The Fan Gay (Cate Blanchett)

Chapter 35

The whole ride to our hotel, Cate was patient enough to let me stay silent and let my thoughts consume me. For a while, she was quiet too, no questions asked, no jokes we were told to distract me. Yet even that, she held me the whole time, never releasing her hands like it was glued to mine.

We go out in that very car like she wasn't a celebrity, like she will get ignored by everyone. When we made it into our hotel, Cate held my hands without caring about the people that would see us. If this isn't a different day for me, I may be frantic already, anxious about how those people look at us.

Specially to the one who's stalking me.

But, I had too much to think about than caring about them. And if I'm going to be honest, it is what I need too. Cate, holding me, is what assures me that I'm going to be okay.

Finally, in our room, she doesn't hold me anymore. I even thought this was it. This is a start...Yet, she only put her coat on the side and told me I should wait in our b edroom and that she would prepare something for us to eat before we could talk properly.

She understands me. What am I even waiting?

I only nodded at her and quietly went to our room, tossing my bag on the chair and letting myself fall on the bed. I closed my eyes and sighed.

You're a fucking liar.

I hear myself say that line again, reminding me of what I just did back there. But it wasn't just that. It also reminds me that my mother wasn't the only liar in that house.

I am also the liar.

The fucking liar.

And it stings me the most because of how true it is, how I can't deny the truthfulness of that line.

I sighed again. I feel it right here, that feeling when you're overwhelmed in whatever you're dealing with. And this, for me, is heavy. My guiltiness is undoubtedly heavy.

This, I'm confident that I deserve. I deserve to feel any of it.

"Are you asleep?"

My eyes instantly opened. I blinked. Cate's face is now in front of me. How did I not feel her presence?

She only smiled as she saw the confusion on my face. Then she offered her hand, "Up. We're gonna eat."

I smiled back, but only a little, "can you give me a minute?" I said before closing my eyes with a sigh. Then I saw her face again, "this... bed said she missed me."

My attempted joke made her chuckle lightly. Then, Cate nodded, "Alright, take your time with her."

I took another sigh as she left the room. How can she be this kind to me? To have this patience with me? I can't even accept what I did. I think I will never.

I waited for a moment to pass before I finally got up. I walked quietly to exit the room until I got to our little kitchen, where I caught Cate pouring some wine into a glass that was beautifully prepared on a table.

"What is this for?" I asked as I stood between the doorway. That table is initially placed in the living room, yet now it's here. Then, a red--no, a maroon table cloth was placed on the top, two empty plates, and half-small candlelight in the center.

Oh, God. "Did you do all of this... just today?"

Cate laughed at my question, shaking her head as she poured on another glass, "Are you going to believe me if I did?"

"No," I replied almost immediately, "but... when did--why are we having this?"

Cate slowly put down the bottle, "Well," She trails off, looking at me with her faint smile, "Is it enough to say that I missed you?"