Have you ever been in a situation where you blurted out something you regretted the very moment the words left your lips?
Having that intrusive thought in your mind that pushes you to do or say that you were joking?
Isn't that fine line of going back and calling it quits to get out of trouble always tempting?
Well, I felt this way the moment I said that Su-jin was not my son.
After saying that harsh sentence, Jisung kept eye contact with me for a couple of minutes, which seemed like hours.
There was no reaction whatsoever at first.
The information didn't hit him immediately. It was like he wasn't listening, or something was blocking him.
I couldn't tell.
"Su-jin...is not your- wait..."
Jisung snapped out of his trance. He blinked three times in a row, trying to get himself out of that frozen state he fell into.
"I think I- I didn't catch that...?? Would you mind saying that again?"
This first reaction was very calm compared to what I was expecting.
Maybe because I said it without context and that information could be interpreted in a thousand ways.
In fact, I left the idea so open that the information could be interpreted as if Su-jin was adopted, or he was 'my wife's son', no?
Now that I think about it, there could be many reasonable reasons, except that Su-jin is his son and also the son of my cousin Jinsu, the one who is the wife he lost as well. Oh, and on top of that, she is my cousin.
Fuck!!!! How am I supposed to explain all this puzzle???!!!!
Of course, Jisung wouldn't be connecting the dots in that way, what reaction was I even expecting?
The fear I felt at that moment made me think for a fraction of a second about saying I was joking and continuing with our casual hangout since explaining all of this would be quite a challenge.
This was my chance to go back to how we were five minutes ago and continue living with his presence by my side.
But there was something inside me that was refraining me.
If I do that... wouldn't I be turning into the bad guy? Wouldn't I be the bad guy in my own story? Wouldn't I be betraying Jinsu and Su-jin? And above all, wouldn't I be betraying Jisung and the love I feel for him?
Yeah, I would be doing that, and I just couldn't see myself doing that.
I am a pretty good person with just some bad luck. But that's all.
I just want to see the one I love happy. Even if what I am going to tell him will unimaginably shatter his heart.
"Hyunjin?"
Jisung waved his hand in front of me, bringing me back on track. Now, I was the one spacing out.
I needed to make myself repeat once again, but now a lump had formed in my throat. My lips were quivering.
"Hyunjin," he said again, "what did you say about Su-jin?"
I gathered all the courage I could once again and finally uttered, "I said... Su-jin is not my son..."
With each passing second Jisung's face began reflecting a complicated expression. The information I told him was finally hitting him. "How...I mean...why- wait that- how come?"
"It's a-"
In the distance of the Han River, I could hear people laughing and children running with their dogs. They were messing around and having a blast.
It was getting time for people to stroll in this popular place.
Jisung also looked around and tilted his head. I noticed that the interruption upset him a little bit.
Just by that, I knew this was not the right place to talk because I wouldn't know what his reaction could be.
Not the right place to release a bomb of such magnitude, right?
I ran a hand through my hair and then brought that same hand to my face.
I was dying inside. I knew this would not end well, but there was no way back.
I know Jinsu would have liked me to tell Jisung about this as soon as possible so he could watch his baby grow up.
I won't fail my precious cousin, and I won't hide this true to the person I've fallen in love with. I love both of them so much. They both are the most precious people I've known in this world and they deserve the truth.
"Hyunjin?" Jisung called out my name after he saw me struggling. His voice was pointing in my direction, meaning he stopped looking around to focus on me.
I removed my hand from my face and smiled faintly. I said after that, "Jisung, this is not an easy topic. It is very delicate... I need to tell you this in another place..."
"Why do you need to tell me...?" He questioned, with a strange tone of voice. He didn't sound mad but also not happy. "If- Well...if you want to tell me, then I'll listen... But, I don't think you really want to talk about that...maybe-"
I shook my head, "It's not that I don't want to talk about it, It's more that I'm scared of doing it..." I approached him, ruffled Su-jin's hair, and pinched those cute cheeks, earning a giggle from him. "Sooner or later you will find out, but I want you to find out because of me." This time I looked into his eyes, "Do you mind if we go to my place and talk there?"
"I don't mind..." Jisung answered right away. His response was automatic. Maybe he didn't even process what I was saying.
Jisung looked troubled. I knew he had a lot of questions, but thankfully, he didn't pressure me to tell him everything right there.
"Okay...then, let's go."
With that said, I told him to get inside my car and then drove us to my place.
~~~
Up to my house, I did not utter a single word. I was silent.
I avoided looking in his direction. I was so scared to even meet Jisung's eyes.
But I eventually gave up, and when I did, I noticed something.
His eyes were set on someone and never took his eyes away from him.
He was observing Su-jin with a soft expression. Maybe feeling concerned by the truth he just found out.
I knew he was wondering why I was telling him that Su-jin was not my son at that moment, but he might as well have been wondering who the father or mother was or perhaps the story of this cute baby.
My hands began sweating. I was getting nervous the more we approached my place.
Once we arrived, I opened his door so he could get out of the car with Su-jin in arms.
Su-jin was giggling and kicking his cute feet. He was so happy to return home because from afar Kkami's bark was heard.
"Ji-dada~~ Ami~" Su-jin started babbling.
Jisung chuckled at this and started pampering my baby with kisses and sweet words, "Yes, that's Kkami... You are so smart, huh?~"
I guided them to the entrance and opened the front door as well for them to enter.
Kkami came running and immediately his barks and wiggles-tail showed how happy he was to finally see Jisung after all those weeks.
"Hello, baby~" Jisung greeted as he crouched to pat Kkami's head. "Did you miss me?~"
Kkami seemed to understand the question and rapidly jumped to be held by Jisung.
I smiled fondly at this at the door. It was very sweet to witness the sight, but deep down, I knew that later this scene would become just a memory.
I took off my shoes and put on some slippers. I offered a pair to Jisung and then helped him hold Su-jin for a while so he could get comfortable and then I handed the baby back to him.
Once he was done, I went to the kitchen and brought two bottles of water. I placed them on the coffee table and waited for him to come to the living room.
"Hyunjin...I've been trying to act cool but, to be honest, you are scaring me at this point..." He said as he sat down next to me.
Jisung placed Su-jin on his lap as this one kept looking for Kkami, who was trying to climb the couch for attention.
"I know...and to be honest, I'm very scared too..."
My eyes were on Su-jin as I said this. My expression went soft and tender.
I felt how little by little my eyes began to feel warm. They were filling with water. I looked away to the side. I didn't want Su-jin to see me in this state and worry him.
As soon as Jisung saw this, he turned around and scanned my place, seemingly looking for something.
Once he spotted something that caught his attention, he went towards it and brought it to us.
It was the baby home fence I have for Su-jin. It was situated near the counter of the kitchen.
He installed it not so many metres away from us, near the coffee table, and turned the TV on to muffle our voices.
Jisung changed the channel to the cartoons Su-jin likes and also took Kkami and a few games and put them inside together with Su-jin.
Kkami stole the whole attention of the baby, so Su-jin forgot about us and the cartoons and began playing with him.
Jisung had sensed the seriousness of the matter and that I wouldn't be talking in front of Su-jin so that's why he did that. I felt very thankful.
"Okay..." He clapped his hands as he came back to the couch and sat next to me, "Su-jin-ah it's over there. We can keep an eye on him from here... Now, you can tell me...why did you say you are not his father?"
I bit my lower lip, harbouring how to start this, and then I scooted close to Jisung and took his hands in mine.
"Jisung..."
He held my hands back and looked at me with the same soft expression but also with furrowed eyebrows.
"Yes? Are you okay, Hyunjin?"
A couple of tears fell from my eyes. I was just one second away from this sweet guy to start freaking out, and that made me feel terrified.
Jisung released one of his hands and brought it to my face, wiping my tears.
"...What's wrong? Why are you crying? It's okay if you don't want to talk about this anymore, you know?"
I shook my head as I took his hand to hold it once again.
His expression was still soft. He seemed really worried about me.
No words came from him anymore when he noticed I was serious about speaking about this topic.
After a long pause, I carried out what I wanted to say.
"Jisung..."
"Mhhh..." he hummed.
"Do you remember when you first saw Su-jin, and you immediately assumed he was my son?"
"Ummm...yeah?" He hesitated to give his reply. My question was too specifically odd.
"Well...I- I'm sorry you thought he was my son...I really didn't want to lie to you back then...but I had to...I had a reason for it, though..."
"I suppose you had your reasons..." He said in a low tone. Half comprehensible and half worried. There was something in his eyes that I couldn't figure out.
Was it sadness or disappointment? I don't know, but it made my heart break.
"Jisung..." I released his hands to cup his face, so I could see those beautiful eyes.
"Yes," he blinked twice. The sadness in those eyes was so evident. I can see how much he has cried for Jinsu and that baby girl he thinks he lost.
I said with a firm tone. "Before I tell you the truth, I want to say that I swear I am not a bad person... I didn't mean to lie to you, and I didn't mean to hurt you..."
His eyes got slightly bigger. He froze for a moment before saying, "I don't think you are a bad person, Hyunjin... Why do you think this hurts me-"
I interrupted him, "I haven't finished so don't tell me yet what you think about me. Just listen, okay?"
By now, he was so confused that he forgot to nod or give me a sign for me to continue, so I continued either way.
"I need you to understand that I've learned this until recently...and I want you to know that I am not like that family even if we share the same last name..."
"Same last name? What last- Wait..." He snapped out of his trance, "is this somehow related to why you disappeared all the previous weeks?"
I nodded eagerly.
"Hyunjin...what happened? What happened in those weeks?"
His face seemed to come clear now. He was connecting a few points. Now something was making some sound in his head and I could notice it in his expressions.
"What I'm going to tell you next is going to blow your mind just like it did with me...but please...please...please...do not yell or cry in front of Su-jin...please, promise me..."
I bit the inside of my cheeks. I felt how my eyes were getting wet once again.
I felt scared as hell, but I needed to push myself to speak.
Once he gave a nod as an answer to that strange request, I spoke.
"I told you Su-jin it's not my son, right?"
He nodded slightly.
"Well, that's true...in reality, Su-jin is my cousin..."
"Your cousin?" He knitted his eyebrows. "How come?"
I retrieved my hands from his face and doved the left one in my pants pocket and the other one I took to the back of my head, "yeah- well, more than a cousin...I think I would be like his uncle...or in this case his first dad..."
"Huh...? Uncle? First dad? I don't get it..."
"Yeah...I mean, I raised him...I have had him since he was born...I could be considered his dad..."
"Oh, well...that's technically true. I mean-"
Jisung cut himself and facepalmed. He sighed afterward, "Hyunjin, what are you talking about?... Why are you telling me all of this? I think it doesn't make any sense..."
"It does. I mean, it's because you need to know more..."
"To know more, what?"
"I--- I'm not married to anyone, Jisung. I don't have a wife...I haven't even been in a relationship for years...and I don't have a baby like I made you think... I am not Su-jin's dad..."
Jisung turned to Su-jin, showing a concerned expression.
"And then...what's the story of this baby? Why are you raising him? Why you?"
My gaze remained on his persona while his eyes were set on Su-jin.
I felt my expression softening as each of the words left my lips, "Su-jin was given to me when he was a couple of days old..."
"He was given to you? How? And most importantly why?"
"Su-jin was given to me because his mom didn't want him. His dad loved him, but he was afraid of keeping him close. He thought the mother could harm him..."
"Harm the baby?" Jisung immediately turned to me. "That's terrible... Why would the mother want to harm his blood??"
"Only sick people," I said through gritted teeth, slightly averting my eyes. It was hard to continue. "The person who gave me the baby said that I was the only person who could protect Su-jin... At first I was scared and also confused. It was difficult, but in the end I agreed to raise him..."
"Who gave you such a task, Hyunjin? And why did you accept?"
I cracked my knuckles out of nervousness. The lump formed in my throat was not allowing me to continue speaking steadily. I really wanted to release a loud cry for all the information that was left. I couldn't make myself tell the whole truth without wanting to burst into a crying mess.
"My uncle....and why did I accept? Well...I did it for love..."
"Love...?"
"Yeah, love... You see...I fell in love with Su-ji the first moment I held him in my arms... He was so cute, so small and adorable, and yet fragile... He needed someone by his side...someone that really loved him...and that was me." I paused for a moment as a faint smile formed on my lips, "But...later...I figured out that it was me who needed him the most... He stole my heart... I felt a strange connection with him when he opened his eyes and stared at me... It was love at first sight...you know? That pure love of a father when sees his baby for the first time..."
Jisung's eyes watered and looked down. He knew that feeling more than anyone.
"I do understand..." he whispered to himself.
"In the beginning, I was really mad at his parents for giving him away...but as the days went by, I got more and more comfortable with Su-jin... He became my everything in less than a week and ever since then, I've been so happy to have him... My uncle said I should never tell anyone who this baby belonged to...so, I never did...or at least no one asked and they just assumed. It was easy for me until I met you again... I really liked you Jisung...and I didn't want to lie to you...but I had to because that was the instruction, and I did not want to put Su-jin in danger..."
"And why are you telling me this now? Aren't you putting him in danger now?"
"Probably...but maybe this is the best... It is the best."
"Why?"
"Just a few weeks ago I got to know the real story of this baby... The baby I've been raising since his first days of life..."
"What real story?" He asked dumbfounded.
"This baby it's not the son of my aunt and uncle like I thought..."
"Then? Who does this baby belong to?"
"It belongs to their daughter..."
"Huh?" Jisung arched his eyebrows, "their daughter?"
I nodded, "their daughter...my cousin..."
"And why did they do that? Why did they give you her son? Where is she?"
I looked at Jisung with pain. The more I explained, the more I knew he would be breaking down.
However, I knew that arriving at this point there was no way I could back away.
"Supposedly, she ran away to another country with her boyfriend... Well, that's the story my aunt told to all the family... I never believed that, but I also didn't know what was going on with my cousin since at that time I hadn't seen her so often.. I tried to look for her, but it was as if the earth had swallowed her. I just couldn't find her..."
This time I couldn't help but release my tears. They fell from my eyes like waterfalls. I had so much pain inside.
Knowing that I won't be able to see Jinsu anymore makes me feel so empty.
"Well, until recently..." I wiped my face with my forearm to continue, "Three weeks ago, I got to know that she passed away...and before passing away, she gave birth to a boy... The baby boy was hidden from the father and was given to me...I didn't know anything about this... If I had known...this would have been different..."
A silence surrounded the room.
Jisung looked at me, studying me for a moment. His face got pale and the irises of his eyes shrunk.
He bit his lower lip and sighed strongly before asking, "Hyunjin..."
"Yes?"
"What's your cousin's name?"
I gulped really hard. Here comes the bomb.
My fists tightened, "Her name is Jinsu..."
Jisung stood up from the couch. He held his head with both hands and stumbled back.
He sighed deeply and remained calm, stealing glances at where Su-jin and Kkami were.
"You mean...Hwang Jinsu?"
"Yeah...Hwang Jinsu..."
"So...that means...wait...you-" He pointed at me, "Hyunjin...Choi- Wait- Hwang Hyunjin...right?"
I nodded.
"Y-you- you are that same guy she always mentioned? Her cousin...her favourite cousin?"
"That's me..." I stood up from the couch. My legs were trembling, "I-I am Hwang Hyunjin...Jinsu's favourite cousin..."
He scoffed dryly, "Why didn't you tell me before that you were a 'Hwang'? Why did your mother say you were 'Choi Hyunjin'?"
"That's-"
"What the fuck, Hyunjin?"
"I-I-I'm sorry...my mom-"
"Wait..." he brought one hand to his face and ran that same hand through his hair in anger, "That's another topic. Let's focus here...you mean...you mean...Su-jin...it's my son? It has Jinsu and I's blood? It's the same Jinsu the one we are talking about?"
"Yes...he is your son. He is her son... You are Su-jin's father..."
"You must be kidding me..." Jisung looked at me with very displeased eyes, "What game is this?! Why are you playing with me? Is it because I told you Su-jin resembles my wife? Why are you doing this to me Hyunjin? What did I even do to you?"
I separated from the couch and went in his direction. I pulled him into my embrace and hugged him tightly.
He didn't hug me back but he also didn't push me away.
"Why the fuck are you doing this to me, Hyunjin? I thought you were my friend... Why are you telling me all these lies?"
"I am not lying, Jisung..." I said as I hugged him more, "I'm telling you the truth..."
"No, you are not. You are messing with me... I-I had a baby girl... Jinsu gave birth to a girl and I saw her...and I also saw her die... I had her ashes in my hands... How can I not know?"
With a long sigh, Jisung burst into tears in my chest.
He wanted to separate from my body, but I held him once again and secured him in my arms.
"I'm really sorry, Jisung... I promise you I am telling you the truth...the one you saw in that hospital was not your daughter... She was someone else's daughter. Jinsu, my cousin, gave birth to a beautiful and healthy boy...but they were swapped by mistake..."
"That can't be true... Please, Hyunjin...please stop this..." Jisung begged me through sobs. "Please, tell me you are joking...because if that's true...then...then that would mean that Jinsu and my brother were right about the baby boy...and that would also mean that I have missed the first days of my own son... Please, Hyunjin... Please, stop this..."
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