Chan's hair was messy as he looked forward with tired eyes, dark circles reflecting the exhaustion he currently has in his body. His t-shirt crinkled against his chest as he leaned forward, the symbol of the college's swim team getting lost in the folds. He hummed slightly under his breath, and I found the sound soothing as I burrowed further in my blanket from my place on the couch. I hadn't been able to sleep again last night. I'm sure the bags under my eyes were twice as bad as his, though it's not like he realized.
After all, he wasn't with me.
Chan stared into the camera as he smiled, trying to hide his tiredness as he answered a question from the chat. He really should be sleeping, not staying on a live for hours in an effort not to disappoint people. I reached for my phone, itching to text him to go to sleep before I paused. We still haven't really communicated since....
I snuggled into the fabric of the blanket around me. Chan was an adult. He could obviously make his own decisions. Who am I to interfere?
But still, I wish he was here with me.
If only I could break the wall of glass that now stood between us, reaching forward to grab his hand and pull him with me. It was so fragile and easy to break, but the more I stared at the screen of my laptop, the more scared I was of the cuts I'd get from the one, seemingly easy, action.
His voice was like a lullaby as he began to sing under his breath a song in English, to fill the silence I guess. He and Felix had another swim meet today. Though the event location was closer than the last one, I didn't make it. Minho decided to open the cafe again, asking me to help him out. Funny thing was, as soon as I got there Minho sent me home. It was only then that I realized he specifically got me out of attending so I could rest.
A cough racked my chest, causing me to squeeze my eyes tight. I opened them back and slowly caught the petals as they floated through the air. Carefully, I laid them on a napkin beside my laptop, careful to avoid the device's screen like Chan could see through it. I'd throw them away later.
A sudden knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.
I slowly untangled myself from my blanket and stood, glancing at the laptop screen. Then just as quickly, I walked towards the door and opened it.
Felix grinned, one hand on the top of the doorframe. "So you come here often?"
"This is literally my house."
The blond rolled his eyes playfully. "Are you busy?"
"It is almost midnight on a Saturday," I said.
"That is not an answer," Felix pointed out. I shrugged. "That is still not an answer."
I struggled not to snort. "I thought it was pretty self explanatory."
"I asked a question and you stated a fact."
"At least the fact was true."
"That's just another name for fact!"
I was grinning now, messing with Felix never fails to put me in a better mood. It reminded me of a little over a month ago when Felix picked me up from the soulmate doctors and I convinced him I was getting my mark, back when everything was so simple. Before my life suddenly had a time limit.
I felt the sadness hit me like a truck and I struggled with my grin.
"So are you busy?"
"I already answered that."
"No, you did not!"
"Felix, am I normally busy at midnight on a Saturday?"
"No, but....okay, you could be busy now!"
"Fine. Would you be happy if I said no?"
"Yes!"
"Then yes, I'm busy."
"Now that's just mean."
I smirked as I leaned against the side of the doorframe, sticking my hands into the pockets of my pajama pants. "Name one time I have been mean to you ever," I said.
"I'm going to start making a list, starting with the eggs."
I laughed at his words, reminded again of that night so long ago.
A small laugh drifted to my ears from inside my apartment, the sound extremely familiar to me. I left the computer on. I completely forgot.
"Is Chan here?" Felix said, moving to look past me.
I shook my head, stepping aside to let him in and show him my empty living room. He closed the door behind him before following me to the pseudo-nest I had left on the couch. His eyes caught on the laptop next to the pile of blankets.
"He went live?" Felix said in disbelief. "I can't say I'm surprised, knowing him, but still. On the ride back from the meet he was complaining about how sore his shoulder was."
I snorted. "I can relate, though I think mine is from sleep."
"So you've just been watching him?" Felix looked in my direction and I shrugged with a frown on my lips.
"I can tell he's exhausted," I said. "I'm worried."
"Call him."
I snapped my head at Felix's suggestion. Call him? Call him?! Absolutely not! I might have been able to do that a few days ago, but to be honest now I was scared. Scared to lose my temper, scared to snap at him when really the only thing he did wrong was lie to our group. I can't blame him for falling in love with someone else. It's not like he was with me.
"I can't do that!" I said, shaking my head frantically. "I can't tell him what to do!"
"Like that's stopped you before," Felix teased, poking my shoulder. "Just call him."
"But—"
I didn't even get to finish my protest before Felix was placing an already ringing phone in my hand. I watched Chan's body shift as he looked down through the screen of my laptop, and I shot Felix a glare.
With the live still going, I fully expected Chan to silence the phone in his pocket. Well, maybe not expected but foolishly hoped.
I was wrong.
Chan pulled out his phone and answered it.
"Hello?" His voice rang in both my ear and quietly through my laptop's speakers, and I suddenly felt nervous to speak. My mouth was dry and my throat was starting to itch as I stared at my soulmate on the screen. Why was I feeling like this? All he said was hello!
I took a deep breath. "Hi Chan."
I didn't miss the way his face broke into a grin at my voice, his dimples forming at the edges of his mouth. It wasn't the same look he gave Ivy, but it still managed to make me smile.
"Wonnie, why do you have Felix's phone?"
I shrugged, though I know he couldn't see it. "Felix is a bully."
"You're the one who was mean to me!" Felix protested.
"To be fair, you make it so easy."
Chan's body shook with laughter on the screen, one hand moving to cover his face. I let out a small laugh as I watched him.
"What did I say about taking lessons from Minho?" Chan teased. "He's turning you into his twin."
I made a disgusted noise. "Don't compare me to that freak."
"See? You're even name-calling!" He accused.
"Like that makes a difference."
"Minho calls people names all the time."
"Yeah but he's unoriginal, at least mine have flavor."
Chan laughed again and I felt something bloom in my chest. "So why are you calling?" He asked, a teasing lilt in his voice.
"Oh yeah thanks for reminding me." I looked at Felix, who was waiting for me to speak.
"Go to sleep Chan," I said.
"What?"
"You heard me, you glorified zombie. Go to sleep."
Felix let out a snort and buried his face in one of my pillows.
"I'm live right now, though," Chan argued.
"It's past midnight," I defended. "You just came back from a swim meet."
Chan grinned as he looked down. "It's not even that late."
"Okay grandpa, when you wake up complaining about back pain don't talk to me."
Felix made a choked sound from behind the pillow.
"I am not that old!" Chan exclaimed. "You're only a couple of months younger than me!"
"You keep telling yourself that," I said. "Now, go to sleep."
He dramatically leaned back in his chair, phone pressed to his ear. "I'm not even tired."
What a liar.
"Bang Christopher Chan if you don't go to sleep right now, I'll come over there and make you."
"....I wouldn't mind that."
"That's it. I'm calling your mom."
Chan eyes widened and he looked at the camera. Words rushed out of his mouth, mixed between English and Korean and spoken so fast that I could barely understand what he was saying. Then, he reached forward and the screen went black. He ended the live.
"Okay, I'm off," he said quietly. It was weird now not being able to see him as he spoke.
"Great. Now go to sleep or I'll actually do it."
The sound of sheets rustling filtered through the phone. He must be laying down in his bed now. Chan's voice was filled with exhaustion, he wasn't even attempting to hide it anymore. "I'm going to sleep now."
I sighed. "Goodnight, Chan."
I was moving to end the call when he spoke.
"Love you, Wonnie. Goodnight."
His voice was barely over a whisper, but it was enough to make my entire body freeze. My eyes were wide as I stared blankly at the dark screen in front of me, like maybe he'd show up in the reflection. He....no. He can't. He's just being a best friend, it's not like we haven't said that before.
But the way he said it made my face heat up and my heart break in two.
"I love you too, Channie," I said. "Goodnight."
I hung up the phone.
I didn't even bother to hand Felix his device before my arms wrapped around him, seeking his comfort. I was hurting. My heart was hurting. Chan would only ever say those words in a way I didn't want.
He would only say them as a friend.
Felix stood still for a moment, shocked at my quick change of emotions, but it was only for a second. His arms immediately encircled me, held me together when it felt like I was breaking apart.
When he finally pulled away, he kept his arms on my shoulders. I focused on the blond hair that fell in front of his eyes, not wanting to look at the expression that I knew held sympathy.
"Go put on your shoes," was all he said.
And I listened.
In seconds we were out the door.
We walked silently, Felix gently holding my hand in his and swinging it back and forth between us. I shivered as cold air hit the top of my arms. Dang, I forgot my jacket back in the apartment. My pajamas weren't long sleeved or thick enough to save me from the night breeze. I felt my steps slow, debating whether I should go back or if I was too far away. Felix's pace slowed to match mine and suddenly his jacket was around my shoulders. I nodded gratefully.
Our walk led us to a random bench in the middle of a park, sitting side by side in front of an empty playground set. Felix leaned back on his seat, the bench letting out a small squeak of protest.
"What's going on?"
I could feel his eyes on me. I didn't want to answer, but at this point I was bursting with so many concerns and unwanted thoughts that I needed to tell someone, or I was going to explode. I took a deep sigh as I tucked my knees to my chest.
"I feel like I'm losing it."
"What do you mean?" The blond said.
I took another breath. "I'm losing hi—" I stopped myself. "It. I'm losing it. And I'm trying to hold on for as long as I can but I feel like I'm just grasping at sand, and the harder I try to hold on the harder everything just seems to fall—"
"Hold on hold on, slow down." Felix put a hand on my shoulder. "I don't understand. You seemed fine talking to Chan earlier?"
That's exactly it.
I tucked myself further into Felix's jacket. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know. He doesn't know that every time I see, or talk, or even think about Chan I am reminded of everything I can never have.
"It's....not the same anymore," I finally let out.
"Why?"
I stared at the tennis shoes I had slipped on as we left, the strand of hair in front of my eyes, the gently moving swing on the playground. Anywhere but his eyes. There were no tears, but my voice broke as I spoke.
"Because I lost him," I said. "I lost my soulmate."
Felix's arms immediately circled around me and I leaned into them. He leaned his head on the top of mine. For a few moments we just sat there, distant sounds of the city filtering into the empty park, wind blowing every now and then.
"I wish I knew how to fix this," Felix whispered. "To help you through everything you're going through, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't help you more."
"I know."
I was still holding onto him when the first raindrop fell on my forehead. Felix moved his head so I could look up at the dark sky, lifting his face to look too.
"Looks like a storm is coming," he said. He gently shook me, giving a small smile in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Might want to get you back home before you get sick and we both have to deal with a worried Chan."
I smiled weakly. "Yea, I guess we better."
Felix's eyes filled with a mischievous twinkle as he briefly glanced to his side. "Hold on. Before we go—" He suddenly took off towards the playground and despite my mood I laughed out loud.
I small cough escaped me and I quickly caught them in my hand, dropping them in the grass as Felix climbed to the top of the play set. It was a park, so I don't think anyone would notice. I cleared my throat a few times to soften the pain.
"You don't seem like the appropriate age for that!" I teasingly called, throat slightly burning.
"I don't see a sign!" Felix yelled back, blond hair getting messed up from the wind. "Also, who are to assume my age, random pedestrian woman?"
"You're too tall for a toddler—"
"I drink a lot of milk."
"—But you're way too short to be an adult."
"HEY!"
My laughter joined his as it rang through the open air, the rain still dropping slowly but steadier than before. I put a thumbs up when he arrived at the opening of the slide, to which he gave a loud yell through the night and dove in headfirst.
He barely stopped himself with his hands before he could hit the ground face first. "Smooth!" I announced, and the wind barely picked the sounds of him mocking my words from his lips.
He quickly made his way back over to me, slipping his hand into mine as we turned to walk back. We had barely taken a step when Felix suddenly stopped, tugging my arm backwards and reminding me of my sore shoulder.
"Felix what are you—?"
He stood from where he had been squatting on the ground. To my horror, he held up a pink petal, my pink petal, with a look of triumph of his face.
"Look what I found!" Felix excitedly spoke. "You like these, right? Jisungie mentioned you were pressing some, but that was weeks ago. They are really pretty...."
"They are," I said.
He turned the petal around in his fingers a few times before walking closer to me. He grinned. "Hold still."
It took everything in my power to not flinch, to grab the petal and rip it to shreds before throwing it on the ground. I didn't want it near me.
But Felix didn't know. Felix was innocent.
So I held everything in as he gently placed the very thing that was killing me behind my ear, his smile reaching his eyes at the action.
"Pretty!" He simply said. "It's like it was meant for you!"
No, don't say that....
I focused on the freckles on his cheeks, like scattered drops of rain that never wanted to leave, and hoped with every part of my being that the rain falling now would wash away the petal, tear it to pieces so I wouldn't have to. My ear burned where it touched my skin. Get rid of it, wash it away, I want it gone.
"Let's go home." Felix took my hand and we began to walk.
The whole way back to my apartment Felix talked, jumping from one topic to another and then another. I don't really know what he said, or what I said in response. I just answered, and he seemed to accept my answers. I had no clue what words were coming out of my mouth. I couldn't hear them.
As we walked down the street that I knew if I took a right it would lead to the tall grey apartment my friends and soulmate lived in.
As we walked past the 24 hour convenience store with its flickering green light and plastic chairs.
And as I waved goodbye to Felix with a smile I knew was fake, closing the door as he left and sitting on the ground with my back against it.
My mind was stuck on loss and the petal behind my ear.
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
Hope y'all liked this chapter! Sorry it took a bit long, I had some courses and stuff I needed to get through but it's here now.
Tada!
*The first and last time Chan underestimated Haewon's threats was in high school. It ended up with Chan opening his door the next day to Haewon standing beside his angry mom, who had taken a red-eye flight as soon as Haewon told her Chan wouldn't go to sleep. After an 'undisclosed' amount of time suffering through a lecture from his mom, his dad on FaceTime, his grandparents, his sister (who joined the FaceTime just to make fun of him), and Haewon, Chan never made that mistake again*
Don't forget to like/comment if you liked this chapter!