I closed the front door harder than planned, gripping the crumpled shit of envelope. I read it all over again and again, a couple more times; I have to process every piece of words that is written here.
Meet me. Not tell her. The kids. Edith.
I paced the living room, my mind racing with a whirlwind of emotions. Each word in that ominous envelope was like a fucking dagger, making my already nervous feelings worse. It was obvious that something terrible might happen. If I'm going to be frank, it's already happening, and I couldn't pretend that at this very moment, I feel like I'm going to die.
So I ripped it out.
Tore it into a million pieces, each rip of this stupid paper taking out my raging fear and desperate anger. Everything was suddenly reduced to shreds. But no matter how many times I tore it, the words were already printed into my head, an unrelenting reminder that this fuck, whoever was behind this, would do anything to destroy me.
And suddenly, instantly, I just throw everything on the chimney.
I fed the torn paper into the crackling fireplace; my hands never trembled like this before. I was so clouded with everything I didn't know what I was doing anymore until I realized I was watching the paper turning into ashes, taking the threats with it, as if what I'd done already solved everything.
"What are you standing over there?" Cate's voice suddenly echoed around the room, making me flinch in surprise. I looked at her, and she smiled at me, not knowing what terrifying thing I had just discovered. Again. "You woke me up just to stare in that fire?"
With my hands in my chest, I look over her, trying to cover up my fear in my eyes. "I-I just suddenly felt cold," I reasoned while I watched her approach in my direction. "I went outside, and it's a bit chilly."
"Yeah?" She asked and pulled me into a hug. "...Maybe we can do something to warm you up," Cate whispered playfully, her lips brushing against my ear.
I tried to laugh off my unease and slap her arm, "Blanchett..."
"What? I'm just talking about coffee," She innocently replied, "or hot chocolate, hot soup," Then, Cate continued again, yet this time, with a deeper and huskier voice, "hot sex..."
Both of us heartedly laugh together. When it subsided, I pulled away and smiled at her. A genuine smile that comes with gladness and not fright. I leaned in and pecked a kiss over her lips, "Let's just make breakfast."
The morning carried on with an air of normalcy, or at least as much normalcy as I could muster under the situation. Ignatius, Roman, and Edith soon finally woke up. Their energy wasn't that exciting like every morning they wake since these three are a bit of a morning hater. I mean, they're just like some normal kids do.
As the children finally settled in the dining table, obviously both still lazy and sleepy, Cate and I prepared them their breakfast, which made me, thankfully, busy and distracted for the moment. Well, that didn't last because while everyone was chatting and finally digging into their plates, that's where I found myself quietly lost in thoughts.
When the time to take them to school approached, a new thought occurred to me. Instead of Cate driving them to school, I felt a more sudden urge and need to take them to school myself.
"Elíse," I called her out. It almost sounds like I actually didn't plan to. Sitting on the chair with my empty plate, I looked at her with my head still away from reality.
"Hmm?" She asked, and there she pulled me out of my thoughts again. Cate looked over me, waiting, "Something in my face?"
I shake my head, "No, no. Uhm, would you mind if I take the kids to school today?" I asked, letting go of the words as fast as I could. "I just... want to drive them for their last day."
Cate's eyebrows lifted slightly, "What are you four planning again?" She asked and continued fixing Edith's bag, "If this is some of their surprise--"
I shake my head again, "No, nothing. I'm gonna drop them off and... maybe I'll stay until the bell rings."
"Again?"
I shrugged with a smile, "Just being vigilant."
Cate agreed anyway, and then she let them know I'd be driving them instead. I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt. I had yet to tell her about the thing I had received, and she had to know; I want her to know, but I want them to be protected from getting more endangered than they already are.
Before long, the kids were ready for school, and I found myself behind the wheel of the car, watching them say goodbye to their mom. The drive was quiet, or so I'm just the quiet one. Ignatius and Roman chatted about their plans for the day while Edith remained playing with her toy between them.
As we pulled up to the school, I turned to them with a soft smile. "Alright, have a great day, you three."
Ignatius rolled his eyes playfully. "You say that every day, and still, I get home with assignments."
I chuckled, ruffling his hair. "Just be good, it's your last day."
Roman grinned, reaching over to give me a quick hug. "See you later, Y/n."
Edith looked up at me with her big eyes. "Are you coming to pick us up later?"
I glanced at the school building, my heart aching with the weight of my concerns. "I'll be here," I promised before I kissed her forehead goodbye.
As they exited the car, I watched them walk into the school building until they were already gone at my sight. Now that I'm already alone in the car, I sigh heavily. A heavy breath that I had been keeping. Why am I always like this?
I turned off the engine and got out of the car. Then, like it was already a routine, I found myself walking to the near-empty table, a perfect spot to look over the gate and watch these people go in and out of the school building.
I remained seated while staring at the front gate for how long. I sigh all over again. The moment I came back, I had been taking the kids here to their school when I could. It kind of makes me feel better. I always sit here, never talk to anyone, and only get up when the bell rings. Thinking about it now, I feel like any time, some woman is going to report me for just... sitting alone for hours.
"Do you mind if I sit here with you?"
I turned around with furrow. Cate is already standing behind me, casually looking at me as if she's waiting for approval.
"Sure..." I answered in a whisper. "Wait, what are you doing here?"
Cate approached me before leaning over for a kiss, "Roman forgot his project," She said and sat across from me, "I was calling you, and you left your phone."
"You went inside?" I asked and gazed over the gate before going back to her, "How come I didn't see you?"
"Well, you must be busy in your own world," Cate answered before her face turned to me. "You, this is what you do each time?"
"No." I replied and looked down at my nails, "...I just sat now."
"I've been standing behind you. You weren't even moving the whole time."
I gave her a frowning face, "You really are a creeper."
Cate sighs, "Honey, honestly, what is bugging you?" She asked while taking my hand to her, "You've been like this since breakfast. I bet you even have no idea you haven't eaten yet."
I took my hand from her and looked away, "It's nothing," A letter came. "I just wanna watch the kids," I don't know what to do.
"By what, watching them like a hawk?" She sarcastically asked, which made me chuckle, "You've been doing this unhealthy way since you got here."
This time, my forehead scrunched over her, "Unhealthy? Do you mean for caring about your children?"
Cate's eyes softened as she reached across the table, her hand finding mine again. "I know you care deeply about them, Y/n," she said, her voice filled with understanding. "And I appreciate it more than you can imagine. But you don't have to sit here for the whole six hours and stare in that gate every week."
I looked down, pouting, "It's not exactly six hours, okay..."
"Well, it doesn't matter. They can see you, you know? The kids notice, and... they're worrying about you." She says. "Iggy told me you look like you're always in your thoughts lately... and I kinda agree on that."
I sighed, darting at Cate, realizing that my anxiety was probably affecting the kids more than I had thought. Then, I rested my head with my crossed arms on the table, hiding my face from her, "Ugh... what I had become?"
"Well, a mother."
Cate's response made me stop. It was a casual reply as if it were the most natural thing in the world. It's the first time I heard that from her.
I slowly lifted my head, meeting Cate's gaze with a mixture of surprise and uncertainty. "A mother?" I repeated as if saying the word out loud would make it more real. "H-how do you even say that?"
Cate simply points the table, "This right here."
My eyebrows knitted as I frowned, looking at her, "I feel like obsession suits me more."
Cate's laughter filled the table where we sat, and she reached across the table to gently squeeze my hand. "Whatever it is, you are for me," she said, her eyes locked onto mine. "And if you think it through, it actually suits you well."
"...Really?" I asked, still uncertain to believe her words, which she nodded in response. I thought of it and tried to see myself. Then, I rested my chin on my palm while my gaze never left hers, "I don't feel like one, though... I don't think I am. I'm not perfect for that position."
"You may not see it, but I do," Cate said confidently. "You see, you've stepped into a role you never thought you would, and you've embraced it with all your heart," She added, holding my attention to her. "And you don't have to be perfect. I'm not perfect myself. I'm still growing and learning as a parent."
I looked at her, truly looked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. There was an intensity in her eye that matched the sincerity of her words. Cate really believed it.
Cate's smile remained warm and reassuring. "... Of course, there's really part that you would feel scared, that would not go away," she admitted as she continued. "But, it doesn't mean you must go through it alone. Being a parent is one of the scariest and most rewarding things in the world. You care so much that it feels like your heart is walking around outside your body."
I gasped loudly, "Exactly! How'd you know?" I said and realized it immediately, making me shake my head, "Right, silly me." Then, the thought of me being what she said I am makes me giggle alone, "I just really can't wrap myself with that; you're not just saying it to comfort me, are you?"
Cate chuckled, her eyes locking onto mine with unwavering sincerity beams on her lips. "I truly meant that. I mean, it doesn't change anything what you are, alright?" Her thumb traced soothing circles on the back of my hand. "But, I've seen you with the kids. The love you give to them, the care you show, and the sacrifices you're willing to make — That's the only proof I need... And like you say, mother is mothering!"
I can't help but laugh at the word she just used, which Cate giggled along with me. I shake my head, grinning at her as my worries seem finally lifted, "It's not even the right term for this."
"Oh hush, you know what I meant."
I leaned back in my chair with a smile, my mind still processing the idea. Being called out as a mother, especially coming from Cate, it's not something I would expect her to see in me. Yet, It was both overwhelming and... oddly comforting to think that myself.
I sighed and finally stood up, "Let's go." I said and looked from afar again, "Your convincing power unfortunately worked."
Cate grinned, obviously satisfied with the outcome of our conversation. "Told you, I have my ways." She got up as well and walked with me toward the car.
--------------------------
Cate's suggestion to go to the mall for Christmas decorations turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Roaming the festive aisles with Cate by my side, I found myself getting lost in the holiday spirit. The twinkling lights, the ornaments, the garlands – they all had a way of diverting my attention away from the looming threat that had been hanging over my head.
As we stood in line to pay for our haul, I realized that the heaviness in my chest had lessened. The act of picking out decorations and envisioning how they would transform our home filled me with a sense of purpose that had been lacking lately.
Soon enough, it was time to head back to the school to pick up the kids. Their faces lit up when we told them about our plan to decorate the house later that day, and their enthusiasm was infectious. The drive back home was filled with chatter about which ornaments they wanted to hang and where they wanted to place the lights.
We returned home with bags filled with a colorful assortment of ornaments and decorations. The living room transformed into a bustling workshop as Cate and I set to work hanging lights and draping tinsel. The twinkling lights cast a warm and cozy glow around the room, and for a while, the worries that had been plaguing me seemed to fade into the background.
As we spent the afternoon transforming our home into a festive haven, my mind couldn't help but drift back to the decision I had made earlier. With each ornament I hung and each garland I draped, I felt more determined.
And then, as the decorating frenzy began to wind down and the children's excitement was still palpable in the air, I knew it was time to have that difficult conversation. With a deep breath, I caught Cate's eye and motioned for her to step aside with me.
"Hey," I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper. "I forgot to tell you a while ago,"
Cate looked at me with curiosity, her gaze unwavering. "What is it?"
I hesitated, my heart pounding against my chest. The weight of the lie I was about to tell felt heavy, but I knew I had to keep Cate and the kids safe. "My friend is here, my old classmate from high school," I began, feigning casualness. "She kinda wanna meet me, uhm, tonight."
Cate's expression softened, her eyes reflecting her understanding. "Oh, Alright. That sounds nice. So, you're going?"
I nodded, doing my best to appear nonchalant. "Yeah, it's a bit of a sudden plan, just--just a plain dinner."
Cate regarded me for a moment, her expression thoughtful. "Well... Just don't stay out too late, okay?"
I gave her a small smile, feeling a mix of guilt and gratitude. "Of course, I won't be long."
As the evening wore on, I prepared myself for what lay ahead. I chose an outfit that made me look a bit casual and confident at the same time, though my nerves still jangled beneath me. Doubts and fears gnawed at me, but every time I felt uncertain, I reminded myself of the importance of what I was about to do.
As the clock ticked closer to seven, I stood before the mirror, taking a deep breath. This was it. The moment had arrived, and I couldn't delay any longer.
Exiting the room, I made my way to Cate's office. I eased the door open, finding her engrossed in her work. I offered a smile and knocked lightly to get her attention, though her eyes remained fixed on her laptop.
"Hey," I greeted, moving closer to her desk, "I just wanted to let you know I'm heading out."
She turned her gaze toward me, a smile gracing her lips as she replied, "You look pretty."
I can't help but chuckle at her little compliment. I bowed my head and cheekily replied, "Thanks heaps."
It made her laugh, and I giggled along with her. I guess I could take this moment as a piece of good luck for myself, but it's hard when I know I told her a lie. I kept her from the truth again.
Cate closed her laptop and walked over to me. Then she handed me a key, "You should take the car instead. I don't want you to take a train if you get home late."
I hastily grabbed it from Cate and made a mock face, "I would bet you're still here when I return."
Her laughter accompanied her hug, and she said, "Now, you'd better go. We don't want you to be late." She pressed a kiss to my cheek, her voice soft, "Come home to me, alright? I love you."
"I love you," I replied with a nod, pulling away slightly to meet her gaze, a fond smile tugging at my lips. "Always."
With a quick smile, I turned away and headed out the door, my heart heavy with the weight of my secret. I should've brought courage, at least, yet the uncertainty of this thing never left me. I have no fucking idea whom I gonna meet; I don't know what will happen next. Was I even making the right choice? Was there even a right choice in this situation?
--------------------------
The restaurant that was written on the paper I had burned was relatively busy when I arrived; it is planned to be like this. I didn't have to question it, but I didn't expect it to be this public, to have this pack of people to see us this open.
I took a seat at a corner table, my eyes scanning the room as I waited. The nervous energy inside me was palpable, making it difficult to sit still.
And then, as if by some twist of fate, my eyes landed on a familiar figure across the room. My eyes went big when I finally saw the face, surprised that, for all places, this was where we really gonna see each other again.
I continued to look, my mind raced. If she saw me here, she'd know who I was going to meet.
Moments later, she caught sight of me, and her face lit up with surprise. She made her way over to my table, a smile on her lips. "Y/n? You're here too?"
I nodded, a mixture of nervousness and disbelief still swirling within me. "Hey. I didn't know you were telling the truth."
Her smile grew bigger at me, "Told you, I wasn't kidding. I'm in town for a few days already. My dad told me I should go."
I only nodded in response, still couldn't shake the feeling that anytime, that person might see us here. I hesitated, then finally asked, "...You have a date today?"
She giggled as if I said something funny, "Oh, maybe you can say that. How about you?" Then she gasped, even covering her mouth using her hands, "Shit, am I bothering you?"
I bit my lip, my uneasiness growing. "Uh, no, no." I said and quickly looked around, "I'm just meeting someone."
"Oh, who? You're not with Cate?" She playfully says and laughs loudly. Then, she grinned and pushed my shoulder a little, "You're not cheating on her, are you?"
Her smile remained, but there was something in her expression that caught me off guard. I don't know, but it was a mix of curiosity and anticipation, and just suddenly, a chilling thought crossed my mind. My heart races all over again. The idea in my head seemed absurd, but there was something in the air that made me uneasy.
No, I had to be wrong.
I tried to smile and chuckle a bit, "You know I would never do that," I heard myself saying, trying to reassure her. "You're watching me, remember?"
The words were meant to be light-hearted, but they seemed to hang in the air, almost too heavy for the moment. Her reaction was subtle, but I caught the slight shift in her expression—a fraction of a second that seemed to change the dynamic between us.
I let out a laugh, a forced one, but I tried my best not to make it obvious before I pushed her shoulder back, continuing, "I mean, everybody is. We're public, after all."
She hesitated, her eyes narrowing just a fraction before she composed herself. "Right, right," she said, her tone casual as she waved off the comment. "Or else I'm gonna steal her from you."
I was about to slap her, ready to make her feel my anger inside me, Yet I met her intense gaze, and her fingers clamped around my wrist to stop me.
"Y/n, you don't wanna make a mess here," She whispered so low, so different from what I know about her while wandering her eyes around, "Let's just talk, shall we?"
As her hands' grip tightened on my wrist, a wave of anger surged through me. Mixed emotions swirled within me —confusion, frustration, and a growing sense of unease. I tried to pull my hand away, but her hold was surprisingly strong. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I could see a hint of something darker beneath her, something I would never expected to see on her.
"Maggie," I blurted out through gritted teeth, my anger boiling over. The nerves that had been fluttering within me moments ago were now replaced with a burning intensity. "How could you do this to me?"
-------------------------
Author's note: 4 chapters left.