one of Harry's good friends hated him. Long story, but em...Harry's mom spent every dime she earned on a new car for his dad. Like...she was always so sad, but this is the one thing she was excited about. And Harry knew that, so of course he was helping her pick out the car, make sure everything was okay. Trust me, this is the happiest anyone in town has seen her."
I nod my head slowly, taking in everything. "Was she really depressed? Harry told me she rarely calls. She moved away."
"I've known Harry since we were in diapers...rarely calls is...never calls. She doesn't call at all, Alexis," Myra reassures me. "And that kills Harry, especially because of that one night. They left off on a really tough spot."
"Okay, so what actually happened?" I ask, wanting her to get to the point.
She sighs, thinking of where to continue. "So, aside from that, one night...just like these, Ben was racing against some idiot who doesn't live here anymore, but the point is Ben used that new car and well...Harry let him. Only because Harry was totally fucking wasted and was totally knocked out, and even after promising his mom he wouldn't drink...he did it again. And unfortunately...Ben totally wrecked the car."
My shoulders droop in sadness as she continues with, "A car that his mom was so happy about. I mean, you'd think maybe some help would make her feel better, but she was already sad about a lot of things. And I guess this car was like her way of making her husband happy, and her and Harry were bonding more because of it. Usually, they fought a lot."
"How did his mom react?" I whisper, like she was telling me a horror tale at night in the lonely woods. I feel slight suspense, but I can already tell I know where this story is going.
"Harry, completely hungover, woke up to the news of Ben crashing the car. Both of their families got into a huge fight in the Styles' front lawn, and the blame was all put on Harry for drinking and allowing Ben to use the car. I thought that was so unfair, you know?"
"Ben shouldn't have been racing in the first place. And why would he ask Harry, knowing he's completely wasted and literally unconscious? You'd think they'd actually enforce a law or something here after that," I state defensively, although I'm not defending him from anyone at the moment.
"That's what I thought -- but anyways, Harry's mom was super devastated. She always looked tired when she fought with Harry. Again, being blamed wasn't all that good for Harry, so they argued again and again. Already depressed, you could imagine how she felt always getting shit from her son. So, one thing led to another, and all the fighting literally broke their family apart. Then...two days later, just like that, his mom packed her bags and called it quits," Myra finishes with a deep frown.
I run a hand through my messy hair, pursing my lips. "Why is Harry doing this then? He's fallen into the exact same thing. He still drinks. He still races. He still nearly wrecks cars. Why does it he do it?"
"I haven't seen him drinking..." Myra blurts quickly. "But that's only because you're here. Spending so much time with you and all. We thought, you know...this summer, he'd stop. We all know what happened, and he just keeps falling into his old ways. We want him to stop, but I don't know, if we tried, we'd get on his bad side. And no one wants to talk to Harry about such a sensitive spot in his life."
My body tenses and my nostrils flare. I snap, "I'm going to put an end to this stupid race. I knew this was a bad idea."
I take step after step towards Ben's side very steadily and focused on one goal, while Myra follows, calling out my name frantically and telling me to stop. Or I'll just make things worse. Not contemplating on any compromise, I continue my stalk towards Ben, and I'm abrupt and surprisingly strong when both of my hands reach out and I push as hard as I can onto Ben's chest.
The party silences as his back hits the car with a loud bang, and he spills some of his drink onto himself from the force. A gap of three seconds flies by until he gets off the car, in abrupt anger and shock, widening his eyes in my direction. The silence that engulfed us all is so sudden, it allows even more tension to set in.
Ben narrows his eyes and shouts, "Wh--what the fuck?!" He runs his hand up and down his stained wet shirt of what smells like beer even from here.
I press my lips tightly together before furiously emitting, "Call off the race." My voice is firm, though it feels like there's a tight grip constricting breath from my lungs and my throat.
He stares coldly, steadily for a couple of seconds before laughing, and sputtering out, "You're kidding, right?" He inhales loudly and irritatingly blows the air from his lips. "Why would I do that?" Ben furrows his eyebrows, mockery clear on his face.
My hands clench tightly together. "You're an asshole. Don't act like what you did wasn't your fault."
"What was?" He snaps, and he shakes his head. I can see the uncertainty as he gazes around at the crowd of people have formed to watch us bicker. "You need to relax, and go back to being Harry's little bitch, alright?"
Face incredibly hot and growing increasingly, I retort, "Oh please, you act like you're some hot shot, when really you've got no balls to admit to yourself what you did was fucking awful."
"I've got no balls, babe? Alright," he chuckles. "That's cool. Think what you will. You act like someone so high and mighty...for someone who let Harry fuck her in a tent."
The crowd breaks out into a couple of snickers and open-mouthed laughs of shock and amusement. My body is hot as I lie right through my teeth. "That's not true, you idiot. Making up stories now?"
Ben crosses his arms over his chest. "Really? I think it's pretty true," he suddenly leans to the side, eyeing someone in particular behind me. "Right...Harry?"
I turn around quickly to find Harry standing there, mouth closed and eyes focused on me. My eyes wander across his face, searching for a reaction. My heart is beating up into my throat with hurtful thoughts invading my head, bouncing around my skull like a fire alarmed pulled suddenly throughout the day. My palms sweat, my body is growing hotter.
Ben smirks and exasperates, "Go on, Harry! Tell her what you told us. How...good she looked screaming your name. Or how whipped she is on you," he states. "Even more so now that you know...you gave it to her. What was it that you said about her...tits? --"
"Cut it out, Ben!" Harry yells, nostrils flaring.
My eyes never leave Harry, absolute terror and embarrassment drilling into my chest. "Is he serious?" I ask lowly.
But when he hesitates, his shoulders droop, and he stares at me almost regrettably with those pale green eyes and lowly whispers, "Alexis..." I'm already pushing aside a few people and fighting back tears and a choke of sobs because I don't know what else to do. There's a moment where my throat feels like its being wrangled and squeezed while I start rushing anywhere but away from the people that surround the field.
Behind me, he shouts repeatedly and even now further away from the field, and the cars, and everyone in general, his voice grows louder and louder because he's faster. On my mind, he's the first person I want to hold me because I feel stabbed and tortured just within seconds, but also the first person I want to shove out of my life and close a door in their face because he did it.
"Alexis!" He shouts, running ahead of me to turn around and stop abruptly. Our eyes meet, mine stinging with upcoming tears and his wide and alarmed. I swallow hard and look up at him with all the fury I can muster with all this embarrassment and shame and desperation filling the spots between the cracks in my heart. "Alexis..." he breathes, "I can expl--"
"No," I shakily, firmly spat. "Just stop, please. Don't do this to me right now." He just stares, mouth parted with things to say that he cannot put into words. I begin to sniffle, and a hot tear rolls down my left, pink cheek. "You knew how important that night was to me. It was between you and me. Nobody else, and you...you just told them?"
I move my head side to side quickly when he fumbles for words, stammering out, "I-I...it was a mistake. I knew what that night meant to you...and I was," he suddenly groans with self frustration, snapping, "And I was fucking angry and I drank a bit. And I was stupid."
"You expect me to believe that you and your friends weren't making jokes about it and laughing, right now?" I angrily grunt, hastily wiping tears that fall consistently onto my cheeks. "And I was trying to protect you. Because I know what happened, and I didn't want you to keep doing the same thing you did before your mom left."
Harry rushes his hands to his hair, running them through the soft, loose curly mess. "I told you to stay away from Ben. He ruins everything for me..." he remarks. "And now he's --"
"Maybe because it was your fault, this time!" I scream, a crushing cry pushing up my throat. "Because you drank. Because you decided to get drunk. You wanted to. And you told them."
"I --- fuck! I didn't mean to," he insists in a breath, tugging at his curls harder. "I was drunk. I didn't realize what a fucking dick I sounded like...talking about you that way. Especially about you...because you mean so fucking much to me....and I," he squeezes his eyes shut for a second, "And I knew, I knew how you felt about that night. And I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I-I"
He removes his hands from his hair and lets them drop to his sides in defeat. I wipe another tear away, sniffling and murmuring, "Just take me home please. I don't want to be here."
"Okay," he whispers softly.
I walk in front of him on the way back to his truck. Hours ago we spoke the words 'I love you', which I'm scared that for me they meant a lot more than for him. And now we're here, fighting. My nose crinkles as I try to get rid of the urge to cry any longer. We approach his truck, and no one approaches us in the meantime.
It's quiet, even less tolerable the first time when we were coming here. Harry doesn't dare to look at me, his glassy eyes focused on the road ahead. I lean my head back and sniffle, rubbing my nose harshly until it hurts from the touch. Right when he's parked in front of Nonna's house, I open the door and quickly shut it behind me. Harry nearly jumps out of the car to follow, and right when I'm on the front porch, he grabs my arm.
"Alexis," he calls gently, gradually pulling me closer to him until he can lean down, and our noses touch. I stare with a set jaw, eyes focused into his. "I love you, okay? I'm sor--"
I shake my head and whisper, "Just go."
"I can stay here with you. I can --"
"Harry, no. I just want to be alone, okay?"
"Please, baby, I --"
"Just go," I insist firmly, a little louder. "Please. I want to be alone --"
The front door opens, much like it happens a lot to the both of us when standing in Nonna's front porch. She gazes between him and I, and watches as I remove my arm from Harry's grip. My eyes are puffy and red, and cheeks are pink from obvious frustration. She is quiet as her eyebrows furrow. "What's going on here?"
I shake my head, turning to her fully. "Nothing. Harry was just leaving."
He takes an intake of breath, ready to protest, but eventually he stops himself. I glance over at him, and he looks away towards Nonna, nodding his head and muttering, "Yeah. Erm...goodnight."
I don't look back to him as I enter the house, and I hear the door shut behind me. Before I can even take those first two steps upstairs, I hear Nonna shout, "I know you aren't going to just expect me to not ask about what just happened!"
Without turning around, I sigh and look down to my feet. "I don't want to talk about it, Nonna."
"You might have decided that with your momma, but you're not gonna here. Not with me. Get over here, right now," she insists firmly. I think she's angry and ready to yell, but when I do approach her, she grabs my face gently and rubs her thumbs over my cheeks. "Did he hurt you?" Is the first thing she asks. "'Cause if he did...I'm killing him."
I sigh heavily. "Nonna, no...it's not anything. Just a little fight."
"A little fight? Your eyes look like they're going to burst from all the crying, damn it. I don't care what you trynna make me believe, but I'm not going to be fooled. Fine, don't talk to me about it, but I just want to know if you're going to be okay. And if not, I don't have many years left in me. I don't care if I have to spend them in jail."
I manage to crack a tiny smile as I assure her, "I'm fine, I promise. I wish mom would call me at least once. Or dad...would be nice."
She moves her hands to my arms and smiles sympathetically. "I did not give birth to a workaholic is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. They're busy all the time. I wish she would relax and fly over here and spend some time with family, but you know her. She got not time."
"Yeah," I breathe out, eventually leaning into a hug. She squeezes me tightly in a comforting manner, her fingers pulling softly through my frizzy curls. In her embrace, I murmur, "Nonna...you think if someone shared something with other people that really meant a lot to you, even if it was a total mistake, that you have the right to be upset?"
Knowingly, she hums and says, "If it meant that much to me...yes, of course. Now, go upstairs and wash up. Get some sleep."
n. i'll be updating soon. thanks for reading and waiting for SO long.