"Please..."
"Jisung, no..."
"Please, say it, Hyunjin... I'm begging you...just say it... Tell me that you are joking...please tell me he is not my son...please..."
"I-I... I can't..."
"Yes, you can. It's just three words... Say it, please... You cannot do this to me..."
"Jisung...I'm sorry..."
"Hyunjin..."
"I- I- I wish you knew me a little more, Jisung..."
"Why...?"
"So you would know I don't mean to hurt you by all this...and that I'm telling you this not to hurt you, but to keep you away from my aunt's lies..."
"But-"
"I won't say it..."
"Hyunjin-"
"I can't say it... I'm not lying... You need to know the truth... I'm sorry..."
After Jisung burst into tears in my chest, he tried to make me say things I didn't mean. Things that would lessen his grief.
In the back of his brain something blocked him. He really wanted to believe I was lying or joking.
The pain he felt for the truth was too hard to bear it, so his brain brainwashed him. It was like a mechanical defence that activated.
I was ready to be asked all the questions he could have, but he was not ready to know the truth and I was not ready to see him collapse like this.
It hit him really hard to know that all this time he has been grieving for a little girl that was not even his.
I understand that what I was implying was unbelievable and taken out of a crazy fictional book. I know that getting to know this and believing it is very difficult.
One day you are grieving your daughter, the one you saw die with your own eyes and the next day someone comes to you to tell you they've been raising your son for a long time now, that the ashes your had in your hands were from someone else's baby.
Hard to believe, I know. It's completely shocking.
I totally understand his reaction.
Besides, so far there are just words, but not evidence given.
That's why he wanted me to say I was lying. As long as there weren't tangible proofs there was a possibility of going back on my words, but I wouldn't give in. Nor even if he was in painful turmoil; A pain very destructive. The wound in his chest wide opened once again and in mine a new one formed.
Staying in the living room in this state was not a good idea.
Han Jisung couldn't take his eyes away from Su-jin.
He had tears in his eyes, but his eyebrows were also furrowed. His both fists were also clenched. I didn't know if that was a good sign or not.
Since Su-jin could spot us in this crying mess, I stood up from the couch with Jisung and led us to my room.
When we arrived there, I left the door open so I could listen to Su-jin's voice and Kkami's noises.
Jisung sat on my bed, depleted. He was crying with his hands covering his face.
He is in a deep shock to process what I've just revealed.
I'm not even sure if he acknowledged that Jinsu and I are related, since I saw in his eyes how he scanned my face to see if he could find any of her in me. But when it wasn't like that, when he didn't find any resemblance in me, he lowered his gaze and whispered 'lie' to himself.
While Jisung was on my bed, processing part of the information I gave him, I went to my wardrobe and looked for several things, among them a gaudy photo album I've been holding onto the past weeks.
I put it in front of Jisung and waited until he felt the sudden weight on the bed.
"W-what's this?" Jisung removed his hands from his face and asked in a low tone, almost inaudible.
"An album..." I replied softly.
He completely ignored me and went back to his previous position.
I knew he was mad and in pain, but I still needed to tell him more.
However, I didn't know how else to continue.
After seeing he wouldn't ask about the object in front of him, I sighed, "Jisung, that's one of my albums, and that one in specific contains some of my most precious memories...of her..." I clarified as I walked from the bed to the door of my room. "I know Jinsu and I look different, but I don't want you to believe I lied to you. You can take a look and see that she and I are family," I whispered and offered before going away.
I left Jisung alone in my room without making sure if he had listened to me or not.
He needed some time, I knew that.
But there was also another reason why I decided to leave him there.
The first one is that perhaps he needed to be alone for a moment to analyse the situation, and the other one because I needed a break.
All these emotions were consuming me. I have been trembling for a while now. My legs can't stop shaking. I am so afraid of Jisung's future reaction to all of this.
Since I had bought a little bit of time, I went to check Su-jin. I needed to calm myself down and I knew that ball of sunshine could give me a little bit of peace.
I know I have an emotional dependency on this baby, and I might be overprotective, but I truly am scared of Jisung taking this baby away from me. I know it is his, but I can't help feeling this frightened.
Now that I have revealed who this baby belongs to...what am I going to do now?
This small baby belongs to the people I love the most. He turned in my precious treasure.
Like I once said, I have the best of two worlds. And I want to hold onto that.
Putting those negative thoughts in the back of my head I went to the living room and grabbed Su-jin in my arms.
He wasn't crying or anything, but I held and rocked him in my arms as if he were. I also kissed him on the cheek and rubbed his back for comfort.
"Su-jin-ah...what's my baby boy doing, huh? Are you hungry? Are you sleepy?"
Su-jin was wide awake and had eaten already. There was no way I could keep using him as a distraction for me to not be in the same room as Jisung. A part of me wanted to go back to yesterday or at least to where Jisung and I were in his work. But that was impossible now.
"Tuti~" Su-jin groaned and struggled in my arms, "ami~" he was so comfortable playing with Kkami and from time to time watching the tv. The sudden interruption bothered him and made him whine.
I know he loves me, but he loves to play a little bit more. Like any other baby.
"Haha, I'm sorry~ I'm sorry~" I sang playfully but feeling ashamed, "I was just missing my baby boy~ Give me a kiss and I'll let you play~"
Su-jin understood the word 'kiss' so he leaned to my face and pecked my lips. I squeezed him in my arms and showered him with more kisses before putting him back on the ground.
My baby was doing fine. He didn't need me at that moment, but oh how much I needed him. I needed more of his little hugs and those big eyes looking at me with admiration. I wanted to feel he needed me and more than anything, I wanted to feel loved.
In the same process I left Su-jin on the floor, I patted Kkami's head and told him, "keep taking care of Su-jin for me, Kkami. You're doing great..."
Kkami barked in response and rapidly went to Su-jin and began playing with him like before.
I couldn't help but smile at this sight.
It has always been like this with these two. They steal smiles and laughs from me everytime they are together.
I was so happy to see them like this that they almost made me forget that I had Jisung in my room.
Before my smile vanished, I turned around and went back to where Jisung was.
But not before going to the kitchen to drink water and mentally prepare myself for whatever was happening.
When I arrived at the brim of my room's door, I saw Jisung holding my album.
Judging by what I saw, I could deduce that he hadn't opened the album yet.
He was just staring at the silver cover, waiting for a sign to finally turn the first page.
As I approached, I saw him biting his lower lip in worry. His eyes were swollen and his cheeks were covered with tears. I could sense that he was very nervous upon seeing the contents of that album.
I remained close enough with my eyes set on him. I was observing every movement he had.
As expected, Jisung's eyes gradually widened when he saw the first page. But as he kept observing that picture, his eyes became soft and tears once again fell from his eyes.
I softened my own eyes at the sight. Just remembering that first picture makes my heart ache.
"Is this..." Jisung tried to mumble something, but the words died down in his throat.
I took this as my cue and sat next to him.
I felt the need to explain the background of that photo even if he didn't ask me, "Jinsu and I were pretty close when we were kids. We used to play until we got tired of everything, so we often fell asleep in weird places. Mostly because I followed everywhere she went. That picture is proof of it."
In that first picture, I had my head on Jinsu's lap while Jinsu's head was rested on my stomach. It was a weird position to be honest, but somehow was comfortable for both of us at that time.
Jinsu and I were sleeping on the inside of an old couch. It had a secret compartment that Jinsu 'found'.
In reality it was broken. We were so small, so we could fit anywhere. My mom knew that but she just let Jinsu think and do whatever she pleased because my mom loved her. That's why I never got scolded. As long as it was Jinsu's idea I wouldn't be scolded by my mom.
She used to take pictures of us just to show it to Jinsu's parents, the ones that missed a lot of Jinsu's mischieves.
Jinsu always dragged me to her most untrusted adventures and I always followed her blindly.
It was so fun to play and spend time with her. Jinsu was full of energy. She was never tired. That silly girl always had so many ideas to have fun and make me laugh, and that's why I loved to be with her everywhere.
Jisung's expression was soft while staring at the picture and hearing my explanation.
He played with the corner of the first page, doubting whether to turn it or not.
When he finally changed the page, his tears multiplied.
All the stages I went through with Jinsu were in that album. Some of them were random, others were cute and some others were very touching.
Jinsu formed a big part of my childhood, and although that album cannot tell how important Jinsu and I were for each other, at least proof that we were in each other's lives.
"Ah- shit..." Jisung stopped abruptly looking at the pictures when he arrived at the middle of the album.
He closed it and held it to his chest.
I stared at him blankly.
"Hey...are you okay?" I asked softly. I reached my hand to touch him, but I retrieved it.
I didn't feel the right to touch him.
"This..." his lips trembled, "it feels so..." he closed and tightened his eyes more, "it feels so unreal, Hyunjin... How can this be happening? How is this possible? I can't believe it..."
"I know," I whispered as I lowered my head to play with my fingers. "I'm really sorry, Jisung. I know all this is so crazy and I can't imagine what is going through your head and heart right now...I still can't believe my cousin passed away and I was never told until recently..."
My gaze was set on the floor. For a moment my mind blurred.
"I spent a lot of time looking for someone I love, and in that process I didn't pay her too much attention... There were times where she needed me, Jinsu needed to express her feelings and I was not here for her... Sometimes I left her aside...and I knew she understood me and never judge me because she was once in my same situation...but still...if I had been there for her...if I had been known she was pregnant...if I had known she got married...if- maybe I could have been there and- and- I-"
My words stuck in my throat. I was once again blaming me for Jinsu's death.
My eyes felt hot. I tried to swallow and wait to continue speaking, but I couldn't. My chest was hurting.
I tried to stand up from the bed and run to the bathroom. I didn't want Jisung to see me in this state and tell me that I had no right to be like this for Jinsu, but I halted.
Someone took me from my left arm and pulled me down. I felt a strong grip on my body.
Everything happened so fast.
When I squinted my eyes and opened them significantly, I saw myself being hugged by him.
Jisung had put the album aside. He was no longer pressing it to his chest. He had me now pressed to his chest. His arms surrounded my body into a warm hug.
"Jisung, I-"
My heart was about to burst. I wanted to act strong, but I've been falling apart for so long and alone, without being able to share this burden with anyone because it's a family secret.
A damn family secret. Just to protect the fucking hierarchy. What a joke.
"Jisung, I-I'm sorry... I know I'm not supposed to be crying and-"
I tried with all my heart to separate from him, but it was in vain.
The more I tried to separate from him, the more he brought me closer.
Jisung put his right hand on the back of my head and ruffled my hair. He whispered in my ear afterwards, "cry..."
"Wh-what?" my eyes widened.
"You need to cry, Hyunjin..." he said softly as he gently squeezed my body, "let it all out..."
"But-"
"You might not look like her, but you are certainly stubborn as her," Jisung chuckled dryly, "I know why you are trying to act strong, but it's not necessary. I've been crying for Jinsu for months now and the pain doesn't go away. Do you think your pain for her will disappear just because you cried for three weeks? Sorry, buddy but that won't happen. You can be selfish right now and cry in front of me all you want."
I lifted my head to meet his eyes.
The way he was looking at me was with pity.
I saw no hatred, and that somehow made me want to burst more into tears.
Jisung placed one of his hands on my face and wiped the remnants of my tears, he said afterwards, "I'm so sorry you had to find out that Jinsu passed away just a couple of weeks ago... I can't imagine your reaction when you got to know about that and also the impotence you must feel right now..."
My eyes filled with more water, but what made me lose it all was what he said next.
"Cry, Hyunjin...cry all you want and empty your grief... I can tell none of this is your fault...you were just dragged away in this story... They made you form part of it without your consent. You are not like Jinsu's mother, so don't feel ashamed. I'll leave my pain aside just to be here for you..."
I burst into tears and hugged Jisung as tight as I could and cried like a small kid.
It was the very first time I cried this much in front of someone.
We were both in pain, and none of us deserved to be in this situation.
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