I took a glass of water and sat at the dining table.
My elbow pressed against the table, and I rested my head on my palm.
I didn't really know what I was thinking of, but my mind has been so messed up since my divorce.
I heard footsteps, and I glanced up.
I saw Taehyung coming towards me and sitting in front of me. "Babe, you can't sleep?"
"No, I'm just thirsty," I said, and I gulped down the water.
After that, I put the glass back on the table, and he held my hand.
His touch was so gentle. He caressed my hand with his thumb.
It was so warm. He warmed my heart.
"You have been like this since your divorce. Why? Is it because you have something like..."
"No!" I quickly denied it. I knew what he was about to say. He must be thinking I have romantic feelings for Eunwoo.
"Then what?" He sighed out and let go of my hand.
"It's like this. Imagine, you've been living..." I stopped, shutting my mouth. I worried if he got jealous. I tried to think of another word that would not make him jealous.
"What are you trying to say?"
"It's like this. Imagine you have been so close to someone for almost six years." I stopped when I saw Taehyung's gaze change.
"I mean close as friends, very close." I emphasized 'friends' and continued, "Then you both fight and end on bad terms. It kind of feels empty and hurts. Have you ever experienced something like that, Taehyung-ah?" asked me, studying his eyes.
"Empty and hurt. Like when I lost you?" asked him.
I shook my head. What he had for me was obsession. It's totally different. "No Taehyung. I am your lover. I mean your friend," I corrected him.
"Friend," he murmured, looking at me in the eyes when he could think of someone. "Like I fight with Namjoon because of you?" asked him.
I frowned. I never knew about that. And it's been too long that I've never heard of Namjoon either. "What happens? You fight with him because of me?"
Taehyung realized he slipped out of something he shouldn't have. "We're not really fighting now. It's just that our situation is quite cold," he said.
What he said didn't really answer me. I leaned forward. "What happens? How is it because of me?" asked me again. I really wanted to know.
He turned his head away from me. Obviously, he didn't want to tell me.
I pulled my face back and sighed in disappointment.
He noticed that, and fuck, he didn't want to fight with her.
He looked at me again. "It was about my six-year-old son's scandal to begin with."
I lifted my head and looked at him when he seemed to tell me.
"So, because at around that time, he knew I was dating you, so... So, he confronted me that I made you pregnant and ruined your future, or something like that. So, we fight, that's all," said him.
I thought Namjoon didn't care about me. To be honest, I was so touched that a tear rolled down my eye.
Back then, we talked a lot about dreams. He was the reason I went here. He was my best friend. Of course, I am touched now.
"Why do you cry?" I asked him, noticing my tears.
I shook my head and wiped away my tears. "I am touched.".
He frowned, uneasy. "Why?"
"I thought he didn't care about me," I said.
His frown deepened. "Does that mean you take his side?" asked him.
I realized he was unpleasant. "Do you think what you did was right??" asked me, and I got him speechless.
He rolled his eyes and looked away, frustrated. Y/N was right, and it made him feel worse.
I knew he was sulking because I didn't take his side, but whatever, he really did me wrong.
I ignored him and gulped down the water again.
After a while, he turned his head at me again, looking me in the eyes.
I waited for him to say something.
"Babe, let's get married," said he, holding my hand again.
I saw him trying to convince me with his physical touch.
I pulled my hand off him. "I am sorry, no."
"Why? You are already divorced. And you said you loved me too. What's holding you?"
I just gazed at him.
"Am I the only one who wants the marriage now?" asked him.
"Yes"
He frowned.
"For now, it's only you. You already know that I just got divorced. If you married me right away, what would people say? The problem is because you're famous. And my neighbors would recognize me, and this would cause another scandal. I don't want any problems anymore. Let's just wait a couple of months," I said.
"But I don't care about them all. Let's just get married quickly, I can't wait," he said.
"But I do. I care. It's about me. People will talk badly about me. I am sick of it."
"Babe, but I can't really wait. I'll protect you, okay? I will not let them talk badly about you. I will come clean for every rumor that people will make about us and about you."
I glared at him. He looked desperate. "What are you rushing for? Whether we're married or not, we're still the same."
"No, babe, no. It's not the same. It's different"
"How is it different??" I asked him, and he frowned, frustrated.
"We sleep together, we eat together, and we even already have a son now. What is less anymore?" I reasoned with him again.
"Babe, it's not about those. When we're married, at least we have rings or something like that. Do you understand?"
"So, what you actually want is to tie me to you with a marriage. Why? Because you can't trust me?" asked me.
"No, I just want a marriage. It's not because of anything else," he said.
I just gazed into his eyes. Yes, it's actually because he couldn't trust me. And it made sense because, before he brought about the marriage, I was on Namjoon's side. He must have felt insecure and jealous, just like when he was back then. He's still the same.
I gripped the glass on the table, leaning forward. "Only marry me when you can trust me," I said, and got off the chair. I went to the sink.
"Babe," he called me, and then quickly followed me to the sink. He hugged me from behind.
"Babe, I trust you," he said, and I buried his face in my neck.
I didn't respond to him and just washed the glass.
He lifted his head and asked, "What do you mean I can't trust you? I trust you, babe."
I turned, and he let me go. I folded my arms and gazed at him. He always had that innocent look with puppy eyes when he wanted something from me.
"What is trust to you?"
"Um?" He cocked his brow slightly. Very innocent.
"Define trust," said with a serious face.
"Trust is just trust, babe. What should I say?" asked him and awkwardly let out a small laugh.
I didn't laugh at all, my facial expressions remained serious. "Tomorrow, you bring me to Namjoon. I have to talk to him as a friend. Can you trust me?"
His facial expression completely changed. He looked unpleasant and frustrated. "Babe, you're so weird. Why do you suddenly want to meet Namjoon? It is so damn sudden. It has been six years, you haven't met him. What business do you have with him?"
Now, it's just obvious that he's jealous. He's always jealous of nothing. It's like I should never interact with any man. "Six years or not, he's my friend. If you're worried about what you've done to me, don't worry," paused me and wrapped my hands around his neck. I continued, "Honey, I will not expose you. And I'll even tell him that I'm fine with you now. We're even planning to get married. Maybe your cold war with him will finally be over. Can you trust me?" asked me to him. That was my point. Trust. I want his trust in me.
He turned his head away from me and kicked his tongue against his cheek. He seemed to give it some thought.
He clicked his tongue, and he turned his head at me. "Babe, this is not about trust. I just don't like that you"
"Okay." I cut him short and pulled my hands off him. "You can't trust me, so no marriage," I said, walking past him and going upstairs.
"Babe," he called me and followed me from behind.
I went straight to bed and pulled up the blanket. I closed my eyes.
He went to bed with me and scooted himself towards me. My back was facing him, so he jerked his head at me. "It's not that I can't trust you, it's just weird. You should tell me the point of meeting Namjoon," he said.
I just ignored him and kept closing my eyes.
"Babe," he called me because I didn't respond to him.
"Babe, please," said him again.
I just kept closing my eyes as I still felt his stare on me.
After a while, he gave up and threw his head into the pillow.
I heard him sighing out. Then he pressed his chest against my back, and he hugged me.
"Good night, babe. He said, "I love you," and pecked my head.
________
I put some vegetables in Jihoon's bowl.
Jihoon gazed up at me.
"You have to eat vegetables too. It's unhealthy if you only eat chicken meat," said.
"But dad does not have any vegetables in his bowl," said Jihoon.
I turned my head to Taehyung, who sat in front of me. Our eyes met right away.
I took some vegetables with chopsticks and put them into Taehyung's bowl.
I turned my head to Jihoon and said, "See. Your dad is going to eat vegetables too.".
"But, babe, I don't like cucumbers," said Taehyung.
I glared at him. "Show some good examples to kids. This is pre-marriage training," I said.
He looked down at the cucumber in his bowl. Unwillingly, he shoved it into his mouth. Then he swallowed it down into his throat bitterly.
It was obvious; he was very unwilling.
"See, Jihoon-ah. Your dad loves to eat vegetables. What about you? Don't you always follow what your dad is doing?" asked me.
He stared at me for a while and then picked up his chopsticks. "Okay. I'll try to eat vegetables too, babe," said Jihoon.
I choked on the air when he called me babe.
Taehyung was quite shocked to hear that, and his eyes went to Jihoon.
"What did you just call me, Jihoon??" asked me seriously.
"Babe. Dad calls you babe. I'm just following what dad is doing," h said, looking at me with innocent eyes.
Taehyung scoffed out of a smirk. I turned my head toward Taehyung. He seemed to be so entertained, and it's like he was mocking me with his curled smirk too.
I turned my head back to Jihoon. "I am your mom, Jihoon. Your dad calls me babe because I am his lover. I am not your lover, I am your mother, Jihoon," she said seriously.
I heard Taehyung wheezing. I glanced at him. He seemed to be holding his laughter so tightly. I didn't know why he found it funny. I was so fucking serious about this.
"Oh, Mom," said Jihoon, and he looked scared because my gaze at his eyes was so intense.
"Yes, that's it. I'm your mom," said, turning my head forward. I continued eating.
After doing dishes, I joined Jihoon and watched cartoons.
I took him on my lap and hugged him.
Then Taehyung came at me, sitting beside me.
"Babe, I will enroll Jihoon in a school after winter break," said him.
"Um, do whatever you like. He's under your custody now," I said, deepening my hug for Jihoon.
Then, I played with Jihoon's hair and even smelled it. I loved to smell his hair.
"Are you sulking over custody? We'll get custody together if we're married," he said.
"It's okay. I trust you. We don't need to share custody together. As I remember, you were even threatening me for custody. I'm willing to give it all to you now, what makes you change your mind?" asked me, indirectly shading him.
I also already knew that he was using custody to rush me into a marriage.
"It was a long time ago, why did you bring it out again?" Asked Taehyung.
"Long time ago? It was only one-two months ago," said me, ruffling Jihoon's hair.
Taehyung pursed his lips. It's like there's no other way to convince her into a marriage now. She even kept shading him.
Jihoon turned his head to me and said, "Mom."
"Yes, dear," said I.
"Mom, I missed Eunwoo dad," said Jihoon.
I quickly turned my head toward Taehyung. His facial expression completely changed.
"I haven't seen him for a long time. Can I see Eunwoo, dad?" asked Jihoon again.
"Sure honey. I'll get you to see him," said.
I was expecting this. Of course, this little boy would miss the one who raised him too.
Taehyung frowned when I said that. "Y/N," he called me with a voice that was clear and serious.
Jihoon smiled from ear to ear. "Thank you, mom."
"Y/n, I don't."
"Stop Taehyung," said me, looking at him. "I know what you want to say. I don't want to talk about this in front of our son.".
"Then let's talk away from here. I really need to talk to you," said him, who looked so assertive.
"Okay," said I, and I put Jihoon off my lap to the sofa.
I got up and followed Taehyung to the kitchen. "Listen, y/n, I don't want you to have any relation to Eunwoo. You both have already divorced. I don't like this."
I frowned. "How could this be about me? This is about Jihoon.".
"Jihoon is my son, not his son," said Taehyung.
"Eunwoo raised him. Of course, they would both have some affection for each other. You know it too.".
"I can convince Jihoon to forget about Eunwoo."
"How?" she asked me.
"We have to be strict."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, Taehyung. You can't. I will just have Jihoon meet him somewhere like the restaurant, and then we will come home right away. I will not let Eunwoo take Jihoon home. It's just that."
"Are you just telling me that you're going out to date him?"
I rolled my eyes in frustration. He was so frustrated that he kept thinking in another way. "It's not dating. I have something to fix with him too. I've been living for fucking five years with him; did I ever have feelings for him more than just a friend? No, right? I still love you. And I've been loving you. Why can't you trust me?? You've been acting like this to me since the beginning. Jimin, Namjoon, and my senior too. And that was why you fucking locked me in your hell! Fucking stop, Kim Taehyung. If you can't control your jealousy, things are going to be the same again. Just like when you were back then. The difference is that you don't lock me up, but you want to tie me to you with a marriage. And keep in mind that I don't want a marriage until you. Can. Trust. me," I said, poking his chest, and I walked past him.
"Y/N," he called me, but I ignored him.
He clicked his tongue and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Fuck," he muttered.
***