kiss me hard before you go;
Depression was a real bitch.
It's been three years. three long years of rage and resentment.
For a very long time, Taehyung had thought that maybe, just maybe he wasn't the shell of a person he used to be. He thought he was getting better & above his depressive fog but only he wasn't.
It's been three years since he lost his mom, and nothing has been the same after that.
Just take it day by day.
Your mom would want you to be happy.
Healing takes time.
That's all his online therapist had said after their countless, useless sessions.
Well, fuck time and fuck that quack job of a therapist too.
Bringing the bottle of vodka to his lips, Taehyung enjoyed the burning sensation that ran down his throat.
'No one said life was easy,' he'd said during their last phone call.
and well, Taehyung had hung up.
Yeah, no one said it'd be easy, but no one said it was complete and utter hell either. Like how about a fucking warning?
He wasn't naive. He knew bad things happen to good people all the time, but it never hits you until it happens to you.
He just wished someone would have warned him about how utterly painful this could be. He received countless sorrys, hugs and so many texts of worry, yet not a single person explained him the process of grief. The way of handling this grief.
As the time passed, it got worse and worser, but he still had a ray of hope inside him that made him want to hold on to the bad, thinking the good would come eventually. Only for it to never come.
Three years.
It's been three years and he's still bleeding out.
Why did no one tell him the true depth of this insanity?
That there would be days when he ached so deeply it took everything in him to get out of bed.
That his head would pound from the soundless tears he tried to hide in the hopes of not disturbing his roommate.
That nothing in the world would smell the same, taste the same, sound the same.
That something as simple as taking a shower would be a giant feat.
That there would be days when he was so clouded with anger that he would hurt the only people in the world that ever meant anything to him...
No one told him how isolating depression is.
How it makes you do things to push people away. How it alienates you. It's a disease that eats you from the inside out.
Taehyung knows he need help, and yet he won't ask for it because somehow drowning feels easier than letting anyone see what's inside his fucked up mind.
I'm fine...
That's what he tells himself every single day.
But he's not.
It's like he's sitting on the tip of explosion. His instincts are yelling at him to run and dodge all this shit before it explodes, yet he doesn't run away. because that's what depression does to a person.
You don't run away from hell, you welcome it with open arms. You let the destruction wrap itself around you and let it destroy you until there's nothing left.
Taehyung leans back against the fallen log and takes a look at his lit but forgotten joint, staring unseeing at the water. It's been like this for days.
He's numb. He's tired. He's defeated. And he feel like there's nothing left.
"Taehyung."
He hears his name, but doesn't turn around. No one cares about him anyway. And he doesn't blame them, because after everything he has done, he does not deserve them.
He flicks the burnt-out joint to the dirt before tipping back the bottle.
I'm a fuckup.
That's all he does. He fucks up and hurt people. He should just disappear. It'd be better for everyone if he did. Better for him.
The only person in the world who has the power to break him open and destroy the last bit of his battered heart. So what did Taehyung do? He destroyed him first. He had to. It's not like he could let him in, could let him get close enough to see how truly empty and useless he is inside.
"Taehyung."
There goes his name again. It sounds louder this time, more frantic, but Taehyung didn't have it in him to respond.
He tips back the bottle again, wanting to take a few more gulps, but it's empty. That's strange. He just opened it. Or at least, he thought he had. He drops it down, looking out to the water, only to realize it's now dark too.
Okay, it's time to go. He needs to get something to eat and sleep because he has clearly lost his mind on top of everything else.
Moving to stand, he trips over his legs and falls onto his ass. Damn, he feel heavy. Everything feels heavy, even his eyes. He blinks lazily, trying to gain some clarity. Maybe he should just take a nap here first.
Leaning back, he expects to fall into the log only to meet the hard, cool ground instead. Fuck, that's going to hurt tomorrow. Everything hurts every day anyway.
But not right now. Not with the alcohol and weed coursing through his veins. Warm. He's warm inside. It's nice. It's like being with Jungkook. Warm, safe, home. A security blanket.
Jungkook. He smiles when he thinks about his big blue eyes, sweet, pouty lips, and sassy attitude. He's too good for him. Always has been and always will be. He's everything he ever wanted, and in another life, maybe he'd truly be his.
But sadly, this isn't a fairytale and He's not a prince, so happy-ever-afters don't exist.
"Taehyung!"
Jungkook's closer, sounding almost on top of him now. He knows that voice so well. He had heard it hiss in anger and cry out in passion.
He blinks, wanting to see the face of an angel. His princess. He doesn't deserve to look at him, but it doesn't stop him from seeking him out. Too bad his eyes shut almost instantly. It's okay though, he'll be there in Taehyung's dreams like he always is. At least they're happy there.
A beat passes. Two. Three.
Hands.
Hands running across Taehyung's stomach, grabbing onto his shoulders and giving him a shake.
"Taehyung, please, open your eyes. I need you to look at me."
A soft sob breaks through Taehyung's haze, and it makes him frown. He didn't want to make Jungkook cry anymore. He promised himself after the last time that he would never hurt him again.
Jungkook.
He meant to say it aloud, only he can't because his lips aren't cooperating. Fuck. He's so drunk. Completely fucked up.
"Taehyung?"
Jungkook's panicking, and Taehyung wanted to reassure him, but he can't because he's slipping away; everything just feels too good.
"Taehyung."
Don't cry, princess....
It'll be okay...
I love you...
That's the last thought Taehyung has before everything goes black.