**This chapter contains talk of suicide and mature subject matter.**
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I hate u, I love u - gnash ft Olivia O'Brien
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The elevator doors opened as Jimin slowly walked out, leaving me following in a stunned silence behind him.
"What did you just say?" I said, now frozen in my spot.
"We can't talk about this here." He said under his breath with his back to me, looking around and finding the older security guard half asleep with his feet propped on top of his desk. He gave us both a nod as we fake smiled and headed out the front entrance. The evening air hit me, waking my senses up and bringing me back to somewhat of a clarity. I wrapped my arms around myself and rubbed them, goosebumps covered my body as I shivered.
"Are you cold? You can go back inside, we can talk some other time."
"We will not be talking some other time Jimin, and i'm fine." I said coldly, following him to wherever he was leading us.
I heard his car alarm beep as the lights lit up on a new navy blue sports car. "There's no way i'm going anywhere with you." I said, slowing my steps.
"I know that, but i'm not talking out in the open with eyes and ears everywhere."
He opened the passenger's door for me and walked around the car to his side, not looking at me and getting inside. I paused as my brain kept telling me to go back home, to pretend this never happened. To put the mask back on and fake it like I was in control again.
"Get in Athena." He called out from the open door.
"No." I said, still standing just before the opening, watching him fumble with putting his phone on the cradle on his dash. He sighed before looking over at me, "I promise I won't hurt you or go anywhere okay? Here." He said, dangling his car keys with an outstretched arm. "Take them, and keep them, throw them away I don't care. But if it gives you peace of mind, please take them. I'm going to sit here parked and tell you everything I know, okay? No more secrets."
I swallowed, watching the key fob dangle from his fingers. I shook my head and slowly got into the seat, taking the keys and avoiding our hands to touch. I held them in my lap tight, trying to wish my newfound nerves away. The scent of him filling the space around us, citrus and woodsy but with a touch of something else, something new. It was as if I could smell the fear radiating off of him too. Was he scared of me? Scared to be here?
The silence made me feel awkward, but I couldn't manage to speak a word. Waiting for him to tell me whatever the fuck he had to say. I fidgeted with the corner of the key, wishing I was literally anywhere else. I was about to break the silence with absolutely anything before I heard him speak for the first time.
"I know this is weird for you and has come as a shock. It seems to always be that way with all of us and you. It's been a while, and I know that I'm the last person you want to be sitting with right now, so I understand. I get it, I really do. You know that night, when I left your old place? I stayed awake for days, weeks without feeding or getting up from the floor. Losing you felt like I lost everything that ever mattered in my life. For months and months, I tried to paint, to get my mind off of you. Moving didn't help, nothing helped. There were days where I wanted to die, put an end to this miserable existence that was me. I've thought about rock bottom before Athena, I thought I had reached it years ago. But I was wrong, it wasn't until that night I last saw you."
Tears slowly fell down my face as I stared out the window, avoiding him altogether and trying to find the last bit of strength I had left inside of me to be here with him. I said nothing.
"I thought of leaving, permanently. I felt like it was the only solution I had left. Until Namjoon and someone special came and put me back together in a somewhat new fucked up version of me again. Namjoon saved my life, but someone else brought me back to it in a different way."
I kept staring out the window, pretending I wasn't listening but hearing everything.
I heard him exhale a shaky breath before continuing. "It was Lavina, it was.. your birth mom."
I broke my silence and whipped my head to meet him staring back at me with tears in his eyes. "What the fuck did you just say?"
"Your mom came to me, Athena. I was in my living room, staring at that crossed out picture of JK and I that you had shown me that fell, the one we never really looked into that much. She came to me and asked me if I had suffered enough, if I was worth retribution. I said no of course not, I said I wasn't worthy of anything and wanted her to punish me Athena, I wanted her to ruin me from the inside out. But she didn't. She asked me to take care of you instead, she asked me as my punishment to watch over you from a distance, until the day you ever needed me again. Even if you never did, I guess my true punishment would be to watch you moving on without me. I didn't care about that, I just wanted you to be okay. I couldn't say no to her so I did as she asked. I made sure after a couple months that you were safe, I saw that you were in school again and that you made new friends. I saw that you and Clara were okay, that you were living in a safe new location now. I tried to be around you at least a couple times a week when I wasnt at work, just to keep tabs on you that you were okay."
"So you did stalk me. You followed me everywhere I went and happened to weasel your way back into my life again! How did Clara even find you to let you in? Were you just in the bushes waiting for me?! My god, Jimin. You're insane. I don't believe for a second that my mom visited you, she would never!"
The car fell quiet again, as I felt the sadness radiating off of his skin, hitting me as if it was absorbing into me too. My gut wrenched at the thought of my own flesh and blood finding him to allow him to keep me around, as if he felt he still deserved me in some way, it made me physically sick.
"I know it looks that way, but it's not how it was at all. I never stalked you, I just kept tabs on you to make sure you were safe. I need you to understand that."
"Keeping tabs on me, as if you ever had the right to. And i'm fine, just fine living my life on my own."
"I know you are, I always knew you could make it without anyone else holding you back."
"I have so many questions Jimin."
"I know, and I'll do my best to answer every single one. But you need to know that I think Jin isn't the man you think he is, and that he might be using you."
"How can you even say that? Do you have any proof of this? Did you jot down in a little notepad on one of your stalking trips? Because I can tell you one thing, you won't like what you'll find, it's not something that would make you feel all warm in fuzzy inside when he touches me."
I watched as he stiffened in his seat and swallowed slowly. "It's not my right to tell you how I feel about it, I am just warning you because he isn't the type to keep you safe and loved Athena. If he is in fact JK's brother, then its not just you that is in danger, it's all of us."
"What makes you think he's his brother? What evidence do you have? He has a younger brother he lives with and a sister who isn't even in the country. He told me he has an older brother who he doesn't speak to and has no idea where he even is. So how on earth would you be able to find anything that ties him to JK?"
I watched as he laid his back against his seat, staring ahead and biting the inside of his cheek. "I found out through a mutual friend that used to date him. Said that she thinks there's a possible connection between the two guys. She said her sister Lena goes to the same school you both go to, said that she had dated Jin a few years ago. They all have hung out in the same crowd together for years, but she said that there was a problem when she started dating JK after Jin. There was always a fight and some sort of drama going on between them."
"Wait a minute, Lena? like as in my friend Lena? Shes been dating Jin's younger brother Caden I think for awhile, i've never met her sister before I don't think. She has acted strange whenever he was around us in class and stuff, he told me that he used to date her sister and he thought maybe that was why she didn't like him. What was her sister's name? This friend of yours?"
He fell quiet again, his leg starting to shake in his seat telling me he was nervous now. "You already met her, and i'd use that friend term lightly. Acquaintance is more like it for me, but it's Vicky."
Why did that name sound so familiar? I couldn't remember for the life of me who the hell she was. "I don't remember ever meeting a Vicky Jimin."
"It was when we all ran into each other at La Lune that time, when we were on the outs.. and I showed up with her. You guys kind of got into it."
Suddenly the memories all came back to me. I remember that night, freshly after I finished transitioning and was incredibly irritable sad and starving. I remember seeing her flaunt her perfect body and face around our crowd as if she owned the place. I remember JK saying they dated, but I also remember the knife to my side when I saw Jimin come in and touch her back, as his date for that night.
"I completely forgot about that." I swallowed, feeling my stomach turn. "I remember now yeah."
"I'm sorry for that by the way, I just was lashing out after everything."
"I don't care." I said coldly, "How would you know to ask her about all of this? What made you suddenly start investigating who i'm sleeping with all of a sudden?"
"I noticed that you were hanging around him and Lena when I saw you at your school, at first I obviously hated seeing you with someone else, it killed me. But then one day, I saw Lena coming out after her class and got in the car with Vicky and knew I had to ask her if she knew about the guy, because I swear I saw him mingled with all of us at some point in time. Whether it was at some event, or party. It clearly wasn't a big impact to me, since I had to try and search for a time I met him or saw him, but as soon as I saw Vicky pick Lena up, I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask."
"You just assumed Vicky would know because?"
"Because she knows everyone Athena, she's that type of girl."
"Well I guess theres only one way to find out the truth isn't there? I'll ask him myself about it."
He met my stare, fury raging through his eyes instantly. "No, you will not do that. Leave it up to me please I beg you."
"You don't get a say in what I do anymore. Thank you for telling me this, but I will find the rest out on my own." I started to open the door when he leaned over and pulled it back closed. His arm brushing against mine as a white flash of light hit my mind, causing me to gasp.
"Oh fuck, i'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"Why do I keep getting flash-" I paused, "Oh my god."
"What? What's wrong? Did I do something?"
"I have to go." I said, as I handed him back his keys and opening the door again to leave.
"Athena! Wait!" Jimin called out, as he got out and quickly followed me back to my place. "Please just go! I will figure this out on my own, just go home Jimin."
"No! Stop!" He cried out as he grabbed my elbow pulling me back towards him. I gasped, looking down at his hand wrapped around me as he let go instantly, backing away a step. "Please Athena, please. Talk to me, tell me what you saw."
"I don't owe you shit! I don't know what sick twisted games you all are playing with me but i'm done now okay? You all win! I'm DONE."
He stared back at me as I held my gaze to his, his lip slowly trembling as he tried so hard to keep himself together. The mask he used to wear was no longer present, something else that had changed about him. "I'm not playing a game with you. I never was. I just want you safe is all, I just want to make sure you're okay."
"You lost that privilege a year ago! You don't get to keep tabs on me for the rest of my fucking life Jimin! I'm a grown woman! I can live my life without you in it!"
"Can you?" He said, backing away another step. "Can you really? Because I can't. I can't live my life without you in it, but I am trying to. And the only way I know how to fix any form of this is to honor what your mom wishes me to do for her, and that's what I'm going to do. So please for the love of fucking god, do not approach him with this until I find out more about it okay? I will be in touch. I left my card on the counter with Clara earlier, you guys now have my personal cell. Please call me if anything happens to either of you."
"I already have your number, since you happened to text me warning me of this already."
He frowned, "I didn't text you."
"Then who did?"
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"Clara please sit down, you're making me really anxious with this shit." I said as I watched my bestfriend scrub the kitchen from top to bottom as I sat on our couch staring down at Jimins business card.
"Just 5 more minutes."
"Clara." I sighed.
She was obsessing and I knew that they must have had a conversation before I had come home. It was written all over her face.
She sighed loudly, and stood with her back facing me. The room grew quiet before I saw her shoulders sink as she started to wipe her eyes with her free hand. I hated seeing her like this. I shook my head and got up from my seat and walked slowly over to her. "Hey, hey! babe! when are you going to tell me what happened?" I said calmly, rubbing my hand down her back up and down as she turned and fell into my chest sobbing.
I held her until her cries stopped, as she wrapped her arms around my waist tight. "I'm sorry Athena, I'm so sorry. Everything happened so fast, I promise I gave him the worst time ever before bringing him up here. I promise I'd never ambush you like this!"
"Come on, I know that. I know there must have been an explanation for this. I was literally ambushed at the gallery with this bullshit. Trust me, I just want us to talk okay? I need to know what the fuck just happened tonight."
She nodded as she walked with me back to the couch, pulling the bottle of wine off the island as we walked by it. "I might need this." She said as I giggled. "When don't you?"
We both collapsed into our seats, as I noticed she was in comfy pajamas and I was looking like a washed up stripper. My makeup running and my dress still on and halfway up my legs.
"Start from the beginning okay? I'm trying to keep myself together right now also, we need to stick together okay? Talk to me and tell me what happened."
She shakily uncorked the bottle and took a long sip from the top. Her long black hair still wet at the ends from a mixture of her shower and tears. Her face puffy and red, but still beautiful. Always beautiful.
"I left the bar with Hobi, and we split a taxi home. When I got here I was grabbing the mail and talking to Angus that old bastard security guard downstairs. Anyways, we were talking about his wife's new job and I saw a man standing just outside the lobby doors. I didn't think much of it because I was focused on Angus and his story and he paused. Turning to the window and asking if I was expecting a visitor. And when I was about to say no, I turned and really looked and saw it was Jimin."
My stomach churning, as my nerves never had come back down ever since I left him in the parking lot 20 minutes ago. I tried to remain calm as I nodded silently for her to continue.
"Yeah, I know right. So I stopped talking and walked outside to be sure I wasn't hungry and hallucinating things because you know how I get when I'm hungry. He looked at me with his hands in his pockets and says "Hey." And when I heard that word come out, it was out of nowhere so fast, but I winded my fist back and punched him square in the face."
My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open, "Wait, you did WHAT?!"
"Yeah. Sure did. I hit him, as hard as I could. But he dodged me, and I only got the side of his cheek. He gave me this look I've never seen before, maybe shock? I don't know and I didn't give a fuck. He hurt my bestfriend and I wish I would've done worse to him."
"Clara oh my god!"
"I know, it wasn't my proudest moment. So anyways knowing me after I hit him, I started crying. Like rage crying because I was so mad that he had the audacity to show up. I had a million things racing through my mind and I couldn't pick what to yell at him for first. So I walked back into the building telling him to hurry up and he did."
"He didn't lose it on you? Say anything?"
"Nope."
"So we got inside and I was straight yelling at him at this point. Telling him he was a piece of shit, telling him that he had nerve to show his face here. And he let me get it all out, the screaming and crying and then me throwing my favorite cup. It was pretty crazy."
I watched as she took another sip from the bottle and sniffle before continuing.
"He was quiet, solemn even. Didn't interrupt me or fight back. Honestly, it made me feel even worse knowing that he was taking it. So eventually I calmed down and asked why he showed up. He said that he saw you tonight at his gallery opening and he saw who you were hanging out with and got really upset. Said something along the lines of JK having a brother, that Jin could be him. Telling me that he was sent to watch over you for months now, and that he just had a really fucking bad feeling about everything. He said he knew he had to say something at least to me or you."
"Okay keep going." I said as I grabbed the bottle from her and took a sip of my own.
"We talked about the move, and how hurt you and I were that they all got up and left. That we were two newbies out in the wild and it felt like we didn't matter anymore." She said as a tear fell down her cheek again. She quickly wiped it away.
"We talked about how he wished he could go back and redo the last 7 years. How he will never forgive himself for what he's done to you and for leaving. He's really sorry Athena. And I know that sorry and anything he says or does will never take it back, he knows that. He knows he'll never have you again. But he says he owes at least this much to you and even to me, that we're protected and watched over. If you can't give him forgiveness, can you at least let him pay for his sins?"
My bestfriend met my eyes as she bit her lip, shaking immensely at her nerves. I closed my eyes and inhaled to exhale slowly, over and over until I could find the words. "Clara. You know how much I love you. You know that I'd fight to the death for you, I would do anything for you. I know you have a big heart, and I know that sometimes forgiveness seems like such a simple thing to do, but that was my mom Clara. That was my family he took away from me. Whether he meant it or not, she's gone because of him. I can never look past that, he's a monster. Inside he is a monster, they all are. We can't do this again. Please."
I felt my own tears fall again, as I held the bottle between my legs on the couch, using it to ground myself as I watched her nod. "I know. He knows that, but he said he wanted to at least try still."
"He said something else to you didn't he? I know you wouldn't be this upset if it was just about me. You'd be raging still, so something else happened. Tell me."
She sat there, still chewing on her lip and tears filled her. Her lip shook as she shook her head. Taking her own deep breaths she whispered, "Jimin told me he said he was sorry."
"What? I know babe you just said that."
"No, Jimin told me he was sorry."
Yoongi. Fuck.
"Okay I got it, I'm sorry I got it now. Was that it?" I said, reaching my hand out to rub her knee.
"He is sorry and knows I can never forgive him for what he did, how he left. And that it was his biggest regret, was leaving me behind."
She held her hands to her face and cried. Cried so hard I had to crawl behind her and straddle her in a hug. We stayed like that for a long time, consoling each other over the past. Always consoling each other. When we both eventually started to breathe again she pulled away to look over at me. "What happened out there?"
I swallowed, my throat aching. My chest feeling like a million pounds. "We sat in his car and he told me that Jin was JK's brother, or at least that was what he suspected. He found out that one of their mutual friends dated him before she dated JK. Guess who it was?" I said leaning my back against the cushions.
"Who?"
"Vicky, that girl from that night at the club that time. That Jimin brought as a date remember?"
"No fucking way."
"Yeah."
"Wait, but how did he know to talk to her about this? What suspicions are there besides the relation?"
"Vicky is Lena's sister, he said he saw them both at our school when he was on one of his stalking but not stalking just meddling missions. I guess he put two and two together somehow. I wanted to find out more, but I got too emotional and when his arm touched me by accident.. I saw something similar to what I have before."
"Holy shit. My god, how does this keep happening to us? What did you see?"
"I saw a flash of white light, the same light I saw when we were together before. I can see memories sometimes, I never told you. But only when someone's vulnerable, or I get permission. He touched my arm by accident and I got the flash, but why I'm starting to believe him Clara.. is because it was the same flash I got that time at Jins party. From Jin."
Her face dropped but then her brows furrowed. "But haven't you guys had sex? Wouldn't he be vulnerable enough then?"
"Not necessarily, I didn't see JKs memories. I only ever felt things when I gave him permission to see into mine. And I slept with him a few times."
I shuddered at the thought. I hated myself even more for that.
"If I saw a flash with Jimin and then with Jin, that can only mean one thing. And the one thing that'll prove even more so that Jimin wasn't totally wrong."
"That he's one of us?"
"Yeah."
"But wouldn't we know that by now? I can sense wolves sometimes." She said, curling the ends of her hair around her slender fingers.
"I said that too, and he said that it can be masked by magic or by something else. If that's the case Clara, and he's purposely masking his identity then I feel we may need to fight this time. JK came over the other night, he's who put the hole in our wall. He told me.. he t-told me."
"It's okay I'm here." She said, face turning red and her jaw clenching. I knew as soon as I put the words wall and him in the same sentence this would be an explosion.
"His family killed my birth parents Clara. And he knew. He knew it all along, he said that he was working with his brother to get on his dads good graces. He said that in order to do that, he was in on finding me, that his dad was waiting til I was able to be on my own. Something about a hatred with hybrids and how my parents should've never married and never had me. His dad punished my dad because my dad was in their pack. My mom was guilty by association and so was I. They've been keeping tabs on me my whole life, but JK had started right before I moved to this city."
I watched as her mouth dropped and her body stiffened. "Oh-oh my god. Oh my god!" She yelled as she got up to her feet. "I'll kill him! I'll kill them all! What in the actual fuck Athena!! I am so sorry!"
"Clara please. I know. I know okay? Why do you think I lost it."
"Wait did you hear yourself?"
"What do you mean? Which part?"
She slowly sat back down to face me, putting my hands in her lap as she looked intently at me, her face a bright crimson red. "You said JK helped his brother keep tabs on you. Meaning you were a game from the start. His brother Athena. How is it, that just yesterday you find this out, while you're already with Jin. The same guy that you somehow brought to the same gallery in which your now ex boyfriend owns. The same ex boyfriend who thinks his own brother and Jin are blood brothers. They all know the same crowd, whether they know each other well or not. This is connected. This is a fucking set up."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying to me right now."
Clara stood up again, this time more calmly. "I don't know what is fully true or not yet, and I never thought I'd say this in the history of well.. life. But I think I may be on Jimins side with this. I'm getting a bad feeling now. A really bad one."
I sat and stared at her, going over a million different scenarios in my head. "Okay so what do we do now."
"I don't think we can trust anybody except the two of us with this. Not even Hobi. I think we need to listen to Jimin Athens, even if it's only to get information and then to figure out how the fuck to handle this without a war. You matter, okay? You matter to me. Nobody is going to take you away from me okay? Say okay."
"Okay." I choked out. Giving her a hug and snuggling against her shoulder. "But I do have one more slight problem." I said in a whisper.
"Out with it bitch."
"So Viv may have given me a book."
⚜️
I didn't sleep at all last night.
Between the tossing and the turning, the dreams of wading out in the middle of the silent ocean and waking up to thoughts racing of everything that transpired I was barely alive.
I walked into the busy school building, numb all over and relying on copious amounts of coffee to pull it together. I looked around me, seeing dozens of student racing through the hallways to get to their first classes. I saw Lena shutting her locker and pushing her glasses up her nose, she turned to walk when she spotted me. Her rosy cheeks and dark curls bobbing as she walked over to me. "Hey girl! I haven't seen you in a few days, how was the gallery?"
I swallowed my nerves again as I slid that mask on front and centre. "It was beautiful, we all have to go together. They had gorgeous art that you'd love." I said with a smile that didn't reach my eyes, remembering the sculpture of Jimins that I failed to ask about. Not that I wanted to know anyways.
We linked arms and walked into the auditorium as usual, finding our spots beside Jin. My gut twisted as I tried with everything I had to keep myself straight. I didn't know anything for sure yet, but my fight or flight was ready to go.
"Babe!" He called out as he turned his head to see me, but I quickly watched as Lena crossed away from us and sat towards the middle of the row, a good 10 seats away. When I noticed I raised a brow and she turned away from me. "Hey." I said as I smiled and sat beside him. His arm slowly sliding behind my chair and over my shoulder. He placed a kiss to my forehead. I felt my breakfast turn in my stomach.
"How are you feeling?" I managed to ask as the professor walked in and started unpacking his books from his bag. "Oh I'm good now, sorry about that the other night by the way. I didn't realize that free champagne could hit me that hard." He said as he chuckled. His grip tightening ever so slightly to my arm.
I almost asked if he knew who this girl Vicky was, just out of anger but remembered to keep my wits about me in check. I pretended to want to lean into him, reading the whiteboard and taking detailed notes before the hour was up. I got to my feet and noticed Lena rush out without so much as a wave or a word. I didn't like it, and I knew I had to get answers from her tonight about this behaviour around him. "I gotta head out babe okay? I'm meeting some friends in a bit. My dads high class friends are out of town, so the boys and I are going to hang. You good with that?"
"Of course, we aren't dating remember? You don't have to ask me like that." I said, looking off to the side and pretending to be distracted.
He looked at me confused, before a smile faking its way back to his face. "Maybe we should make it official then huh? What do you say."
My mouth went dry as I pulled at the end of my sweater with my fingers. "Oh fuck, oh fuck." I thought as I smiled and before I could say what I dreaded to be a lie, I heard his name being shouted from the outside halls. "Ahh fuck! Okay baby I'll text you later." He said, rushing out and leaving me standing in an empty hall alone.
"Thank god."
I let out the breath I was holding and packed up my things. Jimins card fell out of my purse as my books had knocked it to the ground from my nerves. I went still as I stared down on the ground at it.
I bent down to grab it and squeezed it against my palm before I tossed it back into my bag. Shaking my head at myself, "No I won't. I can't." I thought.
"Athena?"
I looked up at Lena standing right beside me. Her eyes were puffy as if she had been crying. "Hey? Yeah what's wrong? I was just coming to look for you."
"We need to talk."
"I know, I have to ask you a few things. You've been acting so distant and weird. What's going on? Is it Jin?"
She bit her lip between her front teeth and nodded, visibly terrified. "Yeah."
"It's okay, you can tell me."
"Jin isn't who he says he is, he's so much worse."
⚜️