I...
I agreed.
I married him.
I married Eunwoo.
It was just a marriage that was registered on paper. But still, I was grateful.
My life completely changed after that. I felt accepted, and I felt hope in my future.
Both me and my baby.
He's my savior.
I didn't really know the reason he was willingly marrying me. Who had hurt him? It couldn't be that he had no emotion at all. Without that feeling, it's impossible. Maybe he just hurt. Just like me.
I couldn't fall in love anymore after that.
I couldn't trust anyone, but for him, it's an exception.
Once before, I'd told him to divorce me right after he found one, and I wouldn't ask for alimony.
But all he did was just nod.
It was really unconvincing. I didn't want him tied to me just because he pitied me.
I delivered a baby boy after four months of our marriage. I let Eunwoo choose a name for him, and he named my baby Ji Hoon. Ji Hoon gained citizenship here, and he used his family name. I was really relieved.
Even though we're married, we didn't really like the married couple. I just called it a conditioned marriage. Or was it more like a contract marriage?
No. Because all this just benefited me. I didn't know what to call it.
We were living together.
Firstly, we slept in a separate room.
But when Jihoon grew older, we slept on the same bed because we both wanted Jihoon to think that we're a normal family.
But still, we weren't like the married couple.
He respected me.
Sometimes, I really felt like he didn't have any emotion. He was quiet most of the time.
He had the same expression on his face, no matter what situation he was in.
And sometimes, he made me want to learn about him. Or maybe it's better if we're really like a married couple.
But I couldn't because I was afraid that falling in love would hurt me badly, like before.
And he deserved someone who was better than me too. I was just having too much of a dark past.
Wait.. His facial expression was different when he was with Ji Hoon. He laughed and giggled when he was with Ji Hoon. Something he never did to anyone else. Not even with me. I was glad he seemed to love Ji Hoon. Their bond was just like that of a real father and son.
Real.
Sometimes I could see Ji Hoon was closer to Eunwoo than to me.
Honestly, I felt bad for what I'd done to Ji Hoon during my pregnancy days.
The way I hurt myself to hurt him. I tried my best to ignore my guilt, to ignore the fact that he was his real father, so that I could love him to my maximum.
But as I raised him, I took care of him, and I loved him. And I began to fear that if it happened to be one day that he would learn the truth, I only wanted him to know that his father was only Eunwoo. No other man.
I could say my life was quite happy. But it's not too long until...
Until.
"Mom, the teachers say I look like Kim Taehyung," said Jihoon.
"What?" My eyes flickered when my six-year-old son said that.
"BTS Kim Taehyung, mom."
I didn't hear wrong. But it's true that he grew older, looking more like Taehyung than me. But I didn't like it! I didn't want to hear his name.
I put my hands on his shoulders, and I tried to maintain a smile. I needed to speak nicely to a kid, even though I was angry right now. "What are you saying, dear? You look more like your dad."
Then I touched his nose and said, "See, your nose," then I looked at his eyes and said, "Your eyes. You just look like your dad.".
"I know, mom. I am my dad's son. That's why. It's just what the teachers told me. I saw Taehyung Hyung's photo. Teacher Yoon showed me. I kind of looked like him!" He said this and giggled cutely.
My face muscles went stiff. Why was that fucker still popular after five years?
BTS wasn't active anymore. But his popularity soared after he became more active as an actor and in his solo activities. Goshh, that's just so sick.
I looked at Jihoon again. I saw him looking so proud. Was he really proud that he looked like that psychopath?
"Oh, mom. It's Taehyung Hyung!" His eyes popped out in excitement, and he pointed his index finger at the TV. He ran to stand in front of the TV and started dancing.
I looked at the TV. It was Taehyung performing his solo song on a weekly music show.
Not enough with the volume, Ji Hoon took the TV remote and increased the volume, and then he continued dancing with a big grin.
My face twitched. I felt uneasy. I didn't like this.
I didn't like this! I hated this!
Later, I heard the door open, revealing Eunwoo's face. He just came back from the farm. "I'm home," he said.
He saw Jihoon dancing in front of the TV, which caused him to put on a big smile. The cuteness when he shook his hips-he couldn't really ignore it.
"Our Jihoon is really good at dancing." Eunwoo said.
Jihoon turned to Eunwoo and went to hug him. "Dad!"
"Oh, dad is smelly right now, my son," said Eunwoo, breaking the hug.
Then Jihoon quickly went back to dance to Taehyung's song while giggling.
Eunwoo cheered him on.
But I couldn't take this anymore. His face, his voice, just... gosh! My heart was burned with anger. I went to snatch the TV remote from Jihoon's hand and turn it off.
Instantly, Jihoon was so shocked. He turned to me. "Mom, why?"
I crossed my arms and just stared at him. It was just that I hated that fucking guy you saw on this TV.
FUCKING HATE! But I couldn't say that to a kid.
Eunwoo saw Jihoon looking like he was about to cry, and he went to me.
"Y/n, why do you do this?" He seemed to be in shock at my action as well.
"Jihoon just came back from school. He's supposed to take a shower first. I already checked his bag too. He has many homework assignments. He should do it, and only after that can he watch TV"
Jihoon came and held Eunwoo's shirt in his hand. "Can I just watch until Taehyung's performance is over?"
I rolled my eyes. Did he call Taehyung a hyung? He's even older than Eunwoo.
Eunwoo took my hand and then pulled the TV remote off my hand.
I looked at him with uneasy eyes. He understood it. "Just for a minute, y/n."
Then he turned on the TV again. Jihoon cheered again. I frowned. I really fucking hated this.
But in a second, Taehyung's performance was over. Jihoon turned at me with disappointment on his face.
It was like he was blaming me, saying that because of me, he missed the full performance. I turned and went into my room, ignoring him.
I sat on the bed with a tight chest. Did I just fight with my son over this? With a kid?
Eunwoo must be thinking I was crazy.
I was in the kitchen, about to bring the soup from the stove to the table.
Eunwoo and Jihoon were already waiting for their dinner at the table. I heard them talking and giggling.
I put on the glove and lifted the pot, then quickly brought it to the table.
Right after I was at the dining table, Jihoon stopped giggling, and his facial expression changed instantly when he saw me. He was still angry at me, I guess.
I took a seat in front of Eunwoo. Eunwoo looked at me and said, "Y/N, our son said his teachers told him that he looks like Kim Taehyung. It's true," said Eunwoo and giggled.
Again? This again. But I tried so much to control my anger. I didn't want to appear like a crazy woman in front of Eunwoo again. "Really? I don't think so."
"Ah, I think he is, Y/N. Back then, I used to be a BTS fan too. I had seen Taehyung's childhood photo. I think they both look quite similar," said Eunwoo again.
My chest burned again. But be patient, y/n. I calmed myself down. I took the meat and placed it in Eunwoo's bowl.
"Eat Eunwoo-ah". I didn't want to continue talking about this.
Then I took the meat to Jihoon's bowl too. "Eat, dear"
After finishing with dishes, I went to my bedroom. I was alone as Eunwoo was putting Jihoon to sleep now.
After that, Eunwoo entered the room, and he looked at me as if he had something to say to me.
"Y/N," he called me.
"What?"
He went to sit beside me, and I straightened my sitting position.
He looked at me. "I think you shouldn't be strict so much, Jihoon. He was clearly looking so upset with you."
I frowned. I wasn't meant to be strict. Why did he make me feel so bad?
"You should like..." Eunwoo paused, as he didn't know how to say this to her. He arranged words in his throat.
"Like what, Eunwoo?"
Eunwoo sighed out as I sounded mad. "Y/n, you should understand and allow Jihoon to do something that he likes too, besides just study. It's okay to let him watch TV."
"Yes, if he watches TV like other kids usually do. Like watching cartoons because that is part of learning. I'm fine. But he seems to idolize a guy just because he looks similar to him. That's nonsense"
Eunwoo frowned. It was clear that Jihoon was just dancing to a song. And it was even not wrong to idolize an idol either. "Y/n, where is it wrong to idolize an idol? Taehyung's songs are good and always have a positive meaning and vibe. That's good. It's appropriate for a kid at his age."
"Like rainy days, I'm thinkin' 'bout you, what to say? What does that even help him to learn??"
"And it's not bad. It's normal that kids nowadays grow up idolizing an idol. It's always been normal since then, too. I don't understand why you're acting like this," said Eunwoo.
"Whatever," I said.
Eunwoo didn't say anything further. Because he already said what he wanted to say. He was sure that you would think about what he'd said.
Then he remembered something.
"Oh, y/n. Next week is Jihoon's birthday," said Eunwoo.
"Oh, right. I almost forgot it."
________
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to our Jihoon. Happy birthday to you."
Me and Eunwoo were singing while clapping to the rhythm. I was smiling happily when I saw Jihoon, who seemed to be very excited. Even though we fought, of course I still loved him. My so, I loved him so much.
"Make a wish, my son," I said excitedly, clasping my hands together. I saw him doing the same, and then I closed my eyes with him.
"Done!" said Jihoon.
"Oh, now blow the candles, Jihoon-ah," said Eunwoo.
Jihoon got up slightly to blow off the light on the candles.
Then we clapped hands with him. After that, I quickly went to Jihoon and helped him cut the cakes.
After eating, I remembered something. "It's time for a present!" said I excitedly.
"Yeay!" Jihoon cheered.
I quickly went into my room and got out with a wrapped box that I hid behind my back. "Guess what I have for you, son," I said, purposely wanting him to feel anticipated.
"Umm, car?"
Eunwoo just watched us with a smile.
I put the wrapped box in front of him. "Open it," I told him.
He unwrapped the box vigorously. Impatience could obviously be seen through his eyes.
He gasped. "Robot????!"
"Yeah, a tall robot!"
"Thank you, mom," he said, joyfully checking out the robot.
Then I looked at Eunwoo. He noticed my stare at him, and he understood the signal.
"Okay, dad's turn. Let's see what I have for our Jihoon," he said, taking something out of his pocket.
I frowned. "Oh, envelope?"
Eunwoo just giggled at my reaction.
Then I looked at Jihoon and joked, "Mom's is bigger."
Eunwoo giggled again, and then he handed the envelope to Jihoon.
Jihoon was so confused. He always thought the present would be in a wrapped box or at least in a paper bag. But this envelope?
"Open it, Jihoon-ah."
Jihoon took it out, and he gasped. He looked at Eunwoo with widened eyes. I was confused about what it was. It seemed like tickets were in his hand.
Jihoon went to hug Eunwoo. "Dad, thank you! Thank you, dad! My wish comes true this fast."
I was still confused. "What is it?" I asked Eunwoo.
Jihoon broke the hug and looked at the tickets again. He had completely forgotten about the robot. I was so damn curious-what was to make me so excited about the ticket?
I narrowed my eyes and tried to look at the ticket again in his hand. I frowned when finally I could see Taehyung's face on the ticket.
"It's a Taehyung fan meeting. I will bring him to Seoul next week," said Eunwoo.
My facial expressions completely changed.
"Or you can go with him. I only bought two tickets," Eunwoo said.
My heart beat violently. Anger. I was so angry. What the fuck was happening? Was this even real? I'd been fucking so hard trying to run from him.
Why would I go to him? It's like I was willing myself to be locked in his hell. It had been five years, but I couldn't ever forget about it. It was alive in my memory.
And my son? No, no, my son shouldn't meet him!
"Eunwoo!" I yelled his name, and he was startled, and his smile instantly flattened.
Jihoon was also shocked by my sudden yell.
"Why do you buy this??" I asked him angrily.
"What's wrong? Jihoon likes it."
"But I don't like it. You shouldn't follow what the kid wants so much. Being too indulgent will worsen the kid's attitude! And it's expensive too, right?"
"Y/n, it's fine. Jihoon didn't as-"
"Just return it. They can refund. If not, just put it online. Other people will buy this," I said in one breath, as I really didn't want to see such tickets in my hand's son now.
Eunwoo came at me and tried calming me down by patting my back. "Y/N calm down. Let's talk. It's just this time. I can afford-"
"No!" I yelled and pushed his arm away from me.
"Y/n"
"Your tangerine doesn't bear so much, and your house's rent needs maintenance. Aren't we so tight on money?? What's wrong with you?! Why don't you think first before acting?" I bombarded him with a lot of spiteful questions.
Then I quickly went into the room and slammed the door shut.
I saw him about to explain, but I didn't want to hear it. Whether he had money or not, it was never fine!
My body trembled, I gasped for air, and finally I shed tears. I was worried. Very worried. My breath shook. How could I not worry?? It's him. It's him. Anything with him just scared me.
***