" Hi," I said to him as soon as he sat down opposite me. I had called him earlier today that we needed to speak, I knew he was confused and I also knew his wife wouldn't want him to be here, so whatever I wanted to say needed to be fast.
" I'm glad you asked to see me," he said with a smile and I managed a smile of my own.
" There is something I would like to clear up, especially about our relationship," I said as the words I'd practiced over and over in my head became so hard for me to speak, I wanted our meeting to be in public so I don't become too dramatic, I couldn't cry in public.
" That's why I'm here, I'll listen to whatever you have to say," He said with what looked like hope shining in his eyes.
" I want to let you know that at one time in my life, you were the best father, everything was perfect, I had dreamt of my father walking me down the aisle, I've had hope for our family, I painted the perfect picture, you know, I used to make drawings of us as a perfect family, but we lost that, things don't always work the way we plan," I said to him as I tried to push back the tears that were beginning to form in my eyes.
" We lost it when you left us, I didn't call you here to recall all the bad moments we had, but I want to let you know that, you left a woman that loved you, you know, she used to wait by the window hoping to hear the sound of your car, but it never happened, God this is hard," I said as I wiped the tears that rolled down my eyes, I didn't want to cry.
" So…," tears gathered in my eyes again and I stayed quiet in a way to control my emotion so I don't become a sobbing mess in public,...." I want you to know that,...
I stopped to take a deep breath.
…" I forgive you," At my words, his eyes went round and I could see the emotions deeply buried in his eyes.
" I forgive you, I want you to know that, but I also want you to know that it doesn't instantly mean that are back to normal, it's going to take me time, I need to heal until I'm strong enough to be with you and not remember what we have lost, I cannot, I don't think I want you around me just yet, but I just wanted to free myself of the burden of hating you, life doesn't always give us what we want." I took deep breaths trying to stop myself from becoming a sobbing mess, I was feeling pains in my heart, pains that were caused by my father.
" Also I have to be sure your wife isn't out for my head, I don't trust her," His eyes scanned my face like he was searching for something before he spoke.
" Jane," He stopped as if saying the name alone caused him pain.
" I know I haven't been a good father, I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most, but I want you to know that I'll try my best for you as long as you give me the chance, I want to be there for you, you'll be a mother soon, and I know you're going to make a great mother, I am proud of you," I felt his hand rest on mine in affection and I knew that no matter how I tried to deny it he was still my father, things might not work out now but I know that we would be fine, we would get there.
" I'll leave now," I said as I stood up needing to be out of this place before I broke down in tears. As soon as I was inside the car, the waters came flooding, I was trying my best not to be loud because of the driver, I knew he would want to make sure I was okay.
" Can you take me to the cemetery, I need to see my mom," I said to him as he started the car and drove us from the cafe.
I needed to talk to her, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, and although I felt free, there was still something telling me that I was just allowing my father and his wife to cause me pain.
On the way, I got her roses, red.
When the driver parked the car in front of the cemetery gate I just looked through the car window, I felt like I was going to talk to my mom one-on-one.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car and walked into the cemetery.
When I reached my mom's stone I dropped the flower on it.
" Hi Mom, I've missed you, you know, I wish you could come back, even if all you did was yell at me, as long as you're here I don't mind, I can take it. I wish we were a complete family, but you know life doesn't always give you what you want." I said with tears uncontrollably rolling down my eyes.
" I went to see Dad, I know he left us, I know he caused you pain, I should hate him but I didn't want that, I would be a mom soon and I was lucky because I knew if things had gone the way they were supposed to between me and Markus I wouldn't have had access to my child which meant my child might hate me, the thought of that caused me so much pain and then it got me thinking, how would my father feel knowing for a fact that I hate him? I asked myself that, so I had to do the right thing, I forgave him, we might not be as before but I know for a fact that I hold nothing against him and I hope you know this mom, I love you,"
*****
Thank you for reading.