He pulled his arm off my grip and looked at me with furrowed brows. "Don't touch me. I am disgusted" said him.
My eyes widened in shock.
He never said such a thing to me. And those eyes, he never looked at me like that. As I was a disgusting creature.
"Wh-what's wrong?" asked me with my lips twitched.
He gazed intensely into my eyes for a while.
His gaze was too strong. Even worse, I could feel hatred within it.
I had trouble maintaining eye contact with him. "Why?" he asked me when he still didn't answer me.
He turned his face away from me.
I was still confused by his sudden act. And I was still disturbed when he said I was disgusting.
"Don't give me that look," he said, breaking the cold silence between us.
"What?" she asked me in confusion.
"That innocent look doesn't fit your personality."
My frown deepened. He must be brainwashed by Taehyung. I clenched my hands and then loosened them.
"Eunwoo-ah, what has Taehyung told you?"
He didn't answer me.
"If you act like this, how can I know? How can I make it clear to you if you hide something from me? What about me makes you disgusted with me?" asked me, looking at him seriously straight in the eyes"
I saw his facial muscles trembling when I bombarded him with the questions.
He gulped down his saliva, calming himself. Then he finally turned his face to look at me. "What..." he stopped, unable to say. It was like his words stuck in his throat.
I heard him letting out a trembling breath. My eyes were still intensely on him. To be honest, I was afraid of what he was about to say. I didn't know why, but I was just afraid, and yet I was impatient to know.
"What pills are you on these days?" asked him after the struggle.
"Pills? What do you mean? "I don't understand."
"Stop acting innocent, y/n. Can you be a little bit honest with me?"
"What?"
Eunwoo shook his head at me, thinking that I was acting up. That made me panic. I did not want him to misunderstand me.
"Stop already. What other pills do you think got me like this?"
I got what he said, and the possible pills that he meant came to mind. My eyes flickered. My lips parted. My trembling breath escaped between my lips.
I felt my facial muscles freeze. Tears started welling up in my eyes.
It couldn't be the birth control pills, right? But...
A whimper escaped out of my control, and I quickly shut my lips back, trying to control it at my best.
He sighed frustratedly. At this point, he hated to see her crying. That was his weak point. So, he looked away.
"I-I'm sorry. " I shut my lips when I was unable to reason.
He got up.
Tears finally escaped my eyes because I knew he'd leave again.
I looked up at him. I was honestly begging him to understand me internally.
But still, he walked away from me. I watched him disappear from my sight.
I couldn't blame him.
I pinched my eyes closed, and tears started falling like a waterfall.
How could I resolve this? What would my life be like again after this?
And to be honest, what hurt more was my dignity. It had left the deepest scar inside me because I didn't think this matter could be healed. He knew the thing that I was afraid of the most when people knew. Something that I wish I could bury in the deepest part of the part of the earth's crust.
My body started trembling. I was actually scared.
"Mom?"
I was startled when I heard Jihoon's voice, and quickly I wiped away my tears with my sleeves.
I turned my head to the back to look at him.
"Mom, the food is getting cold."
"Oh," I quickly got up.
"What are you doing on the grass?" asked Jihoon.
"I-I was-I. It's comfortable to sit there, taking in the fresh air," said I.
"But aren't you getting Dad? Where is Dad?" asked Jihoon, and he turned his head around to look for Eunwoo.
"Yeah, yeah. I just talked to him, and he said he had to go somewhere."
"Um?" He looked very confused.
I walked towards Jihoon and held his shoulders. "Let's eat together first. Dad will get home very late tonight. He's eating outside," said, slowly pushing him inside.
Then I closed the door, and he went to sit at the dining table.
I went to scoop rice into two bowls and then brought them to the dining table.
I sat beside Jihoon. I put some soup and chicken in his bowl and then in mine.
Jihoon started enjoying his meal.
I stared at the meal. I was actually losing my appetite, and I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to cry over that thing. But I couldn't do that in front of Jihoon.
Jihoon realized you hadn't touched her food yet, and he asked, "Mom, why don't you eat yet?"
"Oh, I am going to," said I, and I took the chopsticks. I started digging for food.
I was still bothered by that thing.
Instead of eating, I felt more like shoving the food inside my throat.
I started to feel nausea. I immediately put down the chopsticks, got up, and went to the sink to throw out the food in my mouth. I could not swallow it.
I coughed. My face started reddening because some got me choking.
I pushed the tap water open to wash away the mess. And then, I washed my mouth.
I stared at the running water in the sink. Its sound—I didn't know why, but it made my heart break.
I could no longer hold the burst in my chest, and tears started rolling down my throat tremendously. The least I could do was keep myself from making the sound.
Jihoon was watching Y/N. He didn't dare ask her since she looked so bad.
I realized Jihoon had been watching me cry. I quickly tried holding it and sniffing away my tears.
After that, I walked to Jihoon, and he quickly turned his head forward and continued eating.
"Jihoon-ah"
He turned his head at me again. "Yes?"
"Mom is full. After you finish eating, just put your bowl in the sink, okay?"
He nodded.
"Mom feels a little bit unwell. I have to go rest."
"Oh, okay, mom," said he.
I walked away and went into my room.
Jihoon watched you walk away. After she closed the door, he turned his head, looking at the food. Most of them were untouched.
Then he looked around. Empty seats.
It was quiet, too. He was only accompanied by the sound of a ceiling fan.
His shoulders drooped down, and he sighed out.
He felt sad at the sight of his mom's red face and silently shed tears.
As soon as I got into the room, tears fell back from my eyes.
I felt myself being loud, so I covered my mouth with my palm and muffled my whimper.
Too weak to stand, I dragged myself on my arms and legs to the heavy mausoleum floor.
The cry continued, then trailed off into a weak whimper.
I admit that if I were Eunwoo, I would do the same.
What bothered me the most was that he knew that sh*t.
It was true. Nothing forever remains a secret in this world. It's slowly happening.
I shook my head. It's sickening.
And Taehyung. Why? Why did he do this to me?
I clenched my hands. I felt like I wanted to murder him.
I was so exasperated that I scratched the line along my forearm. I did it up and down like I rubbed the sandpaper. I stopped when it started to hurt and bleed.
I growled. The five long lines on my arms got me distracted. I studied them. The wound wasn't deep. Most of them just turned into gold.
Still, there was a little bit of blood dripping down. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't satisfied.
___
I was woken by the sound of knocking.
My head felt like it was stabbed by thousands of needles. Maybe because I cried way too much last night.
I tried to get up, but I couldn't.
"Mom"
It was Jihoon, and I sighed.
"Just open the door. Mom doesn't lock it."
I heard the door twist open, and Jihoon rushed at me. "Mom, don't I have to go to school today?"
My hand reached the back of his head. "I'm sorry, honey. Mom is feeling very ill today. I can't walk you to school," I said, then took a quick glance at the wall clock and went back to him. "It's late already. Just stay at home today. I'll tell your teacher, don't worry," I convinced him.
He didn't respond to me. He seemed to be more concerned about me because I saw his eyes studying my swelling eyes.
I rubbed his cheek with my thumb. "Don't worry about me too. I will be fine soon. If you are hungry, go pour yourself the milk in the fridge and eat the snack first. I'll cook later, okay?"
He nodded obediently. "Mom, please get well quickly."
I giggled and nodded. He was so cute.
Then, Jihoon got out of Y/N's room and went into the kitchen.
The last night's meal was still on the table, and it was smelly. He sighed. "Mom must be so sick," he said under his breath, and he went to get the milk in the fridge.
I felt a little bit better and went to cook lunch for Jihoon.
I took a glance at Jihoon. He was already waiting, sitting at the dining table and looking at me.
His gaze. Sometimes I felt his gaze was the same as Taehyung's.
I ignored that thought and continued cooking.
After I finished cooking, I served the meal and sat in front of Jihoon, watching him eat.
Jihoon stopped eating when he realized she wasn't eating. "Mom, why don't you eat?"
"I'll eat later," said I.
"Why don't we eat together now, um?" asked him and gave me a cute smile that all his teeth were showing.
I pinched his cheek. "Mom doesn't have an appetite yet. I'm afraid I'm going to throw it out again," said.
His face pinched in disappointment, but he tried not to show it. "Oh, okay," said he, and he continued eating.
I kept watching him eat until I got startled by the sudden knock from the main door.
I quickly got up. It could be Eunwoo because we rarely have guests.
I went to the door and opened it. My eyes flickered. It was really Eunwoo.
"We need to settle this," said him.
We were in our room because we didn't want Jihoon to listen to our conversations.
I was sitting on the bed and looked up at Eunwoo, who stood in front of me, looking like he had a lot on his head.
"Y/N, you know it's hard for me."
I looked away when he said that. I bit my bottom lip. I really hated to talk about it, but I have to face it.
"I don't see the future in this. We don't feel the same way."
I looked at him again. I heard a pain in his weak voice.
"I'm just a moment in your life. A phase," then he nodded to himself, "I will accept it. I will not hold the grudge against you."
I looked into his eyes more intensely. Why did he sound as if he wanted to leave?
Then he handed me a big envelope.
My eyes shifted at the envelope. I could start feeling something, and my hand was trembling to take it.
I finally took it and opened the envelope.
My face muscles froze for a moment. It was something that I already knew, but still, it was an enormous shock to me.
"Let's just... stop here," he said.
Tears started falling down, and I shook my head.
It was a divorce paper.
"No, Eunwoo. Why do you have to choose this?" asked me, looking up at him with despair in my eyes.
"Why? Did you just ask me why?"
My lips twitched. I didn't deserve to ask him that. The reason was so obvious.
"We can fix this," said I.
"What else can we fix?" asked him, sounding so fed up.
"I don't know. But those were not what I wanted. Never ever once will I forget that I'm your wife. I know my limit," she said. I know I sounded mumbling, but I could not have myself to talk more than this. I shook my head. "You shouldn't do this, we can still fix it. Please"
Eunwoo sighed.
"I'm sorry," I said.
He shook his head, like he didn't want to listen to me. "I don't want to fix anything. I told you I wanted to settle this. You're sorry, but you're going to do it again and again. And then you're sorry again. And then, the shit is still going on," said him, and more tears in my eyes fell down.
"But Eunwoo. I didn't do that purposely," she said.
"Stop y/n. Stop lying. Whatever it is, you never have any feelings towards me anyway. Unless you have sympathy, The reason for you to still be in this marriage. Do you pity me?" asked him, and he looked me straight in the eyes.
I shook my head.
"Lie. I should have never told you my stupid, heartbroken story," he said bitterly.
I shook my head vigorously.
"Stay in this house until you find your own way. I allow you to," said him.
"No," I said in disbelief. It seemed like there was nothing that could change his mind.
I looked into his eyes again. Our eyes met straight with each other. He rolled his eyes and turned about to leave, but I quickly got down, holding his leg, and clung onto it.
"Please believe in me. I know you are disgusted with me. Me too, I'm disgusted with myself. But I never ever want this to happen."
He pinched his eyes in frustration. To him, y/n kept making him guilty. But he had to assert his decision because, to him, nothing had changed since that. And he didn't want to get hurt again in the future. He could feel that her relationship with Taehyung would never end. He would get hurt again if this wasn't over yet.
He pulled his leg forward, and I still didn't let him go.
He sighed. He didn't want to drag her. He bent down and forcefully removed her grip on his leg.
As soon as he took my grips off him, I locked my hands around his leg again. "No," I said, shaking my head.
He removed them again, and I was about to do it again, but I stopped when I accidentally scratched his hand, causing it to bleed.
I panicked. "I'm sorry"
As I let go of his leg, he didn't say anything and walked away from me.
As soon as that happened, I felt like losing my sanity and burst into tears.
I sobbed in utter despair.
I was overwhelmed by a thousand feelings of despair. Right now, I would like to disappear.
What's the point of living when I always end up like this??
Then, my eyes accidentally glanced at the divorce paper, and I stared at it for a while.
I took it harshly. I read it again. This sh*t hurts me. I flung it in a tragic gesture and continued crying.
***